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Old 06-07-2007, 09:30 AM   #1
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Thursday

I hope you're all doing well. Last night I realized I didn't have a therapy apt. this week. I don't know why, but it's getting me depressed. Before I figured this out I was feeling like I didn't know what to talk about in therapy this week, which is normal for me. But after I found out I instantly felt lonely and depressed. I've had thoughts like I should do something to myself to get back at him. Like try to lose a few more pounds to see if he notices (I've got an eating disorder). I see him again on the 14th. Silly, I know. It's not his fault, his schedule was booked up and I waited to long to make my monthly appointments. He probably won't care or notice I'm not there this week.

Otherwise things are OK. Work has been busy but manageable. I feel like I'm accomplishing stuff and not just getting buried. I haven't gained or lost any weight this week. Haven't talked to my mom. We're supposed to have nice weather this weekend. So other than my therapist issue (which is all in my head) I'm doing fine.

What are you guys doing this weekend? Chaos, I think I read you're going camping?

 
Old 06-07-2007, 09:37 AM   #2
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Re: Thursday

Maria, if I just would have waited a few more minutes I would have seen your post here before I started a thread! At least this way you can feel special.

So you don't have an appt. with your therapist this week and you feel abandoned? You want to get back at him by hurting yourself. (And I want to commend you for being honest about this here!). I don't understand all the connections with this but I think it would be very valuable for you to pursue this. Can you say anything more about this so that I can understand it better?

 
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Old 06-07-2007, 09:45 AM   #3
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Re: Thursday

Hi Maria!!!

Keep up the eating regularly. Don't lose any weight!
You'll only be hurting yourself

Therapists get pretty booked-up at times; but just give your therapist a break. It'll be alright.

Great seeing your post!

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-07-2007 at 09:46 AM.

 
Old 06-07-2007, 10:03 AM   #4
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Re: Thursday

I know it's silly, but it's getting me down. It's just a depressed feeling I guess. When you suffer with depression it doesn't take much to trigger sadness. It'd make more sense if I thought, "Ha ha! I'll GAIN a few pounds and then march into my therapist's office on the 14th like 'See - I don't need you to get better.'"

My mind thinks if I lost just 2 more lbs I'd reach a significant goal, and then I could start eating like normal people. I've been arguing with myself about this. Part of me wants to lose those lbs, and part of me knows better. It's like I want to prove to myself that I can do it. But if I do my mind will probably make up some new silly weight loss goal. If you happen to find the escape hatch from my crazy mind, please let me know where it is!

 
Old 06-07-2007, 10:09 AM   #5
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Re: Thursday

Quote:
Originally Posted by MariaBB View Post
I know it's silly, but it's getting me down. It's just a depressed feeling I guess. When you suffer with depression it doesn't take much to trigger sadness. It'd make more sense if I thought, "Ha ha! I'll GAIN a few pounds and then march into my therapist's office on the 14th like 'See - I don't need you to get better.'"

My mind thinks if I lost just 2 more lbs I'd reach a significant goal, and then I could start eating like normal people. I've been arguing with myself about this. Part of me wants to lose those lbs, and part of me knows better. It's like I want to prove to myself that I can do it. But if I do my mind will probably make up some new silly weight loss goal. If you happen to find the escape hatch from my crazy mind, please let me know where it is!
LOL @ "escape hatch"

I know depression magnifies ever little thing that goes wrong. Doesn't take much to get the tears flowing.

 
Old 06-07-2007, 10:20 AM   #6
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Re: Thursday

The day is going ok. I'm starting to get ansy at work cause I jsut want to head home and start getting ready. Work has been going by at an ok pace. A few more hrs left. When the grp came back no one said anything except my boss, who joked about it but in a cool way. He knows I'm a perfectionist with OCD, so if I didn't get this stuff done it would bug me during the trip heh.

I'm looking for good things this weekend and yes I will be out camping. Hopefully it will help me calm down some and actually get some sleep. I know my dog will love it out there. I ordered a book and was hoping it will be here today so i can bring it to read, but he UPS thing said delivery tomorrow even though it showed it as arriving in my city. How weird.

EDIT: UPS just updated the status....it is out for delivery

Last edited by ChaosAD; 06-07-2007 at 10:21 AM.

 
Old 06-07-2007, 10:49 AM   #7
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Re: Thursday

Maria, it is not silly! It is what is going on in your mind right now and the sooner you figure out all the connections and what it means the sooner you will have peace with this issue.

Maria, from what you say it sounds like you are really thin. Really thin people do not eat "normal like everyone else". Isn't the weight loss really just a feeling like YOU ARE IN CONTROL HERE and if you are finally in control then everything will be alright?

The escape hatch to your mind is the path there to the right where you figure out what all of this means in your head. There really is a rhyme and reason to it all. It just needs to be understood.

 
Old 06-07-2007, 11:49 AM   #8
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Re: Thursday

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Maria, it is not silly! It is what is going on in your mind right now and the sooner you figure out all the connections and what it means the sooner you will have peace with this issue.

Maria, from what you say it sounds like you are really thin. Really thin people do not eat "normal like everyone else". Isn't the weight loss really just a feeling like YOU ARE IN CONTROL HERE and if you are finally in control then everything will be alright?

The escape hatch to your mind is the path there to the right where you figure out what all of this means in your head. There really is a rhyme and reason to it all. It just needs to be understood.

