This is going to be a mess because I first thought about it HOURS ago, didn't get to the computer until now.
I'll try to be brief (but that's unlikely - I'm loquacious by nature).
I recognize that the very act of coming to this board means I believe there is hope for relief. I try and try, but can't seem to stop "reaching out" (dammit). And as you've already discerned, I'll smack the crap out of you if you get close.
I wanted to say that I don't really buy it that doors can open if I can deal with my issues. I'm 50 years old. I have lead an unhealthy life (I have smoked, heavily, for 37 years - have done some bad "recreational" drugs - would rather eat what TASTES good than what is good for me, etc) and I honestly don't expect to last as long as my parents (70s). While I could certainly make changes that could prolong my life...WHY WOULD I???
Arggggghhhhhhhhh, I'm not making sense.
I visit my dad as much as possible. I call him every day, since his second wife (a money-sucking, evil *****) got terminal cancer. [He married #2 - in Vegas - 5 months after my mom, his wife of 48 years, died - while I was with her, he was in the other room playing computer solitaire.] #2 died in April (after 5 years of marriage and virtual lower-limb reconstruction - at DAD'S EXPENSE). Having been through the "wife-hunt" after Mom died I was not surprised when he started sharing TMI (Too Much Information). But aparrently the second wife got him communicating at a new, more "real", level. He seems to be in "confession mode". I barely stopped him from confessing that he cheated on my mother.
I almost burst into tears there. But what would be the point. Besides, I'm practicing my "deer-in-the-headlights" response to life. Getting better at it, don't want to blow that.
I told you this would be a mess. It would be so much easier if you would simply reply and say, "You need professional HELP. GO AWAY!!!" It would be such a relief if others would reply with "***????????" I would leave you all alone if you would, please, just do that...
Lilc, you are the one who is in control here. If you are uncomfortable having any contact with me I will gladly respect that. The ball is in your court and we are talking about your needs here not mine. If you want contact this is fine. If you don't want contact this is also fine. Good Luck either way!
Sannah, sigh, you know that's not it. I do want contact, friends, someone to "share" with. Just don't think I'm any good at caring for my friendships, don't think it's fair to expect anyone to care.
Have chosen to instead work on renovating my facade (it is brittle and thin). The dad thing just threw me. Not because I'm mad at him. It's because I AM him. Even though I barely knew him, I've "inherited" the worst of him (other things I've learned about too, mostly since mom died).
Lilc, I've learned that the people on this board give freely of their hearts. We don't expect anything from you and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to reciprocate what you receive from the friends you've made here.
Lilc, I am here to help so don't feel like you have to be looking out for my needs, okay? If I don't want to come here, I won't. I want to come here and you have found a special place in my heart like others here have too.
Sounds like you have a fear of intimacy. I had to deal with this too when I was in my 20's. Yes, you can deal with it in your 50's!
Thank you all. Don't understand, but I DO thank you!
Sannah, at first I was going to say "you couldn't be more wrong!" I'm not afraid of physical intimacy (guess dad isn't either!) as I've had more than plenty of that.
I spent most of my adult life being an "open book" - to the point where someone once told me that "the first thing you do when you meet someone is to tell them everything shocking about you, then dare them to like you anyway". (I stopped doing that, by the way.) So I thought that "sharing" my painful stuff was PROMOTING intimacy. Seeing it written down like this it sounds ridiculous...
So I think I haven't got a clue what intimacy is.
The "explosion" was because I tried so hard to think of ONE HUMAN BEING I could talk to about how very similar I am to my dad. (He is incapable of confronting unpleasantness - I've learned to do that some -, he would rather hide things from his spouse than express his feelings, and he was a cheater.)
It isn't that I'm excessively ashamed - I've changed, made considerable progress in some areas. And I'm not a cheater anymore! The problem is these feelings. I could articulate them that day, but couldn't think of a single person that I could share them with. So I exploded. And I have forgotten how I was going to explain the feeings. And frankly, this feels better...
