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Old 06-02-2007, 01:11 PM   #1
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GoGauchos HB User
Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

Hi everyone,

I am a 22 y/o guy with such a loving family and everything in the world that I need in order to be happy, achieve success, find meaning, find peace....and I'm throwing it all away. Life is so painful, I am scared every day about my future and so many other things.

I started at a great four year University in the fall of 2003. I was a great student in high school and got into a bunch of top-tier schools, and eventually settled on my current school, which is both a solid academic institution as well as a huge party school. I am still enrolled here, it would be my be fourth year now, and almost all my college friends are graduating after this academic term (finals are week after next). I've acquired just under half of all the units I need to graduate (in other words, I've done less than two years work in four years). I am on academic contract at this point, meaning if I don't get a certain GPA this quarter I will be dismissed. I took about 6 months off a year and a half-ago, during which time I was hospitalized for horrible depression. I also went through substance abuse rehab, as I have definitely grossly abused both alcohol and marijuana. I went through the Alcoholics Anonymous experience for some months, but it wasn't ever something I felt I could relate to. In April of 2006, I returned to school - an academic year has come to pass and I am still destroying myself and my life. I'm so sad.....there are tears rolling down my face as I type this. My family loves me so much and wants the best for me, they break their backs to help me be happy and get my life back on track, but I'm so USELESS - I am so self-destructive...

I've been raised on antidepressants and therapy - diagnosed with ADD in third grade, started getting severely unhappy around eighth grade, taken Ritalin, Adderall, Lexapro, Wellbutrin and been prescribed numerous other psychotropic drugs - most recently I was on 80 mgs of Prozac and 150 mgs of Effexor - but over the last few months I have gradually cut the Effexor out completely and now take 60 mgs of Prozac daily. In a sense, I've turned a cold shoulder towards psychotherapy, as I really don't feel that it has ever helped me get out of anything - in fact my life is constantly getting more complicated and bleak.

I admit I need to quit the pot for good....it kills my motivation and contributes to emotional volatility. It has certainly taken away a lot from me so far. When I sober up all these horrible realizations crash upon me simultaneously and it is too much for me to handle. But I am so afraid about EVERYTHING.

I just want a normal, happy life. As I said, my friends are graduating, getting jobs, travelling to Europe over this summer, doing things, meeting people, having wonderful experiences - and here I am. I'm so scared and sad and confused. I am a very complicated person and I can go on here for pages upon pages....but I guess this will do for now.

To anyone and everyone who reaches a hand out to me....thank you. I need it so much. I want my life back....but it seems damn near impossible.

God Bless

 
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Old 06-02-2007, 03:37 PM   #2
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

For some reason I keep getting lost with your post. Are you abusing both marijuana and alcohol again? What was the reason for stopping the Effexor? Did it just stop working and why did you go to a lower dose of the other one? Was your depression lifting when you went through this med change? On a situational depression basis its pretty understanable why you feel this way all of your friends are going on to their new life and with the choices you have made are lagging behind. Very simple advice would be you have to get clean and stay that way. Antidepressants are a fickle sort but when you combine them with pot and alcohol chances are they will not work you might as well not take them. You said it over and over again you know what you need to do well its time to step up to the plate and do it.

take care
trg247
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Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
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Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 06-02-2007, 03:57 PM   #3
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planet jenn HB User
Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

I don't see you as someone throwing your life away. You are clinically depressed and that's extremely difficult to deal with while trying to build a life. i know what you are going thru. i've had to quit school because of depression, i even got kicked out of school because of depression. I finally got an associates but i've taken so many classes i should really have a bachelors. i tried school again to be a vet tech, something i thought i could do and do well, but had to drop out another failure to add to my list.

so, you are not alone. being a bit hypocritical you are not a failure!!!! i can relate too, about family and friends. i see them as being successful and living their lives. i feel like a loser.

do you see a therapist? they can teach you coping skills and help you take steps to get control again. take baby steps and start setting some small goals, as you get better, they can get bigger. definately ditch the dope. it is great you have such a supportive and loving family. so many don't have that. i really feel for you and hope you start feeling better soon. you can get better. take care of yourself, we are all here to help and support each other.

cheers, jenn

 
Old 06-02-2007, 04:45 PM   #4
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GoGauchos HB User
Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

thanks for ur responses so far guys! i have been checking this board all day for replies

trg, in response to your first question, yes, i have been continuing to abuse pot over the last year - alcohol too. and i live in a college town in southern california where both of those substances are RAMPANT - i drove home for this weekend to get away from that madness but my stomach already has butterflies about going back tomorrow for school on monday! i stopped taking the Effexor because I just hated being on two different antidepressants - but I weaned off of the Effexor with the help of a doctor, and it has been mostly problem free. I attribute my current depression to the state of my life, feeling miserable about how i managed to get myself here, and being scared s***less about how I'm going to turn everything around.

jenn, thanks for your support. are you around my age? just wondering....you seem to be. like i said, i've been to therapists for much of my life, and i agree, it's good to talk to them....but after all the time and money and hope that my family has placed thus far on psychotherapy, why am I still here? nothing has really helped in the long run. anyways, i'm glad i'm using this board. nice to meet u all.

