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Old 06-01-2007, 11:09 PM   #1
NVD NVD is offline
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The only way?

Is it necessary to continue on this "take one step forward, two steps back" pattern that I've been on? Is this really the only way?? Why is it so hard to make any progress? Why is Depression so dang hard??? Why is it that even though I'm pouring my heart out on this board, that it still feels like it's continuously overflowing with negative energy, feelings, thoughts, pain, anger, and sadness?? Why is it that happiness seems so non-existant? Is it really that difficult to feel happiness? Even depressed people are capable of being happy sometimes, right??
I'm scared. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow, and have to go through another 24 hours. Another LONG 24 hours. Another 24 hours away from my husband and daughter, another 24 hours of dealing with one cranky baby, and one sick daughter. Another 24 hours...it sounds like an impossible task right now. I'm scared. I'm scared that each day seems to be getting harder and harder. That the easy days seem to get fewer and fewer. That each day begins and ends with crying, and hopes that "today just might be the last day of this misery". But it's not, because there is always another day that wakes me from one nightmare, only to put me into a new one. Why?? I'm scared that any more, I can't even pin-point what is bringing me down. I used to at least know what I was sad, or angry, or scared about. Now, I don't. The feelings are just there, and feel so engrained into my mind, that I'm not sure there is a way out of it. What am I doing to my children? How is it going to affect them, seeing me like this day in and day out?
My five year old came out of the bathroom with some of my clothes on tonight. When I asked her what she was doing, she said "I want to be just like you, mommy". Why? Why??? I am nothing for her to immitate. I am not a good role model for her, and I don't want her to be like me. She's more than that. She's happy. She's kind. She's smart, and and strong, and beautiful, and caring, and everything that I feel that I am not capable of being right now. I am emotionally crumbling. I am physically crumbling. My body aches, and shakes, and hurts. I'm so tired, that I can't sleep. My pulse races, and I've had this migraine for the last two days.
Is this really the only way??

 
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Old 06-02-2007, 02:41 AM   #2
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72575 HB User
Re: The only way?

I suffer from depression, too. I always have, and it is a curse beyond what most people who don't have it can understand. You are not alone.
Depression is a problem in your brain, a lack of certain "happy" chemicals and proccess' that are required to make you enjoy life. Some people simply do not produce enough of it. It is often genetic. It is not your fault, though. It's not something that you asked for. It's not something that you wanted.

There is help. You need to see your doctor and get on an anti-depressant soon. Believe me, it will help you. It won't happen the next day, some take a week or even a month, but the change it will make will be amazing. You'll be able to handle life, and even enjoy it again.

I have children, too. My oldest is a daughter who just turned 5, another daughter who just turned 3, and a son that is 18 months old. My wife has a great job and education and works, I am retired from a carreer in rodeo, busted up pretty much, and stay home and raise the kids. Trust me, I understand that it is no easy task to raise children of this age. It is very demanding, stressfull and a constant task. But, they need you more than anything, despite your depression. That is the long and short of it. I know how hard it is to deal with the depression alone, and then the added chore of children makes it 10 times worse. Sometimes it is all I can do to be nice, to make lunch or to change a diaper. It is hard on your emotions because you know that not only are you suffering, but your children are suffering for it as well, right? That is the worst part for me, that my burden has become their burden and they deserve so much better. Yet, they love me unconditionally and need me all the same.
You have to be there for them, there is no way around that. No way out of that. You are and will continue to be the most important person in their life, for the rest of their life, as their mother. Even more so than a father, a mother is what a child depends on and needs, and will always need. It's just human nature.

Call your doctor Monday. Do it for your kids, and for yourself. Get on an anti-depressant. You are suffering when you don't have to be. There is hope, but it will take some time, maybe a month, but it will come. Hang in there, please. If you believe in God, as I do, pray to Him. Ask him to lift your worry, to share your burden. Put it on His back and He will carry it with you. Pray with a sincere heart and believe in what you are doing and it WILL help.

