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Old 06-11-2007, 09:41 PM   #1
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This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

So I'm not some bitchy emo kid. My parents really do run me around ragged.

I hope the word "bitchy" is ok.

Anyway, so I changed majors from marketing to psychology. I wrote about the reason why in some other post(s). In as short a story as I can write, I wanted to major in psychology in the first place. Then I was pressured into choosing marketing because my parents care more about me making money (kind of a good and bad thing). Then I started doing poorly in the math-oriented business courses (finance, accounting, stats) which had nothing to do with what I wanted anyway. And I'm not talking C's, I'm talking D's and F's. In college. Yeah, that's not a good thing. So for one thing, I was depressed about the grades, and depressed that I may never excel in the business world and may end up being some average shmo working under someone for the rest of my life and never being happy with my life choices.

I was also depressed, because I didn't feel marketing gave me what I wanted out of life. No offense to current marketing majors, but I just felt that what I would have as a career didn't necessarily do anything significant for the world. I was thinking that while other people would be finding the cure for AIDS and yet others would be finding alternative energy sources to solve the world's pollution problems, I would be making entertaining television commercials. SO, I finally broke down and told my parents what was up. I didn't let out as much of my feelings as I did just now, but I did when I spoke to my girlfriend about it. Anyway, I stayed persistent with my decision no matter what my parents said, because I'm not making the same mistake twice, and eventually they came around. I'm finally a psychology major!

The problem is, however, that I was planning on staying in New York because I had a marketing internship lined up. Of course, these plans changed and I was in New York for the summer with no job. So after my parents went back to Pittsburgh (they visited for my sister's graduation), I looked for part-time work. I went to restaurants, the mall, random stores, everywhere. I used up three or four tanks of gas just looking for jobs. As this was going on, I was running out of money. My dad visited a week or two later, and gave me just a handful of cash, and told me to hang in there.

Now, while my parents were here, I told them that I should look at psychology internships, at halfway houses or hospitals or what have you. My mother said, and I quote, "Don't worry about that yet. You can do that in the fall and winter. Just make money this summer." Remember that quote.

So for a while, I was completely lost and wondering what I was going to do. I finally resorted to working in the security swipe booths (in the dorms) at my school. They don't pay much, but in an 8-hour shift you can make about $50. So I'm still doing that. But a couple weeks ago, the ONE job I got was at a day camp that I applied to just on a whim. It was a last resort, but I got the job, and I was ecstatic. I knew about the job, because my girlfriend works there (I know, I know) and I know that it's the highest paying camp in Long Island. It's extremely expensive for campers, so very rich kids go there, and the tips are ridiculously high (the Long Island moms compete). So I was extremely happy about this.

I pretty much knew I shouldn't tell anyone in my family about the job, but my girlfriend said I should because it was exciting, so I did, and of COURSE the first question was "Is this (your girlfriend's) camp?" I reluctantly said "yes" and however much excitement my mom had for my new job just went right out the window.

"(keyboardplaya's real name), do NOT take that job. Get a real job, and get one that pays a LOT. How much does the camp pay? You would make much more at a real job. And you should do something that has more to do with your major. When they ask for your experience, you can't say 'caaaaaaaaaaamp.' I know of some great volunteer places in Pittsburgh that you'd like."

First of all, one of the most respected professors in the psychology department told me day camps were good places for experience, either those or halfway houses. So I guess it's better to take day camps, because I get paid. Secondly, if I take a volunteer position, I will get more relevant experience, but NO money. Thirdly, I already spent an entire summer in Pittsburgh LAST year without my girlfriend, and I will NEVER EVER EVER do that again, to her OR to myself. Fourth, I make more per hour at a "real" job, but I don't work everyday unless I live in a utopia and I get as many shifts as I want. Plus, if I get a certain amount of money each two weeks, that money will be gone as soon as I get it. At the camp job, I get at least $2000, ALL at once. And lastly, my mom was completely contradicting her statement about me just making money.

I knew that I wouldn't get any of that money until the end of the summer, or at least until the end of the first four weeks. But I felt it was the best choice at the time, and it still is. Over the weekends, I figured I could still work in the security booths. I was worried about paying for gas to drive there (it's about 45 minutes away), but I found a carpool buddy who lives near my school. So that gets rid of that problem, which my mother also mentioned ("I'm not paying for wear and tear on MY car!"). I will also note that jobs at this camp are HIGHLY competitive, so if I was taking this job solely to be with my girlfriend, I would've applied in October, not on May 31st. I'll hardly even see her there anyway. There are a couple hundred kids just in my age division.

