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Old 06-04-2007, 09:38 PM   #1
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Not coping well...

It is our life, right? Shouldn't we have a choice when to live, and when to stop living?? Who's to tell us that we are wrong when we have reached as far as we can, and can no longer tollerate the pain? Who's to tell us that we are weak, or making a poor decision when we can no longer bear the pain? Is living in pain, and sadness a better decision? When an animal is hurt or suffering, it get's put to sleep-it's considered the humane thing to do. Why is it wrong for us to end our pain and suffering? Why is it not our "right" to just say "enough, I've fought the fight, and I've lost". Are we really only here to keep others happy? Because if that wasn't the case, it seems that maybe putting an end to our own pain and suffering wouldn't be such a bad thing. We stick around, we do whatever we have to do to endure and get through the pain, only to keep others happy?? Is it really right to live our lives this way????
I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of having to fight the urges that overwhelm my entire thought process. Today has been one of those days. One of those days that life has looked me in the face, and just urged me to make that final jump. It's pushed, and it's pushed, and it's pushed. Sannah, you told me before that I need to hold on because my kids need me. But really, I'm not here now. I'm not the mom they once knew. I can barely take care of them. I avoid them. I get angry with them for no reason. I say mean things to them. I find that I'm pulling away from them...and I'm not exactly sure why. I'm not their mom. Not the mom that they are used to. I'm not the wife my husband once knew. I can't meet his expectations or fulfill his needs. I realized today that, yes, while I miss my husband and other daughter, I really don't know if I want to go back home. I'm not ready for the added stress, and I'm not ready to meet the needs of my husband, and yet another kid, and the animals, and the house work, and the bills, and everything else that will return when I get home. And I wonder, are they really ready for me? Are they ready for the emotional chaos, and the continuous crying, and the anger, and the anxiety and desperation and fear that comes along with having me back home? And when I get there, what other type of emotions are going to flood to the surface, since I will again be back in range of *****? Will I really be able to function with the added stress? Will I be able to hold on, and fight, and work my way through the pain??? Or will the pain continue to eat at me till there is absolutely nothing left?
I'm desperate right now. A very, thin thread connects me to this world, and it's getting thinner and thinner. My mind is going a million miles per minute, circulating with thoughts-horrible, unsettling thoughts. I've lost control today. I've blown up on my kids again, on the lady who came and complained again that my baby was crying too much, on my husband. I DO NOT feel in control. I've already cut twice tonight. But you know, the release is so short lived anymore, that it really doesn't make a difference. I can't keep doing this. I can't continue down this road. I need a way off. I need a way out. I don't care how, I just need another way. I need the pain and the sadness and the anger, and the hell that comes along with it to go away.
...Sigh...

 
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Old 06-04-2007, 10:15 PM   #2
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Re: Not coping well...

I know in this life we cannot hold on for others but in the hope that we will find a way to do it for ourselves. Perhaps some of the anger is that you are trying so very hard for everyone else that is eating into you! Yes your kids and hubby need you so very badly but they most definetly don't want you to hurt or feel this way. Children often know that something is wrong even if they might not know per say exactly what it is. They often will do anything to help Mom and to get her attention. In their way they are saying Mom we love you please see us and remember we need you.

The decision on whether ending a life is preferable versus trying harder and doing other things is a personal choice. I don't think a human life is more worthy then a dog or a cat. I think in the end they are equal and of great value. I often have wondered the very things that you have mentioned though I never gave air to them nor tried to. I think in the end the answer for me at least was too uncomfortable and painful a thing to want to know. You however show courage in the fearless act of asking what many have thought. However the end or death is a perm thing so far as I know. I think that is part of the reason many choose to stay is that what if tomorrow is better? or what if this or that? and all the things they would miss like kids having their first date, going to prom, learning to drive, graduating, getting married, having thier first child, and all the love and laughter those priceless years bring.

