iveust been to the docs. im glad, but confused. she was back to normal again, dont know why, just suddenly was helpful, and even though i know she doesnt have an answer she still managed to be helpful. cos i know she doesnt have HEE answer to all my probelms.
she said the only probelm with meds was after what we talked about she was afraid id OD on them. it is true that its the most temting thing ever but i hold out for a few reasons. i twisted it a little bit, it doesnt actually matter because ihope that i will be able to hold out, i told her i wouldnt OD on them-but painkillers instead. which if i was going all out for a totally deadly OD i most likely would, but anti-anxiety meds seem nicer. truth is anytime ive come close it IS the anti-anxiety meds ive reached for, but only to get out of my head for a while. but now i promised her i wuldnt, since everytone here(yes sannah and dakota) know how once i say something to my doc thats it i wont go back on it unless i was purposly lying at the time(like when i said i dont self harm or that i wouldnt do it )-i wont OD on the meds she gave me. im thankful she gave them to me so i wont abuse it however tempting it may be.
we talked a good bit, usually because i ask endless questions and faff about for ages. she said i have no mental illness, that i dont have schizophrenia or bipolar(im kissing my own *** here that i dont thank god have any of that), but that some people have personality traits and stuff, that maybe at this time in my life things just are not good but ill grow out of it. id love to beleive ill grow out of it-but there is one motheload to grow out of, and every time i pull on a rope to try and fix something, another just gets tangled further in knots. its to messy she said we'd play it by year(dont know what that means we are doing), but at least it was hope that its not just over and thats it im locked out and have to be alone.
im a bit bitter about the whole no mental illness, i get the impression everyone thinks im chasing a mental illness, but i dont want anything 'mental' at all, even if its not considered a mental illness. i just wanted an explanation as to why im like this,i just feel i either have to be entirley healthy or else im the opposite-and i dont feel healthy so therefore in my mind im the opposite, then i get sooo stressted out that theyre missing things and that i will fall apart because no one realised fast enough. if i had a 'name' i could understand, identify it and start working out what is me and what is the depression. it seems more like if theres a mental illness like depression theres more of a manual to how to work through it, more support-when your just a mess, theres nothing and no reason to anything, its just the way you are. which sucks.
so she said maybe its just the time in my life,i wish then id hurry up and grow up because its too hard now.it seems never ending
so now i guess im staying with her, she said we'd talk again soon, but im changing things. im trying to cope myself and not always run back to her. it will be torture to be by myself but we get nowhere when i run back there.i think ill leave it just before i go on my holidays to go see her again-at least then ill have some energy while im away or something. my only worry is, i LOVE harming as you know, if it goes bad what do i do??? well ill cross that bridge when/if the time comes.
i cant wait till im back from my holidays, my legs will be totally free to cut. i know its morbid and bad, but it is the ONLY thing i feel excitied about, i get all jittery when thinking about it, and i cant stop daydreaming of the massive mess i am going to make. but NO ONE will be treating my legs for harm. maybe by then though i wont need it-unlikely as its less than 2 months away. but here is hoping.omg, i just realised how am i going to cope three weeks without harming???
Kerry, well, I hope that the meds bring you to a better place. Now you just need to start working on your issues. This is all that I ever did. I never even heard a diagnosis when I was working on myself (I didn't go to a doc, just therapists). I knew I needed some changes in how I thought and how I dealt with my feelings, so this is what I worked on. I took a problem that I was having when I was in a certain situation or with certain people and I worked on it with NO DIAGNOSIS. What is the most urgent problem that you are having right now? Is it self-harm? It seems that most people harm because they are not dealing with their feelings in a healthier way (by expressing them and dealing with the issues that are making them) and it also seems that there is an element of control in it. You feel out of control with your feelings and the harming puts you back into control. Putting yourself in control of your life/feelings is a healthier way to feel in control.
read again what sannah said, and read it very carefully, especially the last part, about control. and you should bring this topic up with keira in your next session and focus just on this and on emotional expression, and coping skills. i have no doubt that keira IS able to help you out in dealing with this issue!!!
