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Old 06-12-2007, 03:03 AM   #1
NVD NVD is offline
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Can't do it!

I am really panicking, and really need someone to talk to. I need someone to listen, and be there to REALLY listen. I can't do this. I can't go through this **** again. Everyone always says to just hang on, because somewhere up a head, better times await. But do they really? Are there really better times?
Today, I had my appointment with the therapist. It's been almost a month since our last appointment with me being "physically" there. I knew I needed to go, but dreaded it at the same time. No matter what type of mood I'm in when I go in, I come out an emotional disaster. I come out feeling vulnerable, and sad, and angry, and unable to cope or function, and those damn wheels in my head go out of control, and the next thing I know, I'm literally having to talk myself out of doing things to myself that I know are wrong, and struggling not to shut down. Is this really progress?? I've done this for years and years now...one would think after talking about the same damn issue over and over and over again that the issue would move on, so I can begin to work on the next issue. But I can talk till I'm blue in the face about this issue, and yet, I still have the same reaction. It just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and I am SO damn tired of reliving the pain, and instead of going forward, I go backwards. Today, the therapist really hit it on the nail when she said that "this man has such a strong grip on me, and is slowly taking the life right out of me". She said this because there is a carnival here in town this week. While I'm not completely sure, I think that one of his and my dad's friends work the carnival. So, even though we had free passes, I wasn't comfortable going to it...just because of the possiblity. Listening to her, really made the reasoning sound stupid. So incredibly stupid, because I really had no idea if he was working it or not. I just know he works with one of the carnival companies. So, I told my husband when he got home that I think we should go. Maybe facing the fear would do me some good, right?
All was going good. I went to find a spot to feed the baby, and my husband took the girls to play some games, and ride some rides. When I found them, they were playing the dart/balloon game. Two games down was their friend. If my heart didn't completely stop, it damn near came close. He waved and smiled, but we turned the other way. As we are walking away, my husband tells me to not look to my right, hold my daughters hand tight, and walk away as quickly as I can, and have my hand ready on the #1 key on the cell phone, which is speed dial for 911. ***** was right there in the ticket line, looking directly at us. God...He was so damn close to us. He looked so evil, and so mean, and so horrible, with that same nasty expression that haunts my thoughts continously. I was practically running, yet, everything seemed to stop moving. And my car was so F'in far away. God, did he see where we went? Did he see what type of car we got into? Did he see what my kids looked like? Did he realize that my husband was scared to? Does he know where we live? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do anything but hide. I have been so damn scared to run into him, and yet, in my mind, I knew it was only a matter of time. I just knew it. I think I've even said that here before. Why! Why can't I get this man out of my life?? I can't do this. I can't function, and I can't live like this. I can't live like a prisoner anymore. But what do I do?? Legally, he did nothing wrong. I really just feel like a fish out of water right now. God, I can't do it. I'm so beyond done. Is there really hope that this will ever be over? I'm done. I'm just physically, emotionally, and mentally done. Is this really the right way? Do we really have to face our fears and hurts to move forward? Cause damn, I feel like whatever steps I have taken over the last few years, have just been erassed away like they never existed.

 
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Old 06-12-2007, 06:08 AM   #2
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Re: Can't do it!

dear NVD,

i dont have much time now, cuz i gotta go to work, but just a few lines.

you were in a state of shock when you saw him, and it brought you back to the little girl you once were and to the horrible nightmares you once had to suffer at his hands.

you are not that little girl anymore (inside you probably still are). i know you think what your therapist said is a load of crap, but she was right.

he saw you with your husband, NVD. that COUNTS A LOT!!! he KNOWS YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! that counts a lot. all your neighbors know that you have this problem...they should look our for suspicious pple on your street. it's better to inform them and tell them so that they can look out for you too.

you say despite all these years you still haven't gotten over it/him. NVD, you suffered unexplainable hurts!!! but, at the same time, i don't think (it's just my opinion, and i'm sorry if i'm wrong), this prob. has been handled correctly by those therapists you've seen along the way, if you still feel so horrified AT THIS TIME.

NVD, do you have a home alarm??? do you have a dog that barks? (i don't know what to tell you, i'm sorry. i'm just bringing up ideas i'm thinking on the spot right now, because i know you're very much afraid, and i'm thinking ensuring your immediate environment is as safe as possible will make a bit of difference).

i'm terribly sorry, but i need to go. i hope pple will post more and that sannah and and others will see your post.

please, please try to stay calm. if there's any prob. and you think he's lurking about your home, call 911!!!!
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 06-12-2007 at 06:09 AM.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 08:25 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Can't do it!

