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Old 06-15-2007, 07:54 AM   #1
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Don't know what to do

I am so down right now for so many reasons I donít even know where to post? Weight loss, eating disorder, miscarriage??? Which board does this belong on? I feel like Iíve wasted so much time in my life and now Iím trying to choose what path to take next and I keep thinking what did you do with the first 30 years. I was married when I was 21 and went from 130lbs to 82lbs due to depression/anorexia. I gradually after years of hell started to bring my weight up and divorced my husband. I met my new husband at 26 and we moved in together. At this time I should have been happy and I was but I never was happy with me. I was gaining weight which even though I needed to do it still depressed me I was starting over at 26, I had walked away from a marriage a house a dog etc and was starting from scratch. Present day Iím 30 I got married in October and got pregnant in December miscarried at 3 months and now itís June and Iím probably heavier than I was when I spun into my depression/anorexia last time..I know Iíve go to be over 130lb but I donít weigh myself. I just feel this morning like I need to dull the pain with something. A pill a bottle I donít care. And I donít want to be a complainer I mean on the outside looking in my life probably looks good. Iím just so frustrated I wake up in the morning and itís like I hate myself I look in the mirror and all I see is fat and ugly. I mean in 2003 I looked fantastic did I see that NO I thought I looked like crap and now Iím like 20lbs heavier than that and Iím like what was your problem back then? I should have been confident and loving me and I wasnít. Iíve spent my entire life not liking who I am. I remember going for runs in grade 7 to try and loose weight Iíve always felt like I didnít fit in, I wasnít good enough Iím fat and ugly and Iím 30 now and Iím tiredÖ.really, really tired. I just donít know where to go from here. And then I get angry at myself because I think you know how to at least physically look better you have the knowledge and the experience I just donít have the self control itís like stop being a baby and work out and cut down on your food! You were 82lbs for god sake itís not like I donít know how to loose weight. I know life isnít perfect and I donít expect it to be but I just want the basics I have a husband, we have a condo I want a baby I want a friend someone to talk to some one that I can tell this stuff to and theyíll just hug me and Iíll feel better but I donít have anyone except my husband. I should be 6 months pregnant right now looking forward to a family my due date was Sept 10th instead Iím not pregnant just fat Iím full of self pity and Iím drinking too much because hey it makes me feel better. Sorry for the rant Iím just soÖ.I donít even think frustrated is the word Iím just Bla itís like I donít exist. I feel like if I disappeared today it wouldnít impact anyone and thatís sad.

 
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Old 06-15-2007, 08:06 AM   #2
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by desmaggie View Post
I am so down right now for so many reasons I don’t even know where to post? Weight loss, eating disorder, miscarriage??? Which board does this belong on? I feel like I’ve wasted so much time in my life and now I’m trying to choose what path to take next and I keep thinking what did you do with the first 30 years. I was married when I was 21 and went from 130lbs to 82lbs due to depression/anorexia. I gradually after years of hell started to bring my weight up and divorced my husband. I met my new husband at 26 and we moved in together. At this time I should have been happy and I was but I never was happy with me. I was gaining weight which even though I needed to do it still depressed me I was starting over at 26, I had walked away from a marriage a house a dog etc and was starting from scratch. Present day I’m 30 I got married in October and got pregnant in December miscarried at 3 months and now it’s June and I’m probably heavier than I was when I spun into my depression/anorexia last time..I know I’ve go to be over 130lb but I don’t weigh myself. I just feel this morning like I need to dull the pain with something. A pill a bottle I don’t care. And I don’t want to be a complainer I mean on the outside looking in my life probably looks good. I’m just so frustrated I wake up in the morning and it’s like I hate myself I look in the mirror and all I see is fat and ugly. I mean in 2003 I looked fantastic did I see that NO I thought I looked like crap and now I’m like 20lbs heavier than that and I’m like what was your problem back then? I should have been confident and loving me and I wasn’t. I’ve spent my entire life not liking who I am. I remember going for runs in grade 7 to try and loose weight I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in, I wasn’t good enough I’m fat and ugly and I’m 30 now and I’m tired….really, really tired. I just don’t know where to go from here. And then I get angry at myself because I think you know how to at least physically look better you have the knowledge and the experience I just don’t have the self control it’s like stop being a baby and work out and cut down on your food! You were 82lbs for god sake it’s not like I don’t know how to loose weight. I know life isn’t perfect and I don’t expect it to be but I just want the basics I have a husband, we have a condo I want a baby I want a friend someone to talk to some one that I can tell this stuff to and they’ll just hug me and I’ll feel better but I don’t have anyone except my husband. I should be 6 months pregnant right now looking forward to a family my due date was Sept 10th instead I’m not pregnant just fat I’m full of self pity and I’m drinking too much because hey it makes me feel better. Sorry for the rant I’m just so….I don’t even think frustrated is the word I’m just Bla it’s like I don’t exist. I feel like if I disappeared today it wouldn’t impact anyone and that’s sad.
D. Maggie,