now, as for the meds, if you take them everyday, like you're supposed to (what are they called, anyway?), by the time you get back in about three weeks, you MAY NOT EVEN feel the need to harm as much. you don't know yet. the meds may balance you out a bit---you know, balance the way your mind works, slow down your thougths a bit, so you don't feel like they're rushing through your head 100km/minute. and your mind will be able to "relax" a bit. as YOU become more and more in charge of your thoughts and feelings, and when and how YOU wish to express them--without fear of any kind and of anybody, and with the realization the YOU ARE NOT responsible for anybody else's reaction to your emotional expression--this self harm will become less and less likely as exciting as it now seems.
about your "diagnosis"--you already have one, emotional disturbance, and you know what it is (inability to focus, impulsiveness, self injury, poor coping skills, and probs in school). so, relax, and stop going around looking for more, b/c there isn't anymore. kerry, if i were you, i'd be THANKFUL there isn't anymore!!!!! YOU KNOW very well what you're dealing with. the rest is just dealing with it. it's working on it. it's facing the problems, one at a time, like sannah said (with keira at your side), and learning how to COPE with them when they come up. she'll also show you practical skills that you can use in everyday life when you feel overwhelmed by things around you, to help you focus even more....
you ARE ON YOUR WAY, KERRY!!! GOOD GOING, GIRL!!! ok?
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
hey guys. thats it see, i AM EXTREMLEY grateful i have no massive mental illness, i dont want any kind of mental problem-especially not even to the extent i have emotional problems i wish it would just stop and i could get on with life, i dont mean it that way, that im chasing one. i want an explanation thats all. itd be sooo much more simple if i was in a box and there was a simple exit to it(not that mental illness has one), but that there'd be more options open. i just feel like im in an abyss, or maybe like they gave up and just admitted im unfixable
i get what your saying about the control issue. keira has tried this with me, trying to control little things, but its hard because i dont get anything out of anything, nothing satisfys or excites or motivates me-everything is soo empty. im still searching for what makes me feel something-so far all ive found is harming.
i got inderall(proprananlol), so that should help u know. i hope it at least calms the physical side of things so i can focus more on getting better.
as for therapy-ive just been and im exhausted, and really down again. we did this new exercise were theres a bunch of objects(they were actually plastic figures lol) and i pick out each person in my life, including me and what they represent. i put them in order. my life is bloody empty. there was me(a ghost) then next in line were equally ranked-therapist and doc, then in a new line my freind, then brother, mum, and dad. then she got me to pick out me as a child(i picked a tiny figure), then my abuser(i hate that word-it even sounds scary), i picked a big ****ing rock she had in her room. i ended up, putting the ghost far away from everyone, the abuser far away at the other end, and then i forgot about the little me by accident so when i realised i put her far away from everyone, even me.. by the end id forgotten altogether about the little me and the abuser at the other end-which we have decided means i like to forget.
today i felt like giving up, its sooo large a hill to climb. you know, i can just about crawl up it without thinking of these things, it terrifies me that i might burst open if i do venture into those thoughts i like to block out. i havent confronted it in a while and i dont know if i can handle it, i feel like the world just drowned out and its me and him alone in a room. sometimes i feel some things are better left in the dark, but then ive tried that and one way or another it seeps out.
how am i goinmg to do this i keep wishing if could just go back i could stop it, and it wouldnt have happened and i wouldnt have this mess, i like imagining how things would have been different, but then i get sad.
you know im realsing that i cling to the next app after app. when i know i have one, it makes the day worthwhile, i have something hopeful to wait on, after it its like silence after a storm, thers nothing until the next round, and the hours are long.
keira suggested writing to my inner child and the abuser. i tried the inner child and i was exahuasted and i didnt even finish it. so im thinking ill have more energy to throw against the abuser in the letter. im just scared of what i might let out and i wont be able to control it.
Kerry, Kiera sounds like the best therapist! Kerry, you can do this. Previously, it seemed like you didn't want to focus on what you need to do? This seems like the right track here, Kerry, please just keep working it with Kiera.