Dearest Amber, I don't think that you need to fear him anymore. This fear is in your's and your husband's minds (I really cannot believe that your husband was afraid). I swear this man will not do a thing except try to keep your fear alive in your mind because this gives this WEAK man power. This man did nothing but look at you all. I am so sorry that you were so fearful but I really think that you both need to put this into perspective. He isn't a mass murderer. He is a pervert child molester and you are no longer an child.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 09:14 AM   #4
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Cool Re: Can't do it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Dearest Amber, I don't think that you need to fear him anymore. This fear is in your's and your husband's minds (I really cannot believe that your husband was afraid). I swear this man will not do a thing except try to keep your fear alive in your mind because this gives this WEAK man power. This man did nothing but look at you all. I am so sorry that you were so fearful but I really think that you both need to put this into perspective. He isn't a mass murderer. He is a pervert child molester and you are no longer an child.

I really cannot believe that your husband was afraid

Was he afraid for her? He should encourage her to be strong and tell her that this wacko can not do any hurt or harm to her b/c he (the husband) is with her.

@@NVD
I would think he'd be helping you to build up some courage, b/c, like the good Doctor said, that is fear. If he can control you with fear, he's got you to continue to be his prisoner.

He is a pervert child molester and you are no longer an child.

Did this creep ever do jail time for his crime?
I wish he was here ... booooy .... he'd have is *** kicked so well, he'd wanna go to the moon.
YOU DO NOT HARM CHILDREN!!!

NVD you are probably in the stages of facing and overcoming this debilitating fear.
It is quite understandable that you have it. Now you're grown, married and have children. You may not want to go through the changes and peel off the layers of fear, but do this for your family. They need you to grow stronger through your horrific experience -- furthermore, your daughters need your strength and courage.

Maybe you'll tell them what happened to you so that they will be warned about these things.

In all of us, I truly believe there is an inkling of courage. And in those times when we feel defeated, overwhelmed and like we have nothing else to give, that inkling starts to stand up within us.

All we have to do is let it stand up... go along with what that courage is telling us to do--no matter how bad we feel or how hard it is. I know what I'm talking about.
It may take some time, but YOU CAN DO IT.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 09:55 AM   #5
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Re: Can't do it!

Maybe I didn't explain the whole situation well enough. In the beginning, Yes, I was a child. The first three years of it, I was a child, living under my parents roof. But Sannah, as I've mentioned before, I was also an adult when this hppened. I had my own place, my job, a wonderful group of people that I surrounded myself with, was going to a wonderful church...that did NOT stop him. So yes, this fear has transferred over to my adult life, it is understandable, right? Even if the attacks were only as a child, I think that some of the fear would probably still be there. Having said that, he is a very brilliant man. He knows how to get things done, and yet, beat the system. Him and my dad used to work for the show "Cheaters", and can tap a phone without even being there, they know of ways to find a person, like a needle in a hay stack. These people are insane. They know what the hell they are doing. I've called the police, My school counselor reported him to the police, my old psychologist reported him to the police--and yet he's not spent ONE day behind bars. He is NOT weak in my opinion. So, of course, my husband was scared. Maybe not scared of him at the current moment...but scared for future moments when he is not there with us.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 10:29 AM   #6
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Re: Can't do it!

Quote:
i don't think (it's just my opinion, and i'm sorry if i'm wrong), this prob. has been handled correctly by those therapists you've seen along the way, if you still feel so horrified AT THIS TIME.
Honestly, I'm not sure what is correct. We work on the past; we work, we work, we work. We make strides to let go of the past, and then the past comes back and collides with the present, and screws up any progress we've made. I think there is only so much the therapists can do-especially when the past doesn't remain in the past. Know what I mean?

Do y'all think we are jumping the gun here, and letting ourselves get too panicked?

 
Old 06-12-2007, 10:30 AM   #7
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Re: Can't do it!

NVD, i believe that guy will get his someday. maybe not soon maybe not in his lifetime. but everything he did to you will come back to him someday. he will meet his maker someday!

 
Old 06-12-2007, 12:07 PM   #8
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Re: Can't do it!