Also, my mom is choosing not to pay for my third month of rent, possibly because of this decision. Some of you might say "well my parents didn't pay my rent either," but in most of those cases you had time to prepare. I have near nothing right now in my bank account, and suddenly I have to pay $600 in August. That's another good reason to have this camp job. I most likely won't have that kind of money on the first of the month, but even if my parents end up paying my rent, I can definitely pay them the $600 back after camp ends.

Anyway, I told her that I would just look for other jobs and not take the camp position, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right? So today I just went to the first camp orientation. The second orientation is next Monday, and I'm going. I called my mom saying that I was working in the security booths from 4pm to midnight, so I couldn't have my cell phone on. She told me that a letter came in the mail saying that I lost my scholarship (obviously because those business courses brought my GPA down dramatically). So she did that thing where she tries to act more upset than me, as if I'm not affected at all by losing MY scholarship. But I just figured, okay, she's upset and it'll pass. So I obviously didn't break the camp job to her yet, but I'm starting to panic.

For now, I'll just keep saying I have work in the booths. And when the actual camp session starts, five days a week, I'll say the new schedule came out and I got permanent shifts for the summer. That's the best I can come up with for now. But eventually, I just know I'll have to tell her somehow. And to a point, I'm not scared. But this attitude has been changing recently, because my parents have been reacting much more strictly to my standoffishness. Let's just say, they've almost taken my car away for the entire summer (telling me to walk to work if I have to) and ended up calling public safety when I refused to listen to them. I will not go into any detail on this, since I'm still quite upset about it, but I will say it is another instance of my family refusing to understand how I feel about anything. It is simply my two parents talking right in front of me about how I have "problems" and need to see someone, just as they always say.

Again, I'm not doing drugs, or doing anything physical to anyone, or blowing all of their money on clothes, or threatening them. I'm simply telling them "no, I'm in my twenties, and this is my decision, and I feel it's the best way to do things." I'm not letting my parents tell me I can't even WORK where I want to. It's a constant guilt trip with them, telling me that it's THEIR decision too. My mother has told me I HAVE to end up in New York (before I even started going to school here), because "what I want DOES matter." Whatever decision I make has to reflect that SHE'S spending money, or that SHE'S unsatisfied.

My point is this. I understand the whole doctrine of honoring and respecting one's parents. And I honestly do try. I'm not a jaded teenager who thinks everything revolves around me. I'm trying to become just as reponsible as everyone else. I'm trying to become an independent man who doesn't always have to do what mommy tells him to do. Especially for people in this depression thread, we all know that life is extremely difficult just on its own. We already struggle as human beings, so do our parents REALLY need to make it this much harder? This isn't even a question of my parents needing certain things from me. This is just my parents purposefully taking any anger they have out on me, and making my already stressful life as mind-numbing as possible.

Yes, they're stressed trying to pay for college, and yes they miss me, but they have to realize that they were in my place too at one time. And they either didn't do what their parents said to do, or ended up regretting any time they did. And they could try just trusting me for once and be relaxed, knowing that I'm trying my best, instead of treating me like I'm incapable of anything, and taking their paranoia out on me.

Do you guys have any comments or words of guidance?

Last edited by keyboardplaya; 06-11-2007 at 09:42 PM.

 
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Old 06-12-2007, 06:15 AM   #2
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

hey key,

i think you should print this and send it to them. take out some stuff you said about them, but this really shows how you feel in a very respectful and nice way!!!

i'll write more when i'm back.
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-12-2007, 07:53 AM   #3
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

K.boards,

I noticed that your mom did say she wanted you to make money over the summer. Now that you've done that at your g/f's camp, it seems to me, once she found out it WAS at her camp, she changed her stance.

So, how does your mother and g/f get along? Mother sounds like she's feels your g/f is influencing you over what your parents want, thus adding to the conflict.

Parents sometimes live their lives and their wishes through their children. It's not fair, it's not right, but they do it.
In your case, your parents are telling you if you DON'T do what they want, they will take away your car and make you walk. This is a control ploy.

They want you to work where THEY want you to work; they want you to major in what THEY want you to major in -- all because they're paying for your education.

To me, it's a waste of money to pay for something your child really isn't interested in anyway. Let them make the decision and encourage them to excel in what they like. Makes a lot of sense, right?