Hold on, now!
Whoa!

Ok, for 1, you've got a lot of expectations of yourself--ease up, sweetie! You've done a lot for your age! 2) dear, you've mentioned that you never liked yourself; your weight (seemed like you were too small or too large). Hon, I just want to let you know that we--especially us women-- look in the mirror and we can always pick any part of the body and criticize it terribly.
You lose weight, you gain it--guess what? You still haven't learned to love yourself.
3) Your are definitely depressed over the loss of the baby. You should see a counselor or therapist about this tremendous loss. You can also work out these anorexic/weight gain issues.

4) You must take all things one step at a time. You have put so much pressure on yourself, saying that you should have this right now and you should be doing that right now.... for all things, there is a time and a season, dearest!
Don't put a strain on yourself by having all these expectations and demanding they be carried out by a certain time! Sweetie, you'll run yourself in the ground.

Now take a deep breath, slow yourself down and see a therapist. Get that grief process flowing and work on the rest.

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-15-2007 at 10:38 AM.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 08:22 AM   #3
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Re: Don't know what to do

Hi D Maggie,
I see in another post that you went off Wellbutrin, how long ago was that, and have you given any thought to going back on, or talking to your Dr about other possibilities? There is so much you have said that reminds me of myself. I have just been diagnosed with major depression(once again)...I have just started taking Wellbutrin XL, and am once again in the care of my Dr and Pdoc.
Are you seeking professional help?
Tracker

 
Old 06-15-2007, 09:01 AM   #4
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Re: Don't know what to do

I went of wellbutrin cold turkey in 2003 when I left my first husband and I havne't been on anything sense. I saw a consellor in 03 as well to try and deal with my eating disorder but when I left my husband I stoped because I was happy again and I new what I needed to do to recover from the eating disorder...physically anyway. I saw a counslor last year for about 5 vists to deal with some relationship issues that I was having and my being unhappy about some things at home we never touched on the ED. It's just so expensive to see some one and my medical will only cover a registered Physcologist not a counsellor and will only pay for $500 worth. What a joke one hour is like $150. I haven't seen or talked to any proffional about the loss of the baby but I've been on the misscarage board and talked with family. Most people say oh your only 30 and it's so common don't worry just try again. I just feel like I took a wrong turn the day I got married when I was 21 and I just can't get back on track. You only have one life and if I could I would change alot. My parents thought I was too young but I was in love. My dad was driving me to the church and he said to me "are you sure because if your not I will keep on driving" I wish I could go back to that moment I just feel like I could have done things differently. I envision myself in a house with a family with a regular relationship and friends. Instead I'm divorced and remarried in a codo with a husband I love but he's not really affectionate so I sometimes feel lonley no kids and no friends. I went to boarding school so my best friend lives in Alaska and I'm in Canda. I know I need to learn to love myself and be content with who I am and what I see in the mirror I just don't know how to do that. I don't want to go back on meds because they just made me feel void I had tried celexa before the wellbutrin

