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Old 06-18-2007, 09:40 AM   #1
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Unhappy My mom severely needs professional help.....

My dad left her about over a year and a half ago and she still has never seen a couselor and refuses to see one. She says she cannot afford antidepressants even with insurance because of the copay and does not want to look into getting assistence for it because if her careless attitude about it and everything else. She just recenty found out shes in the beginning stage of Emphezema and she said last night she doesnt care if she dies and said "whats the point" when I asked her if she was going to quit smoking. She's blaming her mom for the divorce and everyone else for her agony shes been going through because she just tells us how bad of children we are. We have all told her this whole time to go see a counselor and she thinks were are telling her that so we dont have to deal with her and that the only thing a counselor would do is tell her that its ok to be alone.

I cant stand seeing her like this and was tempted to drag her over to the mental hospital (because a similar thing happened to a friends grandma and they had to do it after she tried to hit one of her daughter's with her car) I told her I do have to see my dad and probably will meet his girlfriend, and later on she told me she hopes I like her because she's my new mother and that shes not mine anymore. Shes really delusional and is reading my grandma's email's and snooping around my brother's house one time like she doesnt trust anyone.

I dont know what its going to take, its been over a year and a half and she needs to start trying to move on with her life and I know that shes not in the right state of mind but I cant deal with it anymore. If I see that she's calling me my heart starts pounding because Im afraid that shes calling to sulk about something and I cant be her counselor! I have my own depression (although not as severe) to deal with and I just can handle it.

Well what can I do? Do I have to physically force her to be in a mental hospital? Can anyone give any advice?

Last edited by saphire82; 06-18-2007 at 11:22 AM.

 
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Old 06-18-2007, 10:47 AM   #2
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by saphire82 View Post
My dad left her about over a year and a half ago and she still has never seen a couselor and refuses to see one. She says she cannot afford antidepressants even with insurance because of the copay and does not want to look into getting assistence for it because if her careless attitude about it and everything else. She just recenty found out shes in the beginning stage of Leukemia and she said last night she doesnt care if she dies and said "whats the point" when I asked her if she was going to quit smoking. She's blaming her mom for the divorce and everyone else for her agony shes been going through because she just tells us how bad of children we are. We have all told her this whole time to go see a counselor and she thinks were are telling her that so we dont have to deal with her and that the only thing a counselor would do is tell her that its ok to be alone.

I cant stand seeing her like this and was tempted to drag her over to the mental hospital (because a similar thing happened to a friends grandma and they had to do it after she tried to hit one of her daughter's with her car) I told her I do have to see my dad and probably will meet his girlfriend, and later on she told me she hopes I like her because she's my new mother and that shes not mine anymore. Shes really delusional and is reading my grandma's email's and snooping around my brother's house one time like she doesnt trust anyone.

I dont know what its going to take, its been over a year and a half and she needs to start trying to move on with her life and I know that shes not in the right state of mind but I cant deal with it anymore. If I see that she's calling me my heart starts pounding because Im afraid that shes calling to sulk about something and I cant be her counselor! I have my own depression (although not as severe) to deal with and I just can handle it.

Well what can I do? Do I have to physically force her to be in a mental hospital? Can anyone give any advice?
Is she being treated for the leukemia?

Is it possible that you can speak with the hospital patient advocate or social worker and tell them of the situation, and see if perhaps they can talk to her and see if your mom will allow them to find someone can help her with what's happened to her?

She's going to be suspicious and guarded, and it will take her a while to adjust -- but she does need help with these changes in her life: your dad leaving her and the leukemia.

Both are life-changing events, and she needs to be around others who can say, "I've been there and I know what it's like."

 
Old 06-18-2007, 10:52 AM   #3
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Woops! my mistake I meant the beginning stages of emphezema (sp?) They did find a spot on her lungs supposedly but either she made that up or they told her it was nothing because they wouldve let her know right away if it was something.

 
Old 06-18-2007, 11:25 AM   #4
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by saphire82 View Post
Woops! my mistake I meant the beginning stages of emphezema (sp?) They did find a spot on her lungs supposedly but either she made that up or they told her it was nothing because they wouldve let her know right away if it was something.

Emphezema Ok, not Leukemia.

Anyway it goes, your mom definitely is depressed, saying that she doesn't care (about her life).

She doesn't want to talk to anybody; she doesn't want therapy.
She does need to get something done, b/c it's been, what, a year and a half and she's still not getting any help???

Sounds like your dad was her whole world... or at least 95% of it.
She's got to do something to start moving on with her life.

