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Old 06-15-2007, 06:41 AM   #1
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Exclamation CHAOS in the morning

this morning was AWFUL.

i woke up in such a rubbish mood that the day just seemd like mount everest. then to make it all ten times worse my time of the month arrived. GOD. i was in utter agony. i get it sometimes. i mean my entire body ached right to my bones. i get crippling cramps, but its goes all up my back and down my legs. i feel like i have a heavy barbed wire ring around me when i move. my stomach feels like theres something heavy and sharp ripping through all my organs, and my back actually cracks when i move because its so sore. i get very faint, warm and i feel about to vomit. i get weak and shaky too. i get sooo angry i just cant talk to anyone, i will shout even when they just talk sometimes. its then when the pills seem great-kind if like the last straw. i was so close this morning

then i get that stupid tv in the background of my thoughts, just swirling really fast. rubbish, people arguing, different accents, situations that arent in exitance. then theres my thoughts playing at the same time. its chaotic.

i got really stupid ideas, that i felt wouldnt be that hard to even do. like i was very tempted to go upstairs and get the blades. i have day dreams about opening up and pulling out my uterus, or i thought itd be good to open myself up and tidy it up, pull out all the rubbish and massage it. then i thought if i did that and ODed it fix it. i didnt obviously but its scary how close i can be to being so irrational. i dont care of the consequences then really. i knew the ambulance would come, id be furous, scream, shout swear and kick out at them. i pictured my docs face in shock but id didnt care i was so wrapped up in it. the pain was unbearable and i was prepared to do anything.

i finally found some painkillers(only two left-was lucky), and after a few hours it went away. i left the house to get away so i couldnt do anything. it was desperate, my head was swirling. im thinking of mentioning to my doc if there is anything she can help me with about this. i mean, should i have this every month?? its not always that bad, but when it is its not unusal for me. id better stock up on painkillers.

hows everyone elses day?? anyone else have problems when the time comes and your already just not in the mood for this crap??

xox
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Old 06-15-2007, 07:18 AM   #2
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ChaosAD HB User
Re: CHAOS in the morning

Good morning pucca_chick. I saw the title and wondered what I had done heh.

Sorry to hear things are getting all mixed up for you lately. I'm very glad you haven't done anything with the thoughts so far. Please keep that up. From what I've read regarding you, you have been doing good with that lately. No reason to go back to old habits you know are bad for you. Just keep posting and get all your feelings and such out. Hopefully that will help and not lead you down a bad road. Mornings can be a very bad time, esp if you don't have something to occupy your mind when the thoughts come racing.

You will be in my thoughts today!

 
Old 06-15-2007, 11:33 AM   #3
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

Kerry, an anti-inflammatory should help, like Ibuprofen. Take it regularly if needed for a few days to keep the cramps under control. I used to get killer cramps when I was younger and now I don't anymore. A heating pad can also help.

Did you tell Keira about the voices/noise?

Last edited by Sannah; 06-15-2007 at 11:34 AM.

 
Old 06-16-2007, 01:01 AM   #4
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

hey guys. thanks for your help.

sannah-nope, i have never said to anyone apart from once i said it and pretended i was joking to a freind when she said i was weird. its not like someone whispering in my ear-its like loud thoughts that are not mine. theres the tv version, then theres a male and a female too. the male is very mean and the girl is always nice to me. but maybe its just the different sides of me. id feel better if i could control them, the male always interrupts, just bursts in and is aggressive, swears a lot, it says stuff i dont want it to, stuff i dont think or want to. i argue with it and it snaps back, i dont know what itll say next, then the girl argues with him a bit too-but shes not very good at it really but she tells me not to worry. then there is just me in the middle.

what is this, sannah do you know?? should i bring this up with keira or my doc??

xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 06-16-2007, 05:35 AM   #5
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

kerry--yup, you should definitely bring this up with keira!!!! please do!!!
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Old 06-16-2007, 03:59 PM   #6
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

hey guys. im a bit nervous. i mean really what does this look like-i see 3 psychs, get nowhere and am told theres nothing, i fight with my doc, argue for meds, they all think i just would love an illness, i cant get better and they think im loving it, then after being told i have nothing i show up 2 weeks later telling them im having voice like stuff-they will not buy it, theyll think im making this up-i have ALOT of pride, theres no damn way im letting this one out of the bag unless it reeeaaally needs to be or i know ill get taken seriously!

its sad really. im scared to say it, its stupid, but at the same time i can feel this thing not moving. i can actually see what will happen. ill ignore it for as long as possible, pretend i dont argue in my head, try and get better with these thoughts that arent mine shouting in my head, ill just stop moving and get stuck and none of them will know why, because i cant get around this one.

i dont know, this is different, at least evereything else i have some degree of control over, but this just bursts in whenever, i cant actually stop it.

dakota/anyone, do you think this is my internal voice. its just i know what my internal voice sounds like me, but these are different, and its not my thoughts or what id like to think. its very intrusive when it wants to be. it actually doesnt bother me because i argue usually, but sometimes it hits a nerve and other times it second guesses and tells me they are all talking bollocks, it swears at my doc and it tells me the opposite of what i should be thinking to get better even when i try and argue it. like it decided once that my doc wanted me to OD and for a while and even sometimes now i still belive it -rememebr i got rather upset thinking she wanted me dead

maybe its just the different sides of me-but id NEVER think of my doc or keria the way it think of them, its so mean sometimes and for no reason. its just not in there for me to feel that way.

what should i do-my only idea is i breifly bring it up with my doc in a letter but try and brush it off hoping she will say its something everyone has and i can just fix it, and also mention that ill try and bring it up with keira to try and stop it. please help.

xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 06-16-2007, 05:16 PM   #7
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ExTra111 HB User
Re: CHAOS in the morning

hey, do you know the voice thing could be a side effect of some meds... just that it might be the case... have your doc mentioned anything? To be honest, I have stated to get this sometimes, I heard my own voice telling me "go kill yourself, go kill yourself..." 2 night on a roll, it was damn scary... but I was too scared to tell my doc about it when I saw her yesterday...

