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Old 05-25-2007, 02:04 PM   #1
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Mark Antony HB User
Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

I hate moaning and groaning but here is my story.

I am 23, male.

I moved out from home when I was 18 and lived on my own in the big city. I rented an apartment because I didn't have the money to buy my own.

I went to university and got good grades without much problems, I am not saying it was easy but I had time for fun.

I was 19 then, good-looking, had plenty of sex...but...with other GUYs kuz I am gay.

I feel perfectly fine with that, even told my sister, my father and mother...

I WAS 19 for God's sake!

They threatened to kill my - both mom and dad said they'll kill me, dad even mentioned stabbing me with a knife!

Jesus,that's cruel.

I didn't care kuz I lived on my own and didn't get the chance to see my family so often.

I have asthma and pollen allergy...but love to be outdoors and used to workout every day.

I managed to find a good job, good salary, nice colleagues...even had a boyfriend!

That was in December 2006. And thats when things started going downhill for me.

My father came to see me and told me I wasn't earning enough and I was nothing, I could NEVER possibly buy my own apartment and stuff like that...he said "There are plenty of hot chicks in the world, why don't you find someone rich? Marry her, and you'll be alright"

I felt awful bad. I cried a bit even. I had struggled so much to achieve all this? am I really nothing?

Next day I felt terribly angry and helpless and possibly depressed. I left my job the same day, I packed my luggage and moved to my family's home in a terribly small, rural town. Its full of jypsies and unemployment is so high people turn to rubbish for food.

They were shocked at my decision but I told them I couldn't live like that anymore - I hated the way they treated me. I broke down and cried.

We started having rows every night. One day it was too much and I beat my father up in front of my mother.

I felt great! I left him a big scar on the face

I said I'll kill him if he continued to treat me like s hit.

I ruined my life, I just couldn't take it anymore. Now I live with my parents. I am unemployed and I was unable to graduate because I have only ONE FINAL exam to take but I can't...

I've gained 30 kilos in three months! I don't work out anymore, I've switched off my mobile and I RARELY GO OUT.

I eat lots of sweets and lots of chocolate - the only thing that somwhat alleviated my pain.

I've even searched for recepies and make my own cakes.

I feel terrible. I have thoughts about suicide. I can't sleep. I overeat. I've gained weight. I don't have any friends left, I don't have sex. I jerk off the porn on the Internet but its no good.

I packed up and left again trying to rebuild me life. I cried on the train. I rarely cry but my tears just kept pouring from my eyes...I couldn't stop crying. There were people all around me but I was overwhelmed with emotion.

I arrived back in the city. I got off the train and went to the bus stop when a terrible hailstorm started and nearly broke my umbrella. Hail beat on my body with tremendous force and I carried a large suitcase and a racksack.

I was drenched. I was cold. I was lonely. I felt so ****ing sad. I tried for a few days but I got even more depressed and just couldn't handle my life anymore. I took the train back.

And here I am. terribly confused, terribly fat.

If someone can please tell me what to do. DO I need a counsellor. Can psychiatrists give me money or buy me an apartment? Can someone grant me a visa so that I could leave for the US away from my terrible familyCan someone give me my life back?

Last edited by Mark Antony; 05-25-2007 at 02:11 PM.

 
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Old 05-25-2007, 02:38 PM   #2
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

Sounds like you were content with your life as you were living it after you moved out of the home. Why did you go back to living with your parents if you knew they didn't approve of your lifestyle? Everyone has a right to live as they please even though others may not approve. You had a job, a friend, co-workers, good salary; you were taking care of you. Why leave all of that to be where you are now?
On one hand yes, a counselor would be a wonderful idea. But it sounds like the problem is in the home. Can you leave again and start over? I think something is being left out here.....

 
Old 05-25-2007, 02:54 PM   #3
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

Dear CaringMom,

Thanks for your reply. I just collapsed emotionally after they talked to me like that. Something snapped in me. Its hard to explain. Everything just lost meaning.

Perhaps what I didn't tell you was that subconscioysly I missed my family terribly
living alone is no good so thats why it hurt me when they treated me like that.

I managed to find work here but as a waiter - $150 a month. My mom wouldn't let me though, she said I've studied so hard and didn't deserve to be a waiter...currently I am preparing for my final exam but my motivation is very , very low I admit....Jesus, what a mess!

I even went to an interview and I was 'approved' for the job but my mom said I should move out again, take my degree and move on.

I can't. I feel its pointless - I wont be able to buy a home a single room costing 30,000 euros and average monthly salary of 200 euro!