I am almost forty now and the differences of when I was younger versus now are amazing. As a teenager the depression was something that I didn't think I would get past or live through but I did and have teenage son myself. It took a long time for me to see how things were getting better and so forth.

Stay around not just for them but also for yourself. It can get better even if doesn't right away or feel like it ever will. There are people you probably will never meet and some that you have (family on the ones you know or friends) who do need you. We often times help many even when we are not aware of it and i do believe we are all a valuable asset in life. Our value is not just what we offer the world or those we meet whether an email, a smile, or just some small kindness...but those we might offer compassion to in their darkest hours. I wish I could give more then just an email such as this on a board but a real shoulder or ear to you. I hope you will do something for you to help you find some light in this dark tunnel you are so lost in.

I am sorry the post is lengthy and not as together as I had hoped. Take care of you.

Eme

 
Old 06-04-2007, 10:22 PM   #3
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Re: Not coping well...

It is obvious that you are suffering. What is not obvious, to me, is what is causing it.

So, tell me, what is causing it?

Is it the stress of taking care of your children? Is your husband putting you through some sort of guilt or added stress?

You have made your case quite clear that you are totally miserable. What you need to do now is narrow down why you are miserable. No one can even start to help you, much less understand you, if they (and you) aren't clear on what the problem is.
Do you even know what it is, or are you just sad and lost because -- just because?

The bottom line here is, from what I have been reading from you, that you need to get some help soon. Like yesterday. Don't don't do this to your kids. They don't deserve it.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you have an obligation to fulfill in the form of taking care of your children now. Even if you don't want to, you really have to. It just isn't fair to them, not to mention cruel, for you to neglect them. I understand that you are in serious emotional pain and it isn't easy, believe me, I do.

I'll give you my honest to God advice. What you do with it is up to you, but I think you are not in control anymore and you need to hand over the keys, so to speak.

Check in to a hospital. Do it tonight, or do it tomorrow, but just do it. Take your kids with you and they will have to help you out with them, too. They can't just turn you away in your state, and any nurse or doctor with half a heart is going to do the right thing for your kids at that time. They will get them some care while you work through this. The absoulte worst thing you could do to your children right now, or ever, is abandon them and I know you know what I mean when I say that.
You're at a place in your life where you can't do it alone and it's time to get some help. From reading your posts, if you're being honest and I believe you are, you have no other choice.

What State are you in right now? I can help you look for the right place to go and research some places to help with the kids, if you'd like.

 
Old 06-04-2007, 11:24 PM   #4
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Re: Not coping well...

Quote:
What is not obvious, to me, is what is causing it.
I have posted about so many different things that I feel have put me in this position. There is so, so much.
72575, I have been knowingly suffering from this depression for well over ten years now. This isn't something that just suddenly came on. It waxes and wanes, but this last month, maybe more, has been exhausting. It's been continuous, and consistantly getting worse, as lifes circumstances have gotten harder.

So, a brief recap of some of the things that I've gone through, and some of the things that are affecting me in such a hard way, today.