Bottom line, K.boards, as long as your parents control the money, they will want to control YOU. I've seen this up close and personal, and the end result of this type of situation is this:

either the parents will alienate their kids; or the kids will go along with pleasing the parents, and later, wind up resenting the parents because they were controlled.

I think you should go and tell your parents you are working at the camp and you're making good money [and be sure to quote your mother's words and say] "...just like you told me to, Mom!" Don't hide it because they'll find out, just like that scholarship letter. Anything can happen!
Pay your own rent if you can. If your parents pay it, be sure to pay them back.
But at this point, you really do have to cut the purse strings because your parents are using it to control you and it's making you miserable.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 10:25 AM   #4
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Dakota: My girlfriend has also recommended writing a letter to my parents, on many occasions when they've upset me, or when we've been having feuds with each other. What you have to understand, is that my parents are two very different people. In a nutshell, my dad talks too little, and my mom talks too much. My dad and I have gone through two-hour car rides without saying a SINGLE word. He's one of those fathers who likes to speak in one-word answers and grunts. My mother, on the other hand, talks so much that you can't get in one word about how YOU feel. Not only that, but she's so emotional that as a guy, I just can't feel comfortable around her. She also has no way of connecting with me as a son. She'll say stupid things such as "They're going to be talking about kids who got picked on in high school on Oprah. You should watch." Thankfully, this has recently been said over the phone, so I just hold the phone away from me as she goes into more detail about this woman that she thinks knows anything about anything.

I'm going on a tangent now, but I just don't trust people like Oprah or Dr. Phil or Maury Povich. No, they don't know anything about half the issues they discuss on their shows, and no parent should take any advice from them. That's also a reason why I tend not to read books about such things as depression. I remember in middle school, my mom would tell me "I read in a book that kids who get picked on tend to walk a certain way. Maybe you should walk more confidently, and people will respect you more." Yeah, keep hoping for that to work. Not only does my being a male make it impossible for me to trust talk shows, but these people truly don't know anything.

But yeah, that's the way my mom is. Plus, anytime I've opened up to her, it's only led to mockery or other such things. As I've posted in other threads, she's said things like "what are you depressed or something?" or "are you on drugs?" She's even asked my father those things, while I was standing right there. I was even reluctant to tell her I have a girlfriend. And just as I expected, she assumes that my girlfriend is the reason I am the way I am.

Which leads me to Jujubeez's post...

Jujubeez: First, I must mention that my mom DOES NOT get along with her mother-in-law. My dad's mother did not want the two of them to get married, and my mother still tries to avoid being around her. I'm not going to tell that whole story though. But I'm just saying that my mother has been in that situation.

That being said, my mom always says that my girlfriend is a very nice girl, and that she's happy for me. But there's always a "but" to go along with that. It's always "She such a nice girl and I'm happy for you, BUT, you have to be careful" or "...but I worry about you" or "...but I just don't want you to get hurt." Let me tell you guys something. She's my first girlfriend. We've been going out for almost two years, and we started dating in college. We constantly talk about getting married and having kids. My parents started dating when my mother was fifteen, they were each other's firsts, and they're married now. My girlfriend's parents dated for only six months, and they're WAY more happily married than my parents ever were. So you know what? I can be paranoid that she's going to cheat on me, or dump me, or that it's not going to work out. But I'm not my mother, so instead I would just like to enjoy my life, since it's FINALLY starting to go my way.

It's a tricky thing, the way my mom feels about her. She'll say that she likes my girlfriend, but she'll also say things that are just disrespectful. I was invited to their house for Passover last year, but I spent it with my family. So this year I thought it would be nice to have Passover at their house, since they offered again. Also while my parents were here for my sister's graduation, my mother started saying that I'm distancing myself from the family (which I kind of am, but only because I don't want the negativity, and I tried explaining that to her). So she brought up that I went to my girlfriend's for Passover, and I explained that I was invited last year too, and I was just being nice. And then my mother exclaimed "well it's not like you guys are engaged or anything." So sometimes I feel as if she doesn't really like my girlfriend as much as she says. She'll also say things like "she would never do anything like that for you, I guarantee it." And when she gets mad at me for wanting to be with her, she says "you're OBSESSED! She's going to LEAVE YOU!"

