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Old 06-03-2007, 10:14 PM   #1
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Help! Restless & Unhappy

This week I have been attempting to stop the habitual compulsion of living in the lives of my imaginary characters (see [url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?p=2813182#post2813182)[/url]. I spent all week living being aware of my existence and the making myself aware of my surroundings and trying to appreciate it.

But, it has only made me more sad and lonely. I no longer can enjoy things like shopping, listening to music and dancing nor writing. I fell of the wagon a few minutes ago and I was happy until I realized that I was slipping and looked around my empty, silent apartment and realized that it was just me here -- no one else.

I look in the mirror and I see a dowdy old looking woman. Not a 32 year old woman will hopes and dreams. I think of the time I wasted in my imaginary world. The time I could have spent going to parties and meeting people, but was afraid and chose to stayi in my imaginary world.

Also, during the week of my awareness, I have had mild panic attacks because I often think of my own mortality. Before, when I thought about dying, I would drift away as my imaginary character and all would be well. My mind would be at ease. Now, I scream, toss and turn and cry. Reality is awful. I absolutely hate it. Now, I see why people do drugs.

I guess I need a little pep talk right now to encourage me to keep going. Tell me what is beautiful or happy in this life. All I see are wealthy people moving into condos and poor people on the street and myself trying to figure out how I am going to find the time and money to work, go to grad school and pay my rent. I am also afraid for my old sister who is irresponsible, a gambler has high blood pressure, and does not have money to pay her rent or her plane ticket to visit. She is moving from her home with her husband who is moving to get away from his former friends who do drugs because he was starting to do them. I don't want her to end up like my father who died at 46 of a heart attack. She is my only sister and my only friend next to my mother. I am so sad right now. I'm sorry for the long posting.

 
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Old 06-03-2007, 10:46 PM   #2
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

CSense, I just read your earlier post and it reminds me a lot of myself. I also live my life always fantasizing. I am married, but I always have a fantasy in my head of being rich and famous, and I meet famous people and they are my friends. I am also a creative person (writing and acting). I know it's not real, but I have also experienced the depression of trying to rid myself of these fantasies. In the last year, my fantasies have actually involved real people, and they have caused me tremendous guilt because I felt that I was being unfaithful to my husband, so I quit fantasizing and now my OCD and depression are so bad. So I can relate.

Here's my pep talk to you-I am 34 so I understand feeling like you've dreamed your life away. But really, 32 is so young. You really do have your whole life ahead of you. I went back to school at 30 and got my bachelors and now I am in law school, so it is never too late for you to get your master's. You can get past this. I just started taking medication for my anxiety/OCD/depression and I am seeing a therapist. It's hard, but I'm going to beat this because I don't want to keep retreating into my dream world everytime I get depressed or anxious. I want to face it head on and you can too! By the way, do you have any pets? I have two dogs and I swear that they give me more comfort and love than anyone or anything else because they never judge-they are just there when I need some love.

We can both get past this and be happy. We deserve it!

 
Old 06-04-2007, 01:47 AM   #3
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

I started as a child in the imaginary world of me. There was so much pressure, stress, depression, fear, and bullying all around that it was the only place I felt that I fit in or could be happy. Sadly I didn't know then that not everyone does this stuff. I don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner. So for me if I am able to have time to take the trip to that world I can cope a bit longer and better in the real one. I know for me it is lack of coping skills that is part of the problem and the other is the inability to focus entirely on one thing for very long. Even the art of writing a letter is done in spasms rather then in a sitting. I also see that when on medication I tend to be more focused and don't jump to that world very often or as much. Without meds even the smallest amounts of stress cause huge problems.

So perhaps trying to replace the imaginary with other things might help make the transition better for you. Giving the mind busy work so it doesn't say hey wait we want to go off to the island for a dinner date with whomever kind of thing. If you fall or slip laugh and try again.

Eme

 
Old 06-04-2007, 06:19 AM   #4
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Hi CSense, if you have been in your imaginary world all of these years instead of investing in the real world I could see how the real world would be desolate and empty. Since you have not been investing there it is void. So if you just start building a life in the real world/investing in it, it will begin to become richer and more meaningful for you instead of feeling barren. You have to start somewhere. You are being very brave beginning all of these changes.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 08:35 AM   #5
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Thanks Sannah, ChanceFL and emeraldeyes114 for your encouragement. I was feeling very low last night and today I feel tired and unmotivated. I didn't get to sleep last night until midnight because I felt so hollow inside and scared.