Last edited by desmaggie; 06-15-2007 at 09:06 AM.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 09:42 AM   #5
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by desmaggie View Post
I am so down right now for so many reasons I donít even know where to post? Weight loss, eating disorder, miscarriage??? Which board does this belong on? I feel like Iíve wasted so much time in my life and now Iím trying to choose what path to take next and I keep thinking what did you do with the first 30 years. I was married when I was 21 and went from 130lbs to 82lbs due to depression/anorexia. I gradually after years of hell started to bring my weight up and divorced my husband. I met my new husband at 26 and we moved in together. At this time I should have been happy and I was but I never was happy with me. I was gaining weight which even though I needed to do it still depressed me I was starting over at 26, I had walked away from a marriage a house a dog etc and was starting from scratch. Present day Iím 30 I got married in October and got pregnant in December miscarried at 3 months and now itís June and Iím probably heavier than I was when I spun into my depression/anorexia last time..I know Iíve go to be over 130lb but I donít weigh myself. I just feel this morning like I need to dull the pain with something. A pill a bottle I donít care. And I donít want to be a complainer I mean on the outside looking in my life probably looks good. Iím just so frustrated I wake up in the morning and itís like I hate myself I look in the mirror and all I see is fat and ugly. I mean in 2003 I looked fantastic did I see that NO I thought I looked like crap and now Iím like 20lbs heavier than that and Iím like what was your problem back then? I should have been confident and loving me and I wasnít. Iíve spent my entire life not liking who I am. I remember going for runs in grade 7 to try and loose weight Iíve always felt like I didnít fit in, I wasnít good enough Iím fat and ugly and Iím 30 now and Iím tiredÖ.really, really tired. I just donít know where to go from here. And then I get angry at myself because I think you know how to at least physically look better you have the knowledge and the experience I just donít have the self control itís like stop being a baby and work out and cut down on your food! You were 82lbs for god sake itís not like I donít know how to loose weight. I know life isnít perfect and I donít expect it to be but I just want the basics I have a husband, we have a condo I want a baby I want a friend someone to talk to some one that I can tell this stuff to and theyíll just hug me and Iíll feel better but I donít have anyone except my husband. I should be 6 months pregnant right now looking forward to a family my due date was Sept 10th instead Iím not pregnant just fat Iím full of self pity and Iím drinking too much because hey it makes me feel better. Sorry for the rant Iím just soÖ.I donít even think frustrated is the word Iím just Bla itís like I donít exist. I feel like if I disappeared today it wouldnít impact anyone and thatís sad.
I suffered all the things you mentioned then got tagged Bipolar to boot. It is not easy when you lose a child through miscarriage. It does sound like you are dealing with the best you can but it may not be enough. I had five miscarriages before I had my son. Until I got pregnant with him I felt that it something I did and that I didn't deserve to be a mom. I became obsessed with reading anything about miscarriages and why they happen. I wanted there to be a reason other then blaming me. I saw that there are lots of reasons and I still didn't feel better. I had no one to talk to or hug me during the times I was depressed. I start taking a pain killer just to sleep through the night without crying all night long. I had dreams of a baby I would never hold. Even now when that child would be eighteen years old I still have moments where the tears come. Give yourself time, space, and just breathe. They say medically speaking that after a miscarriage you should wait at least a year before you try again. I don't remember the reasons right now.

I am closer to 40 then I like at the moment and it has taken me a long time to learn a few things. One is like another poster mentioned as a woman we look in the mirror and see the smallest of imperfections. Ones that someone else might never see even with the hubble. I think too as a female that we tend to be more excepting of others rather then ourselves. But the one thing I did finally get is the thing where they say you have to love you before you love someone else. I always thought that it was a bunch of crap really and didn't get it. I mean how could I learn to love me in any little way? What was there to love? I think in some ways that the saying is true just worded perhaps a bit wrong. It is about being comfortable with yourself that knowing that you are a good, decent, kind, warm, person and that it comes from within and is not dependent on someone else for how you feel or think. Ok I can be slow about learning things but it opened my eyes to whether or not I am ok for a relationship. If I am unhappy without someone I can never be happy really with someone cause I place my own emotional trust in them. So find what things inside of you that you do like. I think you are stronger, more intelligent, compassionate, caring, and a lot more then what you think. Each day look in the mirror not to critize or judge but to say you know what you got a beautiful smile! something positive can make a world of difference over time versus the negative words we feed ourselves as if they were food.

