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Old 06-11-2007, 01:11 AM   #1
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pucca_chick HB User
Unhappy i cant even see the end

i hate this. its 8:00 in th morning, its a nice day, but im down again, i can feel myself plummeting as i type

why is everything soooo bloody empty, there is nothing. this feels like ive been sat in a white room, with no doors or windows or sound or smell or touch or anything for 1 million years.

why is everyone so sure this will end?? my doc once said that maybe this isnt something ill grow out of-but something i can learn to manage. but then just the other flippin day she says'yes, i definatley think this will end', ever get the feeling that people are treating the 'medical diagnosis' instead of YOU. Ill try and explain. before i got this diagnosis, even when my feelings and symptoms were the same, they treated me differently, they were all for CBT and all, now though that its changed, im still the same myself but CBT isnt mentioned and suddenly everything i say thats wrong just goes against my diagnosis and people arent as willing to listen because its just irrelevant now.

it feels like ive been put in a box, i may not have an illness, and now they seemed to have ruled everything out, symptoms that before would be significant and make them sit up and listen now dont matter because there is nothing wrong with me. so how long am i just going to keep going and going. god it seems ages.

i worry because, even before therapy and all, i tried some of the things suggested, i have really really tried changing me, even as young as 14/15 yrs old. but i cant, its sooo confusing. sometimes physical feelings of anxiousness and the depressing despair feelings just take over, its like i can actually physically feel it, its not very nice and i feel paralized to do anything.

today maybe ill start on the letter to my inner child. i ****ing hate doing this, its horrible, i wish i could skip the middle and just be better even if i do work through therapy, im bound to still be a bit 'off', theres just too much to fix.

xox
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Old 06-11-2007, 03:32 AM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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ryan33 HB User
Re: i cant even see the end

Quote:
Originally Posted by pucca_chick View Post
i hate this. its 8:00 in th morning, its a nice day, but im down again, i can feel myself plummeting as i type

why is everything soooo bloody empty, there is nothing. this feels like ive been sat in a white room, with no doors or windows or sound or smell or touch or anything for 1 million years.

why is everyone so sure this will end?? my doc once said that maybe this isnt something ill grow out of-but something i can learn to manage. but then just the other flippin day she says'yes, i definatley think this will end', ever get the feeling that people are treating the 'medical diagnosis' instead of YOU. Ill try and explain. before i got this diagnosis, even when my feelings and symptoms were the same, they treated me differently, they were all for CBT and all, now though that its changed, im still the same myself but CBT isnt mentioned and suddenly everything i say thats wrong just goes against my diagnosis and people arent as willing to listen because its just irrelevant now.

it feels like ive been put in a box, i may not have an illness, and now they seemed to have ruled everything out, symptoms that before would be significant and make them sit up and listen now dont matter because there is nothing wrong with me. so how long am i just going to keep going and going. god it seems ages.

i worry because, even before therapy and all, i tried some of the things suggested, i have really really tried changing me, even as young as 14/15 yrs old. but i cant, its sooo confusing. sometimes physical feelings of anxiousness and the depressing despair feelings just take over, its like i can actually physically feel it, its not very nice and i feel paralized to do anything.

today maybe ill start on the letter to my inner child. i ****ing hate doing this, its horrible, i wish i could skip the middle and just be better even if i do work through therapy, im bound to still be a bit 'off', theres just too much to fix.

xox
You're going to be ok. If you don't mind me quoting you.."could skip the middle and just be better." Many just want it to end. I was that way, just end it. Just reading your post changed my mind a bit.

You want to get better and that is so important. You have to want to get better and you do. As bad as some may read your post, it helped me tonight. It made me think...so simple but yet so difficult.

You said it..you have to want to get better...


Thank you. I know it... but it's nice to read it again as well.

Best wishes and we'll all hear from you soon...


Also, there is never too much to fix, never... I thought the same thing. Take them down one at a time. When you take care of one, each other becomes easier.

You have friends here, so never give up. As much as it seems to suck, the people here are kind of great and won't let you go.

When I feel like crap or not posting about my deal, I read just to know this is a place people understand and are willing to help if asked.

