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Old 06-07-2007, 08:18 AM   #1
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Hayley22 HB User
need a friend to chat with

Hi,

I am currently undergoing relationship problems but have had alot of past bad experiences am feeling quite low and could do with some support just someone to understand how I feel.

is there anyone who has suffered from sexual abuse, violence?

would be great to just have a chat with someone who can relate to me if you know what I mean

Hayley x

 
Old 06-07-2007, 08:34 AM   #2
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jujubeez725 HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hayley22 View Post
Hi,

I am currently undergoing relationship problems but have had alot of past bad experiences am feeling quite low and could do with some support just someone to understand how I feel.

is there anyone who has suffered from sexual abuse, violence?

would be great to just have a chat with someone who can relate to me if you know what I mean

Hayley x
Hi Hayley,

Dear, if someone is abusing you or if there is violence in this "relationship", sweetie, you MUST GET OUT OF THERE! That's far too dangerous!

 
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Old 06-07-2007, 08:41 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

Hi Hayley, I'll chat with you. Do you want to explain more was is distressing you now?

 
Old 06-07-2007, 10:22 AM   #4
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Re: need a friend to chat with

Hi Haylee22,

I have been there several times. If you've read any of my posts, the effects of my abuse is something that I am still learning to deal with. I would be more than willing to chat with you, as I truly know how hard it is to get through.

Take care, and I look forward to "talking" with you.
Amber

 
Old 06-07-2007, 12:29 PM   #5
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Hayley22 HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

Hi, everyone, thankyou for your replies - I was sexually abused by my grandfather from age 5 to 11 and my mum divorced my dad and got with a very violent man from when I was 7 up until 18 when I moved out to be in this relationship that I am in.

Although I have come along way I have so many problems to do with my past like low self - confidence always questioning myself about things like when talking to someone on phone always feel like I have said something wrong when I most likely havn't. I don't trust anyone anymore because most of the people in my life have let me down 1 way or another.

I am with a 35- year-old man called James who is a really nice man other than he has anger problems he is never violent towards me or anyone but he is extremely verbally abusive and not really understanding. He never relaxes and therefore puts me on edge all the time and his way of life differs from mine I am a private person whereas he has lived in the same town and the same house all his life and knows almost everyone he is sociable I am just not like he is I feel pressured because so many people know him and you can't walk down the street without been stopped millions of times and people saying hiya to you and chatting and you have no idea who they are. We have other differences like I am younger and need to grow he has more experience than me and of course I will make mistakes but he just gets angry at me for things very little things.

We argue so much because I try to defend myself against the way he speaks to me or if I think he has said something that is wrong but he turns it into an argument because he wont listen to my feelings just calls me boring, uninteresting and walks out when I am trying to discuss our relationship and ask him why he has been so arragant towards me - he once walked off after shouting and swearing at me leaving me 30+weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and our daughter in front of our good friends walking because I had been looking at house prices and gave his number to contact us and he didnt want me to so instead of calmly discussing it just lashed out at me for it.

There are so many other things but mainly that he shouts, swears, and then doesn't listen to my feelings, tries to blame me for it on the other hand when he isn't been like that he helps out alot in house, and is a fantastic dad but we are having problems because I am thinking of leaving and have told him and his reply was if your going p off then just feel scared to leave thats all.

Thankyou so much for listening

Hayley x

 
Old 06-07-2007, 12:31 PM   #6
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Hayley22 HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

Amber - how has abuse affected you mainly with me self - confidence, self - doubt, trust no-one at all? it isn't a nice thing and affects you horribly but I find that people that havn't suffered it don't understand you that much.

Hayley x

 
Old 06-07-2007, 01:53 PM   #7
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1happycamper HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

Wow girlfriend,
It sounds to me like you are in another unhappy situation and just repeating the cycle of violence from your childhood. Verbal abuse is the worst kind. I know, I have endured it for many years. The only way you can be happy and find self confidence is to take control of your life in whatever situation you find yourself in. I have a strong spiritual history so i rely on God alot but whatever it takes for you to start to make a happy life for yourself. What do you like to do? Center more things in your life around what makes you happy and feel good and forget all that name callin crapola. Life is too short and we just dont have time for all the pain. So get out of that rut and go live your life and maybe you'll outgrow him!

 
Old 06-07-2007, 03:22 PM   #8
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Re: need a friend to chat with

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hayley22 View Post
Amber - how has abuse affected you mainly with me self - confidence, self - doubt, trust no-one at all? it isn't a nice thing and affects you horribly but I find that people that havn't suffered it don't understand you that much.

Hayley x

Hi Hayley,
For me, it's a bit of a different situation, but abuse is abuse, right? The man who I was raped several times by, has really never been out of my life for a very long period, obviously not by my choice. He just seems to "show up" in places that I live. I've moved 4000 miles away, and yet he still managed to be there. I believe because of him, and his never-ending power--I cave in. I collapse. I deal with horrible depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I get flash backs, I get nauseous just at the sound of his name. It takes everything I have to leave the safety of my house...sometimes leaving the safety of my bed is impossible. And when I do leave, I feel like I'm constantly watching my back, and then the Anxiety kicks in, and makes it worse. It effects me with my marriage, because if my husband and I have a simple, normal healthy argument, I can't cope. I hide, and will avoid confrontation at all costs, even if I know that I am right. If it means arguing, it just doesn't matter. My husband is a wonderful man. He puts up with my emotional messes, and continuously tells me how much he loves me. He's never been physically violent, but at times, when I, or something else has pushed him past his limit, he can get verbally abusive, and at times can say some pretty outrageously mean things. But as soon as it's off his chest, he pretty much will kiss the ground I walk on, just to prove how sorry he is.
I'm sorry to hear about all your struggles. Rape, or sexual abuse is such a horrible thing to go through. It's so hard, and something that never truly leaves you, and will effect us for the rest of our lives. Hang in there, and if there is anything more, don't hesitate to ask. Take care,
Amber

 
Old 06-08-2007, 06:32 AM   #9
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Hayley22 HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

Thankyou for your replies mean alot that someone is there to listen makes you feel better and not like your going insane!