So yeah, it's mixed feelings that I have about that. My girlfriend doesn't control me. That's part of the reason why I go out with her. That's the thing. Part of dealing with depression is staying in a positive environment, and I only get that in New York with my girlfriend, not with my parents or in Pittsburgh with my zero friends. I should mention that, as bad of an idea as this is, I told my girlfriend some of those things that my mother said. I only told her because she was starting to think I was overly sensitive, or that I was exaggerating my problems with my family. That's a big concern when it comes to depression or anxiety. Never act as if it's nothing. Needless to say, my girlfriend completely understands my feelings now.

I agree that college is a waste of money if you're not interested in your major, and that's why I wanted to switch to psychology.

It really IS a control ploy with them, and always has been. I have a feeling it has to do with how I was when I was very little. I was oblivious to everything that was going on around me, but so are a lot of other kids when they are little. Of course, my mom still brings up things from my childhood like that, such as the fact that I touched the stove a few more times after I was told not to. As far as I remember, it was just a surge of curiosity on my part, but regardless, it's completely unfair to use those past experience as judgement now. Perhaps they think I'm still weak and can't do things on my own. Even if that were true, their attitude will never help me get any better.

I don't know how things will end up. I think it's more likely that I'll avoid my parents as I get older, since I would consider restraining orders against them even when I was in middle school. But at the same time, I just don't know how I would be able to deal with that. I wouldn't be so much upset about not having parents. Believe me, I can deal with that. It's more an issue of making sure I don't need them at all. I mean, what about when I have kids, and I need to know my family's medical history? Stuff like that could get in the way. So I think what will probably happen, is that I will just avoid them as much as possible. I just have to wonder when I will finally have financial independence. If I could, I would pay for college by myself and buy my own house, but I guess that never happens. Maybe it was part of the control ploy to not let me work more than two days a week back in high school, so they could still pay for everything. I don't know. But I will definitely pay them back the rent, whether they accept the money or not. I'm going to start supporting myself in every way I know how.

All I know, is that I already knew about my parents' span of control years ago. So thankfully, I know what kinds of decisions NOT to make. And I realize that I will probably **** them off no matter what I do, so I may as well just do what I feel is best for me. All I have to say, is that I will think about things like this when I'm putting them in a nursing home.

Last edited by keyboardplaya; 06-12-2007 at 10:27 AM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 11:22 AM   #5
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Smile Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Quote:
Originally Posted by keyboardplaya View Post
Dakota: My girlfriend has also recommended writing a letter to my parents, on many occasions when they've upset me, or when we've been having feuds with each other. What you have to understand, is that my parents are two very different people. In a nutshell, my dad talks too little, and my mom talks too much. My dad and I have gone through two-hour car rides without saying a SINGLE word. He's one of those fathers who likes to speak in one-word answers and grunts. My mother, on the other hand, talks so much that you can't get in one word about how YOU feel. Not only that, but she's so emotional that as a guy, I just can't feel comfortable around her. She also has no way of connecting with me as a son. She'll say stupid things such as "They're going to be talking about kids who got picked on in high school on Oprah. You should watch." Thankfully, this has recently been said over the phone, so I just hold the phone away from me as she goes into more detail about this woman that she thinks knows anything about anything.

I'm going on a tangent now, but I just don't trust people like Oprah or Dr. Phil or Maury Povich. No, they don't know anything about half the issues they discuss on their shows, and no parent should take any advice from them. That's also a reason why I tend not to read books about such things as depression. I remember in middle school, my mom would tell me "I read in a book that kids who get picked on tend to walk a certain way. Maybe you should walk more confidently, and people will respect you more." Yeah, keep hoping for that to work. Not only does my being a male make it impossible for me to trust talk shows, but these people truly don't know anything.

But yeah, that's the way my mom is. Plus, anytime I've opened up to her, it's only led to mockery or other such things. As I've posted in other threads, she's said things like "what are you depressed or something?" or "are you on drugs?" She's even asked my father those things, while I was standing right there. I was even reluctant to tell her I have a girlfriend. And just as I expected, she assumes that my girlfriend is the reason I am the way I am.

Which leads me to Jujubeez's post...

Jujubeez: First, I must mention that my mom DOES NOT get along with her mother-in-law. My dad's mother did not want the two of them to get married, and my mother still tries to avoid being around her. I'm not going to tell that whole story though. But I'm just saying that my mother has been in that situation.

