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Old 06-04-2007, 11:43 AM   #1
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Question...

some of you may know, some of you may not, but for the past few months i've had some trouble with my bf, and needless to say, it has added to my depressive and anxious feelings. the problem was that we've been together for 2 years this coming august, and there was no talk of the future except if i brought it up. he kept telling me that we should wait till i got just a "little bit better," seeing as i just started going to a new therapist--a real one, not my psychiatrist. ok. fine. however, underneath it all, i started thinking to myself that these words of his were just very poor excuses on his part. so i gave him until august to make up his mind about us and our future.

last week we had a conversation about "us" again, and he finally realized that i felt like we were stagnating. so he told me that what's the use of waiting another two months anyway. he said he loves me, we get along well, we spend most of our free time together, we cook together, go shopping together, etc. he even said he had picked out a ring, back in pennsylvania, when he went there on his numerous trips for work conferences and when he went to see his mother (he's originally from there). he basically shocked me. so, from having cried my head off the previous day, i was actually pretty happy the day he told me this. however, since he broke this news to me (he also told me he told his mother, and she said she thought it was about time), i've been feeling extremely anxious and very, very sad. friday and saturday while i was at work i felt like i was in complete hell. i know this is NOT a normal reaction to such "good" news. i don't think I AM NORMAL!!! something is hugely wrong with me. i am truly scared of myself here.


i was thinking to myself that i don't know how to react to this kind of situation because i never expected this to happen. it never happened with the other bf's i had, and since i thought he was making all these excuses with me waiting to get better, he'd never really do it--get engaged, that is. so now that he's talking about engagements and things like this, i have no idea how to behave. i don't know what to feel. i don't want people to know. i told my sister, and she thinks i'm weird and strange and not normal for wanting to keep things so private. why am i so afraid of this? what is going on with me? i don't believe i'm afraid of committment. this is what i wanted my whole life!!!!!!!! i've wanted someone to be with, someone to lean on and someone to lean on me; someone to build a life with and to have a child with someday. i was alwasy scared of getting too old and staying an old maid.... now i'm scared of all of this. i don't get it and i don't get myself. i hate it and i'm starting to hate myself for my stupidity and idiocy. am i really beyond help here? (i can't see my therapist this wed. bec. they just changed the freakin' insurances, and i'm in limbo for a while). i just cannot shake this horrible feeling of fear.
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Old 06-04-2007, 11:49 AM   #2
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Re: Question...

Dakota, you have been holding all of this in! When I was dating my husband he told me that he loved me for the first time. What was my reaction - FEAR! He saw my face and was so upset. I explained it all to him and then he felt better. My fear was intimacy.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:06 PM   #3
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Re: Question...

sannah, thanks for replying,as always!!!

but other guys have told me that they loved me. yet i felt no fear or any kind of negative emotions (definitely NOT Depression or anxiety because of it!!!).

see, the thing is (and my sister can't get this either), that he still wants to keep his apt. across the st.--granted, he's got an awful lot of books, walls with shelves lined up to the ceiling, and his own furniture, and bed, etc., and my apt. is a one bedroom, just like his, and mine is also pretty full, but why would he still want to pay his rent there ($950 a month), and i should continue and pay my mortgage and maintenance here? he said he's going to move some things here, as much as can fit, some clothes, and maybe a desk where he can do his research and stuff. for me, that's not "living together." i'm very much willing to compromise, but didn't he hear of storage???

is this his way of leaving a door open in case things do not work our with us? is this what i am really fearing underneath it all, and it comes out in my anxiety and deep sadness, and unwillingness to tell others about our so-called soon-to-be engagement???

p.s. and you're so right. i HAVE been holding this damn thing in for a while now.
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Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 06-04-2007 at 12:06 PM.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:09 PM   #4
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Thumbs up Re: Question...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota_Skye View Post
some of you may know, some of you may not, but for the past few months i've had some trouble with my bf, and needless to say, it has added to my depressive and anxious feelings. the problem was that we've been together for 2 years this coming august, and there was no talk of the future except if i brought it up. he kept telling me that we should wait till i got just a "little bit better," seeing as i just started going to a new therapist--a real one, not my psychiatrist. ok. fine. however, underneath it all, i started thinking to myself that these words of his were just very poor excuses on his part. so i gave him until august to make up his mind about us and our future.