I don't have a health insurance to boot. I am also tired of living in someone elses home, I want a place of my own.

Did you know that it costs 200 euros to rent an apartment here (kitchen+small bedroom) and my salary as an editor in chief of a popular news website was 250 euros! I even had e report published on the BBC news website..but nobody seems to care.

Do you know that my granny's pension is 50 euros a month? Just an example of the sheer misery thats overwhelming and its hard for you guys to comprehend perhaps but this is life here in the EU.

I want my life back. I want to lose weight..truth is I just finished a large cake and its 15 past midnight.

Last edited by Mark Antony; 05-25-2007 at 03:17 PM.

 
Old 05-25-2007, 03:47 PM   #4
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

I can understand how you feel. I would be crushed to have my family talk to me like that. I would hope they would be understanding of my choices, if that were the case for me.
Is there a way for you to stay at home, finish school, find a job and save up to be able to move out again? I can't believe your mother would tell you not to take a job because you deserve better. Yes, you probably do, but even in the US right now, any job is better than no job.
You need to believe that you are a good person who wants to succeed and be self sufficient and who will!!! Many go through this every day. You do sound depressed and counseling would be beneficial to you. Do you have any type of free clinics there?
For starters though, I'd find any job; you'd meet others and can be social and who knows, something wonderful could come of it!!
You need to take control again. It's your life and your choices.
Keep coming here. There are so many wonderful people with terrific advice who are very supportive!!
Thinking of you. Keep in touch here.

 
Old 05-26-2007, 07:04 AM   #5
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

hey mark,

welcome to the boards!! your story really got to me, not only because of its pain and its similarity to someone whom i personally know who lives in eastern europe, but also because you're from "my side of the woods." i'm originally from romania, but came here with my family (mom, dad, and sister) when i turned 12. we left my maternal grandparents behind (they lived in a little town not far from the serbian border in southwest romania), and i was very upset because i loved them very much, since they helped raise me...you know how it is back there...grandparents help out....anyway...that's not the point.

the point is that i'm so, so, so sorry for how events have turned out for you. i'm sure you know you're not the only one, though. i personally know of a guy from my grandparents' town, who went to univ. in romania, became a doctor, a general practitioner, and then went back to his hometown, a small, little place in the rural area.... well, you know how that is. he was unemployed for a long, long, time. he helped out with household chores and stuff, and kept telling my sister (whom he's gotten to know through our visits there) via email or regular letters, how miserable he was, how he studied for so long, and nothing came out of it. well, my sister (although she had a boyfriend by then) decided it would be nice if he got to see the u.s., and maybe even stay, if he so decided....so he came over here for a period of about one month or so. well, he saw things, my sister took him places, showed him all the tourist attractions, etc...well, apparently this didn't impress him much at all, since when it came time for him to leave, he said he would not be able to stay here, and go through studying and passing his exams once again--you know there's an equivalent test you must take to be a dr. here--it would just be too much for him to handle... so, he left. he left to live with his parents, who were a bit better off, you know, since his dad was/is a veterinarian, and his mom is a professor. now, i thought that was the stupidest thing this man could've done for himself....but that's his story.

point is, i hear you and i think i know very well the circumstances surrounding your story. but let me tell you something, mark, if you don't get out of that environment--doesn't matter that your parents have money, or that you're afraid you won't be able to get some of their money if you leave, because they won't recognize you as family, or that you can't afford to BUY an apt. now--forget all that now. you need to get out of there! and quick. you DON"T WANT to ruin your life anymore than you've already done... and you don't want to regret not doing something you wanted to do, later on. you're not being true to yourself, mark. the parents don't understand, and they probably won't, even if you explained your heart out!! ok? i know the money is little, but who cares if you still rent a little room for yourself, as long as you have some peace of mind?? we're talking about your long-term mental health here, not some immediate satisfaction. you must see that you will not get that where you are right now, am i rigth?

you want a partner, you want a career, you want a life, you want to be happy!!!!! even here, people leave their parents' house and go out to the city or wherever, in search of a better life, a better job, etc...and they struggle, boy do they struggle...life isn't easy, you know that--wherever you go, you gotta fight the fight and struggle, but you will do it with much more power and inner strength, and conviction if you know there's ultimately a "good" that will come out of it at the end of it all. you know what i mean? i mean, in the city, there will be a chance that you will get some of the things that you want in life, mark, but not where you are right now. and, like i said before, you DON'T have to rely on your parents. forget about it. you MUST take that exam. and don't listen to your mom. if there is a job that you can get and it pays some money, then get it. so what if it's a waiter???? there are so many people here who are waiters!!!! i know the mentality there, but you can say you don't give a damn about that right now, because to live is better than to falter and to lie around all day doing nothing... you must stand up again, and do it for yourself, not for your parents. but, i must say one thing.... if you ever feel like you want to get into fights with your dad again...please don't!!!! don't do it. it's only make matters worse, you know that.

