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Old 06-10-2007, 03:25 PM   #1
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mycatwillow HB User
Crashed

Hi everybody,

I've been reading this site off and on and I've finally decided to post.

I'm in a bad way right now. I think I've been depressed/anxious pretty much my entire life. I've been in and out of therapy and on antidepressants for 10 years now. Tried them a couple of times before that but I was resistant because I figured I should be able to handle things myself. Plus about 14 years ago my doctor put me on stress leave for 3 weeks. I didn't think I was stressed, I just couldn't sleep. But I did it and swore I would never do it again because I thought everyone looked at me differently after that. Then 10 years ago I finally had to admit that something was definitely wrong with me and I've been fighting it ever since.

I'll be 39 years old in a couple of weeks, and in all those years I've felt ok to good for maybe 2 of them. The rest of the time I was either miserable, or not so miserable, but I wouldn't say good either. I am currently trying my 13th new antidepressant, Effexor. For the 2 years I felt ok I was on Remeron and then Remeron with Trazodone when the Remeron stopped working. Prior to that no other drugs helped much, and if they did they didn't for very long.

I would say in early 2005 the combination of Remeron and Trazodone stopped working as well because I wasn't feeling great. As time went by I felt worse and worse. I didn't do anything about it because I was still sleeping despite all the stress I was facing at work (I'm a secretary). Then a lot of things happened. Just over a year ago a good friend of mine committed suicide and a long distance relationship I was trying to make a go of ended. This guy is the only guy I've ever truly loved. I held out hope for a year that something could still happen, but he came to visit recently (since he's from the same city as me and I've known him for many years) and I realized it would never happen. I also realized he has some major issues and is not even good for me, so I thought I was finally free. But when he left there was this huge letdown and all of a sudden I started thinking I would never see him again.

That's when I crashed. I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and she put me off work, which I find absolutely humiliating. I haven't been pulling my weight at work for a long time. I can't concentrate and all I can do is think about how miserable I am. I'm always so terrified of making a mistake. Even though I've always had good evaluations I've always felt like a fraud. I have friends, and I don't know why. I have a hard time with guys because I'm so terrified of rejection. And now that I know what being in love really does to me, I'm never going to set myself up for that kind of hurt again.

My friends tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't see it. At best I think I'm cute, but only when every single hair is in place. I think I'm boring and worthless and have nothing to offer anyone. I think I've always been like this. Even as a little kid I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I spend most of my time in bed or on my couch these days. I try to get out and do something for a bit every day, with friends if possible, so that I don't go crazy here in my apartment by myself. But nothing really interests me anymore. Everything I do is to pass the time to see if the new antidepressants take effect. Even when I'm out with my friends laughing and having a bit of fun, I still have this feeling deep down that there is something terribly wrong with me.

I have no appetite and I've lost of bit of weight, although the weight was gained on Remeron a few years ago. I haven't been to the gym in over a month. I used to go 4 times a week. I always thought that I had more control over this than I do and I thought if I could just get the right combination of exercise, nutrition, sleep, the right self-esteem exercises, etc, then everything would fall into place. Then I crashed. I'm so tired of trying so hard and not getting anywhere. There is no one on the face of the planet who has worked harder than me at not being depressed and I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of just functioning and being miserable inside. I'm tired of putting on an act. It's obvious a lot of it is biological with me and none of those things is going to work if I can't get the right drugs in me.

I've hit rock bottom and I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me. My doctor seems to think I'll be back to work fairly soon, but I don't feel anywhere near improvement. Sometimes I don't know if I'm adequately expressing myself when I see her so I just typed up a list 4 pages long of some things I haven't told her, and more details about some things I have told her and I'm going to give them to her at my next appointment. I see her once a week right now.

She said best case scenario the drugs start working in a few weeks. If they don't we will try something else. I'm so tired. I don't want to get back to where I was (functioning but miserable). I want to be better than that. I can't take feeling like this anymore.

I feel like I may have ruined my life by taking time off work and that they won't want me back. I have a good health plan and I'm in a union, but I still can't shake the feeling. I feel guilty because I feel like I've let them down.

I've been sleeping ok since I've been off, but the last couple of nights I haven't slept so well and I'm worried because sleep has always been a big issue for me. My doctor says not to worry that there's lots of things I haven't tried but I am losing hope. I'm so scared.

I'm sorry this post has been so long but it has helped to write these things down. And thank you if you have read it all the way through.

