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Old 05-27-2007, 09:45 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 647
pucca_chick HB User
Angry Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

im fed up. im seeing my doc tomorrow and it CANNOT come quick enough

not just for previous reasons, but i have managed 2nd degree burns. i dont regret it but at the same time i want to fix it. my skin is raw red and i cant stop scratching im bleeding a little. then ive errupted in blisters and my skin is soooo tender. the pain of moving and twisting is noticable and im staying away from people, im walking like a penguin. i stay in bed just to scratch the burns its soo bad.its larger than 2 cig boxes in size

im calling into the pharmacy today to get something until tomoorw because it is unbearable and i have to work

other than that-things are CRAP

xox
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My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 05-27-2007, 11:23 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix AZ
Posts: 1,341
lilc HB User
Re: Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

pucca, please understand, I'm not in great shape myself - but I did read your post.

Burns HURT. Don't know how you did it, but it doesn't really matter. It is pain. And I'm guessing it is less painful than what you've been toting around...Pretty sure it wouldn't put a dent in my pain (selfish indulgence - SORRY!). Here's why I say that: a few years ago (Sept. 2000) I was hit and run over by a truck. (Can I inject here the irony of the long-time excuse I gave for continuing to smoke cigarettes: "I could be hit by a truck tomorrow!")

The truck stopped moving while on my lower leg. (I was on my motorcycle at the time.) The first thing I did was to try to pull my foot out from under the truck tire. I felt the bones separating (my tibula, fibula and ankle were all crushed) before any rescuers arrived. It just plain did not hurt, at all. Nothing. Like popping Leggo blocks apart.

When the Good Samaritans and paramedics arrived someone suggested that it might be painful. I dutifully complied with the obvious and began to cuss.

I'm SO sorry I am incapable of being brief, but here's the point:

No one (doctors) could understand how I could sustain a near total separation of my foot from my body without pain and without losing consciousness. A holistic massage therapist I was seeing didn't even blink when she said' "You were already in so much [emotional] pain it wasn't noticeable."

Please be careful with your body - while it can sustain considerable hurt, it does tend to also sustain scars. You deserve the chance to recover your emotional heath. PHYSICAL scars will make it harder.

Please DUMP IT - here, but also in a professional setting.

I'm giving advice to myself, you know!

 
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Old 05-28-2007, 05:32 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,301
mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

Kerry..........you are doing this "saviour" thing with your doc again hon!!!!!! Things are not getting better. Kerry I know you have told us so often that you dont want to be taken care of, but Kerry that's exactly what you need right now. You need someone you can turn to at any time, not just on Tuesdays or when your next appointment is. You need help from people who love you, not just people who are "scheduled" to see you. Those people are very important to the process yes, but they have to be "part" of it, not all of it. Kerry please please talk to your parents...I know I sound like a broken record here but you need to stop this, I am getting really worried about you, and I think you are worried for yourself hon!!!! I am leaving today on vacation but I'm sure Sannah and Dakota will respond when they see your message.
Lilc made a good point when she said your physical pain is alot less than your mental pain. You need to deal with this. You have a support system here, you have friends, and you have your parents. Please Please Kerry, reach out for some help...there's NOTHING wrong with doing that, it's a symbol of strength. Kerry, if you cant do it for yourself, then do it for your parents, they love you and would not want to see you in this kind of pain.
I will look for you when I get back and hope and pray you are feeling better!!!

Big hugs to you Kerry!!!
Love, Carsam

Last edited by mary09; 05-28-2007 at 05:33 AM.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 06:05 AM   #4
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

Kerry, what can I say....... You need help from your parents but you have some thoughts in your head about how they are going to swallow you and take over your life. Well, I think this is what you need at the moment. You clearly are not getting better following your plan. If you tell your parents you will not die. You have all of these fears in your head about what will happen if you tell your parents. You will still have Keria to help you and I am sure that your doc will help you more if you tell her that you are going to tell your parents because there is simply not much else she can do without you having a support system (unless the doc lets you move in with her).