Hi Amber,
I am so sorry for this fear you are going through right now.......with your daughters health problems, you need this like you need a hole in the head!!!
But listen, I think you know we're going to all say much the same thing here to you. Amber, I dont say this lightly, because if I had that same experience, and I saw that man again, I would probably be shaking in my boots too. Especially if I had children.
The only thing I can advise, is to try and redirect your "fear". Take those emotions and let them become "power". I believe outwardly he is a horrible person, but down deep, he's weak. Only a weak person would prey on children. And although he got to you again when you were older, he was still preying on the "child" in you. Because he instilled that fear in you. Amber, in a way, reading your post, it may not be physical, but he is still abusing you right now. He is making you frantic and scared. Dont give it to him!!!! This is allowing him to still have that power over you. You are doing the right thing by making people around you aware of his presence. And I do agree, that your husband probably was afraid, but afraid for times when he is not with you. Even Amber if you were to move to another state or country, you would still have that fear of him, until you take away his power. The best thing if ever you see him again, although it would be so hard, is to look him straight in the eye. Dont let him see your reaction......
Amber, I'm not sure what else to say, I know this advice is not easy to hear or follow.....I have to say I'd probably be scared stiff too.......like D says, make sure you have a home alarm, maybe carry a panic alarm. Although I dont think he will try to harm you again.....I cant guarantee that because I dont know....but at least take some measures for your own peace of mind.
I'm sorry hon, I dont know if this helps or not......I cant remember if you mentioned this or not, but if not, then maybe can you just make sure the police know of this situation....and if ever this man comes near you to speak to you....let him know that the police are aware of him.

Hugs to you Amber....

Carsam

 
Old 06-12-2007, 12:33 PM   #9
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Re: Can't do it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by NVD;3039***
Maybe I didn't explain the whole situation well enough. In the beginning, Yes, I was a child. The first three years of it, I was a child, living under my parents roof. But Sannah, as I've mentioned before, I was also an adult when this hppened. I had my own place, my job, a wonderful group of people that I surrounded myself with, was going to a wonderful church...that did NOT stop him. So yes, this fear has transferred over to my adult life, it is understandable, right? Even if the attacks were only as a child, I think that some of the fear would probably still be there. Having said that, he is a very brilliant man. He knows how to get things done, and yet, beat the system. Him and my dad used to work for the show "Cheaters", and can tap a phone without even being there, they know of ways to find a person, like a needle in a hay stack. These people are insane. They know what the hell they are doing. I've called the police, My school counselor reported him to the police, my old psychologist reported him to the police--and yet he's not spent ONE day behind bars. He is NOT weak in my opinion. So, of course, my husband was scared. Maybe not scared of him at the current moment...but scared for future moments when he is not there with us.
Maybe I didn't explain the whole situation well enough
Now maybe you did; I just missed it.

Him and my dad used to work for the show "Cheaters", and can tap a phone without even being there, they know of ways to find a person, like a needle in a hay stack.

D*** !! A crazy P.I. from "Cheaters"????

Drop him where I know he won't be so 'brilliant'; he won't act like Mr. Big Shot then, I bet you!

I don't know what else to say, NVD. I am now speechless

 
Old 06-12-2007, 07:01 PM   #10
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Re: Can't do it!

Quote:
Amber, in a way, reading your post, it may not be physical, but he is still abusing you right now. He is making you frantic and scared. Dont give it to him!!!! This is allowing him to still have that power over you. You are doing the right thing by making people around you aware of his presence. And I do agree, that your husband probably was afraid, but afraid for times when he is not with you. Even Amber if you were to move to another state or country, you would still have that fear of him, until you take away his power. The best thing if ever you see him again, although it would be so hard, is to look him straight in the eye. Dont let him see your reaction......
Hi Carsam, Hope you had a good day.
You are right. No matter where I lived, or no matter where I moved, that fear will remain. But how do I conquer the fear? For most issues, I've been told that you have relive the pain, to deal with it, and get through it. So, what do I do in this case?? I've gone through therapy, I've gone through hypnosis in the past, I've gone through self defense classes, tried numerous antidepressants/antianxiety meds, and yet, when I see him, still, I collapse. I cave in, and go numb. Not the best survival instincts, I know.
But what do I do from here?? How do I take that power? How do "I" win this one over?? I'm done trying to win. It's really not about winning anymore, Carsam...it's so beyond winning. It's about surviving now, and keeping my kids as safe as possible.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 07:17 PM   #11
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Re: Can't do it!