I'll be here to talk to you if you need someone to talk to in the meantime. Talking through it does help. Believe me, I've been where you are now and I understand how bad it is.

 
Old 06-02-2007, 05:07 AM   #3
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: The only way?

dear NVD,
you are BURNT!!! you must reach out to another adult to offer a helping hand. going it alone for so long will DRAIN you!!!! don't destroy your health in the process. please think of anybody who can come and stay with you for a bit. i don't know much about your life, but a mother (yours or your husband's, an aunt, a sibling, a good friend, anyone?) nobody, but nobody can withstand what you've been through for the last 2-3 weeks!!!!!!!!

my prayers and thoughts are with you!
D.
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-02-2007, 05:10 AM   #4
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: The only way?

dear 72575--i'm touched by your story, and i truly admire you!! i'm sure you've inspired many people on here.

God bless you too!
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-02-2007, 11:38 AM   #5
NVD NVD is offline
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Re: The only way?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 72575 View Post
I suffer from depression, too. I always have, and it is a curse beyond what most people who don't have it can understand. You are not alone.
Depression is a problem in your brain, a lack of certain "happy" chemicals and proccess' that are required to make you enjoy life. Some people simply do not produce enough of it. It is often genetic. It is not your fault, though. It's not something that you asked for. It's not something that you wanted.

There is help. You need to see your doctor and get on an anti-depressant soon. Believe me, it will help you. It won't happen the next day, some take a week or even a month, but the change it will make will be amazing. You'll be able to handle life, and even enjoy it again.

I have children, too. My oldest is a daughter who just turned 5, another daughter who just turned 3, and a son that is 18 months old. My wife has a great job and education and works, I am retired from a carreer in rodeo, busted up pretty much, and stay home and raise the kids. Trust me, I understand that it is no easy task to raise children of this age. It is very demanding, stressfull and a constant task. But, they need you more than anything, despite your depression. That is the long and short of it. I know how hard it is to deal with the depression alone, and then the added chore of children makes it 10 times worse. Sometimes it is all I can do to be nice, to make lunch or to change a diaper. It is hard on your emotions because you know that not only are you suffering, but your children are suffering for it as well, right? That is the worst part for me, that my burden has become their burden and they deserve so much better. Yet, they love me unconditionally and need me all the same.
You have to be there for them, there is no way around that. No way out of that. You are and will continue to be the most important person in their life, for the rest of their life, as their mother. Even more so than a father, a mother is what a child depends on and needs, and will always need. It's just human nature.

Call your doctor Monday. Do it for your kids, and for yourself. Get on an anti-depressant. You are suffering when you don't have to be. There is hope, but it will take some time, maybe a month, but it will come. Hang in there, please. If you believe in God, as I do, pray to Him. Ask him to lift your worry, to share your burden. Put it on His back and He will carry it with you. Pray with a sincere heart and believe in what you are doing and it WILL help.

I'll be here to talk to you if you need someone to talk to in the meantime. Talking through it does help. Believe me, I've been where you are now and I understand how bad it is.

Hi 72575 and Dakota,
Thank you for your posts, and your words of wisdom, compassion and understanding.
I am currently away from home. I called the State Board of Psychological Examiners, to see if I could get into anyone with a sliding fee scale, since my insurance won't cover out of network mental health services, but they said that the waiting period is about three weeks out. I'm hoping to be home by then. I've gone through my phone book several times, but everyone has their own lives, and I can't expect them to just drop everything to come and babysit me because I can't cope with the things that life has thrown me. I've been on several different meds in the past--Welbutrin, Effexor, Prozac, Paxil, Ativan, Celexa; just to name a few. They all seemed to make a difference for a short while, but then the effects would taper off, and I'd end up right back where I started. Maybe it was because the circumstances that were circling my life were so constant and consistant, and the emotional toll that came from the issues, were far to deep for any med to reach. I just don't know. Just when I think that I couldn't fall any further, like I've hit the bottom of this pit, it seems another day always comes, that throws me deeper and even deeper. How deep can one go, and still have a chance to see the light again??
I think I've put in a good fight. I've tried, and I've hung on with every strand of my being. I've seeked help, (Professionally and spiritually) I try and do what's right, I try and be a good mother, wife and friend, but there is only so much that I can do, and I only have so much stregth to continue holding on. There's only so much. There are days where emotions from my past collide with the emotions from the present, and those days it makes the future look impossible. I am so, as you put it Dakota, burnt. Emotionally, and physically, and mentally BURNT.

