So, I mentioned in my last post that Saturday was my daughters big birthday party. There were so many people coming to my house for the party, that I was stressing hard to get everything taken care of, everything perfectly clean, etc.
Friday, I had told my daughter to get her room cleaned. She's five, so I can't expect perfection, but I wanted her to get most of it done. As any typical kid would do, she tried to make excuses, "hungry, thirsty, tired, have to go pee, etc". Then she came out and said that she wasn't feeling well, and wanted to lay down. This was the last straw for me. I broke, and was so damn ****** off that she refused to clean her room. I went in there, and anything that wasn't put away, I was taking away. I put it all in a box, and was taking it to the garage. This doll house that she loves, and payed for with her own money, fell out of the box. I picked it up, and tossed it into the garage, but it hit the floor and shattered. My daughter was crushed, and ran back to her room crying her eyes out.
Saturday, she seemed okay during her party, but later in the evening, began complaining of stomach pains. About five minutes later, she started vomiting, and crying in pain. Since she's had so many surgeries on her stomach, this is very dangerous for her. We rushed her to the ER, and found out that the wrap that was done on her stomach has ruptured, and part of her stomach is sitting in her chest. Also, that her intestines have been pulled up above the kidneys, and in turn, trapping massive amounts of air in her abdomen, which the doctor described the pain as being so much worse than "labor and childbirth" pains.
I feel so horrible. I can't believe I did this to her. She's going through more than I will ever be able to comprehend, and yet, I punish her for it. She worked so hard for that doll house, and then I go break it. What kind of mother does that to their kids??
So, as it stands right now, both my girls are needing serious medical treatment. Both at the same time, both in different states. My husband has to continue working to keep an income coming in and to keep our insurance current, and on top of this, I still have my son to take care of. I need to be in ten different places at once, and am struggling to find a way to make it work. I feel numb. I don't feel pain, anger, happiness, sadness...nothing. Just purely numb. If walking away right now was an option, I don't think I'd ever look back. Sigh.
NVD, I am so sorry. You were stressed about the party and your temper was short. You had no idea that she was having a medical problem. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I have lost my temper when I was stressed. Many of us do it. That doll house can be replaced. You need to focus on what you need to do without guilt now, okay. Many of us probably would have done the same thing when we are stressed and lose our temper. Do you have any family to help you?
Thanks for the response. While I know that many people have probably had the same reaction towards their kids at some point, It just doesn't seem to make it acceptable or any better. I am the adult. I am the parent. I need to be able to control those out of control emotions at all times, when it comes to my kids. I know the doll house can be replaced, but how do I make up for the trauma that I've put my daughter through, in that one fit of rage and anger? The next few months are going to be so hard on her...and right now, I'm not feeling capable of walking through it with her. What if she doesn't pull through? God, I just want her to live a normal, happy life. And then on the other hand, my two year old, and her weird condition. How do I be there for both, when both need care-NOW? I feel like I'm fighting a battle that is so much bigger than myself, and feel like I'm stuck somewhere between here and hell. Add on all the other crap that I've been trying to work through, and it just leads to more and more trouble. The stress rises, the anxiety rises, the un-ability to cope and function in a logical way rises. And then what happens? The need for a release, the uncontrollable cutting or pain causing actions. And then that only leads to new frustrations. I hate it. I hate the fact that by the time I realize what I'm doing, it's too late. The action has already been done. I don't think I'm even "connected" to my body when it happens. And then afterwards, I get ****** off at myself, for losing control, and getting to that point. I feel embarassed, and ashamed by what I do, and so I isolate myself, and I know isolation can only make it worse. But it's a release. It's a very short release, but sometimes just enough to take on another hour, or another day. But the emotional pain always comes back. So, then the frustration gets even higher than what it was to begin with, because not only is the emotional pain high, but now there is the physical pain as well. It's a vicious cycle that I've been struggling with, and I fear what the next few months are going to bring. I just don't know anymore.
I am the adult. I am the parent. I need to be able to control those out of control emotions
at all times,
when it comes to my kids. how do I make up for the trauma that I've put my daughter through, in that one fit of rage and anger?
NVD, good luck because if you can manage to never lose your temper with your children you are someone who doesn't exist in real life. Talk about setting a goal that is impossible to reach FOR ANYONE let alone someone who is going through the stressors that you are going through. Children are not made of glass. Sure, we had tough childhoods but no one intervened with us. We are trying and we are communicating with our children. This is what makes it better if we apoligize and we talk about it. If anyone can get through life without any struggle or bad times this is impossible. People are constantly telling me how well behaved my children are. My children are very happy and always having a good time at school and playing with kids in our neighborhood. Do you want to know how many times I have lost my temper with them? I just lost my temper yesterday and I made both of them cry. So we talked about it and I apoligized. They are not damaged for life at all.
