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Old 06-15-2007, 05:15 PM   #1
NVD NVD is offline
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Amber

My name is Ken, I am Amber's husband. I know Amber comes here often.
I want to say thank you for giving her a safe place to come to and for making her feel safe to be herself.
I can see she's already posted a lot of what's been going on in her life. Times have been hard for her. She really is a good person. Just a person going through hell right now.
Amber is now in the hospital. Early this morning, she drank quite a bit of wine, trying to relax when she couldn't sleep. When one glass didn't help, she would drink another. This morning, she took some Ativan, and again, when it didn't help, she took some more. She says she thought the alcohol would be out of her system by then, but she had an adverse reaction to it, and became quite ill today. She won't talk to me, and she won't tell me how she's feeling, and seems to be shutting down even more. She's going to be monitored for tonight, and will be discharged, probably with some antidepressants, and a referral to an outpatient therapy center in California tomorrow. I don't know what to say to her. I have recently said some things that really hurt her, and I feel terrible for that. We have three young kids together two of which are going through some tough medical situations, whom she loves very much, but I know it has been hard on her to take care of the two sick ones, the baby, and deal with everything else that has shown up in her life lately. How do I talk to her without making her more upset? I don't want to make her feel like something is wrong with her, but I can't help but notice how much she has changed in the last few months. She really is depressed, and it's effecting her entire life. Part of me wants to believe that this was an accident, or a misjudgement on her part, but I'm having a hard time believing it. Sorry for the long post, but if anyone can guide me in a way to talk to her, or how to treat her when she comes home, it really would be a big help. Thank you, I'm glad she at least has this site to come to.
Sincerely,
Ken

 
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Old 06-15-2007, 06:28 PM   #2
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Re: Amber

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I haven't been on the board lately, but I have posted to Amber when she first joined. I'm not the best to give you advice, since Sannah and Dakota know her best. But I think what she really needs is unconditional love and support from you. Whether her hospitalization is accidental or intentional shouldn't be a concern at the moment because the "blame and responsibility" game isn't going to do any good but will only elevate tension between you two. Be there for her. I think your love will get her through this.

Please let her know that I'm praying for her and am looking forward for her to come back to the board.

-lilme

 
Old 06-15-2007, 06:34 PM   #3
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Re: Amber

Hi Ken,
My name is Caroline and I consider myself a friend of Ambers on this site. I have posted to her many times. It was quite a surprise to see the post and realize that it was actually her husband. This doesnt happen often on here, and I feel a little odd responding....but I couldn't not do it. I am so sorry to hear she is in hospital, but I know things have been really difficult for her lately.
Ken, I dont actually suffer from depression, but my mom does. That's why I firstly came to this board, to get some insight and advice on how to help her, and I think I've been really fortunate to get that from the wonderful people here. Ken, Amber is going through so much right now (I know you all are)....but I think she's really overwhelmed....with all of the issues she's dealing with, and I think that all her stressful situations are triggering her depression even moreso. I think she could really benefit from some time for herself Ken. From the first time I read Amber's post, it was crystal clear how much love she has for her family...she's truly a remarkable person. And I think she's trying God bless her to hold in all her emotions to be a "rock" for everyone. Maybe Ken you can be that "rock" for her. I know now when my mom goes through depressive episodes, that I try to give her what she needs. If she wants me to be there physically, then I am. If she needs space I give it to her. And I let her know that she does not have to put on a brave face all the time for us. She doesnt need to feel guilty that her feelings might affect her family, she has enough on her plate. In saying that Ken, Amber has so much more going on...with the health issues of her children and other stuff. Having 3 children is difficult on a good day....but throw in health issues....I dont know how you guys deal with it. It's so frightening and physically and emotionally draining to actually go through all those medical tests with your child. I have experienced this, and I so feel for her in this regard.
So Ken, from my experience as someone who has a loved one who suffers from this illness, just be there for her, give her plenty of hugs, she needs to just feel loved and to feel safe right now. And she needs to feel like "Amber". This is just my opinion. I hope Amber will be okay with me responding to you, like I said, this doesnt happen often on the board, but I know you want the best for her and love her. Please know Amber and her entire family have a special place in our hearts here. Amber knows we are here for her...
I hope I havent said anything bad or that Amber will be upset with me for....and if I've said anything that's not right about her illness, I hope and pray some of the other posters here will jump in and correct me or add more to it, as I'm not an expert, just someone who cares about Amber. This is too delicate a situation to say the wrong thing...so I hope it helps at least a little. I will say a prayer tonight for Amber, you and your family...that you will all come through this an even stronger family than you already are. You all love each other so very much, you cant get a better starting point than that!!