Last edited by GoGauchos; 06-02-2007 at 04:46 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2007, 06:18 PM   #5
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

I hate to point out the obvious but if you keep abusing alcohol and weed your mind frame is not going to change. In order to fight depression you need every available tool. I don't like taking meds but I do because in the long run that is what saving me. I take Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium and Temazapam on a daily basis it is a lot of chemicals but you have to do whatever it takes. Sure alcohol and pot are everywhere but you still need to make that choice to buy and to use. It is nice to escape reality every now and then the problem is reality always waits

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 06-02-2007, 07:19 PM   #6
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marian100 HB User
Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

I have a 27 year old son that smokes pot and sometime in the last year took to drinking heavily. It is such a slippery slope. You didn't get where you are over night and you won't get out of it over night. It will take time and effort. A lot of effort. You need to take one step at a time. Both of these drugs are depressants. They will numb you for the time being and strip you of any motivation. Your problems will still be there. I hope you can clear you body and mind of these drugs. It might be uncomforable but until you do you won't know how much of your depression is from them or something else. God bless

 
Old 06-02-2007, 08:14 PM   #7
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even_sly HB User
Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

I miss drinking beer. I mean, I used to really enjoy a couple beers here and there. Unfortunately I felt so depressed the next day that I just couldn't do it anymore. When you're taking antidepressants and then using depressant drugs, it just doesn't mix. I think that's one thing that will help you. Just my 2 cents. I hope you start feeling good soon.
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:25 AM   #8
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Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

Just wanted to say I am kind of goign through the same sort of thing, I worked so hard to get into the uni in photogrpahy in the country (and one of the best in the world), and started for a normal student there to now one of the top ones, and then all of a sudden, I have gone down hill, and have not yet been able to get back up. Now I am at risk of failing this year, and so if thie happened I would have to take a year off almost by forced and go back after Easter next year. I sure cannot face this, and cant imagine how much depressed I could be if this happened. I am trying really hard to stop this happen, but sometimes a lot of things in life is not up to oneself. It's not that I am giving up or anything, althought there is a part of me telling me to give up totally, but I don't think I will. I know it's though, but this is just one of the small challenge we are given in a life time, I have been blaming a lot this is happening in such a bad timing, but I was told by some friends I am lucky that this is happening in such an early stage in my life (if this must happen at least once in my life), coz they said what if this happens when I become a busy and sufccessful photogaphers having few projects in hands? How would I be able to aford to take time off then? And I am sure once I have gone throught this, I would be even stronger (I am sure everyone will be).

About the drinking issue, I have been trying to stay away from it, and it workds most of the time. I think I understand the feeling, it sort of gives some instant good feeling, but what abt the next morning? Before taking the meds, I hardly ever get drunk, even if I did, I never actually get handover, but now even just a glass or two, I woudl get really bad headache the next day. I remember I only had 2 glasses of Gin and Tonic the other day, and I knew I shoudl not have taking my meds after that, but I did in the end for some stupid reasons. And I went bloody high for 2 whole days with a very depressing mind (dunno if it makes any sense). I couldn't stop laughing and started annying my friends like 3am. But on the other hand, I also could really stip harming myself and came up with many strange ways of killing myself. It was a lot of fun for me at that time when I was had no idea wht I was doing. But I am so glad now I didn't do anything too stupid and still alive.

Anyway, I shall shut up, coz I actually have no idea what am I saying since I am still half awake...

 
Old 06-03-2007, 07:52 PM   #9
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GoGauchos HB User
Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

Hey all,

Thanks for your kind words. I got back to the Univ. a couple hours ago - I'm now sitting in the library typing this. If only the girl typing right next to me knew what I doing.....lol.

I think it's time for me to cut out the weed. I got back to my apartment, and the first thing I did was give my bong away to one of my neighbors......

I've got a lot of things to sort out, and there is no way that's going to happen (it never has) if i continue to smoke weed.

This place is an isle of temptation. There was a student music festival playing at a park near my apartment just off campus an hour or so ago....I walked over and checked it out, all these kids dancing and laughing and having a great time....and what do you think was the first thing i smelled in the air as soon as I walked into the park? Yep. Herb EVERYWHERE. It's hard to avoid. I just hope that I really WANT my sobriety this time around.....no more excuses.

Anyways, this board is a great resource, and I hope to be a local here for some time to come.

It's funny how things are when your mood changes.....I read my initial post on this thread, and it's like I could READ the madness and desperation right off of my computer screen. I read this post.....and I see a glimmer of hope in my words.

I can only pray that such hope never diminishes in me.

 
Old 06-03-2007, 10:52 PM   #10
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Re: Somebody help me....anybody....I have too much to lose

hi, glad to hear your back at school. im 41 with hubby and 2 kids . i have rsd/crps that came about during my 4th cervical spine fusion . i have also been extremely depressed. i smoked pot when i was ur age and drank like a fish . wish i could handle the pot cause maybe it would help my pain . anyway, u are still very young and u will finish school when ur ready. if you need to take an extra yeear, seems like now is the time before you settle down with wife and kids. depression is very common in the usa nowadays so don't feel alone. i take 120mg of cymbalta everyday and it really helps me. when i stopped taking it in the past my son and hubby could tell because i became real bitchy. by the way, i just graduated last week with my associates in finance.(with a 3.8gpa.haha) .at 41 and i am proud of myself. don't be so hard on yourself. just know you are a great person and you will get it right when you are truly ready. believe in yourself. ..best of luck. i know you will suceed eventually. enjoy your youth because before you know what happened, it's over

 
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