Why wouldn't your daughter pull through her surgery? Are your children going to be in the hospital at the same time? Is there anyway that they can go to the same hospital?
NVD, can you work on releasing this emotional pain?
Yes, I understand that sometimes sh-t happens, and anyone--going through good times or bad loses their tempers at times. I understand that. And I would be lying if I said that I've never lost my temper, or if I never will again. BUT, I feel that as an adult, we need to be able to recognize when we are about to blow our tops, and redirect the emotions, before becoming physically distructive, especially when it comes to our children. Throwing things and destroying things--especially things that do not belong to us, is not controling it, nor do I think it's acceptable. I lost control on Friday...more than I ever have when it comes to my kids...and that is embarassing. And even more embarassing because it was over something that was out of her control. I acted like a child out there throwing a fit, because her room wasn't clean, and I thought she was making excuses. Ya know what I mean? I don't expect my kids to never see my emotions, but when aimed at them specifically, I hope to be a better example than I was on Friday.
As far as my daughters surgery, this surgery is very, very risky and dangerous. We have tried to avoid this surgery for so long now, but unfortunately, we have no choice now. An esophageal bypass is now going to be done--which the survival rate drops signifacantly. During this procedure, the esophagus is removed, and replaced with part of the colon. This procedure is usually only done on esophageal cancer patients, and the average survival rate after surgery is five months. I know that these stats are based on elderly people suffering from cancer, and I believe that if anyone can survive it, it will be my daughter, but that doesn't make facing the reality that she now has to have this horrible surgery any easier. It doesn't make sending her into it any less stressful. And it makes the anger towards the surgeon who screwed up in the first place higher and higher on the scale. Had he had not screwed up, she'd be perfectly fine. As far as having them both in the same hospital...we live in Nevada. My two year old's doctor is at Oakland Childrens Hospital in California, and my five year old's doctor is at Primary Childrens Hospital in Salt Lake City, UT. We live in such a medically inadequate community, so any medical situations that arise, are usually taken care of out of town. Our only saving grace is that our two year old has been healthy up until a month ago, and Thank God, our nine month old is perfectly healthy.
As for working on releasing the emotional stress and pain...this is what I try and accomplish by coming here, and to therapy. But with the stress that we are going through right now, along with the normal depression/PTSD/Anxiety, my mind and my train of thoughts are going in every way--ways that I've never gone or experienced before. I've reached this all time low, a low that I've never expected to reach, and while I know that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, it seems and feels so non-existant, and so, so far out of my reach. My kids and my husband are the only things that I am holding on to right now; and nothing else in the world matters to me right now, other than getting my girls the care that they need. So, in turn, working and fighting so hard to get a knowlegable and capable medical team together, anything that is going on with me, gets pushed back inside. Then the late night hours come again, and the emotions that were pushed back inside during the day hours, come back up, and overwelm every nerve ending in my body. This obviously results in the insomnia, the insomnia plays a factor in the unability to cope, and the cycle just continues. Today, I've just felt numb. No happiness, no sadness, anger, or pain. Just numb. Just existing. I wonder how tomorrow will be.
Thanks again Sannah, I appreciate your reponses. I appreciate the way you make me take another look at the situation at hand, and re-evaluate what I'm feeling based on the situation. Hope you're having a good night, take care.
Dearest NVD, I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. Yes, you just need to focus on what needs to be done and please come here often to vent and express yourself. I hear what you are saying about your outbursts. What I am saying is that yes, we can strive to be perfect and this is a good goal but when we slip up and we can't get there one day we must not be too hard on ourselves because we are trying. We can just say I am sorry and I'll keep trying. I never expect myself to be perfect even though I try. Please lighten up on yourself, okay? If we were all perfect we would be boring robots. We are human!
Yes, your daughter is young and healthy and she is not weak from cancer. Please tell us when she will have the surgery. You can only do the best that you can with everything. Please expect frustrations and difficult times with trying to get all of your children's medical needs met. I used to be a respiratory therapist in intensive care units. Sometimes chaos would occur because there were many sick people or the power went out or we were short staffed due to a snow storm, etc. We all just pulled together, did the top priorty stuff and rode the chaos and never expected anything to be perfect and orderly. You can survive all of this if you adjust your expectations, do the priority stuff, communicate and remember what is important (being there for each other when you can).