Was repeatedly raped as a child and a teen, by a family friend. Moved out of families home at the age of 14 to get away from the creep, yet, he still manages to show up in places of my life. The man whom I have been spending the majority of my life running and hiding from, the man whom I moved nearly 4000 miles away from, now lives about 45 minutes away-AGAIN. PTSD sets in hard.
Very close friend who suffered from Manic Depression comitted suicide after I failed to attend a "Girls Night Out". While I realize that this is not my fault, and if she really wanted to, she would have ended it regardless. But it still sits heavy with me...especially around this time of the year. (Anniversary's and birthdays)
While in the beginning, I was so angry with her, I completely understand her pain now.
Met husband, and had baby #1. Born full term, perfectly healthy. Stopped breathing at two months, and was diagnosed as having severe type 1 Acid reflux, that was causing aspiration. Had first surgery in August of 2002, at the age of three months. Should have been a one time surgery, but due to doctors mistake, she is now facing her ninth surgery. It has been a near constant struggle, and we've traveled all over the west coast for Drs.
Pregnancy #2. Spent 4.5 months on bedrest due to severe hypermesis gravidarum, only to lose the baby. The same day I had surgery to finish the pregnancy, my daughter was back in the hospital for her third emergency surgery.
Baby #2. Born nine weeks early, spent 2.5 weeks in the NICU. Came home with sensory integration. Screamed at the top of her lungs unconsolably for 6-8 hours straight each day for five months. PPD set in hard. At 8 months, started having some symptoms that were similar to those symptoms of Luekemia. Had daily blood draws for months, but tested out negative for Leukemia.
Baby #3. Born seven weeks early, and spent two weeks in the NICU. During this pregnancy, Daughter #1 was also diagnosed as having a benign brain tumor.
Daughter number 1 is now having more medical issues, and more complex than what was originally thought. Daughter number two is also being tested for Leukemia again, because of her recent skyrocketing jump in blood levels again, and has also recently started these new collapsing episodes, that they believe are related to seizures.
I'm a complete insomniac. I'm averaging about 14-16 hours of broken sleep per week. It's just not cutting it.
You see, this is only some of the issues that I'm trying to work through. These are the things that jump out at me when asked what I'm trying to deal with, or trying to work through. To fill in all the cracks and spaces, would probably just be a waste of time. Lets see, My home burned down, I've witnessed cold blood murders, I've been in school shootings, I've been robbed at gun point, I've seen people get hit by cars, I've had to help deliver a still born baby. I don't want this to be a pitty me post. You asked me what was bothering me...do you still want to know more??

Life has been hard. And mean, and cruel. I believe we are all here for a purpose, but I'm really having a hard time figuring out my purpose. I love my husband and my kids dearly. I love them with every strand of my being. I love them with everything I have. I do. I want to be there for them. But I want them to be happy. I want them to feel safe, and secure, and protected. When mom's an emotional disaster, and they see it, and live with it, are they going to get those feelings and needs? I don't see it happening.

You know, these thoughts of taking that last, and final leap are real. They are thoughts that I seriously have to talk myself out of and around. They are horrible, and they scare the hell out of me. I hate these feelings. I HATE them. So far, I've obviously suceeded in talking myself out of them. But I'm tired of them coming back. I'm tired of having to fight them. Do I really want to die? Do I really want to meet my final destination yet? Hell no. But I do want out of this hell that I've been stuck in. I just don't know how to get out of it. Especially when the circumstances revolving around our lives just keeps getting harder and harder.

 
Old 06-05-2007, 12:19 AM   #5
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Re: Not coping well...

I am not in a great place mentaly to reply but I will give it a shot.

I get those wonderfull thoughts of ending it all at least a few times a day and like you they scare the hell out of me. The ones I worry about is when I am not scared at all, like the solution is right there. Problem is my little boy I only get him once a week but those few hours give me strength. I may not be the full time father I want to be but at least I am something to him. If I end my life I failed him as a parent and left a scar that may never heal. The other part that gets me through is anger, angry that the depression is winning and I did nothing to change it so I fight.

Your children are not going to remember how you are mentaly, they are going to remember you were there and loved them. I am sorry that your life has been so difficult but I am sure it has made you strong as hell, strong enough to climb out of the hole you are in,

I don't want to go a med tirade here but there is meds that will make the thoughts go away for the majority of the time and there are sleep aids out there that will help your body and mind out as you really need the rest. There are solutions to all of your difficulties sometimes it just takes a little bit of looking to find them.