and please come here to talk more, if and whenever you want. i must go to work now (yes, i work on sat.), but i'll check in on you later.

take care of yourself!!!
dakota
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Old 05-26-2007, 07:05 AM   #6
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

Hey Mark, your situation is a prime example of how our minds direct our lives. You were doing well before. Of course, like everyone, you wanted the acceptance and love of your parents and when your dad did that you crumbled and so did your life. You can get back on the top again if you can get control over your mind again. A few words from your dad sent you down. You gave him immense power over your mind. You can take back that power.

 
Old 05-26-2007, 07:11 AM   #7
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

oh, i just thought about you buying an apt. what are you even talking about?? i mean people here DON'T buy apts. or houses at 23 years of age!!!! you must be kidding!!! i don't mean to make light of what you're saying, i'm just trying to tell you that even here people consider it a big deal when they purchase their first apt. or house...and it's usually NOT in their early 20's!!! so, please think about that.!!!!!

you're just starting out in life, mark!! you're waaaaayy hard on yourself, man!!!

ok, don't worry too much, ok??

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Old 05-26-2007, 07:49 AM   #8
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

I read all this and what Maria said makes so much sense. You're SO young... Wow. People just don't really buy houses at that age.

We're all hard on ourselves, aren't we? I mean, I think that's why we struggle. If I wasn't so hard on myself, I'm sure I'd feel better more often.

Also, it's amazing how much our parents influence us... I mean, I'm still struggling with "mom issues." Things she sad/did that have just had an effect on me all these years. I'm working on "un-learning" what I've been taught, because I'm an adult and I don't agree with her. That's all.

Just cut yourself some slack, I think? Hard to do that, I know.

Keep us updated on how you're doing, k? Hugs ~ Sly
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Old 05-26-2007, 02:18 PM   #9
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Mark Antony HB User
Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

Hey guys,

Thanks for your kind responses, it feels good knowing there is someone you can tell how you really feel without being afraid that they will insult you or call you a loser afterwards.

Its my birthday today, I was born on May 27 1983!

My eyes are full of tears as I write because I had a terrible row with my mother and father a just short while ago.

They screamed at me and I just left the room. My father wanted to hit me with a bottle but I fought him back and pushed him up against the wall. I wanted to smash his teeth in but my sis started crying and I just let him go.

My sister is studying law. She also moved house at the age of 19 but came back home beacuse of lack of money!

I guess it runs in the family.

She is 21 now, she is beautiful and was very positive. Until recently that is. She has become depressed and refuses to eat last couple of months. She is wearing thin and is skin and bone. My mom is worried sick about her.

I cried for her so hard I was tearing myself apart. I told her she should eat but she just gets thinner and thinner.

She had a boyfriend who is so poor that we cosider outselves rich compared with him! He's also left his home for the big city but lives in a boarding house.

Imagine that!

Its easy for you to say "a few words from your father shouldn't get you down"

Truth is he's been doing that all the time and even more so since I got back home.

"You've gained weight." "I'll buy you a plastic doll for your birthday so that you can f*** her"

"You'll end up on the street checking the dusbins for food"

I hear that every ****ing day and it gets on my nerves.

Also, my father insluts my grandmother (my mom's mother) She is 60. She is a good woman and I love her but my father insults her all the time.

I don't understand that. I told him to stop. I don't know whats causing his resentment against my grandma...I guess things are more complicated there as I was a little kid when the whole thing started.

I'll stay locked in my room all day.

I have no friends here. We had great time toegether and I think about them every day and miss them terribly.

I told them I'll be back but truth is I don't know whether I'll ever see them again.

I will try to study for my exam but it hurts me people. It hurts.

I was repsected by my teachers in university.

We had a visiting professor from California Technical University. His name is John McKinstry.

I was one of the few people who got excellent marks by the end of his course.

It felt good. I love study!

Corruption is widespread here. The chief of the central heating company has ordered his employees to steal from customers, making our bills higher and higher every month.

Minister and government officials are also stealing money using varous fradulent schemes.

