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Old 06-14-2007, 02:15 AM   #1
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shellshell82 HB User
always thinking about people close to me dying... why?

I just realised that I am almost constantly thinking about people close to me dying - my husband, my grandma, the children I don't have - they are always miscarriages or stillbirths or neo-natal deaths.

When I think of the future, it always has someone dying in it... like I think about getting pregnant, and my next thought it that I miscarry or its a stillbirth or the baby dies soon after birth and I think about how I would feel and that I would need to go to a psychiatric hospital, etc. etc.

And I think about the future, and then I think that my husband will die, and I think about what will happen if my husband dies - where will I live, what job will I do, will I look for a new husband? etc. etc.

When I think about the future, I am always thinking about death, and I am planning for death, and I am planning for how I will deal with it when these people die... I feel like I am obsessed with death! Help!

 
Old 06-14-2007, 05:22 AM   #2
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Re: always thinking about people close to me dying... why?

hi shell,

i went through a period (i still do occasionally) where i thought about death and the inevitability of it, quite a lot. and it scared me sooooo much. it froze me. i think many people have this fear of the unknown, and i think it usually comes to the forefronts of our minds when something's not going too well in our present (duh!!!--like you probably didn't know that). what i mean is that for me it's basicall due to anxiety...deep anxiety, and lack of control. i mean, death is the ultimate "event" or circumstance over which we have absolutely no control whatsoever. it will happen and that's it. i don't know who it was that said something funny about death though--something to the effect of death is due to swallowing small amounts of saliva everyday for a long period of time. anyway, sometimes, i like to read or to listen to the song "to everything there is a season"--because it's just so true, you know?!!!

but seriously...are any members of your family ill or sick? and what exactly do you mean by "planning"?

you know shell, i sometimes think (when i'm deeply depressed and very, very tired) that when we're old and decrepid and tired and ill, and experiencing all that "good stuff"--but we've lived life to some degree, and we have at least some good memories of our pasts, we'll no longer fear death so much. we'll probably attain some peace of mind, and come to accept it. maybe even welcome it. when we're young, it's so very different, bec. we haven't lived yet, we haven't done what we wanted/planned to do yet, we haven't achieved our "purposes" here.... but later on, we'll probably think the way i mentioned at the begining of this paragraph....that's just me, and my opinion...and maybe it's also because now i'm not feeling too great.... i don't know.

anyway, you're definitely NOT alone when it comes to thinking about this.

hugs and blessings!
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Old 06-14-2007, 07:49 AM   #3
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Re: always thinking about people close to me dying... why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by shellshell82 View Post
I just realised that I am almost constantly thinking about people close to me dying - my husband, my grandma, the children I don't have - they are always miscarriages or stillbirths or neo-natal deaths.

When I think of the future, it always has someone dying in it... like I think about getting pregnant, and my next thought it that I miscarry or its a stillbirth or the baby dies soon after birth and I think about how I would feel and that I would need to go to a psychiatric hospital, etc. etc.

And I think about the future, and then I think that my husband will die, and I think about what will happen if my husband dies - where will I live, what job will I do, will I look for a new husband? etc. etc.

When I think about the future, I am always thinking about death, and I am planning for death, and I am planning for how I will deal with it when these people die... I feel like I am obsessed with death! Help!
Hi Shell!

Skye has a lot to offer in what she says. She makes good sense.
I like the thing about "swallowing a little saliva" or something like that.

Shell, my mom passed away 4 years ago, and it really messes w/me. I know that all these loved ones in your life passing away really, really hurts. I did go and talk this out with people that have experienced the same thing, and they basically said that we can't control anyone passing away. But to remember the wonderful times we had with those people and honor them by living a good life; by that I mean, do things that your loved would have wanted you to do. For example, maybe take a vacation with some friends--do somethings you didn't get the chance to do before.

I've had to learn to do things one-step-at-a-time. It became overwhelming to me to think ahead about certain chores and just everyday things that we do; like going shopping (ok that's silly, but I'd think about when me and my moms went shopping together, or I went for her if she didn't feel like it)

I'd cry if I just looked at the grass!!!!
That's what I had to learn, within myself, that I have to take these things as they come. A little at a time until I've done what I needed to do. I still have to remind myself of this a lot of the time.

Shell, try to find a therapist and discuss this. That is a lot of grief to have to work through, and it's always good to have someone to talk to about it that will help you will your goals.

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-14-2007 at 07:54 AM.

 
Old 06-14-2007, 04:17 PM   #4
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shellshell82 HB User
Re: always thinking about people close to me dying... why?

Hey - thanks to both of you.

I do have a therapist and we have talked a bit about the effect of people dying when I was young had on me. We talked mostly about the effect it had on my friendships - that I am always afraid of not seeing or hearing from my friends for a short time, because I am afraid they will die, and I will not have been there with them and I would not have been able to tell them that I really did care about them. (This is because a number of young (<20 year old) friends died unexpectedly - no warning whatsoever - when I was younger).

No members of my family are ill or sick, apart from my grandparents, but they are old and that is what you would expect when people get that age. I suppose when I am talking about people dying, I am talking about sudden, no warning, deaths of young people who are significant to me - like I have experienced in the past.

When I talk about "planning", I mean that when I think (daydream and/or try to plan for) about the future and try to make decisions about what to do - should I do this course, or should I aim to get a job in this area or that area etc. - I inevitably go off into a tangent where someone - like my husband - dies and I plan what I will do after that - I will plan where I will live and what job I will do, etc.

(This is horrible but true - I used to even have a guy in the back of my mind that I thought I could approach and see if things could work out in terms of dating and developing a relationship with them - if my husband died. I love my husband so much and I have never cheated on my husband or anything, but I would seriously think about the group of friends we have and I would think if any of the single men could become something more in the event of my husband's death - it's like I was expecting him to die and couldn't stand the idea of being alone and wanted to be able to prepare for it!)

Yes, I know it is a control issue, and I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of control I have felt when young people around me have unexpectedly died. I think it proves that it is important to always tell people what you think about them - always tell them that you care - before it's too late and you can't. That is one big issue for me - I want so badly for people to know that I care, but I never got to tell those young people who died unexpectedly before they died.

 
Old 06-14-2007, 04:47 PM   #5
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: always thinking about people close to me dying... why?

I think it proves that it is important to always tell people what you think about them - always tell them that you care - before it's too late and you can't. That is one big issue for me - I want so badly for people to know that I care, but I never got to tell those young people who died unexpectedly before they died.--shellshell

dear shell,

i think you've answered your own question right there.

it's also a good reminder for us all!!!
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-14-2007, 06:39 PM   #6
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tealite77 HB User
Re: always thinking about people close to me dying... why?

when my husband it a few min late from work i always think the worse, but know i try to think maybe he is staying a little late, or traffic, i try to be positive, but its hard at times because its a thought that wont go away so i know how you feel.

 
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