ChanceFL, I feel very encouraged that you too are working through this. I too often experience very bad anxiety about death and talking to people. Yesterday, I tried to contact one relative or friend over the telephone to say hello, but I just could not do it. I pick up my phone book but I can't dial. I feel they will be upset with me because I have not called in so long. Sometimes, I think, they feel that I am selfish because I don't call, but I am just afraid because I can't think of anything to say when I talk to them.

Recently, I have also been experiencing some compulsive issues. Everyday, I have to make sure that my curling iron is unplugged and my door locked. If I have not checked, I worry about it. Most times, I am able to calm myself but sometimes I can't. A few weeks ago, I was driving my mother's car and I parked it in my building's parking lot to take the train to work. While at the train station (which is about 20 minutes from my home) I had a panic attack because I thought I left the car unlocked (I could not remember locking it and I usually check it twice before I leave). So, I took a cab all the way back home just to check to see if the car was locked--it was. I was 30 minutes late for work that day.

Also, I always scratch my scabs or pimples on my face and body because I can't stand to have protrusions on me. This of course causes scars. It starts when I touch them and then I become obsessed with peeling them off.

emeraldeyes114, I also have a short attention span that causes me to either get VERY frustrated or quit things easily. When I don't get something quickly, I am very emotional also I too can't take too much and it often upsets me when my mother makes fun of me because of it. She makes fun of the way I get up set and my voice shakes. It really pisses me off.

I have tried to use my creative thoughts in writing but often I freeze up. It's probably my attention span that is preventing me from doing more in my life.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 08:53 AM   #6
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

CSense, this sounds very cruel that your mother makes fun of you when you are upset. I wonder if she thinks that if she lightens the mood it will help or if she hates seeing/dealing with herself and others being upset? Have you ever talked to her about how you feel about this when she does this? Do you think this has something to do with how upset you get if you do not get something quickly?

If you are trying to make changes in your life (come out of your fantasy world) this could cause increased anxiety and some OCD.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 09:01 AM   #7
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

sannah, do you think that CSense's issues stem from deep anxiety? i do. anxiety causes compulsions (which i also have: i must check the door to make sure it's locked before i go to sleep at night, as well as the oven and stove, to make sure they're "off", even if i did not use the oven that day). i know it's due to my anxiety. what do you think?
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Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 06-04-2007 at 09:01 AM.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 09:06 AM   #8
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Dakota, my first thought is that it is just from making changes in her life but I have never had too much OCD so you have more experience with this than me. What do you think CSense? Have you always been a bit anxious?

 
Old 06-04-2007, 09:51 AM   #9
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Dakota_Skye, I experience this as well. The funny this is that this is recent. I have never have felt the need to constantly check on things like this before I went to sleep or left for work until this year. However, the scab thing has been all my life. I think this may be anxiety for I often have trouble going to sleep because I feel restless (which I mentioned earlier). Sometimes when I eat before I go to bed that helps, but then I just gain weight which I definitely don't want to do.

Sannah, I have not officially tried to talk to my mother about how some of her comments make me feel. I usually get upset when she does it and then feel bad afterwards for do so. Or she would say "what's wrong with you?" and I would just leave it alone. I hate that I am seen in my family as the "weak" one. The one who needs to be warned or checked on. My sister can go for days with her cellphone being cut off right now even though she is alone is Phoenix (irresponsible as listed earlier), but if I miss a call from her or my mother--they worry thinking that I have been kidnapped or killed myself or something. One day, after telling everyone that I was taking a practise test for business school, my sister called my cell several times (I had it turned off so I can have quiet). When I was done, my mother called and was all excited because I didn't answer her call. Needless to say I was upset, especially when I learned the only reason for the call was because once again she did not have money to pay her rent and they needed me to transfer funds through moneygram for her. I was so ******, I turned my phone off and went grocery shopping. It didn't help that I didn't do as well as I hoped on the practice test, but it was like no one cared about that -- my mother only cared that my cousin living with her for a week because she just got out of jail and was looking for an apartment and my sister who could not pay her rent. After I went to the store, I got a frantic call from my mom again because one of my cousin's tried to kill themself and the police had to take them away so she was worried about me because I was down because of my test; however, no one seemed to worry before.

Everytime, I talk about doing something like going to a party or nightclub or concert my sister warns me like i'm 15 years old or something to say "be careful what you're drinking". My mother just stopped calling me everyday to check on me last year after I snapped because she called me 3 times while I was doing my hair and didn't hear the phone ring. She would always turn it into making me at fault and remind me of the a news story of a recent murder as to the reason why she called me so much; however, she never called my sister like this at all who has been homeless at times.

