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Old 05-30-2007, 05:28 AM   #1
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 558
nance484 HB User
Exclamation Bang

i feel like ive gone smack bang into it wall. like i said in my post'here we go again', i realise the logic and am trying my best to hang onto it. trying not to get caught up in this whole doc thing. she totally crushed my trust and im having to ignore that factor in order to get more help-its soooo hard.

keira realises this could take a while, there will be a bumpy road ahead. its just hard to keep pushing when help seems to push me further into dispair everytime-i cant tell what im doing but i know sitting here falling apart not chasing help isnt making it better-so thats my only other option but im scared again. i HATE being the awkward pateint, but im cornered-i cant do this myself nor can i get any further help for UNI etc without a GP. its just people ive trusted and tried to read properly have deeply let me down, its hard tp get back up and ignore all the thoughts in my head telling me to run. keira says though sometimes to get help, you need to go against everything everyone says, because you know yourself more than they do, i may just have to dig my heels in hard and refuse to be fobbed off and be awkward to get what i want, i hate being annoying, but i cant just fall apart here. its just that high proffessional talk always makes me fel 1 cm tall, they talk to me like they just know it all and im deluded.

its becoming a case of clinging on with the skin of my teeth. i hate waking up, i get up and just want to cry but nothing comes out anymore, i dont shower, dont eat, havent slept more than 3-4 hours, my bones are aching like theyre splitting in two, i feel a wreck phsyically and emotionally.nothing is worht whioe anymore and its very very empty, i feel bored even moreso now. i cant control it, i just have to keep walking, but it doesnt feel like im going forawrd it just feels like aimless walking.

its so hard, im angry at the system sometimes, for making things soo dififcult when we try so hard.


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Old 05-30-2007, 09:52 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,012
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Bang

Kerry, I have gone up against many things and kept fighting because I knew I was right and I won many times. Please try to eat!

Old 05-31-2007, 10:53 PM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 1,401
Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Bang

that's right, juju!!
i agree with you too!
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

Old 06-01-2007, 07:40 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 558
nance484 HB User
Re: Bang

hey guys, sorry it took me so long to reply. i really appreciate you taking my side here i just feel like i sabotaged my own help. but its a fight in my head, on one side i feel guilty and stupid, that letter may have been the demise of everything and i deserve to be pummeled by her. but on the other side i still cant justify in my head the contradictions she told, and she did do it no matter how much i wish she didnt and try to make excuses for her. even keira will say she did do this. and the way she has treated me since, im trying to see it from her side, she is cold with me, but i dont know if thats for my own good-because she knows she cant help and doesnt want to give me false hope, but she could right now sooo much if she just let me know it wasnt me who gave it all away. im not asking her to stay with me, just to let me know we left it on an understanding note and that all my trust in her didnt go to waste-thats the main problem im having now.

i began at the end to tell her i didnt understand, that people were not listening. she was open to the idea, but i feel that was just with me, in her head she had no intentions of changing things. possibly because she knew how much she had already contradicted herself, keira says maybe she realised this and decided 'hang on im the doc, i can just brush this off on her', she really pummled me, mentally, she knows i crash easily but it didnt put a dent in her coldness with me. i dont know-maybe shes just doing her job and i cant handle it.

i see my new doc on monday, dont even know what she looks like or nothing. its the same surgury but on a day when my old doc is off-i dont need the stress and embarressment of running into her. im trying to work it out, im going to have to bulldoze thorugh all the trust issues and just say it, how im feeling, that im hanging by thread and i need something. clealry 1 hr a week is not fixing things, i need more help. i need my ****ing diagnosis back to get anywehere with help at UNi or outside support groups, how can they expect me to get better when i dont even understand what is wrong??

funny keira said the same thing-be bloody annoying because she seriously doubts that i have caused them as much stress as they have caused me, there is no need to bow down to them and let them trample me like this. your right-they cannot understand more than a normal person can unless they have experienced inside my head, the confusion and the emptyness, and the not sleeping and eating, how do they know what its like to just be a shell everyday? my UNI counsellor(nutcase who is rubbish) told me my doc is probably just upset and will come around and itll all be fine...lets look at this realistically. my *** she is upset, if she was she couldnt be so cold, i seriosuly doubt she crashed outside the surgury be her car and began getting hysterical when i gave her that letter, if she was so disconnected before why would she have got 'upset' over this??! i hate people talking bollocks for the sake of it, she hadnt a clue what i was on abaout, mixed my notes up, cant remember were i live or my history, thought all of this was about a CPN, thinks im seeing psychiatrists(im not) and then tells me to got to the UNI health centre cos all the docs there are amazing....i found it hilarious that id spent 30 minutes talking about my doc FROM the uni health centre and she was preocuupied with the idea this was a cpn! -despite the fact she writes this all down every week and still manages to forget.argh- so frustrating that they cannot even grasp whats happening. she doesnt listen well.

im trying my best to put it behind me, tryinng to get closure and stop my head going backwards over everything i did wrong-but its almost impossible. i dont think i cant move on unti i get this new doc and some help, then i can just say'well that didnt work, you blew it up on me but now i have something to focus on, getting better'. its kinda all twisted in knots,i pull one rope to try and move forward and i yank another one further in a mess if you get me.

keira is being absolutly great, i really am lucky i found a great cousnellor. she doesnt even need to take notes in my sessions, she remembers everything. she e-mails me back right away, texts to check how im holding up and then is re-arranging my appointment for sooner next week. she does seem to undertand, its weird having no one judge me and just be there for everything. i couldnt have coped without her.

well, thats how i am. i have this new thing now were i keep not wanting to go out of the house, i feel panicky and waaay to vunerable. i dont like being with people and loud places(i used to like clubbing), i meant to meet up last night with freinds, pushed myself to go, got there and got scared, left before even telling them id arrived. i got a chineese, threw it out, walked along a board walk and sat by the sea. then got a taxi home and sat in the street alone. things are lonely even when im surrounded by people. but i cannot let this fear of people stop me from going outside the house-thats too hard to hide and although im terrified ill lose my mind i wont allow another problem to arise-i have more than enough.

thanks guys, xox

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