Well, let's hope it's the meds that creating it, coz this is probably the best of the worse, maybe?

 
Old 06-16-2007, 05:59 PM   #8
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

Kerry, I have been reading a lot here about this and folks are calling it intrusive thoughts and it is a part of OCD. I think that you can tell Keira about this, she has always supported you always. Maybe put a thread on the OCD board? It seems that it is just an offshoot of anxiety.

And Extra - DO NOT LISTEN TO THOSE VOICES TELLING YOU THIS! And you really should tell the doc about this.

Last edited by Sannah; 06-16-2007 at 06:01 PM.

 
Old 06-17-2007, 06:27 AM   #9
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

hi pucca,

please tell keira about it. she always listens and is very good with you. she will be able to tell you how to distinguish between your own voice and other voices (if indeed, these are other voices).

you know, we all have internal "dialogues" inside our heads from time to time, and like sannah said, we become more aware of them when we're anxious of, or for something. for me, sometimes at night before i drift off to sleep, especially if i'm really tired, i'm aware of all kinds of bits and pieces of other people's voices in my head--but i know they are from people whom i've talked with that day. or other times, when i'm anxious and upset about something, my mom's voice would pop in my head, or my grandma's....my mom may be one that "says" unpleasant stuff (i.e., you'll never do that, so don't even try it", but my grandma's voice would say, "my dear, nobody was born knowlegeable. we all have to learn things in this world. you're strong. you CAN do it."

so, i think it's normal to an extent to have these so-called voices in our heads. they may even be our own voices...sometimes i say to myself, or more likely feel it, than actually say it (but everything comes from our minds/brains-- you know that), "you're too weak to do that"; "you can't handle that; "it isn't ok...."

i'm just letting you know of my experience...and that all the shrinks i've seen so far haven't said anything about this, and i DO NOT believe it's a problem for me.

but i would urge you to tell keira about it. to put your mind at ease. ok?
hugs from across the pond!!
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-17-2007, 12:50 PM   #10
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota_Skye View Post
kerry--yup, you should definitely bring this up with keira!!!! please do!!!
i agree 100%. tell your doc about the voices. it's helpful towards a more concise diagnosis. sounds like you've got more than occasional PMS. if the doc has all the information, a better treatment plan and better medication choices can be offered.

good luck to you. i had the old PMS drudgeries back in the days when my MALE internist told me "PMS does not exist. It's all in your head." we've come a long way, baby.

be truthful with a good doctor so an accurate diagnosis, etc. can be put into play. you'll feel better soon, i hope.

 
Old 06-17-2007, 03:32 PM   #11
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

hey guys, thanks for your help. im working out how to bring this up-i feel so stupid-cross with a hypochaundriac, its just one thing after another with me ya know.

also, with this bad cramping, i looked up some stuff about bad cramping and it says sometimes theyll want to do a pelvic exam!!! i CANNOT have that!!! what do you think is likely, what happens, how else could she tell if things are okay without having to venture up my neither regions!?? please help, im stuck again

xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 06-18-2007, 07:09 AM   #12
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

Kerry, IMO I wouldn't get a pelvic exam just yet until you recover a bit more. There is a woman over on the PTSD board who finally went for her first pelvic exam in her 30's and it sent her on a spin that took a long time to recover from (she was sexually abused at 4 y.o.a.). You are still young and I think that a pelvic exam can wait for the sake of your mental health but this is only my opinion.

 
Old 06-18-2007, 07:42 AM   #13
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

i don't know what to say about this. i really don't. sannah's advice is probably better.

i just know that as long as you're not active in that way (you know what i mean) and your mom, grandma, etc. don't have any problems in that respect (i.e., cancer, endometriosis, etc.), i wouldn't really worry about getting a pelvic exam and/or pap smear right now.

sannah, i know kerry was abused, but i never knew by whom or when...
i think i joined this topic later than you. you don't have to answer if you think it's inappropriate!!!!
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Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-18-2007, 07:56 AM   #14
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

Dakota, a teenage neighborhood boy abused her starting at about 8 for a few years. I believe it was fondling.

 
Old 06-18-2007, 08:20 AM   #15
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Re: CHAOS in the morning

hi, im ****ing buzzing. dont know why, lined up everything in kitchen, pulled out plugs, jumped about the house, punched the bed, flung things and then sped down the road with the dog. i hate this, my mind is racing and i cant stop it, i feel like im shaking internally. i dont know whether to burst out laughing or cry uncontrolably.

over here we start smear tests at 18-ive never been called for 1 thankfully. there is no frickin way ill be doing it!

dakota-we think it was 8, but my counsellor has it down as likley to be 6 when we lined up the events. doesnt really matter. it was fondling, then he used to get me to take my clothes off sometimes, not all of them but enough, then once someone else watched, i remember parts when he began unzipping himself but then its black thankfully. i wont be undressng for anyone in a white coat or not, nor will anyone be fondling down there-everyone can go to hell and sit a swivell on my middle finger if they think i will.

im working later, great, how absolutley ****ing smashing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

so, yep, thats it. im seeing my doc next week for these cramps and all, dont care what she says im not being poked.

thanks, xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
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