So, having said all of this, I will call you "smarty pants" again, because when I read this back it sure DOES seem like I'm afraid of intimacy!
OK, so far, I'm being braver with you-all than I've been with anyone in a very long time. Scary.
Last edited by lilc; 05-30-2007 at 03:20 PM.
Reason: Had 3 more minutes to finish...
Thank you all. Don't understand, but I DO thank you!
Sannah, at first I was going to say "you couldn't be more wrong!" I'm not afraid of physical intimacy (guess dad isn't either!) as I've had more than plenty of that.
I spent most of my adult life being an "open book" - to the point where someone once told me that "the first thing you do when you meet someone is to tell them everything shocking about you, then dare them to like you anyway". (I stopped doing that, by the way.) So I thought that "sharing" my painful stuff was PROMOTING intimacy. Seeing it written down like this it sounds ridiculous...
So I think I haven't got a clue what intimacy is.
The "explosion" was because I tried so hard to think of ONE HUMAN BEING I could talk to about how very similar I am to my dad. (He is incapable of confronting unpleasantness - I've learned to do that some -, he would rather hide things from his spouse than express his feelings, and he was a cheater.)
It isn't that I'm excessively ashamed - I've changed, made considerable progress in some areas. And I'm not a cheater anymore! The problem is these feelings. I could articulate them that day, but couldn't think of a single person that I could share them with. So I exploded. And I have forgotten how I was going to explain the feeings. And frankly, this feels better...
So, having said all of this, I will call you "smarty pants" again, because when I read this back it sure DOES seem like I'm afraid of intimacy!
OK, so far, I'm being braver with you-all than I've been with anyone in a very long time. Scary.
"the first thing you do when you meet someone is to tell them everything shocking about you, then dare them to like you anyway."
WHOA!
I've never been that way!
Maybe you also figure a person's probably not going to like you anyway, so why not just RUN them away???
Everyone isn't like that. Give a person a chance to know you as a person, and don't judge yourself FOR THEM. Let them decide if they like you or not. It's ok to say "NO" to whatever you don't want, don't like, don't agree with... there is a such thing as "no".
The sooner you learn that, the more you'll feel free to say it, and the better you'll feel about yourself.
JuJu, Sannah, all of you, I just got a feeling like a satisfying SIGH...
You folks do frighten me. It is clear that there is no point in presenting the standard BS here - I'M JUST NOT THAT SPECIAL!!! I'm not "confusing", I'm not "different", I'm not strange. I'm just someone. Gotta tell you, that is one of the most comforting notions I've experienced - in my entire life. Always TRYING for it, almost never finding it.
This past week has been hellish. All work, exhausted, tumultuous. I haven't been on this or the MS board aside from a glance, haven't had time or energy.
I get scared to come here. I feel obligated to act like a MEMBER - to read other posts and respond when I think it might be beneficial. And I can't do that every day. When I feel like I'm holding things together I get afraid that if I come here (or the MS board, for that matter) I will crumble.
Yet you all are having a profound impact on my day-to-day life. I'm not saying "I'm getting better and stronger every day!" I'm saying I'm looking at myself, a little differently, a little bit, each day. You are "calling my bluff". I thank you.
Lilc, this is wonderful news! Do we break through that tough outer exterior that you have built up over the years for protection? There is another way to protect yourself and you can learn it.
I understand that message boards are really awkward, especially if you're not used to them. But it really is what you make of it. Even if you don't like the responses you're getting, those responses are from real people but in essence, it's just text on a screen.
And I don't think that by typing on here, you're obliged to "open up." You're not even obliged to type. This is simply a place to remind yourself that other people also have these problems and that you are still human. If you need advice or space to vent, this is the place to do it. But even the timid can find at least some strength from the notion that others have been there and done that.
that is what I do on a daily and the medication does help some. 
Re: Sannah, thank you, but please stop it 