Get angry, let it out and keep posting

take care
trg247
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Old 06-05-2007, 03:54 AM   #6
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Re: Not coping well...

dear amber,
you've been feeling this way for so long, and especially yesterday, yet you still came over to my thread and responded in such a loving a kind way, that i wanted to thank you from my heart for your compassion.

i've been reading the replies o f all the people on here who wrote you, and they are so very honest in their feedback to your misery. amber, that means they care. that means that although you've been here on the boards for just a little while, people have already seen what a great big, wide, giving, generous, loving, caring, humble, compassionate heart you have!!! i think that all of us on here have somehow, somewhere experienced at least a little bit of the hell that you are talking about going through right now. it may not have been under the exact same circumstances, but the feelings and thoughts were/are similar. the questions about life and living are similar. i have asked myself the same questions sometimes, and i'm only 36 (37 this october). i don't have any children and i can't imagine the pain one feels when they see their child in pain!!!! i think i'd break through the walls like the terminator to get to the best drs. there are; i'd probably have sued that first dr. who made a mistake with my daughter's first surgery....

like emerald, i never did see much of a difference between an animal and a human, and i think a life is a life (especially for us, grown-ups, and particularly if we are in such terrible pain and agony, that if there is nothing else we can do to "make it better" we might as well put a stop to it--but i've often thought, "I'm not God," "i'm not the one in charge of LIFE here," "I didn't come into existence of my own free will; someone else has power over me, and when He says it's enough, then it'll be enough."). however, when it comes to complete life-death debates (i.e., the person cannot live on their own, except on life support machines and the like, and they are considered a "vegetable" then i'd think it's God's way of saying "that's it for you my dear." i also believe children should absolutely be given the chance to experience the beauty and wonder of this world, to see it through those eyes of pure innocence--that, unfortunately, lasts only so long, before the "reality" of it all hits them like it did the rest of us....

obviously you believe that too. you've been fighting nonstop for your child / children. if the great man in the sky gave you these battles and these hardships to go through--there MUST be a reason for them, amber!!! i'm sure of this as i'm sure of my two hands in front of my face here. i know you've prayed countless times, i know you've cried and asked for the strength to go on when you could barely put one foot in front of another, and you know what, i also know that the guy up there heard you. i don't know why the answers don't come when we want them to, but i DO know that they come, amber. you've probably heard it said many times before, the answers come and peace and quiet comes, but not in our times, but in his.

my father had a stroke 7 years ago, that left him paralyzed on the right side, unable to eat absolutely anything (bec. of possible aspiration pneumonia--of which he did suffer quite a few times), and with a j-tube through his stomach down into his lower intestines. he's literally half the man he used to be. he was always an avearage height, average weight man. now he is only skin and bones, and is (in your words) actually hanging on to life by a thread!!--a nylon tube that delivers formula and water (just enough for his metabolism to keep him alive and to function day to day) to his body. he is in a nursing home, amber, because my mother still works, my sister works, and i work. he's had a number of hospitalizations especially over the past two years, bec. of complications with his tube (they had to make another hole in his stomach bec. the one he had got so infected--it still didn't heal as of now, and it's been years!!!!), lung infections, urethra infections, sepsis, etc. i've gotten to the point that i couldn't stand it any longer, especially when he said "i want to die," or "don't keep me here anymore, please,"... and i researched some information about hospice. sannah knows about it, because i asked her too, in my desperation--i didn't really know where to turn. in any case, my mom and sister wouldn't hear about it. they thought i wanted to kill my father!!!! they made me feel horrible. i tried to explain it to them, to let them see it from his point of view (he is cognizant and able to talk and can understand, but he is afraid to tell my mother how he feels, because he doesn't want to worry her. he only talks a little bit about some of the feelings that overwhelm him at times---i.e., i want to die--when he can't take it anymore). my mom and sister kept telling me that this is what God wants, and when it's his time to go, god will take care of it, and that we shouldn't "interfere" with god's plan. i got soooo angry, you couldn't believe it. yeah, that was exactly what God wanted, like we didn't "interfere" enough already!!!!!!!!!! with all those damn tubes, oxygen masks, holes in his stomach, his life hanging on by a damn plastic thread....oh yeah....but, so it remained, my dear amber, and so is still is....my father keeps enduring the God-given days he's got left on this earth under these circumstances. but i did what i could. at least i know that. and after all, it may actually NOT be up to me what and when "it" will happen...