Last edited by mycatwillow; 07-24-2007 at 04:12 AM. Reason: Removed some personal information

 
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Old 06-10-2007, 04:26 PM   #2
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Crashed

The med game is definatly no fun to play and a lot of people here have played it. Unfortunately there is no definate way to find the one that works for you or even the right combo. This you can not control but the rest of your difficulties you do. The issue surrounding relationships is messing with you know but as time passes it begins to past as done the pain and before you know it your back in the race again. Most self esteem issues are based in childhood and usually what one of our parents or sibling has said. That feeling at the bottom of your gut that something is wrong is depression and anxiety at work. The time off of work seems to be bothering you, I would imagine your employer would want someone who is confident and enthusiastic over the one who is just getting by. The majority of people will not care why you were gone but they will care if your happy and healthy. I have been off for almost three years and according to my doctor I am not going back anytime in the near future. Sannah is more than likely going to find you and if you get real lucky Sannah and Dakota will find your post. When they do listen carefully they are really good at this type of post, a lot better than I am

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 06-11-2007, 05:19 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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mycatwillow HB User
Re: Crashed

Thank you.

 
Old 06-11-2007, 06:51 AM   #4
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Crashed

hi willow,

1. congrats on turning 39, and happy birthday to you!!!

2. there's nothing "wrong" or "terribly wrong" with you. all you're going through, and all you're describing--all these issues, and symptoms are from the depression. they are not from YOU. it sounds like clinical/severe depression, which i also suffer from, so, in a manner of speaking, i can identify with you and believe me when i say that i truly empathize. mine started in my early 20's and hasn't "let up" since. the first medication that ever worked for me was effexor. i always say it saved my life. i don't know where i'd be now were it not for that psychiatrist who saw exactly what i needed and placed me on this med. you've probably heard that for these AD's (antidepressants) to take effect you MUST give them at least 4-6 weeks, if not more, to fully enter your system, and to fully do their "job."

3. do not feel guilty or bad because you had to take time off of work to benefit your health. you should know (being a supervisor in a hospital is no easy job!!!!) that the brain is also an organ, like the lungs, the heart, the kidneys, etc. it needs what it needs to "get better," or to at least get back to functioning the way it did. taking time for health matters is not something you should feel guilty about, it's something you should think positively about, because without health, willow, we have nothing!!!

4. you've been going through many stresses lately: work, your friend committing suicide, and problems with your long distance relationship. ANYBODY in the world would feel horrible because of these things. it's normal. the relationship part is (as i see it) a major reason for you "crashing", or at least the straw that broke the camel's back... these kinds of stressors alwasy are!! i don't know about you, but i know about myself and other women out there, but when we're at this juncture in our lives--30's and so on, we start thinking "what if?..." i know, because the same exact thing has been happening to me, and i've only very recently managed to turn some events in my favor, in that respect, so to speak (i'm 36 by the way, and i can't believe i'll be 37 in four months!!!!). i've tried before with other men, but i always thought who would be able to put up with my depression and the hell i go through from time to time where i can't even stand myself, let alone having someone else stand me. (and this thought has not been mine, mind you--it came from all the guys sort of just leaving me, you know, especially when they realized they could do nothing to "help me"--not that i ever asked them to, and on the contrary, i've always told them that there was nothing they could've done anyway....and the older i'm getting the more terrifying the idea has been/is...of being alone in old age, of not being able to have a family of my own, etc. all of this is to let you know you're definitely NOT alone in what you feel--in this respect.

5. besides taking medications since my 20's, i've also been to therapy, off and on throughout that time. therapy has been good and IS good. most of the people on these boards here, besides taking meds are also going to counseling. for a while (before i changed to my current therapist), i was seeing my psychiatrist for therapy as well. all i can say is that this experience left much to be desired, because these doctors (although i very much admire them, since without the one who gave me my life back, i would not be here now) are not trained--i mean fully and completely trained in how to deal with patients with deep issues. of course, they have an understanding of them, but they just don't have that "specific know-how" in terms of teaching the patient ways to cope with the world... a therapist on the other hand is most qualified in doing just that. they will be able to listen to all of our concerns, and they have the right tools and that "know how" in how to draw things out, deal with them (even if these things go back to our childhood), give us feedback on them, and point us in the right direction. and, since you've got quite a lot of significant losses in your life at this point (besides inner feelings of worthlessness and guilt, and the feeling that something's "wrong" with you), i believe in my heart that you can really benefit from finding a good therapist to talk to.