Hey Amber,
How do you do it? Girl, I would be doing a serious injustice if I attempted to answer that, because I'm out of my realm. I have never experienced anything remotely like this....so I couldnt possibly advise on "what to do". Except to say I'd be scared **** too hon!!! But yes, it's about survival now...for you and your family, and listen Amber. No one can ever accuse you of not being a fighter. You fight for your mental health, you fight for your kids health!!! You just have one hell of a battle to get through, but I'm hoping with the proper health you can do it!!!! If not someone else, here, maybe try also posting on the PTSD Board, because there are I believe alot of good people there who may know methods on how to get through this.
You know Amber, I see this guy for you as being like "cancer" for my mom. This may sound off the wall, but it makes sense to me!!! My mom has beaten breast cancer twice. But she lives with many scars because of it. Both physical and mental scars. It has taken over her life twice now and paralyzed her with fear for her life. But she has gotten through it, and has taken steps to prevent it coming back again, ie radiation, surgeries....constant mammograms and biopsies. But Amber, you know what? No matter what she does, she ALWAYS worries that it could come back again, and cause her more pain! We have no guarantees this will happen. And any time she gets a pain here or there, she's convinced its back. But its not. So Amber I guess what I'm trying to say is that although I'm praying my mom will live out the rest of her life, not having to deal with this again.....I know she can not let it affect her every minute of thinking "what if" "what if"........because she will drive herself nuts. Does this make sense? I'm so deeply sorry if maybe it's not the same....it's an analagy, but I think you know what I'm getting at. You need some really good help as to how to deal with this. And listen, if you see this guy again, I dont know if this is way off or not, but if he ever starts making his presence known, you get a restraining order. In the meantime, please try posting on that other board as well, and hopefully the people there can give you more concrete advice.
I really feel for you Amber, I wish I could make this go away for you. I know you're trying and I know its hard!!! You're a wonderful soul......you deserve some peace hon!!!!

Your friend,
Carsam

 
Old 06-12-2007, 07:38 PM   #12
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Re: Can't do it!

Amber, unless he threatens you or your family you will not be able to get a restraining order. isnt that terrible! has he done or said anything to you recently other than hello? do you think hes still a threat to you after all these years? your husband sounds calm, i think my husband would have squashed him by now.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 10:36 PM   #13
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Re: Can't do it!

Quote:
You know Amber, I see this guy for you as being like "cancer" for my mom. This may sound off the wall, but it makes sense to me!!! My mom has beaten breast cancer twice. But she lives with many scars because of it. Both physical and mental scars. It has taken over her life twice now and paralyzed her with fear for her life. But she has gotten through it, and has taken steps to prevent it coming back again, ie radiation, surgeries....constant mammograms and biopsies. But Amber, you know what? No matter what she does, she ALWAYS worries that it could come back again, and cause her more pain! We have no guarantees this will happen. And any time she gets a pain here or there, she's convinced its back.
Oh Carsam! He is so much like a cancer! You have it so, so right. It doesn't sound off the wall at all. I've used this analagy several times. It's nice knowing that someone has an "Idea" of what it's like. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your family have had to live through the hell that cancer brings along with it.
You know; I struggle to talk about these things. I struggle talking about these things with my husband, with my psychologist, with my friends. As I've said before, I'd rather just deal with things on my own, in my own way and time. It just so happened, that like you, one day I was seriously at the end of my rope, and I was falling quickly. I posted once, really expecting to probably not come around again, but everyone here has made me feel comfortable to talk about my feelings, and to open up. I've gone to the PTSD board quite a bit, thinking of posting at least an introduction, but just haven't felt compelled to do so...as that just means opening up again to a whole new group of people. And that's hard for me.
Anyway, thanks again Carsam. Have a good night,
Amber

 
Old 06-12-2007, 10:40 PM   #14
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Re: Can't do it!

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Originally Posted by jules3 View Post
Amber, unless he threatens you or your family you will not be able to get a restraining order. isnt that terrible! has he done or said anything to you recently other than hello? do you think hes still a threat to you after all these years? your husband sounds calm, i think my husband would have squashed him by now.
Yes, JuJu, I know. I've tried several times to get a restraining order. I have a client who is an attorney, and I've already tried jumping through the hoops there...but obviously was a no-go. Unless there is physical evidence that he "right now, at this very moment" is a threat, a restraining order isn't even considered. If it were up to my husband, he would be sitting in jail right now. He really would.
Amber

 
Old 06-12-2007, 10:42 PM   #15
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Re: Can't do it!

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Originally Posted by jules3 View Post
Amber, unless he threatens you or your family you will not be able to get a restraining order. isnt that terrible! has he done or said anything to you recently other than hello? do you think hes still a threat to you after all these years? your husband sounds calm, i think my husband would have squashed him by now.
Yes, JuJu, I know. I've tried several times to get a restraining order. I have a client who is an attorney, and I've already tried jumping through the hoops there...but obviously was a no-go. Unless there is physical evidence that he "right now, at this very moment" is a threat, a restraining order isn't even considered. Living 45 minutes away, and standing in line at the ticket counter of the same carnival obviously doesn't warrant a true physical threat. If it were up to my husband, he would be sitting in jail right now. He really would.
Amber

 
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