anyway, i am truly sorry for taking up so much space on here to relate my story to you--i don't even know how this resembles your story at all...i guess something must have triggered it for me to tell it to you. i guess my dad has a lot of willpower too. i want to say that. yes. if he didn't i don't think he would've lasted this long, because the drs. gave him a 50-50 chance of survival when they saw the huge bloody mess in his head after the stroke. THEY were surprised that he made it. perhaps what i was trying to say with all these words here is that your girl(s) WILL be OK, amber. they will be healthy. because they've gotten your genes. and out of the people that i've met out there, in cyberspace, (and there are some extremely strong people out there!!), you are one of the strongest, amber. just you remember that.

i so wish that i could somehow help you in real life, not only on here. i wish that you had at least another person there with you, with whom you can share the load, so to speak. but don't you lose heart, my dear! you keep in mind you're never alone, you hear?!!!!! in your loneliest hours, the father of us all is with you. my deepest prayers for you and your daughter, that she may get well quicker than anybody expects, and that you both may go home soon.

blessings to you all!
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Old 06-05-2007, 06:02 AM   #7
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Re: Not coping well...

Amber, I really think that you need to get into a program or a hospital. You need to rest, you need to be able to focus to get better. If one of your thoughts is who is going to take care of the kids, etc., well who is going to take care of the kids if you end your life.

Last edited by Sannah; 06-05-2007 at 06:05 AM.

 
Old 06-05-2007, 09:38 AM   #8
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Re: Not coping well...

Thanks everyone, for all the replies, for all the advice, the suggestions, and for just being there.
Today, well, I'm not feeling as emotionally strained as I was last night. Just wiped. Yesterday and last night took everything out of me, even on a physical level. I really just feel like I ran a merathon, without any preperation. I'm hoping that maybe I will be able to lay down for a little while when/if the baby takes his nap. We don't have any appointments today, so I plan on just vedging out, and trying to relax, and trying to recover from last night.
The baby woke me up today in a way that I love, so maybe that helped. Since we've been in the hotel, he's been sleeping with me. Usually he wakes up crying and demanding to be fed. Today, he had crawled over and was giving me one of his big,wide open mouthed, wet slobbery kisses, right smack in the middle of my forehead. Kinda gross, I know, but it's so much nicer waking up to that, than waking up immediately being demanded for something!
I'd take it anyday. He's at a stage where he's really learning to use his voice. So he screams a lot, and half the time, he's not even mad, or sad, or upset. Just simply testing his voice. So when the lady in the next hotel room came and complained that he's being too noisy, it really just hit a nerve with me. I can understand if it's late at night that he's doing this, but it wasn't even dark out yet. And he's a baby!! Does she really expect him to be silent??
My daughter still seems a little distant today. But who could blame her? She's such a good kid, and really doesn't deserve all this b/s that she has to go through. I think that's part of the problem. I feel helpless when it comes to her situation. I mean sure, I can get her to her appointments, and I can get her to the hospital, but to actually take her pain away, to make her all better, I can't. And as most parents feel, we would go to hell and back to take our children's pain away. And I think part of me feels responsible for her problems. We let the *** of a doctor opperate on her--SIX times, because it was an emergency, and he was the only one where we used to live. And each time, he screwed up in one way or another. And now that I talk to so many other surgeons, all said that it was a mistake to even let her have this surgery at such a young age--or more of a mistake for the surgeon to perform this surgery when she was so young.
Do you ever post, venting, or ranting, or whatever. You do it in the heat of the moment, and then the next day, you feel like an idiot for the things you said in that post? That's how I am now. While last night, that post really helped get some of the emotions out, and helped me to sort through some of them, but damn, I look at it today, and I just can't believe I would put all that out. I really do hate making my problems, other's concern.
Anyway, I'm getting side tracked, but I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for just listening, and offering your words of encouragement.
Amber

 
Old 06-05-2007, 10:05 AM   #9
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Re: Not coping well...