That being said, my mom always says that my girlfriend is a very nice girl, and that she's happy for me. But there's always a "but" to go along with that. It's always "She such a nice girl and I'm happy for you, BUT, you have to be careful" or "...but I worry about you" or "...but I just don't want you to get hurt." Let me tell you guys something. She's my first girlfriend. We've been going out for almost two years, and we started dating in college. We constantly talk about getting married and having kids. My parents started dating when my mother was fifteen, they were each other's firsts, and they're married now. My girlfriend's parents dated for only six months, and they're WAY more happily married than my parents ever were. So you know what? I can be paranoid that she's going to cheat on me, or dump me, or that it's not going to work out. But I'm not my mother, so instead I would just like to enjoy my life, since it's FINALLY starting to go my way.

It's a tricky thing, the way my mom feels about her. She'll say that she likes my girlfriend, but she'll also say things that are just disrespectful. I was invited to their house for Passover last year, but I spent it with my family. So this year I thought it would be nice to have Passover at their house, since they offered again. Also while my parents were here for my sister's graduation, my mother started saying that I'm distancing myself from the family (which I kind of am, but only because I don't want the negativity, and I tried explaining that to her). So she brought up that I went to my girlfriend's for Passover, and I explained that I was invited last year too, and I was just being nice. And then my mother exclaimed "well it's not like you guys are engaged or anything." So sometimes I feel as if she doesn't really like my girlfriend as much as she says. She'll also say things like "she would never do anything like that for you, I guarantee it." And when she gets mad at me for wanting to be with her, she says "you're OBSESSED! She's going to LEAVE YOU!"

So yeah, it's mixed feelings that I have about that. My girlfriend doesn't control me. That's part of the reason why I go out with her. That's the thing. Part of dealing with depression is staying in a positive environment, and I only get that in New York with my girlfriend, not with my parents or in Pittsburgh with my zero friends. I should mention that, as bad of an idea as this is, I told my girlfriend some of those things that my mother said. I only told her because she was starting to think I was overly sensitive, or that I was exaggerating my problems with my family. That's a big concern when it comes to depression or anxiety. Never act as if it's nothing. Needless to say, my girlfriend completely understands my feelings now.

I agree that college is a waste of money if you're not interested in your major, and that's why I wanted to switch to psychology.

It really IS a control ploy with them, and always has been. I have a feeling it has to do with how I was when I was very little. I was oblivious to everything that was going on around me, but so are a lot of other kids when they are little. Of course, my mom still brings up things from my childhood like that, such as the fact that I touched the stove a few more times after I was told not to. As far as I remember, it was just a surge of curiosity on my part, but regardless, it's completely unfair to use those past experience as judgement now. Perhaps they think I'm still weak and can't do things on my own. Even if that were true, their attitude will never help me get any better.

I don't know how things will end up. I think it's more likely that I'll avoid my parents as I get older, since I would consider restraining orders against them even when I was in middle school. But at the same time, I just don't know how I would be able to deal with that. I wouldn't be so much upset about not having parents. Believe me, I can deal with that. It's more an issue of making sure I don't need them at all. I mean, what about when I have kids, and I need to know my family's medical history? Stuff like that could get in the way. So I think what will probably happen, is that I will just avoid them as much as possible. I just have to wonder when I will finally have financial independence. If I could, I would pay for college by myself and buy my own house, but I guess that never happens. Maybe it was part of the control ploy to not let me work more than two days a week back in high school, so they could still pay for everything. I don't know. But I will definitely pay them back the rent, whether they accept the money or not. I'm going to start supporting myself in every way I know how.

All I know, is that I already knew about my parents' span of control years ago. So thankfully, I know what kinds of decisions NOT to make. And I realize that I will probably **** them off no matter what I do, so I may as well just do what I feel is best for me. All I have to say, is that I will think about things like this when I'm putting them in a nursing home.

LMBO @ "I will think about things like this when I'm putting them in a nursing home." Put 'em on a block of ice and send them sailing into the sunset among the glaciers! Ok, enough w/the laughs

Forget those talk show hosts. They are for entertainment purposes ONLY.
I never got the impression your g/f controlled you; from what you say, you just value her opinion and respect her.

IMO, your mom makes me think along these lines:

* She sounds like the baby of her family, or an only child. (If not, I'd be shocked).

* She loves control of EVERYTHING -- be it conversation, her kids' lives, her husband, etc (you already confirmed the 'control' issue. Thanks)

* Your dad is a man of few words b/c he knows she can, and will, out-talk him. He learned this a long time ago.

