My dealest Cyber Mum, I am losing it againm, it's my bloody job in hall again. I had been feeling a bit better and had been able to just abt control myself and my emotions. But today, one of my colleagues used a very nasty manner to give me orders of what to do. I really don't want to go it details about this, bcoz it's too complicated. I really don't understand, it seems like all the hard work I have done and the good image I have been building over the past 18 or so months has been totally ruined bocz of a tiny not quite right thing I have doen last week (which was the day when I was really sick and could go to work). I guess my question is what is wrong with the way I have been dealing with people? Is there something wrong with being a nice person? We probably talked about this billions of time, but I still don't get it. And I don't understand why are they all going against me? Is it because I am a nice person? So I dont deserve anything good? Or is it because I have always been fit and happy, so I am not allowed to be low and not wanting to deal with people?
I don't know what am I taking about, my head is spinning, I really don't know what will I do tonight, I just cant take control of myself. The ironic thing is, I had a very good day today, I was able to pick up my camera again over the weekend, and I was able to print in the darkroom for a couple of hours almost without feeling anxious... I don't know, it's all too much, I don't wanna deal with these anymore...
I know this is for Mother Sannah, but just so that you're encourage for the moment...
It's not YOU.
People are people and they will act ugly, nasty, mean, cruel.... it's not your fault.
They may very well be jealous of you; someone could have spouted off some silly lies--anything could be the case.
Don't change and feel bad because they're treating YOU wrong. It's not your fault. You continue to be YOURSELF and act as you always have.
Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-04-2007 at 12:23 PM.
Dearest CDE, sounds like you have been doing really good - THIS IS GREAT!
So you have a little challenge here, ALL IS NOT LOST. It will be okay and you can problem solve this and settle it in your own mind. Darling, it would help me to understand if I knew the whole story.
Basically, I was really sick last Tues and I was supposed to cover the reception that eve, but coz I was felling all dizzy and stuff, so I called them about 3 hours before I was supposed to start my shift to say I can'e do it. They were so nasty to me and told me I shoudl have told them way in advanced an stuff, but how am I supposed to be when would I be ill? But anyway, they in end end managed to find someone to do my shift, I mean even if the couldnt, it wasnt really my problem, the management had to sort the probelm, not me. So then the person who coverd for me wanted me to do her shift this wed, and I said I cant, because I had college and stuff. I am normally not available on Weds anyway. So today she called me using a very very nasty manner and told me I have to do either this Wed or next Wed for her, coz I owe her a favour. I mean she didnt have to do my shift last week at all, coz I didnt ask me to do it, and to be honest, that was a sick leave, not really a swap. And also, since it's a wweek ahead, I really dont know if I could do next wed or not, so I said I need to hand on to that (I didn't say no, but so was pushing me a lot). She told me I am being selfish, and not wanting to swap with anyone, and how bad I have been bcoz I never say yes to them when they need covrage, which is a totally ********. And she told me how much they have done for me in the past, and if i carry on like this, nobody would ever wanna swap with me in the future.... (she then carried on for a good few minutes about the same stuff). So I asked her, have I even done any of you guys anything and not ask for anything in return? She said "I DON'T KNOW". and I am telling you the answer is I have been doing a lot behind their back FOR THEM to remain a good image for us as a team, and never ask for any credit. So then now they all think I am being totally selfish and all I think about is myself rather than the team. And this person today is just oen example out of a millions, I have been teeling myself just to igonre them and be myself, do my just etc, but today, I have reached my limit again, my final bottom line... I spoke to my manager earlier this week, he is totally useless, he basially told me he is happy with us as a team, and now I am taking all the bleam again. I don't understand, people never remember you when you have done sth good, they would only remember bad things you have done, is the reality really that ugly?
CDE, the management is dysfunctional there and it causes problems all the way down. The management probably told her that it was a switch just to get coverage for the reception. Please do not take this personally. She is probably just saying whatever she can think of to get you to do what she wants you to do. In dysfunctional environments people get manipulative to get their needs met. Please just see this for what it is and not that it is your problem or anything to do with you.
I guess I am not really annoyed by this one ocassion, I am annoyed by the whole team and the whole year. And I just can't turn the conrner at the moment. And I think my big question is why dont I deserve something good considering I have been doing thigns for their good.
So what do I do then? I cant just leave the job, if I leave the job, I have to move out as well, and right now, I have just got far too much to handle, and I dont really have the energy to look for somewhere to move to. I suppose I could move to Mr.A's for a bit, but he might be moving back to his dad's soon, so I don't wanna complicate the situation. And also, the deal that the job offer is really good apart from the management, so I dont know if I can afford to just leave it. I am now only paying £22 ($40ish?) a week all inclusive for working for them for doing nearlt nothing in terms of the actual duties, if I move out, I would have to pay about at least £100 a week to get a decent room in London and it would be in now as good location as where I am now, it's a lot of money and considerations here, this is why I have been hanging on this.
CDE, I think that dysfunctional environments can be dealt with as long as you understand what is going on and don't take it personally. You know that management is a mess and they don't do things the right way they do things the easy way for them.