Amber, I am so glad that you are feeling better today. What a sweet way to wake up! Do you feel guilt over the messed up surgeries? Maybe that post last night is one reason that you feel better today? Please do not regret it. We love you for who you are okay. Please do not feel bad for "making your problems other's concerns". We all choose to come here and we choose to read your posts and it isn't a burden okay.

 
Old 06-05-2007, 04:24 PM   #10
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Re: Not coping well...

Thanks Sannah,
You know, everytime she has problems, guilt rides me, like I'm the one cutting her open. I hate sending her back into the OR. I thought that the first surgery at three months was the hardest. But it only gets harder with each one. Probably because the fact that she can now understand what's going on, and the more surgeries they do, the more riskier it is, and the harder the recovery period is. I think it would be one thing, if she was born with some kind of birth defect, or something that would make all these surgeries more understandable. It's been a draining process. There were three years where everytime she would eat or drink, it would come right back up. So obviously, her nutrition was sacrificed, not to mention the pain that she would be in each time she ate or drank,or the phobia that she still struggles with just to eat. Now, we find out that this time around, the top part of her stomach, (Where the surgery was) is failing, because of the bottom part of her stomach, due to some nerves and muscles that were cut by accident during one of the previous surgeries. For the last test that was done, it was discovered that her stomach is digesting food and liquids so much slower than it should. She was giving an ounce of Chocolate milk, and one scrambled egg, both injected with the radioactive dye. Where the solid/liquid in a normal stomach would be more than 50% digested at 60 minutes, the liquids in her stomach were less than 50% digested at 109 minutes, and solids were less than 50% digested at 429 minutes. Meaning for one scrambled egg, it's taking her stomach over seven hours to even get halfway digested. Talk about a diet plan, hey! One scrambled egg, and literally full for the rest of the day. Obviously she eats and drinks more than an ounce, and one scrambled egg, so her stomach is getting way too full, thus putting the pressure on the wrap up top, causing it to herniate, and in turn causing it to come apart again. We are now stagnant, waiting for all these docs to come up with a care plan, and in the mean time, also waiting for more tests, but this time on the tumor. Anyway, so the very long version of my answer is...yes, I do feel guilty because of her problems. I feel that if we had taken some more time, even just an hour, I could have done more research on the procedure, or even the doctor, and probably would have tried sticking it out with the meds a little longer. But when your kid stops breathing, stiffens up and turns purple, the professionals are the ones calling the shots.
Anyway, I think that if it wasn't the post that helped me feel better this morning, it at least helped me sort out the emotions that were spinning in my head like a tornado. Sometimes when those thoughts are spinning so out of control, typing or writing them out seems to at least slow them down some. I do realize that I can't do this on my own anymore, and that it has grown to a level that I will never be able to reach. Even during the good moments, it still feels like life is just spiraling out of control, only not as fast as it does during the bad hours. So I realize that a more aggresive approach is obviously going to be needed. I've talked with my current therapist on line a few times...but I'm really not feeling capable that she can help me. I've also talked with my old therapist several times on the phone...I really wish we didn't live so damn far from her. She's amazing, and I'd go back to her any day. She has great intuition, and even though we now live 12 hours away, she still gets a feeling that she should call, when things are usually going bad.
Anyway, thanks again. I do feel welcomed, and loved here, and feel that I have a new "chosen" family, and that I can come here and not worry about being judged.
Amber

 
Old 06-05-2007, 05:59 PM   #11
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Re: Not coping well...

Wow, Amber... you've got a lot on your plate hon.

I can't iamgine the stress of the medical problems with your children. That alone would push me into a deep depression, I have no doubt. Heck, I sometimes cry when I've been hard on my daughter for whatever reason, and it really gets the better of me. But to have something life threatening that was beyond my control? Yikes. You're a strong person for being able to deal with it, even if you're struggling. I admire that. Like I said, I'm 32 and my oldest daughter is 5, so I know how demanding and stressfull just raising healthy children can be all by itself.