Blessings to you Ken,
Carsam
P.S. If Amber does not get out tomorrow, perhaps you could let us know that she is okay. We will be praying for her here.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 06:37 PM   #4
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Re: Amber

Justlilme...
Just saw your post.....and I think what you said was very true. Ken, she needs your "unconditional love and support".....and as lilme says, that will get her through...

Carsam

 
Old 06-15-2007, 07:06 PM   #5
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Re: Amber

And I think she's trying God bless her to hold in all her emotions to be a "rock" for everyone. Maybe Ken you can be that "rock" for her.--carsam

hi ken,

i think what caroline said up there is very true! we've all come to know amber at least a bit through her posts, and we realize that she can't really take it anymore. she's been the "strong one" for so long, the one who always took care of everyone that i even suggested for her (just this morning) to go into a hospital at least for a week. ken, she NEEDS to get her head straigth again. she can't see anything in front of her eyes anymore. the woman tries to appear "ok" in front of you guys--her family, but inside she's screaming for help. she can't hold on anymore, ken!! she needs a bit of respite from everything. i told her she can't go on like this for too long anymore, because she will definitely end up in a not-so-good of a place....and look what happened, ken. she NEEDS to be away from everyone for a while (and not because she doesn't love you guys, just the contrary--because she does, and because she wants and needs to be there for you all years from now). but if she doesn't do something about herself and her health NOW, ken, this day-to-day stuff will only add up and be the end of her. she's living in a traumatized world (even if it's in her head, it is real, because it's her perception of things--after all, reality is only our perception of the world). she is exceptionally tired. tired to the core. she was just telling me/us how she was trying to make it minute by minute, and couldn't even think about 5-10 years from now, when i mentioned that she needs to care for her health, since her kids will need her mother 5-10 years from now. she mentioned how she put the phone in the freezer and couldn't make coffee in the morning, for the life of her... ken, i told her these are all signs that her body is using to tell her it's time to STOP. if she pushes herself much longer, i'm truly scared for her, ken.

in saying this, maybe you can somehow encourage her to stay there at the hospital for another 3-4 days, just for some peace and quiet ken. please do this for her. i'm sorry, i don't know you very well, but i've gotten to know her, and i'm really very sorry for her. being a depressive myself, i hate and suffer to see other depressives go through so much pain and anguish. she's slowly destroying and tearing herself apart if she's to go on this way forever, ken. and you know, i'm sure you can manage the kids for 3-4 days. the outpatient care center sounds good, but beyond anything right at this moment, i think she needs some damn rest, ken. i'm sorry i'm vulgar, but i am emotional when i speak about these things...i guess it's because i know some of the feelings she must be feeling, and i can only imagine how these emotions are compounded inside of her, by a past of abuse and by two sick little kids....

i'm very sorry for being so blunt with you, but this is what i think.
my blessings to you all, and please tell her dakota is praying for her, and loves her!!
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Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 06-15-2007 at 07:09 PM.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 07:18 PM   #6
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Re: Amber

Ken,
I just read Dakota's post.....
I wrote to you as Amber's friend, and as someone who knows what it's like to watch a loved one go through depression.....Dakota also is a friend of Ambers but suffers from this and understands better....everything she said Ken about Amber is very true from all that she has shared with us. I really agree she needs some immediate time away for herself...so she can get some strength to come back and deal with all of this. Your wife is really strong Ken and she has endured alot in her life......but the strongest person will crumble if their foundation is not solid..... she needs to build up her "foundation" again.....please be there for her. Just by coming here, I know you will.

