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Old 06-15-2007, 08:51 AM   #1
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violaroses HB User
in a bad relationship with my mom

i am very depressed. its taking every effort not to cause myself physical pain because it hurts so much inside. but i wont hurt myself, that would be pointless. my dear dad died last aug, unexpecedly. : ( it was soo painful. mom met up with a guy a couple of months ago. i dont really like him, but its not for me to decide. but she has been so hurtful, she doesnt even care to live in the same city as her granddaughters, when before she would never think to leave them. now she doesnt want dads ashes, and yesterday she called to ask me to get her new fellow a fatherda day card and gift. how can she be so thoughtless, and so self centered? she already gave my DH the money. i called her back, and told her i thought about it, and i just couldnt. she said how about DH? or have a stranger pick out the card. i feel like i am losing my mind, i dont know how to survive today, i am so hurt.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 09:17 AM   #2
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emeraldeyes114 HB User
Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am not sure why your mom is so insistent upon getting this man something for father's day ( meaning boyfriend). That too me makes absolutely no sense really at all especially with your own father having died not that long ago. It sounds as if the death has affected her in a big way. She sounds almost as if she had done a 180 in how she responds or feels about things.

Don't hurt yourself even though for the moment it might help with the initial pain it won't cure the root of the problem. If you believe that you shouldn't have to give this man a gift then stick to your guns. You have a right to feel as you do and to be respected for that feeling. As a mom, you would think she would be more understanding of how you feel and be ok with it. Have you asked her why?

Hope you get to feeling better about this.

Eme

 
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Old 06-15-2007, 09:53 AM   #3
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violaroses HB User
Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

thank you for responding, no I dont like doctors too much, wouldnt want to spend any time with them getting hurt. but its like the pain is so much , i can physically feel like i have been stabbed in the back.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 10:33 AM   #4
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jujubeez725 HB User
Cool Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by violaroses View Post
i am very depressed. its taking every effort not to cause myself physical pain because it hurts so much inside. but i wont hurt myself, that would be pointless. my dear dad died last aug, unexpecedly. : ( it was soo painful. mom met up with a guy a couple of months ago. i dont really like him, but its not for me to decide. but she has been so hurtful, she doesnt even care to live in the same city as her granddaughters, when before she would never think to leave them. now she doesnt want dads ashes, and yesterday she called to ask me to get her new fellow a fatherda day card and gift. how can she be so thoughtless, and so self centered? she already gave my DH the money. i called her back, and told her i thought about it, and i just couldnt. she said how about DH? or have a stranger pick out the card. i feel like i am losing my mind, i dont know how to survive today, i am so hurt.

Hello Roses

Emerald brought about a very real and respectful reponse.

Your father has NOT been gone that long of a time for your mom to expect you to:

1) Accept her boyfriend - she's been seeing for a couple of months now? You still need time to grieve and heal! She's not being considerate of your feelings, IMO.

2) She's moved out of town w/this new guy.
This man has a lot of influence on your mom... nothing you can do about her choices.

3) She doesn't want your dad's ashes.
It's as if she's cutting loose of things. Maybe that's the way she's dealing with it.

4) I wouldn't buy her boyfriend a Father's Day card, either. You're right for telling her how you feel --be honest!
You don't even know this man (and really, neither does your mom. I certainly wouldn't move out of town with this man). Why should you buy him a card?

Above all, don't hurt yourself!
I know you're hurting, but there is a way to deal with this situation. You may have a little separation anxiety... just that your mom is moving away so soon and you're still grieving the loss of your dad--and Father's Day is just a couple of days away!
I'm a bit P.O.'d at your mom for being so inconsiderate of your feelings--especially now with Father's Day around the corner.

Rose, can you get into some therapy? That will definitely help you-- I know this for sure.

*Juju gives Rose a big cyber hug*
It will work out for you.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 11:21 AM   #5
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Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

u 2 are my guardian angels today, thank you, . we had a close net, the 3 of us, I am an adopted child . we moved out of the area, and mom and dad followed us. we were so close. i had an illeness that caused me not to be able to drive. so dad came and got us everyday back and forth to school. i can praise them to the moon and back.

the man she fell head over heels with lives in a trailer, no hot and cold running water, and an outhouse. 3 hours away, this was what she wanted, and demanded that i accecpt. then he makes a new will and leaves all his mines and gold, money to her. she doesnt want it, but he is a known eccentric in his town, and she has no choice but to make peace with it. i feel like i am in a dream

she tripped and broke her hip, now she is down here at her house, with rude mr wonderful.

i have been to counseling, i dont get anything out of it, i am a pleaser, and i feel guilty complaining when their is so much dealth out their when i am in the counseling room, i feel like a whiner./

 
Old 06-15-2007, 11:51 AM   #6
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Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by violaroses View Post
u 2 are my guardian angels today, thank you, . we had a close net, the 3 of us, I am an adopted child . we moved out of the area, and mom and dad followed us. we were so close. i had an illeness that caused me not to be able to drive. so dad came and got us everyday back and forth to school. i can praise them to the moon and back.

the man she fell head over heels with lives in a trailer, no hot and cold running water, and an outhouse. 3 hours away, this was what she wanted, and demanded that i accecpt. then he makes a new will and leaves all his mines and gold, money to her. she doesnt want it, but he is a known eccentric in his town, and she has no choice but to make peace with it. i feel like i am in a dream

she tripped and broke her hip, now she is down here at her house, with rude mr wonderful.

i have been to counseling, i dont get anything out of it, i am a pleaser, and i feel guilty complaining when their is so much dealth out their when i am in the counseling room, i feel like a whiner./
the man she fell head over heels with lives in a trailer, no hot and cold running water and an outhouse.