* Your mom is also projecting a lot of her fears and insecurities on YOU. She doesn't get along w/her mother-in-law and she fears something of the same when it comes to your g/f.

* You listen and value the opinion of your g/f. Your mom feels a loss of control over you because of your g/f. [Silly as it maybe, it does happen]. I think she may like your g/f, but, again, she's got those fears and thus you always hear: "She's a nice girl, BUT....." [as an example].

You have to live your life and your mother has to accept that fact that you are now an adult capable of making your own decisions and living your own life. She has a hard time accepting this and letting you have space to live your life.

She'll get over it.

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-12-2007 at 11:24 AM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 12:13 PM   #6
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Hi Keyboardplaya....
For sure it sounds like you have a control issue with your parents. I think you are handling it very well and you sound like a very capable person. I think though that you should be honest with them....lying to them is just a "bandaid" solution for the problem. You cant fix a problem with another wrong by lying. You are entitled to work where you want. By not telling them about the camp, you're allowing them to think that they "won", and got you to not work there....this is I think maybe "enabling" their control. I know you are doing it for "peace and quiet" by the sounds of it, and boy do I know all about that. I have done that all my life, and am now 37 years old. It's a very hard habit to break, so try to be honest with them. The more times you stick up for your rights to make your own decisions, it will sink in eventually for them.

Jujubeez: Just wanted to mention that it's not necessarily true that his mom would be the baby of her family, or an only child. Why would you think this? My mom has been a controlling figure for me all my life, and she is one of 10 children, and not the youngest. I am also an only child.....and I would never treat my son like this, I want him to live his life and be happy, and to make his own decisions when he grows up. I dont care if he works in McDonalds, or he's a brain surgeon, so long as he's happy. One thing as parents we need to do, is try and learn from our parents mistakes.....so we dont project them onwards to our own children. But life is life, there are no perfect parents, and although I'm not a control freak, I'm sure one day my son will have something to say about his "mom"....it's just nature and I hope it's at least nothing major. Just wanted to share that.......


Carsam

Last edited by mary09; 06-12-2007 at 12:21 PM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 01:14 PM   #7
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Jujubeez: Hate to break it to you, but my mom was actually a middle child. I'm a middle child too, which makes this whole mess that much more confusing. Anyway, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head when you described both of my parents. My mother thinks she knows everything and is very stubborn when it comes to that. She's also very judgmental, and used to compare me to how other kids were doing, whether they got into ivy league colleges or whatever.

I would also hear her comment on her own friends, "She thinks that Macy's is an expensive store. She obviously hasn't been to New York. It's a different mindset here. People here have no culture." I remember one time when we had a piano tuner come over (I play piano) and he was saying how our Yamaha is a good brand. He said that (I don't remember the exact number) a couple hundred thousand were sold each year. Of course, my mom knows everything, so she said "that's it?"

"Well, that's a lot for pianos."

"No, I'd expect much more than that."

"...Oh well."

She doesn't even play piano, and yet she thinks she knows everything. It's a stupid example, but very telling. Pianos last for at least two generations, so she's obviously wrong.

My dad does indeed kind of go by my mother's lead. He's one of those "go ask your mother" types, where half the times he would yell at me, he didn't even know what he was yelling about. My mother would just tell him to punish me.

As strong as she likes to think she is, she really is just an insecure person, with enough paranoia and high blood pressure to be posting on these forums. But enough about that.

Carsam: You're right about the lying, and I keep telling myself that it's stupid to be "scared" of what might happen. But I keep worrying about them taking the car away, which isn't the end of the world but will keep me from having a real job or visiting my girlfriend. It will also cost money anytime I use the bus or train.

Secondly, I am in fact doing it for the "peace and quiet." And I realize that it's wrong, but I haven't always been in this habit. It's pretty much on and off. In high school I used to hide report cards for up to a month in my closet, always saying that my grades "weren't put in yet." And there would be a moment where my mother would call the neighbors about this, and then yell up to my room, FURIOUS!

So once I started college, I was honest about absolutely everything. I even told my parents months before grades were posted that I was failing those courses. So believe me, I've tried both sides. My parents reacted much better when I was honest about my grades, I'll give you that. But as I posted in other thread(s), for everything I do right, there's always something else that they don't feel I do well enough. So now I have a "problem" with respecting my family. I'm constantly asking myself "what do they want from me?" and trying to figure out the perfect equation to get their respect for ME.

