it feels like im on the biggest rolercoaster. things didnt go to well with my doc. she was rather cold, i think she has just switched off to me totally now. i was almost not going to go, i bought a plastic bag to be sick in-i was prepared for the worst though. i got in and keep getting met with the line 'and what can i do for you' as if ive never seen her or been there before for the same ****-she knows why im here. i hate this medical ******** they pull all the time, why not just use your common sense, a simple' so how have things been since we last talked'would have done wonders for my head
like she used to say.
we hit a brick wall again, this woman is worse than my mother, ive never met a more stubborn person-jesus christ! so i went through it aaalll again. she hit it on the head saying i maybehad too high expectations of her(duh), that there is nothing we can do, she has no ideas and that she is with the psych
i know its true but i cant cope with it. then she started the rant of how theres no magic wand-i know this, im past expecting that, i of all people bloody know these things dont just suddenly flash out of existance or memory so would people please stop lecturing me no matter how much it may seem i want it-of course id love a magic wand, but there isnt one.
she gave me notes for UNI, i honestly dont think she knows whats wrong with me. she tripped up and said 'you are mmm' and then stopped and used someother term for mentally ill-a way around it. i dont even care anymore, she cannot help me anymore and im left to my own devices again, but im thankful for all she did give me, she was there and good while she lasted, but hey-im a demading patient and i cant suck the life and time out of all her working hours. right now whether they say im ill or not-i Know i am, i know myself better than any of them as keira says, i know things are deeply not right with me and im in trouble.
its just i was so desperate this morning, one of those where i can barley get up and was crying this morning again. i wanted so much for her to help, even be nice to me or kind word or something, she wasnt mean but she was what id call 'clinical'. then i told her about the blisters, whoopdy doo, not even i could give a ****, so she gave me cream and that was it. i wanted to sit my *** in that chair forever till she somehow came around and helped, its just there were no words. she just went'bye'. but thats life i suppose.
i was furious a bit, but more hurt, deeply hurt. so i cried in a forest like a **** for a while, rang my freind in tears, texted keira. then i went to the UNI counsellor app, shes funny, shes waaaay behind on all three of us. i almost choked when she said'well i definatley think your doc wil come around'. thats bollocks-she will not, its been two weeks and she hasnt thawed in the slightest, its finished. i still need disability notes though, and she has all my records.
but i have a new plan now. as im falling apart. i cant do it all alone and 1 hr a week isnt enough, i need an explanation, a goal, i dont even know what im working with, if i dont understand what is wrong with me i cannot come to terms with it, and things NEED to start moving, if i stop i will die i think. so im still searching for help. keir and i talked with another doc, she says go to another GP-things are getting beyond managable even in the phsycial sense at times and i feel like im looking down a long tunnel with all the **** i have been doing these last weeks, i want to stop it before i fall head-first down it. thats what im doing, im screwing it all, sklipping all the crap, instead of taking my time like last time, im used to spilling it now alomost, thats the one good thing that came out of all this-ive learnt to get the right help i need to be sooo upfront, i really need to just crack my head wide oepn to them, not like last time were i remained closed, not on purpose, i just dont think the emotion was able to come out, now with all this its come flushing out. im writing my history, feelings, harming and everything down for a female GP(dnt know who yet). keira and i discussed it, we think we need someone who isnt as involved, my GP has been there through it all and i get the feeling shes too deep into it and i need someone who can just take a black and white veiw of it from far back-who will know that there is something needs to be done fast. my GP has had 3 psychs go against her, yet i talk to her and she is seeing one thing yet the psych are telling her different,weve been up and won, sideways and back tofront, she has seen most of it and its gotten old, i think she just gave up and has no idea now, its easier to belive the psychs. my counsellor at UNI beleives that she has her hands tied, shes just primary care, not a psych. theyve overuled her really and now she actually cant really do anything. which means starting from scratch again, but with a little more knowlegde of what to do and what not to-for one...dont get so damn attacthed to the doc.
i learnt something off here once-go in and act like you are intervewing them, if they arent up to it theres always more. my doc was great but had a few flaws,im thankful she was so warm even though i got attatched and trampled on, part of me thinks i needed it to open my mind to getting help, because if she was a ***** i wouldve never even thought about it, now i have the confidence to go chasing help. i just need a doc that can listen to my concerns and undertsand frustration, who can point me in the right direction. i will do the rest if someone please would for godsake just point me in the right direction!
i hate this idea that they think i want it done for me, my doc today said the answers are in me, yes they are but i need help finding them, i have no clue and everyone just left before it was over. but for the moment right now im a bit stronger(i was a total mess this morning so god knows what tonight will hold).
i need a GP anyway, so sannah/dakota/******, what do you think. with a bit more wit about me do you think i could help myself get through this?? at least now i know the warning signs, and hoefully that GP was just 'special' and there arent others that will get me so attatched, but im thinking i managed once without her so i can do it again, im glad she helped me and i dont think i regret it, it hurts like hell but maybe in a ****ed up way this is helping me learn about a)NEVER get attatched to a doc, B) that i CAN be boss and get myself help, as im about to do?? do you think my doc realised i ws turning into a dependant **** and thats why she switched off, i just want to know your opinion? im not asking for a deep deep sympathtic relationship, i just need a GP to do what is neccessary to help me until i can hold the steering wheel all myself, . thers endless schemes out there, maybe thers somewhere with people just like me i can find and not be so alone all the time and try and talk?