last week we had a conversation about "us" again, and he finally realized that i felt like we were stagnating. so he told me that what's the use of waiting another two months anyway. he said he loves me, we get along well, we spend most of our free time together, we cook together, go shopping together, etc. he even said he had picked out a ring, back in pennsylvania, when he went there on his numerous trips for work conferences and when he went to see his mother (he's originally from there). he basically shocked me. so, from having cried my head off the previous day, i was actually pretty happy the day he told me this. however, since he broke this news to me (he also told me he told his mother, and she said she thought it was about time), i've been feeling extremely anxious and very, very sad. friday and saturday while i was at work i felt like i was in complete hell. i know this is NOT a normal reaction to such "good" news. i don't think I AM NORMAL!!! something is hugely wrong with me. i am truly scared of myself here.


i was thinking to myself that i don't know how to react to this kind of situation because i never expected this to happen. it never happened with the other bf's i had, and since i thought he was making all these excuses with me waiting to get better, he'd never really do it--get engaged, that is. so now that he's talking about engagements and things like this, i have no idea how to behave. i don't know what to feel. i don't want people to know. i told my sister, and she thinks i'm weird and strange and not normal for wanting to keep things so private. why am i so afraid of this? what is going on with me? i don't believe i'm afraid of committment. this is what i wanted my whole life!!!!!!!! i've wanted someone to be with, someone to lean on and someone to lean on me; someone to build a life with and to have a child with someday. i was alwasy scared of getting too old and staying an old maid.... now i'm scared of all of this. i don't get it and i don't get myself. i hate it and i'm starting to hate myself for my stupidity and idiocy. am i really beyond help here? (i can't see my therapist this wed. bec. they just changed the freakin' insurances, and i'm in limbo for a while). i just cannot shake this horrible feeling of fear.
Well this is wonderful news, Dakota!
I mean, not you feeling like you're not "normal" ... there is no "normal" way to feel! I mean, you're shocked, excited, thrilled, suprised -- now you don't how to act anymore!

It's so funny... and it's NOT JUST YOU!! When you've asked and asked about you and your b/f's relationship and he kept saying "when you're better" and all this and that, you figured nothing more was going to happen.

Now that it looks like it's coming together you do what -- FREEZE-- and get anxious!
Now you feel fear.
I'm sure you 2 will go house hunting at some point; but what's wrong w/not saying anything until you actually have the ring? Maybe somebody's gonna throw a surprise engagement party; maybe he's trying to gather everyone up at one time to tell them the news-- you never know.

LOL I remember when my husband proposed to me -- it was something special! I was tickled and excited and thrilled He's the real thing! But don't be afraid, Dakota. If your b/f has been your friend, your pal --there's nothing to be worried about. You just have to come up w/the date and the type of wedding you want--stuff like that. But otherwise, WOW, what a way to go!

Holding out on us, eh?????

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-04-2007 at 12:14 PM.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:18 PM   #5
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Re: Question...

thanks juju, you're so sweet, but i can't even think of tomorrow, let alone the date or or type of wedding...my god!!
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Old 06-04-2007, 12:18 PM   #6
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Re: Question...

Dakota, have you told him that you feel that he is keeping his apt. as another option if things go bad? Are apts still hard to get in NYC?

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:29 PM   #7
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Re: Question...

i didn't even have time to say anything more sannah. i was too dumbfounded by this. and yes, he got lucky with this apt. bec. it's relatively cheap compared to others. plus it's also relatively close to the univ. he teaches at. i know he will not move very easily out of there if he got the chance. if "we" were to move somewhere with more space, i'd have to sell my apt. (but i want to wait and make a bit more money on it first), but we'd still be looking around this same area, since being close to the school is really important to him.

why am i making a big deal out of this anyway? i mean it didn't even come to pass yet.

he said that when we're going to his mom's for july 4th, that's when he'll get the ring and all. well, his cousin and his cousin's wife plus their three kids will be there, and i just don't want to talk about this thing with those people for some reason. his cousin's wife has a big mouth and i don't like being asked questions and having her act all interested and crap, when i know she's not. i know this because i've seen her before (for christmas), and she's ..whatever...

maybe it is truly me who's the idiot around here.
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Old 06-04-2007, 12:37 PM   #8
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Re: Question...