Mafia bosses kill each other every day, durg abuse is widespread.

I don't abuse drugs, I drink ocassionaly and I don't smoke. I am graduading, I lived on my own (until March 2007)...what more do they want?

My father told me I should earn more, find another job etc etc...I thought I was a total failure at that time.

Now, I realize I should have never come back but its too late.

I have friends in Chicago, New York, LA...

They moved years ago, when they were very young. I stayed here and I'll face ruin now.

I got to go sorry guys!

The drama continues, please write back, I need you.

Last edited by Mark Antony; 05-26-2007 at 02:20 PM.

 
Old 05-27-2007, 06:24 AM   #10
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

Mark, your father sounds like a miserable bully who I wouldn't let have any control over my thoughts or person. You are correct, this is difficult, he is your father, but what are your other choices? You need an exit plan. I don't see any other choice. You made it out once and you can make it out again.

 
Old 05-27-2007, 07:09 AM   #11
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

hey mark my names rega i live in in australia. i am suffering from post natal depression and i feel like **** all the time. but the one thing that i know is that my life is ok and i still feel like ****. you sound like you know whats goin on in your life. look if your family doesnt like you being gay **** them off. its their problem not yours. and why the hell did you move back there???? its your life mate and if your happy thats all that matters. **** you need to get out and wake up . you need to sow your own seeds on today because places and futures have a way of falling down around you. good luck mate i hope you can see the way out soon. you shouldnt let anyone hold you back. go out and go for a run then go to a club meet some new people and get laid enjoy yourself you only get one chance at life mate leave behind the people that hold you up. take care and enjoy

 
Old 05-27-2007, 08:22 AM   #12
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

Wow Rega, thanks for that! I wish it was that easy to 'get out'. Whats a post natal depression?

 
Old 05-27-2007, 08:26 AM   #13
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Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark Antony View Post
I even went to an interview and I was 'approved' for the job but my mom said I should move out again, take my degree and move on.

I can't. I feel its pointless -
hi again,

why didn't you go for that job, mark? was it in your area of expertise? if it was, why do you think it was pointless? i think it may have been your way out of there.... and if you couldn't live on your own where the job was, what about commuting to work? was it too far from the town your parents live in?
just curious...
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Old 05-27-2007, 02:01 PM   #14
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Mark Antony HB User
Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

My mom wouldn't let me, she said I deserve better and should go back and start over.

I tried but couldn't handle it, got terribly depressed and came back home.

I am planning to move out again, this time it will be for good but I need more time.

Thanks for your support guys, you've been really great!

Last edited by Mark Antony; 05-27-2007 at 02:02 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2007, 01:21 AM   #15
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Mark Antony HB User
Re: Badly Messed Up Life - Don't know what to do,need advice

I was invited to a job interview yesterday. Today is Saturday and my interview is on Monday.

Problem is I don't feel anything at all - I just don't care Whats wrong with me?

I worked and hopefully work agains as an editor in a news agency. I was the ececutive editor in my previous job, had a lot of responsibilites - mainly responsible for the content and quality of the articles, I wrote articles myself...making sure that other people didn't make any mistakes...it was just too much!

A woman called me. I was OK on the phone, tried to sound enthusiastic about it but deep down I don't feel anything.

I have no ambitions, no dreams aoubt the future - just emptiness. and I am only 24 years-old.

I love the mountains and nature in general. I hate the crazy world we live in today. Being a news writer can be very stressful.

We were dealing with car accidents, murder, violence every day and it somehow becomes entrenched in your mind and you see how bad people really are and start getting depressed.

Nature is beautiful though and its peaceful. I love our Sun - a little white dwarf but still good.

It gives me the warmth and peace no one else can. I hope this doesnt sound crazy but I love sitting in the Sun doing nothing. I am not lazy I think, just sick of our stressful lives.

Even as a kid I used to spend hours just sitting on the balcony sunbathing

I am 100% sure I will fail again. Not at the interview but I will fall apart emotinally and will not be able to cope with the stress of having to work, study, having to cook for myself, wash the dishes, do the laundry 9no washing machine), be nice to the neighbours, pay your rent regularly, go out with friends, have regular sex, try to stay healthy, work out in the gym,even sometimes post in internet forums..heheh

There is just so much to do and I no time for the things I love to do.

I find that pretty depressing.

I've been like that for years and I can't take it anymore. Too stressful and meaningless. When I was younger I didn't care but now I don't wnt this life anymore.

Last edited by Mark Antony; 06-02-2007 at 01:28 AM.

 
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