Last edited by keyboardplaya; 06-12-2007 at 01:15 PM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 04:49 PM   #8
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

hey keyboardplaya,
I really do understand your way of thinking.....I am exactly the same. Hey, I'd like to tell you that it changes as you get older, but it doesnt. Look at me, I'm 37, married with a son, and I'm still doing and saying things to "keep the peace and quiet"....because although it's frustrating as hell, it's easier than what happens if I dont. I'm really trying to make progress with it, if not for my sake, then for my husband and son. I get what you're saying about the car.....that would be lousy if you couldnt see your girlfriend. I do the same you know. I keep my mouth shut, when I really want to say something, because you see my mom looks after my son 2 days a week. So, if I say something that will send her off the deep end, I'm up the creek for my daycare situation, you know? My son is now in a preschool, so I'm happy to say that I have a backup now.....and after tonight, I just may consider putting him there full time. I get so tired of listening to it all, you know? She has so many troubles, (dont know if you've read any of my posts) but anyways, we have alot of family drama and she lets it consume her. She is so angry at her family (long story), and so sometimes, guess who gets the brunt of it? And like you, I ask myself, "what does she want from me?". All of her sisters have grandchildren also, and their daughters have no appreciation for their moms at all. Anytime my mom has doctors appointments, or needs to go home to visit my grandmother, I'm rearranging my schedule all the time. Yes, she looks after my son twice a week, but you know, that's it. I never have asked her to watch him so my husband and I could go out to a movie or just to spend time by ourselves. But the other daughters all go to "spas" and "out with the girls" on top of asking their moms to watch their kids five days a week, never mind just twice like me. But do I get any appreciation because I'm unselfish? Hell no!! I have never expected her to do this for me, I've always asked. I buy her and my dad gift certificates for dinner, so they can go enjoy themselves, just to thank them for doing it. I really show them I'm grateful for them helping me with my son. It has now been 3 weeks since they've had to look after him, and of course today, here comes the moods!!! And now I feel guilty that they have to watch him tomorrow for me. But I dont say anything, because you know what she'd do? She'd freak out and say "oh, thanks, I dont need this pressure right now, fine, if you dont think I could handle looking after him, then you do what YOU want!". And of course that's not what I mean, I just mean that I would appreciate them to either look after him without complaining, or just be honest and not do it. Is that too much to ask? It will all get twisted, when I mean absolutely no harm. I am a peaceful soul by nature, I hate confrontation, I hate tension....and I do way too much to avoid it, so it has a negative impact on my mind. You know what I mean? I think you do. Anyways, Keyboard, I think you and me, need to be honest at least with ourselves if not our parents, and admit that we give them too much control. You're doing that already and I admire you have tried being honest with them. As soon as you get everything under control with your job, you should go back to that. Please take this advice for what it's worth, because if you keep on "keeping that peace"....it just gets harder and harder to speak up.

Carsam

Last edited by mary09; 06-12-2007 at 04:58 PM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 06:14 PM   #9
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Carsam,

I agree with you fully. And I will at least try to get to that point this summer, where I can go back to being honest with my parents. I'm planning on calling my older sister, and then my parents (to tell them I called my sister, good plan).

I just remembered something I did for my sister earlier this summer that I should share, just so everyone knows I DO try to do things for others.

My older sister, for lack of a better word, is a complete idiot. Let's just say she majored in TV production because she wanted to work for MTV one day. And of course my parents were fine with that because she "won't have to provide for a family in the future." Yeah, maybe thirty years ago. Anyway, my sister just graduated, as I said before, and to her surprise, she's having a tough time with jobs. I don't know what she expected to get with this kind of degree RIGHT out of college, but she was getting all emotional because she got a freelance teleprompter job at ABC News. Of course, she keeps complaining that she's "smarter" and "knows more" than all the other employees, but that's what happens when you first start out. She also complained, while on the phone with my mom, that she hasn't "gone out" in a month! Oh no! What a horrible life she's having, where she can't go out to clubs for a whole month!

Anyway, she was settled in a New York City apartment with six or seven of her friends (always a big mistake, especially considering the fact that she just lived in a house in Long Island with just as many people, and they ended up fighting CONSTANTLY). In the apartment, they were all just trying to find a final roommate, and the only reliable person they could find was a guy. My sister was the only one who was uncomfortable with a guy living there, which is ridiculous. The main reason she was uncomfortable, however, was because he used to be depressed and attends Alcoholics Anonymous. So apparently, my sister is a very accepting person. All of the other roommates are still living in that apartment.