 
Old 06-02-2007, 12:32 PM   #6
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: The only way?

I am sorry NVD. I can't wait until you can get home.

Last edited by Sannah; 06-02-2007 at 12:33 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2007, 12:34 PM   #7
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72575 HB User
Re: The only way?

It sounds to me like you need a different doctor, one who understands that your meds aren't doing the job and can adjust the dose or medication as needed. I went from 20mg to 30mg of Lexapro and it made a world of difference. I don't know the issues in your past, but it never hurts to talk about them and get it off your chest.

Call a local church and ask for help. They will help you, I would almost bet the farm on it. Maybe they send a sweet little old lady over to watch the kids for half a day a few days a week, or line up some in-house help for you from a program... anything would help, right? You'll never get help if you don't seek it.

 
Old 06-03-2007, 12:08 AM   #8
NVD NVD is offline
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Re: The only way?

Quote:
I am sorry NVD. I can't wait until you can get home.
Thank you Sannah. I think going home will do some good. It's been a very
L-O-N-G, hard 12 days here. Unfortunately, the way it's looking, it's going to be a monthly occurance.



Quote:
It sounds to me like you need a different doctor, one who understands that your meds aren't doing the job and can adjust the dose or medication as needed. I went from 20mg to 30mg of Lexapro and it made a world of difference. I don't know the issues in your past, but it never hurts to talk about them and get it off your chest

Hmmm...I'm almost nervous to discuss meds around here. It seems the whole meds or no meds topic has really gotten to a lot of peoples nerves around here lately, on both sides, and I'm really not ready for any confrontation about it. While I really would like to avoid getting on the meds, I've realized that if something doesn't change, I will lose this battle, and I've accepted that. But is meds really going to help? Or if it helps, in which direction? Like I said earlier, I've tried many meds before. None seemed to work for me. The side affects were always hard. So not only did I feel the same emotionally most of the time, I also felt physically sick. I'd rather be emotionally ill than physically ill. So, I would discontinue taking the meds, but I would stalk pile them. I had a whole damn box filled with medications, antidepressants, anti-anxiety, sleep meds, etc...just waiting for the right time. Then I met my husband, and flushed them all down the toilet, so the urge wouldn't be there. Or at least if it was there, over-dosing wasn't such an easy option. Anyway, I've gotten off topic, but this is why I'm hesitant to start meds again. I know, strange, huh. BUT, again, I realize that in order for me to move forward with all this mess, something has to change. And if that means getting back on the meds, then I'm willing to try. I've discussed a portion of my past on this board, and have done plenty of "venting" on here, and I've talked with my current therapist on line, and with my past therapist on the phone a few times, just this last week. You'd think the load would be feeling lighter by now with all the talking and venting that I've done just in the short time I've been here, but it continues to get heavier and heavier.


Quote:
You'll never get help if you don't seek it.
Do I come off as just sitting around waiting for help to come galloping over the hill, to rescue me? I hope I don't come off as being this way. I have seeked help. I've seeked, and I've begged, and I've pleaded. I've even asked people who in any other frame of mind, would never ask. I've called churches. But since I'm not a "member" of the church, I'd have to come down and fill out an application for assistance. Since my van is somewhere right smack in the middle between here and home getting a new transmission built, I am getting around either by walking, taking the cab, shuttle or train. It's expensive, time consuming, and exhausting packing up the carseats, and carrying them around-plus the kids, because they can't be left in the cab/shuttle/train. I don't go anywhere, unless it's necessary, or we can walk. Going to fill out an application that we may or may not be accepted for, doesn't seem worth it.

Amber

 
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