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Old 05-27-2007, 01:35 PM   #1
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Trish17 HB User
Question Persuade daughter to seek help?

My 25 year old daughter is dealing with issues from years ago. She says she's ok and doesn't need help, but I can see in her eyes, her lifestyle and mood swings that she does. She isn't bi-polar, but the depression comes and goes. It's hard to watch her deal with her 2 year old daughter.

How can I convince her to seek counseling without insulting her? I want her to know I'm here to help and support, and not be the enemy. She's very insecure, and a counselor and support group would be great for her. She doesn't want to be like me, but unfortunately the problems rubbed off. Different issues, but same reactions.

Can someone tell me how to persuade her into seeking help? Should I just be quiet and pray?

 
Old 05-27-2007, 08:37 PM   #2
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Hi Trish,
Offering support to your daughter is not insulting her. If you have a close enough relationship she will see that you are concerned for her. Maybe approach it as if she ever feels overwhelmed she can come to you for help. And that you understand having a two year old can be very exhausting for anyone so if she needs some emotional and physical support, you'd be happy to help. I guess just look for the right opportunity to speak with her, but try to convince her, it will do all of you some good for her to get some help. She's probably trying to get through it on her own, and she doesnt need to. You're a wonderful mom for caring. I wish you much luck....and hope some more of the other posters on her who suffer from depression can give you some maybe better advice on what exactly to say to her or what "not" to say to her.....

Best wishes Trish,
Carsam

 
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Old 05-27-2007, 11:38 PM   #3
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msbibe HB User
Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

It's SO hard to watch our own children suffer, especially when we have too. And trying to get them to get help, a very sticky situation many times.

Maybe approaching it with the pp's suggestion and maybe tie in her own daughter's need for a happier mom? The mother-daughter thing is hard enough as it is, isn't it? I hope you are able to find a way to her soon. She's fortunate to have you.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 03:32 AM   #4
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ExTra111 HB User
Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Hi there, I dunno if I can give you any advice, but I am speaking as a daughter who is not getting much support form my mum.

My mum and I live miles away from each other, so this is probably make the case even worse, coz we hardly ever see each other.

I told my mum I have depression when she last visited me, which was when I first found out I have thsi condition. She kind of believed it for a while, but then she never ever ask me how am I getting on, if I am seeing any doc or anyone etc. I know she cares about me, but she never asks. And coz I get really tired very easily, so she got really really angry at me once, and was yelling at me saying how stupid, lazy and useless I am etc. and it actually lead to a commit suicide attempt I had. She is still totally avoiding the issuse everytime we talk over the phone, and she always end up talking about sth else that she thinks I want to hear.

So I guess the best way to offer support to your dearest and nearest is to be totally open about it, talk to her about the option of counselling or any other available treatments. I think the only thing you might have to be a bit careful is that depressed people can be quite sensitive (I am anyway). Or as simple as a warm hug would be very supportive.

Right I will shut up now, coz I dun think I am actually giving any advice here, but best of luck.

ExTra

 
Old 05-28-2007, 05:24 AM   #5
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Extra....your advice is VERY valuable. Advising someone on what to do is helpful, and also advising someone on what "NOT" to do is just as helpful. You've given Trish insight as to how you feel when your mom doesnt ask how you are...and how in turn you respond to that. This is exactly what she needs to hear!!!
You're a great support on here, dont ever "shut up"!!!!!!

Best wishes,
Carsam

 
Old 05-28-2007, 10:15 AM   #6
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Thank you all for advice and words. I appreciate speaking from experience. (I can't remember your name, but you're the one from London.) I spoke to her once about seeming depressed, but she told me I was too nosy. I went shopping with her today, and I was actually embarrassed to walk with her and my granddaughter. She looks so sloppy and unkept, and so did the little one. She has gone from job to job in the past year, and she never smiles anymore. (unless we are around other people?!)

I'm trying to rehearse what to say. She's so pretty, and I hate to see her fall so low. She takes a lot of her frustration out on her daughter verbally, which triggers bad behavior in her. The bad behavior then triggers anger in my daughter. All the things going wrong are going to come out as insults when I say them. Can you tell me, or suggest how to present these things as signs of depression? How would you want to hear your mother say them? I guess, like you said, just tell her I'm saying these things because I care? Should I bring up all of these problems, or just a few? I wish I could give you a hug, too.