So because of all of this, my sister moved out pretty much the DAY she moved in, and guess who had to help out? Yours truly. Not only did I have to drive my sister EVERY morning to the train station for her to get to work, but I also had to stay overnight at her house because she felt "lonely." You know what? I WOULD feel sorry for her if she really was lonely, but she has ten times as many friends as I do, and it's not like she's the easiest person to get along with. So if you ask me, she asked for this.

But still, I drove her to work everyday, using up the money that I NEEDED for gas, sometimes at 6 in the morning. This was the beginning of the summer, so I also needed to look for jobs, and because of a plumbing problem at the house I was renting out, I was between housing and had to move everything MYSELF. So I was not happy to have a whole other set of issues to deal with on top of this. But I did it anyway. Of course, the ONE time I was late picking her up one night, I got a FURIOUS amount of anger directed at me because my sister was alone at the train station. You know what, I know that there are a lot of sick people out there, but as someone who is 22 years old and just graduated from college, you would think she could go against the stereotype of a "weak" female. That's just my opinion.

Last edited by keyboardplaya; 06-12-2007 at 06:16 PM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 07:05 PM   #10
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

key. you are a real funny guy.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 07:22 PM   #11
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

I completely agree Jules! I think Keyboard has a great personality!!!

You're a good guy Keyboard.....I laughed out loud reading your post when you said your sister was a...complete idiot. I wasnt expecting it so it made me laugh, even if that wasnt your intention. I know she was unappreciative to you....but you know what Keyboard, just learn a lesson from it, as I'm trying to do. I am who I am, I do my best for people, and I give them 110%. But now I'm finding that there are people in this world who no matter how good you've been to them, the first time you do something they dont like, it's like all the good you did never mattered. I am learning to block these people from my heart.....because they take up valuable space there, that should be reserved for people who deserve it!!!!!

I enjoyed chatting with you tonight!!! Hope to talk more often Keyboard!!!

Carsam

Last edited by mary09; 06-12-2007 at 07:23 PM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 09:25 PM   #12
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keyboardplaya HB User
Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Hehe thanks, I try. That's pretty much how I rant.

That's the approach I'm using too. I only like being around people and environments that are positive. If someone is hurting my feelings, I let them know it, and if they don't give a crap, I just leave. Call it passive-aggressivenes, or whatever, but that's how I roll.

Last edited by keyboardplaya; 06-12-2007 at 09:26 PM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 09:47 PM   #13
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Night night Keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 06-12-2007, 09:53 PM   #14
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keyboardplaya HB User
Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

G'night (if you aren't already sleeping by now, lol).

 
Old 06-12-2007, 10:22 PM   #15
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Re: This is why I get frustrated and stressed out from my parents (long post)

Complete idiot aside and the laugh factor which yeap it got me also really. I have a sister who is a complete idiot as well. lol Maybe they could be roommates? lol Nah they would drive each other bonkers.

You know with my family I always played the nice sweet card and pretty much if I could help I did. If trouble came I found a way to be the silent type on it. I also found that I was more depressed and more angry. So not so quiet or sweet really anymore. I try to word things straight foreward and not so emotional as I can be. It's a Bipolar thingy really. I know it helps me and I feel better with stuff not sitting on me all the time.

My mom is basically a me, me, me type of person. She is not one to talk about or care how anyone else really feels. My little brother of four going on five is suppose to watch cartoons 24/7 so he can be out of her hair. (Lot of stuff going on though I can't take the time to say...health related and so on so it's a huge part of it but not all.) Though it is my step father who is the control freak and I am thinking he is probably a male version of your mom. Can you imagine if those two married? Man the earth would shake then. In dealing with him I smile, nod the head alot, pretend I agree with everything and move on. Everything else is inviting trouble if you say what you do know or how you feel. In the end, he still drives me batty ok battier then I already am. If I had to live in his house again Lord help us all I would lose my mind. It wouldn't matter how old I was bedtime would be nine o'clock in the evening. I swear it is true.

I agree with the others advice as so far as writing the letter and saying how you feel and about the job. I do congradulate you on the camp position and feel it is a wonderful opportunity for you. I hope you like it and enjoy the position.

Eme

 
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