I just love this quote from the Dr. :

The escape hatch to your mind is the path there to the right ....

 
Old 06-07-2007, 12:37 PM   #9
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Re: Thursday

Maria,

Isn't it odd that when we are upset about someone's behavior we do things to punish ourselves? I have had that revelation also. I thought living well was supposed to be the best revenge. Anyway, I will be welcoming a new granddaughter tomorrow so some of my plans will revolve around that. Sunday we will be working on the yard. We are doing a pretty extensive overhaul on the flower gardens. Also a friend of ours wants to make a waterfall out of our small pond. I love to sit there in the evenings. Last night a crane landed in the tree in the yard behind us. I no longer have fish in my pond but the neighbor behind us does. But maybe not for long. Nature is one of the ways I calm myself. Godbless

 
Old 06-07-2007, 01:48 PM   #10
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Re: Thursday

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Originally Posted by marian100 View Post
Maria,

Isn't it odd that when we are upset about someone's behavior we do things to punish ourselves?
I have had a conversation with someone on the PTSD board previously and the conclusion that was reached was that she did this because she was angry but she just could not direct anger outside of herself so the only place left to direct the anger was towards herself.

 
Old 06-07-2007, 07:08 PM   #11
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Re: Thursday

Hey guys... Just getting a chance to come here and do some reading. Busy day. There's a tornado watch until midnight tonight. My son keeps asking about it... He's worried that we won't wake up if it happens. I said "dude, they sound the alarms and you can hear them." My little guy is cute...

Sannah, you said something about weight issues and being in control that I wanted to comment on. I really, really agree with you... A lot of it IS about control. If I feel that I'm thin, then I feel in control and it makes me feel better. I weigh myself every day. I wish I didn't, but it's the truth. In the last year I've gained 10 pounds. I needed to, though. I was too thin.

Now, I'm pretty normal, I think? Although people who know me would say I'm thin.

You know how I gained weight, Maria? I worked out huge... Turned it into muscle... Told myself it's O.K. to gain some weight... That I'm not "fat." That muscle is a good thing. I tell myself that... But it's really tough to believe it a lot of the time.

It's really, really, really hard. If you every want to PM me and talk more, please do, k? I read about your eating/weight struggles and I just think, "I've been there." And I wish I could help more. But unfortunately, a lot of the time, I'm still there on the struggling too. Maybe we can help each other?

Sorry I'm all "down" here. I just had a tough night related to my eating issues, myself. Had Chinese food... For some reason I felt it was fattening... Blah, blah, blah. The never-ending cycle.

I promise: A better mood tomorrow! Then again, this is the place to let it all out, huh? Have a good night all ~ Sly
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Old 06-08-2007, 04:51 AM   #12
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Re: Thursday

Sly, in my mind the way to get out of the eating issues is to really feel control in your life where it counts. Of course it feels great to feel in control of your life but what this really means is that you can handle the situations in your life and feel that you can "control" your feelings. To me controlling your feelings is just understanding them. When you don't understand them it must feel so out of control. I think that people who are in this place have a mountain of out of control feelings that they are standing on because they have never been taught how to deal with their feelings.

Sly, I made a few comments on a post last week, maybe Wednesday? when you commented about fear.

 
Old 06-08-2007, 10:39 AM   #13
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Re: Thursday

I see what you mean, Sannah. My parents never wanted any confrontation. We were told to, in effect, "bottle our feelings up" because there was "nothing to cry about." So... As I got older, that's what I always did. So the feelings I had were manifested in OCD symptoms, in eating disorder symptoms. That's how I got it out of my system.

It takes a lot of work, but I'm finally starting to just let my feelings be. To not judge them... To cry if I have to; to punch a pillow if I have to. The biggest thing is not to judge your feelings... Saying "you shouldn't feel this way," because who is to say you "shouldn't?" You feel what you feel and if you just accept that, it becomes easier.

I don't understand some of the feelings I have... And I'd like to, but if I can't... Then just accepting them and letting them go is working for me. That is, I think, "dealing" with them... But accepting them and letting go.

Is that what you mean, Sannah?
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Old 06-10-2007, 07:03 AM   #14
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Re: Thursday

Quote:
Originally Posted by even_sly View Post
I don't understand some of the feelings I have... And I'd like to, but if I can't... Then just accepting them and letting them go is working for me. That is, I think, "dealing" with them... But accepting them and letting go.
I like what you said here about accepting your feelings! IMO, understanding your feelings is the best way to let them go for good. Maybe post here so that you can understand them better? I am so glad that you understand how you came to not deal with your feelings. (This is basically what I am always saying about your past causing depression, etc. and now I am refining my argument to this - your past affects how you deal with your feelings today so it really is all about how you learned to deal with your feelings).

 
Old 06-10-2007, 10:48 AM   #15
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Re: Thursday

Sannah ~ Yep, if I really understood those feelings, maybe I would be able to let them go for good. You're right. But if I don't? At least I accept them... Let them be... And then move on. I think that's key...

And thanks, Sannah. Maybe I WILL post my feelings here more often and then maybe, I will understand them better. I still have a lot of work to do on ME. Hehe. Don't we all, though? In that, it's a constant process... A constant journey. Sometimes it's actually pretty fun, too.
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"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~ Lao Tzu

Last edited by even_sly; 06-10-2007 at 10:49 AM.

 
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