Caroline

 
Old 06-15-2007, 07:23 PM   #7
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Re: Amber

dear C,

i really believe amber NEEDS this right NOW!!!!. thanks for agreeing with me. however, it is possible that even though ken may tell her to stay there, she WON'T want to...that would be bad!!
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Old 06-15-2007, 07:31 PM   #8
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Re: Amber

Yes, D, you're right, she does need it now! I hope my post didnt suggest otherwise because I really do agree with you. And I hope to God that she does stay there and get some rest. She wasnt very receptive to the idea when you suggested it, but maybe now she will rethink....and if Ken can convince her....
Let's you and me say some serious prayers for her tonight, I really think she needs them right now.
I am worried for her....
C

 
Old 06-15-2007, 07:48 PM   #9
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Re: Amber

heck, C, i was feeling really BAD for her this morning, that's what i even insinuated hospital...and you know that i would NEVER go to such lengths if i didn't see a need for it. it's actually the first time ever that i suggested this to anybody on this board!!! but she is burnt beyond belief!!! yet she keeps thinking she can go on and do it...on auto pilot, like a robot. until she collapses. and look...she did!! well, she tried very, very hard, but anyone who would read between her lines, on her latest posts, would've seen that coming, C.

yes, your prayers are always heard (I'M SURE OF THAT NOW! dear C!!! i know it. your heart is pure.
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-15-2007, 08:07 PM   #10
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jules3 HB User
Re: Amber

hi ken, i have been reading and responding to amber..the whole story just breaks my heart. she has a horrible fear of this lunatic coming into her life..im trying to understand why he is in the picture, is he really stalking her or is it a coincidence? yes i agree she needs rest and anti-depressants, they will help her..but the bottom line here is getting this creep away from her. so she can rest and just take care of her family. this cant be all in her mind can it? im just not sure..depression and anxiety can do alot to your mind and body. please take care of her and your babies..i will keep your family in my prayers.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 08:27 PM   #11
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: Amber

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota_Skye View Post
well, she tried very, very hard, but anyone who would read between her lines, on her latest posts, would've seen that coming, C.
Dakota....what you just said is so true....I did see this coming.....and I wish there was something more I could have done (or said) to help her.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 09:25 PM   #12
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Re: Amber

Many thanks to all of you. I was wondering why Amber would come to this site so much, but I see that she has made some good, caring friends here.

Amber is very close with her old psychologist in Las Vegas. Barbara called and talked to her at the hospital a bit ago, and Amber told her that she was desperate for some sleep, that she stopped drinking the wine after her third glass, and still hadn't fallen asleep at 7:00, so she tried the ativan. And when it still didn't work, she took two more. Barbara said that usually she probably would have been okay with this, but since her body is so run down, it reacted in a bad way. This makes me feel a little better that this wasn't intentional.

James has emotionally damaged her for good. She has such a hard time talking about it still to this day. I can see in her eyes how hard it is for her, so I usually don't bring it up. I think the hard part is that father is friends with him, and didn't protect her like a father should. The last time this happened really put her in her lowest spot. We have moved from location to location, and he has always shown up in one form or another. We have blocked our phone number, and made sure we were not listed in the phonebook, we've changed our phone number on a regular basis, but somehow, he's managed to find information out still. We've applied for restraining orders everytime we find out he's nearby again, but this is a free country; he's allowed to live where he wants. Living in the same state, or even the same town doesn't pose a physical risk, according to the courts. Stalking laws really don't seem to protect the victims, unless true physical harm is done. Then this past year, her family who still talks with her dad, moved right down the street-just a few houses down. Shortly after, we found out that James was living not too far from our town again; and she's been going down hill since. I've tried talking her into moving again, but she doesn't think it will be of use, and said she's tired of running from him.

Dakota_Skye and Carsam (Caroline), Amber is our rock. She's what keeps our family together, and what keeps us going. She worries so much about our kids. She worries about our daughters. Our two year old has started collapsing. While she jumps into survival mode and instinctively seems to know what to do, I become paralyzed. When our five year old starts throwing up, even though she's not supposed to be able to, she sits there rubbing her back the entire time, and then when she's able to, calls the doctor. I become angry, because her first doctor messed our daughter up so bad. Our son still nurses, and is very attached to his mom. She tries to keep him open to getting his nourishment anyway he can, but he's a persistat little bugger. So I think sometimes it's just easier for her to give in and nurse him, than to listen to him cry. She thinks he's sensing her stress, so he needs the comfort, so she feels bad making him cry. I can only imagine how much she is worrying right now. Probably worrying about how I am going to react if either of our girls have any thing wrong tonight. Probably worried that our son is crying, and still probably worried that James is still somewhere near. The latter one is a never ending fear.