Ok, your mom moves out of a house to live with a man (that she doesn't know) that lives in a portable house w/no water or toilet????????

then he makes a new will and leaves all his mines and gold, money to her.

Uh, it seems Mr. Rude/Wonderful/Eccentric ought to get a house with real running water and an actual toilet
Never mind. He's obviously quite happy doing what he does.

she doesn't want it, but he is a known eccentric in this town, and she has no choice but to make peace with it.

So she doesn't want the mines and the gold, but she does want that portable house, no running water, and an outhouse. Maybe she's in love... I dunno

Don't feel like a whiner! You're entitled to your feelings! Say whatever it is you need to say in therapy and don't stifle yourself because you think you're whining!

 
Old 06-15-2007, 11:57 AM   #7
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by violaroses View Post
i have been to counseling, i dont get anything out of it,

i am a pleaser, and i feel guilty complaining when their is so much dealth out their when i am in the counseling room, i feel like a whiner./
Viola, sorry that you are feeling bad. Finding out why you are a pleaser would be something good to work on in therapy. It also sounds like you don't feel that you deserve to benefit from therapy? This would be another thing to work on.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 07:07 PM   #8
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

Hi Viola...
I remember you......I believe you posted awhile ago about this...but on a different board....I think it was the Grief board? I remember about you having such a difficult time with the loss of your dad...and coping with your mom's new man in her life. I'm so sorry this is still a struggle for you.
I agree with what the other posters said. It sounds like your mom has a very different way of dealing with things, but you can not change how she behaves or the choices she makes. I guess when you lose a parent, as hard as it is, but eventually sometimes they may meet someone else, and it will always be difficult to accept that person in their life. But I guess some people dont want to be alone and most people would probably accept that, rather than seeing their parent alone and unhappy. In your case though.....your father has recently passed away....to me, no where near enough time has passed for either of you to heal. For sure, I would not your mom's boyfriend a Fathers Day card, he is not your father. That day is reserved for your dad.....he may not be here, but it is still his day. And I think it is a little insensitive of your mom to ask you to do that (sorry, hope that doesnt upset you).
So Viola, I am sure that Fathers Day will be difficult for you, so just do what you need to, so you can get through it yourself.....I'm sure your father is still with you in spirit.
Post anytime, there are lots of people here always willing to help and listen.

Carsam

Last edited by mary09; 06-15-2007 at 07:09 PM.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 07:21 PM   #9
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emeraldeyes114 HB User
Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

Viola,

(((Hugs))) we can get enough of them in life so I add a few more. Being a pleaser is hard work. First you can never make everyone happy and yourself happy at the same time. Second we always forget the first part and keep trying anyway. In the end, we are worn out, depressed, and feel confused at why we keep doing it even though we know no different. For me the hardest thing is saying no to those I love. The first I did I think I smiled for a week could've been longer but the result was the same. You can't do for others and forget to do for you. It is not being selfish it's being human. You are not whining and it is understandable why you feel as you do.

I was thinking that perhaps Mom is similar to my mom. My mom got divorced in January and remarried that September. They had been living together in April. He had three kids from his first marriage and so did she. I think my mom married him so she wouldn't be alone. I think she was afraid of being alone when she had been married to my dad going on thirteen years when they divorced. Perhaps your mom does love him but more so is afraid of being alone. I would imagine she had your father in her life for a number of years. It would be hard one day to sit down at breakfast or dinner and he is there. Then suddenly he is gone. It shakes up your whole world. I imagine it did yours as well. Do you think it is possible? And maybe once she was there she felt she had no other choice that perhaps she might feel as if she is stuck there. So she stays. I don't know just a thought.

More hugs and many blessings to you.

Eme

 
Old 06-16-2007, 06:24 PM   #10
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Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

one thing i know in my heart is mom loved dad very much, and i know how hurt she was, she counts herself lucky she found love again. i have seen her in so much pain, its nice not to see her upset anymore. it felt like a 2by4 when it first happened. i just wish he was decent and nice. i wish he treat my DH with common respect.
example- today, my DH and my girls bumped into moms boyfriend at the store, and he reaches in and gives them candy from the candy bin- and gives to the girls, they are so happy, and ate it(gulp-they got talked to after) , and completly ignored dh, and even dh spoke to him. it is making me laugh now, at first when i heard about it i was so mad.

pleaser- i thought about it- it actually makes me happy on the most part, i guess i am used to having the tips of my lips saying yes, and then sometimes i wonder why did i do that. ?

 
Old 06-16-2007, 06:28 PM   #11
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: in a bad relationship with my mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by violaroses View Post
pleaser- i thought about it- it actually makes me happy on the most part, i guess i am used to having the tips of my lips saying yes, and then sometimes i wonder why did i do that. ?
For how long does the happiness last?

 
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