 
Old 05-28-2007, 08:03 AM   #5
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even_sly HB User
Re: Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

Kerry ~ I agree with carsam and sannah... Seeking help is not a symbol of weakness at all. It IS a symbol of strength. My therapists have always told me that seeking peace and happiness is NOT easy. Not everyone does it. Some just sit and feel bad their whole life. The fact that you go out and find people to help you shows strength. Sometimes you can't just do it on your own. And that's nothing to feel bad about. Please get help, k? No one should go through life feeling so awful. ((((((hugs))))) and please keep us updated on how you are. ~ Sly
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Last edited by even_sly; 05-28-2007 at 08:04 AM.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 08:20 AM   #6
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

kerry babe,

you'll never stop hurting if you continue this path, girlfriend. this isn't good!!! you've done this for a long time, and has it gotten any better? with all your struggle, with all your hiding, with all your desire to control this part of your life and go about getting better on your own, have things really gotten better? are you happier now than when you first started?

look, i know how frustrated you may be because of those doctors and assessors out there. honestly, i don't know what the hell they are good for, anyway. they don't seem to be good for anything, in my opinion. even if medical care is for free in uk, it stinks!!!! i mean, you tried and tried, you waited for those damned assessments, you went through them twice, and nobody, but keira seems to see that you need some real help here!!! and, anybody on this board sees that as well (that you do need help), but those stupid moronic doctors don't. it's beyond me--honestly!!!

but, letting that aside, since you can't rely on them anymore, the one path you have now and the one that you really, really,really need to concentrate on is keira!!!! you must see this! the other path, in addition to keira, like other posters have been telling you for a while now, and even people you haven't heard from before are starting to tell you--you must see one other option. so, nr. 1 is keira. nr. 2 are your parents. you never know kerry. you think they will react one way, but they may react differently. you're not a psychic. you can't predict anyone's behavior and how things will unfold in the future. what we see here about you and your struggles so far, is that they haven't gotten you that far. you have made very tiny progress, because you managed to get a therapist, which is wonderful. but you need more than that, babe. you need more than your friends too. so what if they yell and scream? they'll probably do it once, and most likely because you haven't told them sooner--but that could be the worst that could happen...but they did it before for other things and it passed... you don't have to be afraid. and you don't have to be scared for their wellbeing either. i told you before--they're mature, they're adults; they've been through life and through its ups and downs--they know how to handle stuff. don't be scared they'll shatter, cuz they won't. but you may, hon. i can't take to see you struggle so much anymore. please think about YOU and YOUR life, not anybody else's, at least for now. until you get back on your feet again, you MUST think only about YOUSELF getting better.

hugs,
D.
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Old 05-28-2007, 05:43 PM   #7
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 647
pucca_chick HB User
Re: Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

hey guys, thanks for all your advice, thats soo interesting about the truck-its so weird, you must be in a lot of pain , i hope you can gather strength and keep battling.

im broken nonight, its the middle of the night and i cant even sleep and im counting out pills, its so awful but my parents need for me is losening and im distancing from the consequences of suicide, i wish i could evaporate and be calm and happy about it-ans everyone would be fine and happy.

my blisters have majorly blown up (yuck). i see my doc in the morning, i NEED someones help, this all must go somewhere bcause it doesnt matter how many people ther are around me-im alone in my own head. im crawling along in life right now, just making it from base to base because its neccessary. ever wondered if you went to hospital would it actually be good for you, for a rest? i feel like a car about to run out of gas, lke im chucking along about to conk out. im ready for giving in, its not fair why do i have to do this?? nothing ever gets better it just turns in circles.

im puffed out and feel i need a rest. guys i know how much you need for me to tell my parents, but i cant and wont. im moving out in a few months, starting my own life, itll all go backwards if i tell them, they wont leave me alone, things are easier myself, you say i need to focus in ME-this i how i do it, everything nees to be channelled into just dealing with myself, i cant deal with others. i know they are not my burden, but it still feels that way and i cannot do it. ive gone to hell for them and i wont give up now, not when im so close to getting out from under them and really trying to live myself. its been years and i wont give it away with such uncertainty months before im free.

to tell them is like reliving the abuse all over-i cant. please understand me, its impossible right now, maybe someday ill post that ive told them.

im glad your all here for me

xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 05-29-2007, 06:47 AM   #8
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

Kerry, yes, you need a rest. Tell us how your appt went.

 
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