 
Old 06-18-2007, 11:47 AM   #5
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Well thankfully just now about 7 missed calls and 4 sobbing messages later she finally told me on her last message she made an appointment with a psychologist, and Im so happy to hear that but at the same time dont trust that shell either go to the appointment or keep up with it. But already that takes a large load off my chest, just knowing that she's actually taking our advice (although reluctantly and still blaming us)

My issue is that Im having trouble determining if I really havent been there enough for her, its been really tough for me to even contact her on my own because when she calls me my heart just starts pounding and I get really upset and warm. I told her Im dealing with my own issues and tried telling her in a nice way that I miss the old her and would probably call her more often if she actually went and got the help that she needed but refused to get. Because after a while it was just way too much for me to handle and I couldnt make myself call her, I was just too afraid to and didnt want her to make me feel depressed.

 
Old 06-19-2007, 06:57 AM   #6
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by saphire82 View Post
Well thankfully just now about 7 missed calls and 4 sobbing messages later she finally told me on her last message she made an appointment with a psychologist, and Im so happy to hear that but at the same time dont trust that shell either go to the appointment or keep up with it. But already that takes a large load off my chest, just knowing that she's actually taking our advice (although reluctantly and still blaming us)

My issue is that Im having trouble determining if I really havent been there enough for her, its been really tough for me to even contact her on my own because when she calls me my heart just starts pounding and I get really upset and warm. I told her Im dealing with my own issues and tried telling her in a nice way that I miss the old her and would probably call her more often if she actually went and got the help that she needed but refused to get. Because after a while it was just way too much for me to handle and I couldnt make myself call her, I was just too afraid to and didnt want her to make me feel depressed.

I'm glad she decided to go ahead and finally get the help that she needs!
Yes, she's going to blame everyone else BUT herself for what has happened; but it's NOBODY'S fault.
It's not her fault; it's not the kids' fault that the husband/father left.

He did what he felt was best for him; now, I have the feeling it may come back to bite him in the butt... however, it's his choice -- however rotten it may be to your mom.

It is now up to her to make the best of her life and learn her own strengths now. Had this not have happened, she may never know how strong and resilient she is. She has to make her own choices in her life; essentially, she's learning to be the captain of her own ship.

My issue is that Im having trouble determining if I really havent been there enough for her

You've done all you possibly can under the circumstances.
You also have to see to your own health and well-being. You mother is now learning that.

Some people want you to keep being their LP (as we used call it when we were kids).
An LP is a "Leaning Post".
A person winds up getting into a situation that forces them to stand on their own 2 feet and recognize that they have to do things for themselves. No matter how many times you told your mother she needed help for the situation she's in, she would continue to come to you when she has to learn to go and get the help she knows she needs.
Sounds like she was depending on you and your dad, in a sense.
Now she'll learn to depend on herself

 
Old 06-20-2007, 11:09 AM   #7
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

One thing about her standing on her own two feet is that she talks about it like its a bad thing. We were having another arguement about all this one the phone last time and she was saying "so I guess ill just have to be a stronger person and do things for myself from now on" but saying it like it was a bad thing. I told her well yeah is that a bad thing or something? everyone else does! She works but always complains that she cant afford EVERYTHING and always brags about when people offered to buy things for her. She even asked me and my husband to ask my father in law for a couple thousand dollars just to have using her $500 car accident as an excuse and got mad at US after we told her no we cant (it was ridiculous in the first place to even ask for it because she didnt even need it except for just "having it"). We came back from vacation and she would barely talk to me and my husband because of it. She says she quit taking her meds because she cant afford it and she even has insurance. I mean she doesnt want to have to do anything on her own or have to pay for anything. She keeps hinting for things she wants as if she doesnt expect to have to pay for it. Ive helped her out before when all this happened at first but shes been working at staying at my grandma's and not paying rent or really anything so she has no excuse. Its not like we make a lot of money ourselves.

I guess people are just getting fed up with it. When she tolds me my grandma called her a "user" and my aunt told her to start acting like an adult, I wanted to tell her well maybe some of its true but of coarse she would get ****** off about it if I told her that because she wouldnt understand. Well I havent talked to her for a few days because apparently she said shes not my mother anymore and I assume shes mad at me. God I hope she goes to the psychologist....ill be so mad if she doesnt.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 10:54 PM   #8
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Could it be the generation gap making it so hard for the two of you to see eye to eye?

Also depending upon her age bracket she may have a lot of old fashoined attitudes about men taking care of women? My mother was born in 48. As far as I know during that day and age it was very unusual to find a woman who was single and alone and independent. If a man didn't take care of you, you were nothing. It could be a big blow to her ego/identity to be alone, and become independent. Don't know if any of this applies in this situation or not.

Last edited by blondeone; 06-20-2007 at 10:56 PM.