I just don't understand why I am treated so differently. It has affected me to the point where I am afraid to do certain things because of what may happen or what my family will think. It has caused me to act immature, not take risks and fear relationships with men.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 10:35 AM   #10
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

usually get upset when she does it and then feel bad afterwards for do so. Or she would say "what's wrong with you?" and I would just leave it alone. I hate that I am seen in my family as the "weak" one. The one who needs to be warned or checked on

but if I miss a call from her or my mother--they worry thinking that I have been kidnapped or killed myself or something

Everytime, I talk about doing something like going to a party or nightclub or concert my sister warns me like i'm 15 years old or something to say "be careful what you're drinking". My mother just stopped calling me everyday to check on me last year after I snapped because she called me 3 times while I was doing my hair and didn't hear the phone ring. She would always turn it into making me at fault and remind me of the a news story of a recent murder as to the reason why she called me so much;


dear CSense--this is so much my story!!! my mother did (and still does every night) the same thing to me. she calls me nightly to see if i'm home "OK" and i'm in one piece. she worries when i don't hear the phone and therefore i don't pick it up. she worries when i take a nap and turn my phones off, and there were times when she actually sent my sister to my apt. to check on me!!! when she talks to me on the phone, there are times when she'll often tell me about how much she worries because of all the news stories out there about rape, murders, etc., in this big city of ours, and it would break her heart and she'd just die if something happened to me. this has been going on for a long time, ever since i moved out (i'm 36 by the way, and my sister is 31). she does the same thing to my sister. when she doesn't know where my sis is, she calls me and asks me about her. i usually tell her that she's out with her friends and that she's ok, and if she wants to know more about her she should call her cell. i don't know how much of this is real worry, and how much of this is something else, because this "worry" seems to be a bit over the top, if you know what i mean.

so i definitely know where you're coming from.

i even told my mother to relax and stop being so anxious about my whereabouts, because other than work and shopping and very minimal outings, i'm pretty much a homebody. yet, it keeps happening. i'm not even bothering about it anymore. i just say "yeah, yeah, yeah," and then the conversation is over in about a minute or less.

and by the way, from what you wrote so far, it does seem more and more that anxiety is the root cause of your problems here. and the fact that your mom does not understand causes the anxiety to increase. there was a time CSense where i used to actually tremble when my mother came near me (not because of any physical abuse--but bec. of the mental and psychological abuse which continued well into my 20's). i very much understand your plight.
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Old 06-04-2007, 10:49 AM   #11
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Csense, why does all of this keep happening? Because you allow it to. You could choose to talk to your mom and sister about these issues and put down boundaries.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 11:05 AM   #12
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jujubeez725 HB User
Lightbulb Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSense View Post
Dakota_Skye, I experience this as well. The funny this is that this is recent. I have never have felt the need to constantly check on things like this before I went to sleep or left for work until this year. However, the scab thing has been all my life. I think this may be anxiety for I often have trouble going to sleep because I feel restless (which I mentioned earlier). Sometimes when I eat before I go to bed that helps, but then I just gain weight which I definitely don't want to do.

Sannah, I have not officially tried to talk to my mother about how some of her comments make me feel. I usually get upset when she does it and then feel bad afterwards for do so. Or she would say "what's wrong with you?" and I would just leave it alone. I hate that I am seen in my family as the "weak" one. The one who needs to be warned or checked on. My sister can go for days with her cellphone being cut off right now even though she is alone is Phoenix (irresponsible as listed earlier), but if I miss a call from her or my mother--they worry thinking that I have been kidnapped or killed myself or something. One day, after telling everyone that I was taking a practise test for business school, my sister called my cell several times (I had it turned off so I can have quiet). When I was done, my mother called and was all excited because I didn't answer her call. Needless to say I was upset, especially when I learned the only reason for the call was because once again she did not have money to pay her rent and they needed me to transfer funds through moneygram for her. I was so ******, I turned my phone off and went grocery shopping. It didn't help that I didn't do as well as I hoped on the practice test, but it was like no one cared about that -- my mother only cared that my cousin living with her for a week because she just got out of jail and was looking for an apartment and my sister who could not pay her rent. After I went to the store, I got a frantic call from my mom again because one of my cousin's tried to kill themself and the police had to take them away so she was worried about me because I was down because of my test; however, no one seemed to worry before.