You know what I think you need more than anything right now? A tropical vacation.
You need a break from everything, for a week or so. I think that would help you immensly. How practical that is, I don't know. If I were in a position to help I would finance and arrange it myself for you. Your story has really got to me, for some reason. I hope you hang in there, I really, really do.

About the creep that you had the problems with as a kid and teen... did you ever get him prosecuted? Do you think he is following you around when you move? Guh... people like him are just the scum of the earth. Does your husband know about it? I'd hate to think of what I would do if something like that was following my wife or one of my loved ones around... I'd likely wind up in prison. Gets me mad just thinking about it.

Anyway, keep venting through the forum here. Don't ever feel ashamed or embarrassed about it, you have no reason to. I can understand how you would because it is hard to open up like that, but you shouldn't feel like that at all. We're here for you. Don't forget that.

 
Old 06-05-2007, 08:51 PM   #12
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Not coping well...

Do you ever post, venting, or ranting, or whatever. You do it in the heat of the moment, and then the next day, you feel like an idiot for the things you said in that post? That's how I am now. While last night, that post really helped get some of the emotions out, and helped me to sort through some of them, but damn, I look at it today, and I just can't believe I would put all that out. I really do hate making my problems, other's concern.

dear amber,

you shouldn't think twice about anything you say on here. this is why it's a forum for depression. it's here for all of us to talk about ourselves, our deepest feelings and emotions, to vent, to think out loud, to let the pile of crap OUT! nobody, but nobody will judge you here, amber. if anything, whoever sees what you're going through, and they're compassionte, warm-hearted people, even if they have their own problems, they'll come to your aid and will try their hardest to comfort you (just like you did--yes, YOU did-- to others!). sometimes we may think words aren't much, but they're powerful and they can build-up a person. and since it's cyberspace, all we've got here are basically words....

there were times when i've had bad days at work, or misunderstandings with my mother or others around me, and came here and told my story and shouted, or cried, or was completely silent, because i felt too depleted of energy even to write!!! but i've opened up my heart and soul on here like i didn't even open up to my family....and it was all good. i didn't even mind if anybody didn't respond (although someone always did--before the "newbies" (which i've come to love like family too), like lilme, and juju, and sly, etc. got on--and she knows who she is [sannah, and at times trg]. it was good to just get it out and let someone out there, somewhere, read it, and know what the hell i was feeling. even if that person didn't know me from a hole in the wall. and the people that have gotten to know me, and that i've gotten and am getting to know, i'll alwasy treasure. it's such a wonderful feeling to know one isn't alone in this hell and nightmare, in having to face life's hardships and obstacles....everyone has something they battle and struggle with. i think that's what gave me hope and some strength...

and like sly said, we love you just as you are!!!

i hope you'll be able to sleep a bit better tonight, and that your baby and little girl will be able to rest easily and peacefully till tomorrow. hold on amber.
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Old 06-05-2007, 10:10 PM   #13
NVD NVD is offline
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Re: Not coping well...

Hi 72575,

Thank you for your kind words, and your understanding. Reading your post really brought a sense of comfort over me.

A tropical vacation would be wonderful! Geeze, a vacation in my own bedroom, with nothing to think or worry about would be nice, too!!