 
Old 06-21-2007, 07:20 AM   #9
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by saphire82 View Post
One thing about her standing on her own two feet is that she talks about it like its a bad thing. We were having another arguement about all this one the phone last time and she was saying "so I guess ill just have to be a stronger person and do things for myself from now on" but saying it like it was a bad thing. I told her well yeah is that a bad thing or something? everyone else does! She works but always complains that she cant afford EVERYTHING and always brags about when people offered to buy things for her. She even asked me and my husband to ask my father in law for a couple thousand dollars just to have using her $500 car accident as an excuse and got mad at US after we told her no we cant (it was ridiculous in the first place to even ask for it because she didnt even need it except for just "having it"). We came back from vacation and she would barely talk to me and my husband because of it. She says she quit taking her meds because she cant afford it and she even has insurance. I mean she doesnt want to have to do anything on her own or have to pay for anything. She keeps hinting for things she wants as if she doesnt expect to have to pay for it. Ive helped her out before when all this happened at first but shes been working at staying at my grandma's and not paying rent or really anything so she has no excuse. Its not like we make a lot of money ourselves.

I guess people are just getting fed up with it. When she tolds me my grandma called her a "user" and my aunt told her to start acting like an adult, I wanted to tell her well maybe some of its true but of coarse she would get ****** off about it if I told her that because she wouldnt understand. Well I havent talked to her for a few days because apparently she said shes not my mother anymore and I assume shes mad at me. God I hope she goes to the psychologist....ill be so mad if she doesnt.
Saphire,

Your mom is angry b/c she's used to being "taken care of"; and now she has to do it herself. She doesn't like it.

She even asked me and my husband to ask my father in law for a couple thousand dollars just to have using her $500 car accident as an excuse and got mad at US after we told her no we cant

That's her problem.
You & your husband are right not to ask for that money. She's wrong to put you both in that predicament -- I wouldn't do it either. She'll have to learn to live within her means, and you and your husband are not supposed to suppy her. You have your OWN family to take care of.

I mean she doesnt want to have to do anything on her own or pay for anything. She keeps hinting for things she wants as if she doesnt expect to have to pay for it

She's going to have to learn this the hard way. She MUST pay her OWN way.

When she tolds me my grandma called her a "user" and my aunt told her to start acting like an adult,

I'm glad somebody caller her out on it!

 
Old 06-21-2007, 08:36 PM   #10
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Yeah perhaps it is her age group, she was born in 51 so that would make a lot of sense. I did get after her when she asked for that money and one of her responses was that she just got desperate. Im thinking shes depressed that shes getting older and doesnt know if shes going to have a good life or a really hard life, just having to be able to accept the change?

Its just really said when she was complaining about those comments, I felt like telling her that they were kinda right but the state that shes in she cant take criticism at all.

I talked to my sister-in law today (brothers wife) and she had talked to her the other day and a couple of things she said was that she told her that I had "disowned" her...probably because of the fact that the last time I talked to her she didnt want to go back to my grandma's house because they had an arguement (about being a "user" and growing up) and was trying to hint to stay here, so Im thinking this is going to make me have a breakdown and extrememly depressed if she even stays here for a day, because Im sure if it would be one night it would be many more, eventually she'd probably get comfortable and put off finding her own place longer (which shes already waited a year and a half).

She also asked her "how do you stop loving your kids!" I understand shes upset about people putting their foot down with her and her sulking, but these are the kind of pity tactics she uses.

Last edited by saphire82; 06-21-2007 at 08:39 PM.

 
Old 06-22-2007, 07:36 AM   #11
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Re: My mom severely needs professional help.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by saphire82 View Post
Yeah perhaps it is her age group, she was born in 51 so that would make a lot of sense. I did get after her when she asked for that money and one of her responses was that she just got desperate. Im thinking shes depressed that shes getting older and doesnt know if shes going to have a good life or a really hard life, just having to be able to accept the change?

Its just really said when she was complaining about those comments, I felt like telling her that they were kinda right but the state that shes in she cant take criticism at all.

I talked to my sister-in law today (brothers wife) and she had talked to her the other day and a couple of things she said was that she told her that I had "disowned" her...probably because of the fact that the last time I talked to her she didnt want to go back to my grandma's house because they had an arguement (about being a "user" and growing up) and was trying to hint to stay here, so Im thinking this is going to make me have a breakdown and extrememly depressed if she even stays here for a day, because Im sure if it would be one night it would be many more, eventually she'd probably get comfortable and put off finding her own place longer (which shes already waited a year and a half).

She also asked her "how do you stop loving your kids!" I understand shes upset about people putting their foot down with her and her sulking, but these are the kind of pity tactics she uses.
Your mom is very ... VERY used to being taken care of, and with your father leaving her, it's even worse.

You are right: she's probably thinking about what kind of life she'll have now that your father is gone and she has to make it on her own.

I felt like telling her they were kinda right but the state that shes in she cant take criticism at all

It was good that you didn't say anything. You're right--she can't take any criticism at all.
It's hard to talk to a person when they are so down about things; that's why she needs to see a therapist.

I'd have to let her stay w/her mom -- your grandmother.
If you think she's asking you to pay for things for her now, just imagine if she lived with you!
Let her stay where she is and let her talk with her therapist so she can sort through what has happened and start setting goals for herself.

She needs this.

 
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