Last edited by ryan33; 06-11-2007 at 03:45 AM. Reason: more i wanted to say

 
Old 06-11-2007, 08:51 AM   #3
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: i cant even see the end

[QUOTE=pucca_chick;3037207[QUOTE]before i got this diagnosis, even when my feelings and symptoms were the same, they treated me differently, they were all for CBT and all, now though that its changed, im still the same myself but CBT isnt mentioned and suddenly everything i say thats wrong just goes against my diagnosis and people arent as willing to listen because its just irrelevant now.[QUOTE]

but chicka,
you're still working with keira, right? it means you're STILL doing the "therapy" work in there. it hasn't stopped. and i would like you to please, please stop looking for reasons for thinking that now "they're treating you differently." who are "they" anyway, who are these "people unwilling to listen"? i don't think keira treats you any differently, right?? it's really time to let go of ALL the others now, chicka, for real!!!!! and what do you think that cognitive behavioral therapy really is anyway? don't you think that keira is using some concepts from cbt on you in your sessions? of course she is.


i worry because, even before therapy and all, i tried some of the things suggested, i have really really tried changing me, even as young as 14/15 yrs old. but i cant, its sooo confusing. sometimes physical feelings of anxiousness and the depressing despair feelings just take over, its like i can actually physically feel it, its not very nice and i feel paralized to do anything

But that's why you were prescribed the inderal, chicka!!!! for those anxious feelings. and the drug must be taken daily. did you start it yet? also, as long as you take this drug (i don't know if your drs told you this, but i will tell you again, even if they did, you have to check your pulse (you know, by your wrist, before you take your pill-- not now, since you just started it, but maybe a month or so from now--since this inderal is a benzodiazepine and it is likely to lower your pulse sometimes, if you accidentally take more than needed. so, make sure your pulse does not go below 50 beats per minute (try to find the spot by your wrist where you feel the pulse beating slightly, and then look at a clock or watch that has seconds on it, and count out the beats for only one minute). if the pulse goes below 50, call your gp as soon as possible!!!! so please, please, make sure you take it at the same time everyday, and if it's past two hours from the time you should take it, DO NOT take it, instead wait for the next time of the day you're scheduled to take it, and take it then. ok???? this drug should have an effect right away. sometimes it may take a week, but in general all benzos have a calming effect right away. all i've said up there was not to scare you, but to inform you, because i think the more informed we are, the better equipped we are in how to deal with our bodies and our lives. ok?[/


today maybe ill start on the letter to my inner child. i ****ing hate doing this, its horrible, i wish i could skip the middle and just be better even if i do work through therapy, im bound to still be a bit 'off', theres just too much to fix.xox

it's ok, chicka. you can do it. and tomorrow, when you see keira, you can talk about it with her. like we've said before, remember?--therapy isn't easy...if it was, anybody would just love going in there all the time. but you've been reading other people's posts on here and you've seen how difficult it's been with people to go to see their therapists. some days will be better, but some days will bring out things that may make you feel a bit bad, but everything is ok--all this is normal. i can't begin to tell you how many times i've spent the whole sessions in there just crying my head off (and sannah, i believe, said something to that effect too), and how many times i've walked out feeling worse than when i walked in. it's just how therapy works. it brings out things to the forefront of our minds that we've been burried deep in the back of our minds and that we prefer not to think about at all. but thinking about them and bringing them out is the first step in confronting them, and realizing WE have THE POWER over them, not the other way around. you understand what i'm saying? i know you do, because you're smart, and strong, and good, and sweet, and all the other wonderful qualities i've always thought about you.

about ryan--look, you've given him some hope. even though YOU weren't feeling very well last night, you actually gave another person some hope, and he thanked you for it. now, how do you feel about that, knowing that your experience has helped someone else see life a bit differently than they were up until they've read your post?

ryan, you are great!!! i'm so glad you've chosen to see some hope for yourself too. and ryan, you were so right when you said, there is never too much to fix, never...them down one at a time. When you take care of one, each other becomes easier. that's the idea, ryan and chicka
.

you've got it.!!!!

hugs to you both!!!!
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Old 06-11-2007, 10:33 AM   #4
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jujubeez725 HB User
Re: i cant even see the end

P/Chic,

The best way to get through what you're going through is to work on it--through and through without shortcuts.