As for the other part of the question. No, he never was prosecuted. You see, he was my parents dealer, as well as their room-mate. The drugs ruled the house. They knew about the actions, but I was always warned of what would happen if the word got out. So, I kept quite. I moved out at 14, and was living with a room-mate, going to school, and then going to work. (Since I was only 14, it was under the table, since I was not legal to work yet) For being only 14, and deciding to grow up VERY quickly, I think I was doing good for myself. Later, my parents divorced, and my dad, and ***** moved to my town. At this time, I confided in my school counselor, and the police were contacted. But since nothing had been done at that time, and it had been quite a while since his last attack, there was no real evidence. Now, I live about 12 hours away from where I was living then, and he is again, about 45 minutes away. My husband does know about it, and I'm quite sure that if they ever ran into eachother on the street, my husband probably would be in jail. I have family who lives very close to us, who do still keep in contact with my dad, and therefore him. At this point, I'm not sure if I think he would do anything or not. I don't know. You see, the things that he did, I truly believe was like his drug. It was his high. He got a high off of knowing that he had so much power, that even my parents did not stop him. Now that I'm married, to a man that will not just sit back and pretend nothing is happening, he loses that power. I'm not sure how things would be if we ran into eachother on the street, though, without my husband. I think this is what scares me the most. I wonder, will I be as powerless then as I feel now? I'd fight tooth and nail to protect my kids, but would he fight harder? These thoughts go through my mind continously, and it's enough to make someone go crazy. My old psychologist, the one that I've been talking to, is good at helping me work through some of the fears sometimes, but most of the time, they are there, and they don't budge.
Anyway, I obviously have a lot to say today...seems all of my posts have been novels today.
Again, thanks for the encouragement. And thanks for being so kind, and for listening.
Amber

 
Old 06-05-2007, 11:50 PM   #14
NVD NVD is offline
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Re: Not coping well...

Quote:
you shouldn't think twice about anything you say on here. this is why it's a forum for depression. it's here for all of us to talk about ourselves, our deepest feelings and emotions, to vent, to think out loud, to let the pile of crap OUT! nobody, but nobody will judge you here, amber. if anything, whoever sees what you're going through, and they're compassionte, warm-hearted people, even if they have their own problems, they'll come to your aid and will try their hardest to comfort you (just like you did--yes, YOU did-- to others!). sometimes we may think words aren't much, but they're powerful and they can build-up a person. and since it's cyberspace, all we've got here are basically words....
Thanks Dakota.
You know, I've always just been one to deal with my emotions in my own way, in my own time. Typically, this consists of finding a spot, and tucking it away, till it's no longer seen or heard. The deeper I can tuck it, the better. That way, I don't tend to dwell on it, I don't have to explain why I'm feeling a certain way, I don't even have to think of why I'm feeling that way. It's out of site, sorta out of mind. I know, it's a horrible learned behaviour. It's one that I've always had, so now that I feel that I'm at a point where there are no more places for tucking the emotions away, I feel bad. It's hard to crack open that shell, and let the pain and the negative feelings ooze to the surface. You know what I mean??
In the last few weeks though, when I feel that shell cracking, the first place I think of is here. And that is so strange for me. Why is it that I can't open up about my feelings to one really close person, or even the person that I'm paying to listen to me, but I can open up to hundreds of people across the world, that I've never even personally met?? And maybe that's just it! Because y'all are not looking at me in the face while I pour my heart out to you, maybe because I know that you are not forced to read my posts, and it's actually quite easy for you to just hit delete, or at least skip it. I'm not sure. Letting go, is definitely a work in progress.
thanks again, Dakota. For everything. Have a good night,
Amber

 
Old 06-06-2007, 05:09 AM   #15
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Not coping well...

oh amber, DO I know it!! i've lived it too. there was a time where i repressed most of what i felt, thinking that if i didn't think about it, i wouldn't feel it as much, i'd forget it somehow, and it would "just go away." boy was i wrong..because years later it STILL held power over me. it still came up to the "surface" whenever something else happened in my life to upset me or to make me feel like crap. and so my entire experience got blown WAY out of proportion just because of those past experiences that i kept inside and stuffed and stuffed and stuffed away. so, i absolutely know what you mean!!!!

but it's ok. you're so right. and about the psychs--i know too that we don't always have time, or enough time to talk about "everything" that's going on in our lives during a "session," or a phone session (i've had phone sessions too, when i didn't even have the energy to go in). the time seems to fly by so fast when we're talking with them--while we're on here, we have more time to reflect and to write what's really on our hearts and souls without time limits...we can choose what to talk about, since this place is "open" day or night. .

it's all good, amber. hold on. it'll be a better tomorrow. God willing!
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
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