I am a 31 year old Male whose life just seems to be going down and down and it is ALL my fault, I take the blame for all my actions, but I live to regret now. Let me start from 1998, I am originally from England born and raised there lived there until I was 22 years old until I met a girl over the internet, I talked to her for over a year until we arranged to meet (March 1998), I took the trip over to Kansas where she was from and what was supposed to be a 2 week vacation turned into us getting married (hugely pushed into it by her parents, she was only 18).
So, she came back with me to England for 2 months and then we both moved back to Kansas to start our life together. Obviously after a while I started missing my family and friends very much and started to regret it (about a month or two into it). After a while I got used to the fact, in fact I LOVED the compliments I got on my accent from girls, especially a guy from England in KANSAS of all places, so different to them, I loved the attention so I started to enjoy being there, after about 2 years with this girl I cheated on her with several other girls I worked with, again I loved the attention. I got my greencard and left the girl I was married to for another woman, whom I got pregnant to my now 5 year old beautiful daughter who I love so much!
Of course that relationship did not last as about a year after we moved to Las Vegas I again started to enjoy the advances of other women and cheated on her with several women, I was enjoying life, so I split up with her and moved into my own place, I ended up getting a girl pregnant again, I did not want a baby with this girl but she would not abort the child (this was 2003), so the company I was working for offered me a job in Denver, CO was a promotion and there was also this beautiful girl there I wanted to be close by so I moved there. After a couple of months I got HER pregnant, I mean she was beautiful and I was excited to have a baby with her as I saw myself settling down with her, VERY soon, I mean days after she told me she was pregnant she started to act weird, all of a sudden she wanted nothing to do with me and I didn't see her again, a month or 2 went by and one day in October 2004 (about 4 months after I moved to Denver) I went to the ER with chest pains and a racing heart, I seriously thought I was having a heart attack, I find I was having a panic attack and anxiety. Since that day my life has never been the same again. I moved back to Las Vegas in November as I thought it maybe being that I missed my 5 year old so much stress won me over. I was ok for a while until I started getting upto my old tricks again, playing around, cheating on women and met another girl where I work at (around March 2005) whom I got pregnant on the first date.
I love all of my children very much (I have never seen the one in Denver as the girl will not anser my calls or anything), Depression, anxiety has taken over me, I am sad all of the time I feel lonely. I do stupid things that I never would have done, like gamble my money away, go to prostitutes for oral sex, I am worried how my life will end up, I am broke thru child support and owing back taxes..I am frightened. I still live with the girl who I had the last child with, she has told me she don't love me...I support her and my youngest child and pay child support on 2 of the other 3. I have been STUPID, I regret all of this, except for my children whom I Love so much, I just wish I could have them all with me, my current girl has never gotten used to the fact I have other kids, and can't except them. we come from totally different worlds and argue all the time.
Sometimes I just want to go and move back to England, back with my family and friends, but then I think of my children, I would be even more depressed because I would never see them...I am trapped and lonely :O( Depressed, nobody to talk to, no real friends here.
The increasing violence and school shootings depresses me even more, I feel tears in my eyes when I hear of children getting killed and think what if it were mine? I am scared of this life for them. I am not suicidal, I am scared of death, but I worry all of the time. I worry about losing my job, how will I live..crazy stuff, seems like I don't fit in here in the states.
I have been to the doctor who has tried to put me on AD's, but I don't want to take them and get addicted, I take Xanax occasionally that helps a little sometimes.
I think I just need friends to talk to, but I am not very sociable, so my girlfriend keeps telling me. I know I can be a good person, but most of the time I am not. I am not religious, but I believe in God, I need God in my life, but I just feel tired and can't be bothered to do anything most of the time.
I wanted to make sure I got you some sort of reply tonight as I KNOW hoe depression hurts. I do not have time however to express and say all I want to, to you. I too live in Vegas. I understand the gambling stuff all too well. If I had not stopped my husband would have left me. I am lucky to have someone who FINALLY after sooo many years understands my depression to a point anyway.
I will post back to you cause I can see your beating your self up for past mistakes and such. We cant change the past we can only learn from it. Stay strong and I will post back again and maybe I can offer some help.
This is just my opinion.You have basically lost control of your life and in the battle to get it back you hit this bout of situational depression. If you had all your children together would you be happy then? In my experience people who cheat on their partners is seeking something they are not getting at home. You need to take sometime and decide what will make you happy. Xanax is a strictly a anxiety med so it will not make any difference on your depression and to be quite honest I really don't think you need meds. Your at a pivotal point in your life and it is time to be the person you really want to be and everything else should work itself out from there.