Sannah my dear CyberMum, I had been doing what you are telling me here, I had never taken things too personally or be bothered as much until recently, coz they have been doing a lot of things towards me on a personal level, I al glad I am still trusted by my manager, but obviously the level of trust has gone down. I can tell from the conversations we have had recently. Bcoz I have been told by the receptionist, who is the only person I get on with and like in the entire company, he told me they have been reporting my "bad"(according to them) behavior directly to my manager. I think the only thing I have been doing wrong is that I have never reported any real bad behavior they have had in the past to anyone, apart vent it to the receptionist. Bcoz I really see them as a team, and I dont see the point of reporting other team members to the management if the team can sort things out amoung the members. I think it's really childish to keeping repeorting each other, This is the way I see it anyway, but obviously it doesnt work in this particalar environment, and I think I have found this out far too late. Anyway, I really cant calm down, I really don't know what to do... and I don't want to harm myself again, it's not worth it, but I am losing control, I am now using my final bit of control, don't when would that run out. I am scared... I really am...
Sorry to just went off all of a suddent, coz I had to go see someone who I knew woul dbe abel to sort sth out for me. He is a manager of another hall who live next to our building (dont ask me why, I think this is really strange, but anyway.). I had a long chat with him, and he gave me a few suggestions of wht to do, and also I think I would probably go to his building next year and work for hom instead. This was actually the plan for this year, but bcoz fo the location, I decided to stay. But I think I will take up his offer for next year, coz he is a much beter manager, and the way the building is ran over there is much much better, I just love him as a friend, and I am sure I would be happier to work for him, don't know about the team, but I think no team in this world can get worse than the one I have now. But again, the location of that hall is a bit sucks, not that far from my uni, about 30mins on the bus compare to now 10 mins walk, but the area as a whole is not as safe as where I am now, but having sid that, it's more lively. Anyway, I have still got a couple of week to think about it. But I am glad I went to him before i lost my control totally. And now I feel a lot better. I promise, I will try my best to not do anything silly again.
Hi , just quickly pop in and say hi really. It was horrible this morning when I went downstair to return the duty mobile, the way the deputy manager (the one who gets on the stupid ***** who doesnt nothing) looked at me, as if I killed her son or something. I cant stop thinking about it for the whole day, coz I think it was a bit too personal, but it's alright, I can live with it. I have given up on them. I am writing the complaint letter tonight.
My day has been fine so far, was in the darkroom for a good few hours and got a few good prints done. I was still really slow and unable to make proper decent judgements, but it was a step closer to the normal me, although it was very little, but better than nothing.
My CyberMum, I am going have to find a way to post you one of my prints in the near future as a thank you, and you dont have a choice, you have to have it.... yes, I am forcing you, kekeke...
It's gonna be rocking tonite, it's the final year show's opening, it's going be good. I will try not to get too drunk and try to enjoy myself as much as I can. Finger cross I won't get too anxiuos coz of the amount of people there, coz it's probably gonna be a final day when everyone will be around, and I really hope my mind and my body would just let me be "myself" for tonight.
Dearest Cyberdaughter, I am so happy that you are back to work. Change is gradual and you are on your way! I am really proud of you, how you problem solved. Have a good time tonight. I wish I could be there with you! Just imagine me walking in tonight and seeing your work and being really proud of you for your accomplishments!
nonono, You have got it slightly wrong here, it's not my show tonite (I wish it was, but a bit too early for me), it's the 3rd year, but exactly this time next year, you are invited to my show.
Anyway. got to go and help them set things up. You have a good day and I will catch you later.
Sannah Sannah, my dearest CyberMum, you are going to have to say WELL DONE to me and give me a big big hug on what I have I just done or what I am going to do. I have just written a letter with all the concerns I have been having towards my team, and I have sent it to my possible future boss (the very nice and objective one) to check and beautify it for me. Then I will give it to my current boss, it's 5 pages long... I cant believe I actually did it, what a big step... I could show you if you want... I am feeling much better now, dont know how long this feeling would last, coz my chest pain doesnt seem to go away, but anyway, I am happy overall.
The opening went really well, I didn't really enjoy it fully coz I did feel quite anxious, so I had to keep walking up and down, in and out to sort of keep myself busy, but yeah, that was a good evening. Oh dear, I have a feeling the normal me might be coming back soon. Cant wait for that...
Hello, how are you today?? My dear CyberMum? Hope you are well... I just got back from Mr. A, we went for a photo shoot with my normal gear, I mean the proper proper gear. I was sooooooo scared to set it up, and I was kind of all the way through, and I had to get Mr.A to check everything for me, I felt like a loser to be honest, but let he be the hero... Men like it, don't they?
Today has been kind of fine, has been up and down qutie a bit, and I think I am certainly going to leave my job sooner than I thought I would, I cant stand them anymore, they were annoying me again today, now it really has gone to a personal level... they really are driving me nuts... Mr.A told me to just take it easy, and dont think about it, but you know, it's hard not to think about it, the more I tell myself to let it go, the more it stays in my mind, and it's really causing all my anxiety and negative thoughts. I have even been thinking about how to beat them up, and I think I have mentioned to my frd once I wish I had a gun and shoot them all... I wont do it, coz I have no idea where to get a gun in England, but it would be good, problem solved...
Anyway, lovely doctor appointment again tomorrow, I am really getting tired of all these appointments....