Everytime, I talk about doing something like going to a party or nightclub or concert my sister warns me like i'm 15 years old or something to say "be careful what you're drinking". My mother just stopped calling me everyday to check on me last year after I snapped because she called me 3 times while I was doing my hair and didn't hear the phone ring. She would always turn it into making me at fault and remind me of the a news story of a recent murder as to the reason why she called me so much; however, she never called my sister like this at all who has been homeless at times.

I just don't understand why I am treated so differently. It has affected me to the point where I am afraid to do certain things because of what may happen or what my family will think. It has caused me to act immature, not take risks and fear relationships with men.
WOW!

Your mom didn't know to stop "Mother Hen"-ing you.
Just like a hen sitting on her egg(s) until hatching time; only there didn't seem to be such a time when it came to you.

Parent's do have to let their children have a chance to be independent, or else they'll wind up smothering them. That makes a child afraid to venture out and just be able to learn about the things around them.

Now you have to take "baby steps".
You sound like you can take care of yourself; you sound like you're as careful as one can be.

Your mom just projected her fears onto you.
You don't have to keep living with HER fear. You can change this situation.

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-04-2007 at 11:08 AM.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 11:45 AM   #13
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Thanks everyone. The next time it happens I will lay some boundaries. Also, starting today, I will also do something I never did before--one step at a time. Starting with small things.

I did this before by traveling to Paris in 2001 alone and New York in 2004 which was great fun except for in Paris having my mom call me every day (not realizing the time difference). But that was okay there. I should continue to do that. The best fun I've had have been when I have done things on a whim. When I booked those trips, I just did it without talking to anyone (many who would have talked me out of it) and it went fine. Afterwards, everyone now says I should travel abroad because everyone hates Americans or something like that. They said so before the war and 9/11. I guess that's because no one in my family wants to leave the country and it's sad. My sister who is just 10 years younger said the only place she would go to is the bahamas or puerto rico no where across the atlantic (hey, not even Hawaii). I think alot of my problems stems from that I live in a family, social group that do not have the same interests as me so I feel afraid to express myself for fear of criticism. I guess it will take branching out to different social groups within my family and within the community to find people who have the same interests who are trustworthy and would enjoy my company.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:56 PM   #14
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSense View Post
Thanks everyone. The next time it happens I will lay some boundaries. Also, starting today, I will also do something I never did before--one step at a time. Starting with small things.

I did this before by traveling to Paris in 2001 alone and New York in 2004 which was great fun except for in Paris having my mom call me every day (not realizing the time difference). But that was okay there. I should continue to do that. The best fun I've had have been when I have done things on a whim. When I booked those trips, I just did it without talking to anyone (many who would have talked me out of it) and it went fine. Afterwards, everyone now says I should travel abroad because everyone hates Americans or something like that. They said so before the war and 9/11. I guess that's because no one in my family wants to leave the country and it's sad. My sister who is just 10 years younger said the only place she would go to is the bahamas or puerto rico no where across the atlantic (hey, not even Hawaii). I think alot of my problems stems from that I live in a family, social group that do not have the same interests as me so I feel afraid to express myself for fear of criticism. I guess it will take branching out to different social groups within my family and within the community to find people who have the same interests who are trustworthy and would enjoy my company.
I think alot my problems stems from that I live in a family, social group that do not have the same interest as me so I feel afraid to express myself for fear of criticism. I guess it will take branching out into different social groups within my family and within the community to find people who have the same interest who are trustworthy and would enjoy my company

DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!

So glad you've taken notice and you know what's going on!
Now you do just what you've said and take your trips yourself without announcing anything to anyone until you've made it to where you want go.

 
Old 06-05-2007, 01:00 PM   #15
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Re: Help! Restless & Unhappy

Oh, wow am I happy I found this thread. I don't have much advice, or any really. I am in sort of the same boat as far as fantacizing goes. I am a fantasy artist....lol. I have been meaning to post - haven't been on the boards for about 5 years or more, but then I found this post and I thought it was so relavent to me. I will post my own thread, because it will get winded. But just know that you are not alone in your feelings. I feel completely disconnected from everything in this world except my two sweet children. I am not sure if I am clinically depressed, but when I look at the symptoms of depression, it fits me perfectly - every single one except thoughts of suicide. I do think about death a LOT, just not about killing myself. I can't look at elderly people without almost a sick feeling in my stomach. I am lost. I have a great existence on this earth....but there is so much going on in my brain.....ruining it all. WEll, I have to post my own now, but I wish you luck and know that you are not alone in your feelings..

 
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