Thanks,
Trish

 
Old 05-28-2007, 11:06 AM   #7
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Trish my 21 yr old suffers form depression.. did you ever? because maybe you can tell her you know how it feels? i agree that you need to find someway to help her..lots of anti-depressants out there that will help her ..she needs to talk to her reg.doc. its a place to start. when i had my daughter 18 yrs ago i suffered postpartum depression and didnt know what the heck hit me..my mom did tho. she actually called a doc for me watched the kids and i went. i was 25 then. i satrted an anti-depressant and felt better after a few weeks..the point is that i didnt even know what i was feeling was depression.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 11:44 AM   #8
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Hey Trish,
I wanted to write u real quick and let u know that i will write more later. I just want to let u know that i would be happy to share my advice w/you since i am now 31yrs. old and have struggled w/depression since 16 - and I also have a Mother who spent many, many years being worried and concerned about me to the point where her whole life revolved around "making me feel better". But, in the end, it was i that had to be ready to get help. All of the times she would beg me to go see a therapist, or a dr. to see what they could do, i didn't want to hear and i would get angry at her. She was just trying to help bcuz as she's told me many times "A Mother never stops worrying about her children, and she would do anything to help me". She may not have been able to tell me what to do (bcuz i was so stubborn), but today i can look back and thank God that she was so supportive and loving during those times, bcuz i don't know if i'd be alive today if not for her constant unconditional love.
It is important for someone who is going thru depression to have someone they can tell ANYTHING to and know that they won't be judged. She was the only one who consistently listenend and never gave up.
I will write more later. I hope this little bit helps and i'd be willing to share more another time if your interested.

 
Old 05-30-2007, 04:07 PM   #9
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Thanks very much, Maggie. I won't give up. I'm glad your mom didn't. I was able to bring it up today, and there was no defensive reaction. She just told me, as always, she needs to get a new job and straighten her life out. I am trying to bring up the issues from her past which have left some scars, but she isn't ready or willing to talk about them. I will keep suggesting a therapist, though. She doesn't see the reality of the problems.

Thanks for advice, all of you.

Trish

 
Old 05-30-2007, 04:34 PM   #10
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

hi Trish,

I have been waiting for my mum to ask me very simple things, but related to my illness, things like "How are you getting on with your depression?", "How did the doc appointment go?", "So, how often you need to see your doc, counsellor?", "How's uni? Are you able to keep up your work?", "How are you doing in your counselling?" etc. very simple but direct questions, but never, she never asks... She has been avoiding the words such as Doctor, Counselling, Meds, Depression, which are all key words, anf I honestly dont mind her being straight forward, I would much rather this way. You might get negative reaction from your daughter and she might think you are pushing her a bit, but to be honest, I think a lot of depressed people would generally think things/people are pushing them in one way or another anyway, so it doesnt really matter. The first step is always the hardest, but she has to take the first step, and if she cant take it herself, you need to somehow push her, once she has taken the first step, the next step, the step after and every single steps would get much easier.

But this is just me, I would rahter people be direct and open, and of cause, it took me a while to get to this stage. I was avoiding everything, and I just didnt wanna take abt it at all, but the more I talk abt it, the better I feel. So yeah, I think you have to give her a little push, but not too much if you notice her reaction is too negative, thren stop and try again in another time. Dont do what my mum did, she pushed me too hard once, and that was the only time she did, she nearly "killed" me (I think I mentioned it in my last post). Remember, be patient, it takes time to "open someone's heart".

Hope it helps.

ExTra

 
Old 05-31-2007, 03:35 PM   #11
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Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

Hi Extra,

Thanks for sending advice. A local news sportscaster commited suicide last month, and the station is starting bi-weekly stories on people who have recovered from depression. One man interviewed said it took a while for him to realize that he wasn't dealing with loss of character, it was more like a broken bone that needed to be fixed. He is an important local businessman who hid the depression for 30 or more years. I'm hoping to get my daughter to watch this news station.

It makes me wonder how many people are dealing with it now? I'm not good at giving advice, but I care about people. I wish we could send help to anyone who reads this board. I know there are probably many who read, but don't post.

If there is anyone reading these posts who needs help, there are people here who can listen.

Trish

 
Old 05-31-2007, 06:56 PM   #12
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jules3 HB User
Re: Persuade daughter to seek help?

oh god, so many people are dealing with depression..and unless you have ever felt it you have no idea how horrible it is. Its just that after all this time there still is such a stigma attached to it.

 
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