She doesn't want me to be at the hospital, and I think she's still upset with me. I'm going to give her tonight to think things through, and I'll try again in the morning.

I am not sure if she will have a say in staying in the hospital or not. Since she is saying that this was not a suicide attempt, I don't think they are obligated to keep her for treatment. I will talk to Barbara again in the morning, maybe she can call the hospital and talk to them more.

Thank you everyone for responding to my post. I didn't know if I was allowed to do this or not, but I am glad that I did.
Ken

 
Old 06-16-2007, 05:33 AM   #13
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Re: Amber

She doesn't want me to be at the hospital, and I think she's still upset with me. I'm going to give her tonight to think things through, and I'll try again in the morning.

I am not sure if she will have a say in staying in the hospital or not. Since she is saying that this was not a suicide attempt, I don't think they are obligated to keep her for treatment. I will talk to Barbara again in the morning, maybe she can call the hospital and talk to them more.
--ken

hi ken,
dont worry too much about now, and amber not wanting to speak to you. shutting down for a day or two may be good for her body and mind when she has nothing left. i'm thinking it's the body's way of preserving whatever energy it has. don't take it personally. she's extremely sensitive now, too. we would all be, if we were in her shoes. and if we all know her, we know she won't be "shutting down" for long!! she loves you, ken, and she loves her kids. she lives for you guys. but she needs to live for herself too. if her health is not good, she can't take care of anyone.

yes, a couple of glasses of wine and two ambien shouldn't be a lethal combo, (and it was NOT intentional--the woman wanted to sleep a little), but like her psych said, her body was too weak to even withstand that. so, as you mentioned yesterday, ken, please speak to her psychologist and see if she can talk to those hospital people and maybe extend her stay there for a few more days. ken, if it's not this incident, (these 2 glasses of wine and 2 sleeping pills) to bring her body sooooo down--god knows what will be, because as her psych said, her body is so fragile now, and so ran down, that she cant stand anything pushing "against" her anymore. her immune system is probably low too.

didn't mean to bother you again with this post, but just wanted to say it again.
blessings!
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Old 06-16-2007, 05:46 AM   #14
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Re: Amber

Hi Ken, do you think that this pervert will try to attack her again? This seems to be her biggest fear here and what is driving her the craziest. We have all grown quite fond of Amber here. For you to come here to get help really says a lot about you and how supportive you are of her. She needs massive support constantly from you. She really needs to feel that you are completely on her side. Please try to help her feel safe and secure. I think that if she can start to feel safe and secure that she can get to a better place. Do you think that there is anyway to decrease her fear level of this creep? Please be strong for her about this situation. Do not show her that you are afraid of this situation at all. Fear feeds fear and she really needs to find some courage here.

 
Old 06-16-2007, 06:12 AM   #15
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Re: Amber

Quote:
Originally Posted by NVD View Post
James has emotionally damaged her for good. She has such a hard time talking about it still to this day. I can see in her eyes how hard it is for her, so I usually don't bring it up. I think the hard part is that father is friends with him, and didn't protect her like a father should.
Ken
Hi Ken....looks like we're all here for Amber this morning.......
Ken, what you just said....it's just my opinion...I know it is hard for her, but even if "she" doesnt want to talk about it.....you need to rather than "not bring it up", make her feel that this man is not the one in control - that YOU are. Constant reassurance of this by you will help her to feel safer, and then maybe she can start to feel more control for herself. I agree with Sannah, this is I believe the biggest piece of the puzzle that is getting to Amber right now...and a good starting place. And the fact that her father is friends with him.....I feel this is a big part of the problem as well. When I see that you guys have moved around, and he is still there, no wonder the poor woman is afraid. No matter what, she still does not feel safe, and that's what she needs. Yes, I believe this man "emotionally damaged" her, but not "for good". If that was the case, she couldnt have been strong enough to become a wife and a mother to three children. She is strong, and with help, I'm hoping she can come to terms with this.

Just my suggestion..maybe she could go to Vegas and spend time with Barbara for a few days after her stay in the hospital. I know there is alot going on....but if there was something wrong with your children, they would get help right away, no waiting for the "right time". The right time for Amber is now.....

Please let us know how she is.....like Dakota says dont worry if she is upset with you.....it will pass....it's more important to get started on helping her heal from this. Please be there for her....and we will also.

Blessings to you Ken....
Carsam

 
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