Try therapy again and if you tell them you wish to do it med free perhaps they will find a way to help you do that. I don't know for sure but talking about it is better then holding it in. Take a class maybe at the local college in something you are interested in such as poetry, writing, pottery, art, photography. It is a way to meet people with similar interests and make new friends. Try talking to your hubby and telling him what you need. Hubbys can't read minds sadly and if you have done that then keep doing it. Take care of you and many hugs to you. The world would be a sadder place without you a part of it. That I do sincerely believe with all of my heart.

Eme

 
Old 06-15-2007, 10:25 AM   #6
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Re: Don't know what to do

Thanks everyone I'm starting to feel a bit better, for some reason mornings are the worst. Yes I learned in counselling last year that hubby couldn't read my mind and that has really helped our relationship. I guess it's just his spontanity sorta...if I ask for a hug he'll give me a hug but he never just does it same with a kiss I have to kiss him or ask for one rarely does he just lean over and give me a kiss for no reason. All that is a work in progress I know he's just learning to be more open he's working on it. Talking about it definately helps I feel better for getting it all out like I can move on with my day even though I still feel down I'm not having these issues bottled up. I had thought about a class and actually looked into a cooking class in my area but I couldn't find one and just kinda left it like that. Maybe I'll pick up a catalouge from the college and see if they offer any night or evening classes. I still feel like I want to crawl back in bed for the rest of the day but I don't feel like I'm going to burst into tears at work any more so that's an improvement

Last edited by desmaggie; 06-15-2007 at 10:29 AM.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 10:48 AM   #7
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Re: Don't know what to do

Emerald,

I really, thoroughly enjoyed your post.
We do learn a lot about ourselves... but sometimes, it takes more time than we think.

You're right: we do have to give ourselves compliments and feed ourselves to counter those imperfections we see in the mirror! Again, I enjoyed your response.

D.Maggie,
I'm glad you got that out instead of keeping it bottled up inside you. Keep posting... we like sharing views and responses!

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-15-2007 at 10:49 AM.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 12:13 PM   #8
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Re: Don't know what to do

Hi Maggie, why do you think that you don't like yourself? Where did it come from (not the reasons, like I am not the correct weight)? Have you ever liked yourself? Someone recently posted that they could never get over their miscarriage because they were never allowed to mourn this loss. Everyone kept telling her to move on, cheer up, you can try again, and what she really needed was just to be sad about the loss and mourn it. You are in Canada now (I am thinking about counseling options)?

 
Old 06-15-2007, 12:27 PM   #9
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
what she really needed was just to be sad about the loss and mourn it.
Maggie, this is soooo true. It's only been three months. Three months-the amount of time you had growing the baby. Allow yourself the time to greive, and don't make light of it. Grieve the way you feel you need to. Even though it was early in your pregnancy, it is still a baby. A baby that you loved, and a baby that you quickly lost. I lost a baby at 4.5 months, and I too, never was able to grieve. I went from my own surgical procedure of terminating a non-viable pregnancy, right into the operating room for my then 2.5 year old. And I think that because I never did grieve the loss of one baby, the resentment was pushed on to my next, and it really was hard to get through. So, while I have no advice about the other problems you're dealing with, (sorry) I just want to say sorry for your loss. It is sooo hard to lose a baby at any stage.
Amber

 
Old 06-15-2007, 12:52 PM   #10
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Re: Don't know what to do