I am sorry to hear your story amber not nice, it does affect you and is often hard to forget about if you can at all.

I do think that there is an element to me staying that feels secure like I know what is happening but moving I don't and i do feel frightened to but also feel as though I may end up regreting it if he could change as he keeps promising from time to time when he isn't ignoring my feelings - I know his behaviour is that of a bully and because he hasn't changed it seems like he isn't interested in doing so - this past couple of days he promised me that he will change and he has upto now but I just know it is only a matter of time and he has made me feel so low with it all.

Thanks again

Hayley x

 
Old 06-08-2007, 06:50 AM   #10
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Re: need a friend to chat with

I am just on an emotional rollercoaster always I know that he takes advanage because I am not as experienced and I feel frightened to leave with the pain it would cause

I just am in such a horrible situation like this past 4 days he has promised to change and there is a slight improvment he hasnt called me names but has taken the p out of me to his mum and a housing person on the phone he has been arragant about me but other than that he has been alright and has sat and listened a couple of times telling me that he is desperate for us to work it out that he won't disrespect me again but I just have had years of him saying that.

I have got so low with this and feel bad in myself because of how he is and I can't seem to shake it off I have 2 wonderful children and need to stay strong for myself but if not for them but it is hard to smile when I feel so low at times like this because I am alone with it and it confuses me because he tried to put blame on me alot.

Thanks again

Hayley x

 
Old 06-08-2007, 07:21 AM   #11
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

hi haley,

how long have you been with this man, if i may ask? also you said he's 35, but you didn't mention your age....are you over 18 now?

haley, you are being disrespected, degraded, emotionally controlled, dominated, manipulated, stressed out to the max, made to feel anxious, depressed, and fearful....the way he behaves towards you serves to only further diminish your self worth, your confidence, your abilities, your positive outlook, your energy, your outlook towards the future, and possibly even your health.

he does things around the house and he is a good dad. ok, that's good.
he keeps saying he will change. ok. but does he really ever change, haley? you said yourself this guy has "anger" problems. people with anger issues do not get over their problems so quickly and by themselves. the fact is you never know how he's ever going to be or act. one day he may be ok, one day he may not. you're probably walking on eggshells around him. even if he didn't have anger problems, haley, people do not change their personality, no matter how hard they may try. they can definitely change their behavior, but not their personality, and this man seems to have this anger so deeply ingrained in him that it would take lots of time and professional help for him to overcome that.

you also say you're frightened to leave him. i guess you are b/c you have two young kids and you don't know where to go, being young with two kids who depend on you. (remember, there was once a time he said "p--s off," meaning he didn't care whether you went or stayed, right?). you're probably also frightened that he won't really let you leave? i don't know, i'm just speculating this. if that's so, then it's even worse.

haley, my opinion is (and it's only an opinion) that you should think really, really hard about your life with this man. and not only about your life now, but 5, 10 years from now. will you be able to endure this life? will you NOT regret living it 5-10 years from now? will you be able to withstand it? and not only you, but the children. they'll grow up, you know that. they will most likely see the fights between you guys, and see their mom being put down and made to feel like a doormat (im sorry for being so blunt) by their dad. i'm sure you don't want them to get this impression of men in general from this one man. i know you may not see it now, but life is very very short haley, and we only have one. and, it isn't meant to be lived in hell or as if we're in a nightmare.

can you put aside a little bit of money, little by little (without him knowing maybe) just for yourself? keep stashing something away just for you, just in case, for a rainy day, as they say. with time, the money accummulates. you never know when you'll need it, and what you can do with it. just an idea. i think you know what i mean.

please think about it. and please come here and talk to these wonderful people who have much more experience than i do, b/c they WILL offer you more guidance than i may be able to. you're a wonderful woman, you're strong, no matter what he says, and you can take life if your own hands. you did it before you met him, and you could do it again.

with many blessings to you,
dakota
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Old 06-08-2007, 08:24 AM   #12
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Re: need a friend to chat with

I spent about 13 years on the emotional roller coaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiting and waiting for him to change. They aren't stupid, they will do a token little jesture. Just enough to keep their claws in you. To lull you into a false sense of security......................then it starts all over again! It may help if you check out psychopaths.

 
Old 06-11-2007, 08:12 AM   #13
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

Quote:
Originally Posted by isitme View Post
I spent about 13 years on the emotional roller coaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiting and waiting for him to change. They aren't stupid, they will do a token little jesture. Just enough to keep their claws in you. To lull you into a false sense of security......................then it starts all over again! It may help if you check out psychopaths.
hi hailey,

hon, look--this is coming from someone who's dealt with this "hands-on."
please think about it.
fondly,
dakota
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Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-11-2007, 09:53 AM   #14
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jujubeez725 HB User
Re: need a friend to chat with

WOW!!

Hayley,

Didn't know you were going through sooo much!

Dakota has raised some very valid points; and she makes a lot of sense.
You really do have to start looking at the future for you AND your children. Think about this very seriously.

Your children suffer just watching and hearing the abuse.
They can grow up nervous, afraid, lack confidence, and be insecure because this is the way an abusive atmosphere shapes them.

They begin to think about the ugly, negative words he uses when he talks about you (not to mention the physical abuse), and they'll figure, "Well, I come from Mommy AND Daddy, so if he calls her all those names, he also has to think that about me!"

That's one way to rip a child's confidence level.

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-11-2007 at 09:55 AM.

 
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