Dakota, first of all, congrats! And second of all no matter how you respond it is normal for you and, therefore, "normal". How we respond is the only way that we can for heaven's sake, we just need to understand it and this can be understood Dakota! You are not making a big deal out of it, you are just responding to it and you have every right to respond to it in your own way. So are you going to talk with him more about this?

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:42 PM   #9
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Re: Question...

Congratulations! This is an exciting time for you and I hope that you can feel better so that you can enjoy it. Have you set a date yet? If not, you both have time to ponder over the living arrangements.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:47 PM   #10
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Re: Question...

thanks sannah! you know i value what you say!!

so i'm not crazy or weird then? i'm not as loony as i feel

yes, i plan to talk with him about it some more. but i know he'll keep saying there's nothing to worry about, he'll try to allay my anxieties. i just have to keep thinking "good thoughts." that's all. good thoughts. good thoughts. no fear, no fear. no fear.
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Old 06-04-2007, 12:52 PM   #11
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Re: Question...

oh CSence--i truly feel like you guys are my family!!!!!!!!!!

thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything and for all your kind and generous words!!!

you guys mean so much to me, even though i don't even know you.

i feel like giving you all a big hug right now. you guys bring tears to my eyes. not even my mother makes me feel this way.

guys, this community right here is one that i've never experienced before in my life. i just wish it existed in real life, and that the hurts and disagreements we may cause one another can be solved as quickly in real life as they are on these boards here.

you are all so dear to me.

may you ALL be blessed with life's best, and may your lives be meaningful, content, and peaceful

from my heart,

dakota
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-04-2007, 12:53 PM   #12
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Re: Question...

Dakota, I never thought that I was crazy when I would have my "different" responses to things so please just accept that you are reacting because of how you feel and that this is fine! You must trust your gut and your feelings and work with them. Just keep communicating and listening to how you feel and then working to understand how you feel. Please keep this posting up everyday, okay? You respond/react/feel a certain way because of who you are and you are a wonderful person who should never feel that you are bad or crazy!

 
Old 06-04-2007, 02:44 PM   #13
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Re: Question...

HUGE, HUGE CONGRATS, Dakota! This is so exciting...yet scary. It's a lot of emotions for our minds to comprehend...especially all at once. When we've already set it in our minds that our current life is the way life will probably always be, it takes time to make the adjustment when things go astray from that plan, whether it be good or bad. For me, the same goes when I found out I was pregnant--each time. It's something that I longed for, something that I dreamed about, and yet when those positive lines came up...I panicked. In the back of my mind, I was probably happier than I had ever been...yet, scared as hell, and defenitely felt like I needed my therapist, and one bottle of wine wouldn't have done it for me. (Couldn't drink though, since afterall, it was a positive test!!) Anyway, I think even people who are as emotionally stable as can be would still have some type of reaction; so I think those of us who are dealing with emotional issues, I think our minds just go into overdrive, trying to comprehend one detail at a time...and that's hard!!
I hope you get past the "fear" part of the changes, and quickly get to the happy and exciting part of it!!
Congrats again...I'm happy for you both!
Amber

 
Old 06-05-2007, 04:21 AM   #14
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Re: Question...

dear amber,

thank you, thank you, thank you.

i love you like a sister!!! i wrote you a post on your thread. you are a great and wonderful soul!!!!!
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Old 06-05-2007, 08:50 AM   #15
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Re: Question...

Dakota, a huge CONGRATULATIONS to you and your FIANCE!!!!!

You are NOT an idiot, or weird, or abnormal. Just as Sannah said, this is the was you're responding and this is normal for you, so you ARE normal, okay?

It really sounds like this guy is "the one" compared to your other boyfriends, so this time you are really scared and anxious as opposed to the other times you weren't. Are you feeling like you talked him into it, like he's doing it just for you? Or do you feel that the success of this relationship weighs heavily on whether you'll get better, that if it doesn't go through then it's your fault somehow? Please don't feel this. First of all, he was looking at rings before you two had this talk. He made his own independent decision to spend the rest of his life with you. And secondly, marriage weathers the good and bad. So whether you get better or not, he'll still love you just the way you are. And if you find that my suggestions don't really apply, then maybe you're just truly happy and you don't know how to feel this since you've never felt this way before?

I hope you are feeling better today and a little more comfortable with being a BRIDE-TO-BE!! Hugs to you.

 
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