I don't know why I don't like myself I've alway been an extremely self concious person I don't have a lot of confidence in my looks. When it comes to work I'm very confident and proud of my acomplishments. But it's all completly based on how I feel I look. I wasn't the prettiest girl in school (I know who cares) but my friends were always prettier so I think I just got use to thinking of myself as not the pretty on or the one that didn't have a boyfriend. I'm always surprised if someone says I"m good looking. I have trouble making eye contact with men (other than my husband) because I'm self consious. I was teased in high school for having a flat chest and I swore if I ever could afford implants I would get them and I did. When I hit the midpoint between my high and low weight I know that my body was pretty good and I went tanning and I have my nails done, hair etc I spend alot of $$ trying to look good but it just doesn't seem to work. When I was at the midpoint I did have more conidence in myself but I was still compaining/worrying that I was fat and now I'm even biger and all I want is to be the weight I use to complain about?
I don't know I think because of my insecurities that is why I married my first husband I was like he loves me he wants to marry me why not there's no one else. Yes I'm in Canada I guess I could try and find some sort of counselling rather than registered Physcologist but it will probably still be like $100 per visit.
Thank you everyone for the condolenses on loosing the baby ..that might be a big part of the problem today as we are trying again which my Dr. okayed and I took a PT last night and it was neg...I didn't expect it to be pos we just started but it still made me sad and then I found out two people I know are preg and one is with twins.. I feel I did greive I took 2.5 weeks off work one for greiving and the I had some complications and ended up off for another week & a half so 2.5 all together. Not to say I'm not still sad because I am but I accept those feelings and if I need to cry I'll go home and cry. I really think I need to learn to love myself and also to forgive myself for my mistakes and move on being happy...I just don't know how to do that

Last edited by desmaggie; 06-15-2007 at 01:11 PM.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 01:37 PM   #11
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Re: Don't know what to do

Maggie, I think that when people cannot love themselves that they didn't get enough love from their parents.....

 
Old 06-17-2007, 04:27 PM   #12
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Re: Don't know what to do

No I don't agree with that, my parents have alway been wonderful. My mother was a little judgemental and critizing but I don't think I can blame everything on them with out taking some responsibility

 
Old 06-18-2007, 07:31 AM   #13
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by desmaggie View Post
My mother was a little judgemental and critizing

but I don't think I can blame everything on them with out taking some responsibility
Maggie, don't underestimate what criticism and being judgemental can do to a child. I can definitely see how this would cause a child to not love themselves as much as they need to. Trying to understand where our issues come from is not blaming, it is understanding. IMO, you cannot resolve an issue until you discover its source because it will always be fed by this source until it is discovered and understood and changed in your own mind. You are taking responsibility now by trying to get better. People who do not take responsiblity continue to blame others for all of their problems. Like I said, it is not blaming, it is understanding.

Because your mother might have done something that harmed you doesn't mean that she didn't love you or that you are not valuable. It just means that your mom had her own issues which made her act this way. I am a mother and I have done my share of letting my issues affect my children but I have always been willing to work on my issues so I discovered what I was doing and stopped doing it. When I was harming my children (being a screamer) it certainly did not mean that I didn't love them or that they were not valuable. It had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

You say that you want to be responsible, well let your mother be responsible for her own doings too then. (But this doesn't mean that you have to tell her this. It just means that you get it straight in your own head - how your environment affected you so that you can stop letting it affect you).

Last edited by Sannah; 06-18-2007 at 07:38 AM.

 
Old 06-18-2007, 09:31 AM   #14
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Re: Don't know what to do

Sannah, when you word it like that I think you maybe right, I see what you are saying. There was lots of little things i.e. do you think you should eat that, why aren't you wearing any make up etc that too this day I remember her saying and if all these years later I still remember then obviously it affected me. Just last year she told me to be careful about my weight because once it hit 30 it would be harder to loose. I just rolled my eyes but honestly...you don't say that to a recovering anorexic true or not.

 
Old 06-18-2007, 09:45 AM   #15
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Re: Don't know what to do

Maggie, can you see where to go from here now?

 
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