willow, you need to vent (you can always come here and vent your heart out--that's what we all do here--even if we're on meds, and even if we go to therapy ); but, you need to let all that blackness and darkness and heaviness out; you've got to talk about it; maybe you need to learn some things that you may not even know you lack (e.g., some newer coping skills)... i just know that going somewhere once or twice a week (the therapist's office) and talking about my issues and my problems (since friends only know so much and can offer only so much support), is a wonderful thing that i am doing just for me. in that place, i know that i will not be judged, criticized, put down for my feelings (oh, you have nothing to be depressed about...look at the kids dying of cancer in the hospital wards--my mother used to say), or made to feel as if you're weird, or that something's wrong with you.

you're going through this period of time now that you need to reach out to ALL the the help and assistance that is available to you out there. this is not weakness speaking, this is being strong, willow. and you are strong. if you've dealt with this for most of your life, you can put in a little more effort and deal with it a bit more. it's ok. it will be ok. you are the one in control here, and nobody else. and the more you learn you're in control, the less horrible you'll feel (but stick with the medication too).

i hope sannah will see your post, because she is very good at dealing with issues that stem from the past, as well as dealing with the "now," and helping people step by step in realizing things by themselves. she's helped me and lots of other people on this board.

please write more about you--if you feel you want to, that is. and please KNOW there IS HOPE, willow!

fondly,
dakota
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-11-2007, 06:56 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 1,464
Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Crashed

wow T,
thanks so much!! you are so sweet. i didn't really know you'd think about me that way. thanks T. bless your lil heart!!
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-11-2007, 10:44 AM   #6
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 263
jujubeez725 HB User
Re: Crashed

Quote:
Originally Posted by mycatwillow View Post
Hi everybody,

I've been reading this site off and on and I've finally decided to post.

I'm in a bad way right now. I think I've been depressed/anxious pretty much my entire life. I've been in and out of therapy and on antidepressants for 10 years now. Tried them a couple of times before that but I was resistant because I figured I should be able to handle things myself. Plus about 14 years ago my doctor put me on stress leave for 3 weeks. I didn't think I was stressed, I just couldn't sleep. But I did it and swore I would never do it again because I thought everyone looked at me differently after that. Then 10 years ago I finally had to admit that something was definitely wrong with me and I've been fighting it ever since.

I'll be 39 years old in a couple of weeks, and in all those years I've felt ok to good for maybe 2 of them. The rest of the time I was either miserable, or not so miserable, but I wouldn't say good either. I am currently trying my 13th new antidepressant, Effexor. For the 2 years I felt ok I was on Remeron and then Remeron with Trazodone when the Remeron stopped working. Prior to that no other drugs helped much, and if they did they didn't for very long.

I would say in early 2005 the combination of Remeron and Trazodone stopped working as well because I wasn't feeling great. As time went by I felt worse and worse. I didn't do anything about it because I was still sleeping despite all the stress I was facing at work (I'm an administrative assistant/supervisor at a hospital). Then a lot of things happened. Just over a year ago a good friend of mine committed suicide and a long distance relationship I was trying to make a go of ended. This guy is the only guy I've ever truly loved. I held out hope for a year that something could still happen, but he came to visit recently (since he's from the same city as me and I've known him for many years) and I realized it would never happen. I also realized he has some major issues and is not even good for me, so I thought I was finally free. But when he left there was this huge letdown and all of a sudden I started thinking I would never see him again.

That's when I crashed. I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and she put me off work, which I find absolutely humiliating. I haven't been pulling my weight at work for a long time. I can't concentrate and all I can do is think about how miserable I am. I'm always so terrified of making a mistake. Even though I've always had good evaluations I've always felt like a fraud. I have friends, and I don't know why. I have a hard time with guys because I'm so terrified of rejection. And now that I know what being in love really does to me, I'm never going to set myself up for that kind of hurt again.

My friends tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't see it. At best I think I'm cute, but only when every single hair is in place. I think I'm boring and worthless and have nothing to offer anyone. I think I've always been like this. Even as a little kid I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I spend most of my time in bed or on my couch these days. I try to get out and do something for a bit every day, with friends if possible, so that I don't go crazy here in my apartment by myself. But nothing really interests me anymore. Everything I do is to pass the time to see if the new antidepressants take effect. Even when I'm out with my friends laughing and having a bit of fun, I still have this feeling deep down that there is something terribly wrong with me.

I have no appetite and I've lost of bit of weight, although the weight was gained on Remeron a few years ago. I haven't been to the gym in over a month. I used to go 4 times a week. I always thought that I had more control over this than I do and I thought if I could just get the right combination of exercise, nutrition, sleep, the right self-esteem exercises, etc, then everything would fall into place. Then I crashed. I'm so tired of trying so hard and not getting anywhere. There is no one on the face of the planet who has worked harder than me at not being depressed and I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of just functioning and being miserable inside. I'm tired of putting on an act. It's obvious a lot of it is biological with me and none of those things is going to work if I can't get the right drugs in me.

