Does this sound like depression or a midlife crisis?
I'm turning 40 this year and don't know if I'm really depressed or just being a spoiled brat about my age. While I have a good job, actually 2 jobs, I live very paycheck to paycheck and am in debt. The older I get, the less I seek social contact although I enjoy it when it happens and participate...but it's like most of the time I just choose to hide alone in my house. I hate leaving home and just want to be here with my pets. I haven't had a serious relationship in five years and I'm not over that one, which I know is ridiculous. I'm very unfocused still...I've mostly stuck to one field of work for the past ten years but I'm not that interested in it. I go because I have to. I feel like I am in jail and they let me out at night.
I don't really care about anything except my pets anymore. I am not suicidal, but I just don't care, i.e. if I found out I had something terminal I'd be fine with that. I feel like all the fun in my life is over and now I have nothing to look forward to except work, feeling and looking older and older, and having less and less energy. I kind of feel like I've done everything I wanted to do and I don't see why I have to keep plugging onward for no reason. It's not that I'm gloomy and mopey, I'm just more apathetic. I keep plugging away to take care of the pets, but that's pretty much the only reason.
I don't have any goals, which really bothers me. Aren't you always supposed to have goals? I can't think further than taking out the trash. I just sit around waiting for life to happen to me, but the funny thing is, nothing ever does happen to me. I just trudge through one week and then another and then another year and it's all pretty much the same.
I have a high IQ and I think I can pretty much already figure out why I have issues - my father abandoned the family when I was 3 and never made contact again and I was extremely unpopular as a child (though as an adult, I have a lot of friends). And of course I've had my longest relationship with someone who was just as incapable of emotion as my father, so there you go. Predictable.
I'm also bothered a lot by the fact that I'm not as successful as I think I should be, given my IQ and "potential." I'm a renter, I have an old crappy car. I'm bothered by the fact that I was never able to get really interested in a job and go to grad school and pursue it. I've just never cared. I used to care about my boyfriend, his kids and my pets and revolve my life around taking care of them and I absolutely loved it. Now everything is gone but the pets, so I feel a lack of purpose. It's not that I feel a lot of emotion or mood swings - it's that I feel nothing. Or numb. I'm perceived as very independent and competent, but constantly have thoughts like "I wish I'd get cancer so I didn't have to go to work anymore" and "I wish I were stupid so I'd be happier with what I have and not think so much." I have had a few relationships in the past few years but I wasn't capable of summoning up any real emotion for any of the guys, so I gave up.
Am I depressed or am I just having a midlife crisis? I was a very happy person 10 years ago but my whole life was different then - house, boyfriend, doing stuff I loved. But admittedly a lot of that life was possible because I still had family money at that point, which I blew through and now I feel like Grumpy going off to work every day and being the only one not singing "hi-ho." I know I made my own bed, and I know that most people's lives get less exciting as they get older, but why am I not adjusting? I just want to be 25 again and having a lot of fun, and instead I'm 40 and sitting home watching bad reality television.