It all comes together--this is part of your "growing pains".

It hurts, but you'll learn and you'll grow from it.

It's hard, it may seem to be a long road, but you've got to walk it. You've got to encourage yourself to get through it... and if you can't encourage yourself, I'll encourage you!

Repeat this, Pucca:

I will get through this. No matter how long it takes, no matter how difficult I feel the task is, I will get through this.
I am determined to make it; I will face the thing that I fear most and confront it, deal with it, and triumph over it.

I have a life and a good life; I am a winner and I will conquer this thing.

Pucca, I know you'll make it! I know you can do this! When all doesn't go your way, just think of this as a few people in your corner cheering for you.

 
Old 06-11-2007, 11:19 AM   #5
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even_sly HB User
Re: i cant even see the end

Sounds like you need something different, p_chick. You sound just like me... As close as a year ago. For more than 10 years I felt like that... Like nothing was ever going to work. So I tried something different. Transpersonal counseling... It's a form of working on the mind, body and spirit. Sometimes therapists just work on the mind... But the body and spirit sometimes need work too.

For example, by exercising you're working on the body. But exercise creates endorphins, which make you feel good. In other words, exercise isn't just for the body... But the mind, too.

By spirit, I don't mean going to church (although if that's something you do, that's cool). I mean working on "you." The spirit inside you... The "real" you. There's many ways to do that... I read Kabbalah, practice Yoga and am studying to be a Reiki master. All things that work on your spirit...

I know that not everyone is "into" this type of stuff. And it may not work for you and you may not even be interested in it. All I can tell you is it works for me. And I did years and years of CBT... You name it. Everyone seemed to want to treat my depression/anxiety/OCD with a band aid... Only to see it all "open up" again and need another one.

Now it's all about actual healing for me... Not a continuous band aid. Just my thoughts... If you want to know more about all this, you can PM me. If not... You won't hurt my feelings or something. NO WAY! Just wanted to put this all out there, though for you.

Hope you're feeling better... ~ Sly
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Old 06-11-2007, 11:22 AM   #6
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even_sly HB User
Re: i cant even see the end

Oh and what juju said? Repeating a positive mantra? That's part of what I do too. I really feel it works.

And what Dakota said IMO, works good too. Keep going... Therapy isn't easy. I know that many times when I left my therapists office, I felt awful... Like "what's the point?" But as time went on, I found out what the point is! No one can really give you an answer... You have to get there on your own. And it DOES suck. Just hang in there... I mean, stick with it. It's WORTH IT.

((((((((((((((p_chick))))))))))))))))
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"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~ Lao Tzu

 
Old 06-11-2007, 07:43 PM   #7
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: i cant even see the end

Hi Kerry,
The more you post, the more I see girl that you really do want to get better!! And you will!!! Because no matter what, no matter when something goes wrong, you pick yourself up and keep on going. When you were young, you had no control over what was happening to you, but you do now! So that's why working on these problems with Keira, will eventually help you, and there will be an end to this for you, I just know it!! You just hang in there!! And writing that letter, is a great idea. You dont see it, but I think you're a very strong spirit Kerry....and like Dakota, says even when you were feeling down you were able to help Ryan feel better. That's what support is all about.
Keep on going Kerry, you can do it!!!

Your friend,
Carsam

 
Old 06-11-2007, 08:02 PM   #8
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: i cant even see the end

Kerry, you put all of your eggs in the doc basket and now you don't like what they are saying. I never thought that you ever needed to put so many eggs in the doc basket. IMO, therapy what was going to get you anywhere. If you don't like what the docs are saying stop putting all of your hopes in them and put your hopes in yourself.

You know that you need to do that inner child work and how you feel about it is holding you back. Kerry, this stuff is the ticket and if you put the work in you WILL get better. You feel empty because you need to do this work in order to get your feelings back. Please get started Kerry....

 
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