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Old 05-28-2007, 12:15 AM   #1
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mixer HB User
Help please

I am 33 married for 4 years, been with my wife for 10 years in all. A year ago I lost mum after battling breast cancer for over 20 years. I have a history of negative self-image troubling past due to an own illness between 6-9 (lost most of that time), my mum's illness, premature hairloss at 17 and overweight. After my mum passed away the negative self-image got worse and I developed an obsession about feeling unattractive with mirror obsessions, etc. I was diagnosed as having depression with anxiety and prescribed anti-depressants.

To top it all up I started developing crashes and recently when I was abroad I came close physically with an attractive girl who has quite a promiscious history. I had always been faithful to my wife before. That made feel very bad and guilty as it was not fair on my wife. However I am externalising my thoughts about myself by desiring quite attractive women and that adds up to my unhappiness, not to mention that I try to find my mum in attractive women who have some element in common with her, usually physical. I am also undergoing therapy and that has helped a bit.

But I am afraid that I can ruin my life and that of other.s

 
Old 05-28-2007, 03:45 AM   #2
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Re: Help please

Hi,

Wish I could help but dont have any experience of this kind of situation. I just wanted you to know there are people here that listen and I hope somebody can give you the help and support that you need and crave.

Warm wishes x

 
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:55 AM   #3
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Re: Help please

I think we all have "stuff" like this. Things we do to make ourselves feel better, yet they are "destructive." But it's only a quick fix... You feel good for a little while and then the self-hatred feelings come back. The only real "fix" is to just love yourself... unconditionally.

For me, I make myself vomit. It's awful. I don't do it every day, but I get it in my head that I'm "fat" and that's what does it. It's really a self-hatred thing, though. I know that. I'm trying really hard to stop.

I think you just have to remember that you are a wonderful, beautiful person... You ARE. Not because someone says you are, but just because you ARE. You don't need these women to make you feel good about you... That's why you're being with them, right?

Talk to your therapist about this. (I'm sure you are.) They'll help you work through it. It just takes time.

I don't know if any of that helped... I hope so. Hang in there and let us know how you're doing. ((((((hugs))))) ~ Sly
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"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~ Lao Tzu

 
Old 05-28-2007, 11:28 AM   #4
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Re: Help please

Yes, probably that is why I do it. Women make me feel better about myself because probably I finf it difficult to accept myself, especially physically. That much I know and if I am able to be friends only it is not so much of a problem. The problems start if I can't control and find someone who reciprocates back.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 02:45 AM   #5
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Trixibel HB User
Re: Help please

Getting crushes is normal. Everyone gets them from time to time. It's hard not to. And wanting to find your mum in someone is normal too. You're going through a hard time. Just ride with it. Don't do anything that will spoil your relationship with your wife. We all have to roll with these difficult times. I had a period when I was your age when I had a massive crush on someone - and I'm married with three children. I'm sure it was just some part of me thinking 'is this all there is?' and wanting some 'excitement'. Don't feel guilty about 'thoughts' as long as they're just thoughts. Everyone has them. And the crush wasn't on someone really attractive - he wasn't spectactularly attractive - he was just nice to me, and sometimes that's what we need. Someone who makes us feel good. My husband's nice to me too, but we've been together 14 years and probably don't 'see' each other any more if you know what I mean. But my husband is slightly overweight and bald and I still find him very attractive. Sorry, this is a bit of a ramble.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 04:46 AM   #6
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Re: Help please

Yes probably I have got used to my wife and that makes me feel as I don't feel right that I desire other attractive women. But that is unfortunately the way it is. Before I thought that these thoughts showed that I don't love my wife enough but it seems they are part of life. And yes balding made so much more self-conscious, even though most women I know like my shaven look and my wife sees me as very attractive too. My problem is that I obsess and that brings about depression. I also suffer from migraine and read somewhere that people who suffer from migraine have a higher chance of suffering from depression.

 
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