hey guys, sorry it took me so long to reply. i really appreciate you taking my side here
i just feel like i sabotaged my own help. but its a fight in my head, on one side i feel guilty and stupid, that letter may have been the demise of everything and i deserve to be pummeled by her. but on the other side i still cant justify in my head the contradictions she told, and she did do it no matter how much i wish she didnt and try to make excuses for her. even keira will say she did do this. and the way she has treated me since, im trying to see it from her side, she is cold with me, but i dont know if thats for my own good-because she knows she cant help and doesnt want to give me false hope, but she could right now sooo much if she just let me know it wasnt me who gave it all away. im not asking her to stay with me, just to let me know we left it on an understanding note and that all my trust in her didnt go to waste-thats the main problem im having now.
i began at the end to tell her i didnt understand, that people were not listening. she was open to the idea, but i feel that was just with me, in her head she had no intentions of changing things. possibly because she knew how much she had already contradicted herself, keira says maybe she realised this and decided 'hang on im the doc, i can just brush this off on her', she really pummled me, mentally, she knows i crash easily but it didnt put a dent in her coldness with me. i dont know-maybe shes just doing her job and i cant handle it.
i see my new doc on monday, dont even know what she looks like or nothing. its the same surgury but on a day when my old doc is off-i dont need the stress and embarressment of running into her. im trying to work it out, im going to have to bulldoze thorugh all the trust issues and just say it, how im feeling, that im hanging by thread and i need something. clealry 1 hr a week is not fixing things, i need more help. i need my ****ing diagnosis back to get anywehere with help at UNi or outside support groups, how can they expect me to get better when i dont even understand what is wrong??
funny keira said the same thing-be bloody annoying because she seriously doubts that i have caused them as much stress as they have caused me, there is no need to bow down to them and let them trample me like this. your right-they cannot understand more than a normal person can unless they have experienced inside my head, the confusion and the emptyness, and the not sleeping and eating, how do they know what its like to just be a shell everyday? my UNI counsellor(nutcase who is rubbish) told me my doc is probably just upset and will come around and itll all be fine...lets look at this realistically. my *** she is upset, if she was she couldnt be so cold, i seriosuly doubt she crashed outside the surgury be her car and began getting hysterical when i gave her that letter, if she was so disconnected before why would she have got 'upset' over this??! i hate people talking bollocks for the sake of it, she hadnt a clue what i was on abaout, mixed my notes up, cant remember were i live or my history, thought all of this was about a CPN, thinks im seeing psychiatrists(im not) and then tells me to got to the UNI health centre cos all the docs there are amazing....i found it hilarious that id spent 30 minutes talking about my doc FROM the uni health centre and she was preocuupied with the idea this was a cpn! -despite the fact she writes this all down every week and still manages to forget.argh- so frustrating that they cannot even grasp whats happening. she doesnt listen well.
im trying my best to put it behind me, tryinng to get closure and stop my head going backwards over everything i did wrong-but its almost impossible. i dont think i cant move on unti i get this new doc and some help, then i can just say'well that didnt work, you blew it up on me but now i have something to focus on, getting better'. its kinda all twisted in knots,i pull one rope to try and move forward and i yank another one further in a mess if you get me.
keira is being absolutly great, i really am lucky i found a great cousnellor. she doesnt even need to take notes in my sessions, she remembers everything. she e-mails me back right away, texts to check how im holding up and then is re-arranging my appointment for sooner next week. she does seem to undertand, its weird having no one judge me and just be there for everything. i couldnt have coped without her.
well, thats how i am. i have this new thing now were i keep not wanting to go out of the house, i feel panicky and waaay to vunerable. i dont like being with people and loud places(i used to like clubbing), i meant to meet up last night with freinds, pushed myself to go, got there and got scared, left before even telling them id arrived. i got a chineese, threw it out, walked along a board walk and sat by the sea. then got a taxi home and sat in the street alone. things are lonely even when im surrounded by people. but i cannot let this fear of people stop me from going outside the house-thats too hard to hide and although im terrified ill lose my mind i wont allow another problem to arise-i have more than enough.
thanks guys, xox