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
I agree...I don't think I need meds either. This is all caused by what I have done myself. If only I could be debt free, stop doing stupid things, be with someone I love and loves me back, have all my children together (never will happen since they are all different mothers)...that is a perfect world, unfortunately we cannot have everything we want huh?? I just can't seem to get on the right track though.
Sorry to hear that you are not feeling yourself and you are right it all comes from things you have done in the past but they are things that are done and cant be changed. Obviously, these relationships were not right and having children early on in them probably didnt help matters as you probably know yourself.
I dont really know what is the best advice I am afraid - all I can say is take your time to think about what you want and how best you can achieve it. Take things slow and dont rush into any major decisions or relationships or you could end up in this situation again. But keep talking and use this site if you have nobody else to - there are some good people here with good advice.
I dont know what the weather is like over there but here in England it is pretty wet and grey.
You got caught up in all the attention you were getting (and you did admit that).
You don't know yourself -- yet.
You've learned a lot of things the hard way. You've got-- what? -- 3 or 4 kids w/3 or 4 different BMs?
It's good you love and care for your kids; that's what a parent does.
Now you've got that parental worry, constantly wondering if everytime there's a school shooting, are your kids ok? Are they safe?
You should see a therapist; but you also have a lot of guilt on your shoulders for having done the things you've been doing.
What have you said to the 1st girl you married (and you got a green card from that marriage)? That was a pitiful, "rushed into" wedding.
You married someone that YOU didn't know and that didn't know YOU.
You have a lot of forgiving of your OWN self to do; and, really, you need forgiveness from those you hurt w/all that cheating.
I don't know if you should ask them b/c they're gonna be pretty P.O.'d at you--so just work on yourself for now.
Be a real dad to your kids.
Last edited by jujubeez725; 05-30-2007 at 09:57 AM.
Marcus, you sound impulsive? I think that people become anxious from insecurity. What have you done to obtain a secure life? I'm usually not a person who focuses on diagnoses but I am wondering with your impulsiveness if you need a diagnosis here?
I am not a therapist or a psychiatrist but it sounds to me like you may have something close related to or a mild form of borderline personality disorder. This is what ( after years of suffering I was diagnosed with). It is certainly not at all like it sounds. Not multiples or anything. The name sounds soo severe LOL that I freaked when I heard it LOL. I hate the name. Here are some of the main symptoms and be honest with yourself and see if it sounds like you.
fear of abandonment
pattern of unstable relationships ( example...go from idealizing people, lovers, or caregivers to devaluizing them)
unstable self image or self worth
Impulsivity ( such as drinking, drug abuse, gambling or unsafe sex)
Suicide threats or attempts are common ( even when the threats are known in your head to be just that, a threat. Never really intending to die but still feeling like you want to)
severe mood swings lasting a few hours to days.
express inappropriate, intense anger, and difficulty controlling it
Display extreme sarcasm and enduring bitterness
chronic feelings of emptiness
transient stress related paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms
I think no matter what, you need to talk to someone in the professional field even if it is just once. I know you may not think you need meds but maybe you do maybe you dont. Sometimes depression seems like it is because of the bad events in our life. But in other cases the depression could have been the cause of them in the first place. It sounds to me like you may have had self esteem issues, and when you found all of the female attention to your liking it was a feeling you enjoyed and you became reckless/ Impulsive about it.
Gambling itself can ruin your life. TRUST me I know this all too well. I have tried to quit for years and years and I still have fall outs once in a while but they are small and I catch myself. If you need God in your life, force yourself to go one day... once you find that church for you and see how good you feel when you leave you will find it easier to get up and go the next time.
I take Celexa for my depression and I find no side effects from it at all it doesnt seem like it would be addicting. I dont feel any different from taking it. They only thing I noticed is that after 4-5 weeks into it I realised I wasn't having as many bad days. That is why I like this med sooo much. It didnt dull me or drug me out or even change me I just noticed on the side " hey I have been feeling much better lately". It was wonderful. My husband also noticed at about 4-5 weeks that I hadn't had as many days where I broke down or got angry or cried over what seemed like little things. I had less days where I said the world would be better off without me, and that I was a horrible mom and wife. And now those days are almost non existent. If feels great. I did just feel the need ( and approached my Dr about it) to go from the minimum dose of 20 mg to 40 mg. I have some heart health issues that have me spending a lot of time in the hospital away from my family. Lots of tests lots of pain and fear. So I wanted to make sure I kept my depression under control during this difficult time. I cant believe how much better I am handling it all verses how it would have went just a year ago. I also take xanax. I keep it handy on my all the time and especially take it if I know I am entering a difficult situation. But I try not to take too much as the xanax if used too much or inappropriately can dull you and zombie you out instead of help you. It has been a life saver for me though. Meds can work and it doesnt make you crazy because you take them. Its like taking insulin for a diabetic some people needs meds to be healthy whether it be physically or emotionally or mentally. Make sense?