I've hit rock bottom and I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me. My doctor seems to think I'll be back to work fairly soon, but I don't feel anywhere near improvement. Sometimes I don't know if I'm adequately expressing myself when I see her so I just typed up a list 4 pages long of some things I haven't told her, and more details about some things I have told her and I'm going to give them to her at my next appointment. I see her once a week right now.

She said best case scenario the drugs start working in a few weeks. If they don't we will try something else. I'm so tired. I don't want to get back to where I was (functioning but miserable). I want to be better than that. I can't take feeling like this anymore.

I feel like I may have ruined my life by taking time off work and that they won't want me back. I have a good health plan and I'm in a union, but I still can't shake the feeling. I feel guilty because I feel like I've let them down.

I've been sleeping ok since I've been off, but the last couple of nights I haven't slept so well and I'm worried because sleep has always been a big issue for me. My doctor says not to worry that there's lots of things I haven't tried but I am losing hope. I'm so scared.

I'm sorry this post has been so long but it has helped to write these things down. And thank you if you have read it all the way through.
You've been through some super-trauma!

I'm sure you DO feel tired, like you've nothing more to give.

Please continue your appointments with your doctor and don't even worry about your job. You're NOT letting them down. One thing we all know about work: someone's going to pick up your workload, and the job will go on.

Your health, on the other hand, will not improve if you don't take care of yourself.
There's only ONE you, and you must do all you can to make yourself better.

 
Old 06-11-2007, 01:53 PM   #7
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positivity17 HB User
Re: Crashed

As I was reading what you wrote I identified so much with almost all of it. I, too, am 39 years old and have been on an endless amount of medications, having had 3 good sporadic years; one with effexor, one with lithium and one with neuronton. After a while the medications stop being effective. I was hospitalized for the first time in October which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I actually got a lot of help out of the experience. I'm back to being the lab rat trying new medications, its frustrating. Living with depression is difficult, do what you can to get you through the tough times, try to be gentle with yourself, just hang in there!!!

 
Old 06-11-2007, 05:51 PM   #8
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 267
mycatwillow HB User
Re: Crashed

Thanks for all your comments, especially you Dakota, I never thought a stranger would care enough to put that much effort into a reply.

I have had therapy and although it has helped in the past, there are only so many ways people can tell you to think positive. I actually gave it one more shot a few months ago, but basically everything the guy told me I knew. I've read all the books, including the David Burns book "Feeling Good". That one I've read several times. Just about every therapist/doctor I've ever been to has asked me if I've read it. My psychiatrist has me reading one about mindfulness and meditation, which seems good. I do meditate and it seems to help a little, but because I have such a hard time concentrating it never lasts which is very frustrating.

As for relationships, I've actually never had one serious enough where I got to the point of telling them about the depression because I think I put off a "don't get too close" kind of vibe because I just can't handle rejection. And look what happened when I did let someone in. Part of me thinks the guys a bit of an idiot, but part of me thinks I'm just not good enough for him.

And Positivity, I came very close to being hospitalized the night I "crashed". I came home from work one day and called a friend in tears because I just didn't know what to do. She made me call my family doctor's office, and luckily she happened to be the one on call and she called in a prescription for Clonazepam for me and told me to have someone come spend the night or go to the hospital. The Conazepam helped calm me down and my friend didn't come spend the night but we stayed on the phone. Then I called one of the girls I worked with and told her I wouldn't be in the next day and I didn't know when I would be back. She's very understanding because she knows what's going on with me. Anyway, I was very resistant to going to the hospital because so many people know me, and as much as things are supposed to be confidential people do talk. Of course once I got in to see my psychiatrist she made me realize that since the alternative may be that I would be dead then avoiding the hospital was kind of silly. So if I get to that point again (and a few times it's been pretty close) I will go.

I have to say that work has been pretty supportive. I told my coworker, my boss, and my manager and they are all very understanding. I suppose that's a good thing about working in a hospital. And my manager actually told me that she was off for a year for the same thing when she was my age. But I can't shake that guilt feeling. My friend says that probably won't go away until the AD's start working, but the more this goes on I think the less guilty I'll feel just because of the fact that I want to get better so badly.

Anyway, thanks again for your support. I'm so glad I decided to post.

 
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