NVD, I am really getting attached to you and I wish I could be there in person to lend you a hand, and offer a shoulder to cry on. I can do the best I can here though if you want. Take care....
I agree with you that we can't beat ourselves up too much. It's already been done, there is nothing we can do, other than appologize and admit that we were wrong, and hopefully turn it into a learning oppertunity. It's easier said now, then when in the position, but it's something that I need to definitely work on, because the guilt tends to ride me horribly when I do mess up.
We are assuming that my daughter will probably have her surgery within the next week or so. The surgeon in UT is waiting for all the films and test results that have been done at the hospitals here, and then we will go from there.
I'm usually not one to just lay my emotions out open on the table, and even less so on the internet. But you have made it very comfortable for me to do so, and in turn, has been what has helped me work through the emotions. I too, feel a coonnection with you--Like a good friend I've never met in person. You have become a source of comfort for me these last few weeks...and I am truly greatful!
Thanks again, hope you have a good day.
Okay, so we just got the call that we need to be in Salt Lake City, UT by tomorrow at 3:00 pm, to begin some extensive testing, and then a decision on how urgent surgery is will be made. Please, please say a prayer for my daughter...and for the rest of my family. It's gonna be a long, long week.
Thanks. We are here in Utah, and have gone through the first set of tests. Great news! As it stands right now, the wrap isn't in as bad of shape as the doctors in my hometown originally thought. It is going through some issues, and eventually will need to be repaired, but right now, it looks like we may be able to hold off on surgery-for a little while longer. WooHoo--Finally a positive to look forward to-hopefully.
NVD I'm so glad they're able to hold off surgery. I really feel for you going through this stuff with your kids. It's so hard when they're sick, and so very stressful for you, trying to put a brave face on all the time. Don't beat yourself up about losing your temper - as parents we all do it!!!!! I have lots of moments that, when I look back, cause me guilt and shame and I wish I could erase them - but we're only human and kids know that. They need to realise that we're not perfect, it reassures them that they don't have to be perfect either. As long as they realise that your temper is not directed at THEM because they're bad - that it's a result of stress you're feeling. When i lose it with my kids I always go back afterwards and apologise and say, 'sorry I was bad tempered, I was worried about... or ...' so they don't think it's their fault.
I hope things go well for you from now on. Good luck with everything.
Yes, Trixi is right! An apology works wonders and children are so much more forgiving than adults usually are. When parents apologize to their children, it teaches them humility, self-respect, respect for others, communication, and love. They'll learn that it's okay to make mistakes, that they shouldn't feel inadequate just because they aren't perfect, that not everything bad in their lives is their fault, and that being right or winning an argument is insignificant when another person's feelings are hurt. Maybe when she gets better, the two of you can make a dollhouse together. She will treasure the time you two spend together more than the toy itself.
I'm sorry your family is having health issues. Health problems are the hardest to deal with, but you're doing a great job! Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. Trust me, I know; I've posted many vents here about losing it with my kids, lol.
When parents apologize to their children, it teaches them humility, self-respect, respect for others, communication, and love. They'll learn that it's okay to make mistakes, that they shouldn't feel inadequate just because they aren't perfect, that not everything bad in their lives is their fault, and that being right or winning an argument is insignificant when another person's feelings are hurt.
Wow, I never thought about all of this! We are teaching our children quite a bit when we make mistakes! Excellent explanation Lilme!
Hi ladies, thank you for all the awesome input. This whole parenting thing is a non-stop learning process, isn't it? And I guess to learn, there must be mistakes along the way. While it feels so crappy when a mistake like this is made, I guess it's what we bring out of it that makes the end result better or worse.
Thanks for the well wishes with my daughter. It's been a complete roller coaster ride. The radiologist who did her tests said that the wrap was looking okay, and probably wouldn't need surgery right away, but the surgeon wasn't as satisfied with the wrap. Allthough, he did agree that surgery wouldn't be done right at this moment. So, we were sent home, and told to return on Wednesday of this coming week.
Yesterday, we were on our way home, and the transmission went out in our van...so now, we are stuck in some little town we've never been in, and since it's a three day weekend, none of the mechanics are open till Tuesday. Tuesday, we have to head back to UT, and my husband has to head back to our home town, so he can take my other daughter for her testing on the same day!!! Life is just a crazy, never ending roller-coaster ride, and I'm so afraid to see what's around the next turn!!!!!!