We cant dwell on what we dont have. I tend to dwell on our smaller home with the very high payment due to bad credit created by my gambling problem ( ummmm guilt a bit LOL). I try very hard not to punish myself for the past I cant change it, it is done. I must just try to make the future as bright as possible with what I have to work with. The past is just that... the past let it go and see into the future and plan for a good one and beat the odds.
Do not stay with someone who will add to your unhappiness. Fathers have rights too and if you want to see your children you can!!! Also I know lots of people who joined those online dating sites ( the legit ones there is one Dr Phil sponsors I forgot which one though) and found wonderful friends and even wives or husbands. But dont jump into anything or be pressured by ANYONE, and be honest about your life and what you want. Protect yourself from unwanted pregnancies. You cant change the past but you can learn from it. Continue to come to this board and you will always have someone to talk to.
Wow here I go long winded again. But your post struck me and I feel for you.
Vegas is a very hard place to make friends in. That is something I cant help you with I have very few and the best one ( besides any family is a girl I met online on a mommy message board).
I too fear death which is why this heart thing I am trying my best to handle with optimism and reality not paranoia. And yes the news scares all of us parents. I think that fear is inherent in parents. OMG what if that were my child. Talking to people about that can help too though, My husband and I often have talks like that. Whether it be your significant other or a therapist seriously talking about those feelings and fears does make it better. Especially after a horrible story on the news or watching a sad movie involving children or a child my husband and I talk about how we feel. Not like a hey lets sit down and talk. We have just gotten to the point where we realise we need to get our feelings out so when we are thinking about stuff or feeling stuff we get it out. Stick around and talk whenever you need to. Clean your life get the bad out and start with good. If something is rotten let it go dont punish yourself for anything anymore. Start over.
Especially Andreanna...I think you hit the nail on the head with the Multiple Personality thing, it sounds weird, but Yeah..I can relate to all of those symptoms, hmmm....that sounds crazy but that is me!!
Yes I do live in Vegas and have most of my life boy this place has changed.
But remember it is not multiple it is borderline personality disorder. I ( and if this is what you have) do not have more than one person here we just have extreme personality changes and such. To others around us they might say OMG here is the depressed sad Andreanna, or OMG here is the overactive angry out of control Andreanna stuff like that. I know what you meant though.
I am off to bed right now. But I do log on each day a couple times if I can so if you want to talk just leave a post. I know what it all feels like. I actually had to hit rock bottom and even took myself to the hospital because I took a bunch of my heart meds once ( for attention I believe) since I spit them out but didnt tell anyone I did, except for the hospital people. They put me on a 72 hour legal hold for emotional and mental instability. I spent 3 nights at spring mountain treatment center. Seriously they didnt do much for me there. The sessions were a waste of time. But my time alone to thinking really got me to understand I had a problem and needed help. I became honest with myself and my family and things quickly looked up and have headed that way ever since. I did see a psychologist and psychiatrist as well. But not for lone I can get my meds from my DR and as for now I am doing well getting my feelings out with my family but if I couldn't I would go back to the psychologist though. Life is not perfect by no means but I have no ideas of sleeping in my car any more.
Your not crazy although you may feel that way sometimes. I know I do. Take care of yourself and I will chat with you soon.
I am wondering if, when you are feeling better, are you ready to be exclusive with your current girlfriend? I agree that you need to stop punishing yourself for past behaviors, you cannot change them, make make a committment, today, to be a better person in the future, and you will feel better just making the first step towards the new you. If, in the furute you find yourself with multiple urges again, USE BIRTH CONTROL!!!! It is not fair to all these kids to have thses half siblings all over place, they will always feel some sort of disconnect, knowing that they have family out there they don't know. I know this from experience, I have a lot of half siblings, and I don't know them, and am always wondering about them. Good luck on your future.