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Old 06-19-2007, 05:20 PM   #1
NVD NVD is offline
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What to say?

I've been sitting her looking at the computer for the last two hours, wondering how I was going to show my face around here again. I know that my husband has kept you all in the loop about what happened on Friday, so it's very hard coming here, wondering what everyone is "really" thinking of me on the other side.
Everyone keeps saying that it's okay. That I will be okay. That I have to be okay. That it's okay to cry. But you know what? It's really not okay. I AM NOT okay! I AM NOT okay, Dammit! This week feels like years have passed me by, and it's only been four days. Four ****ing days!
Everyone kept telling me that I didn't have to fear him. I needed to grow past the fear that I had from him, and learn to face it. That I didn't have to fear him hurting me anymore. I'm sorry I wasn't able to meet those expectations. I wanted to believe this. I really, really did. I wanted to wake up one day, and feel happy, and feel brave, and strong. But it was always the opposite. I never got past feeling sad, or scared or weak. But at least I could put on a happy face for my kids. Or hide my fear, or pretend to be strong. And now, I can't even face my kids, and I hate facing my husband. It hurts. It hurts so damn bad. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to live. It really, really hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. Hasn't it hurt long enough?
Amber

 
Old 06-19-2007, 05:38 PM   #2
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Re: What to say?

Amber....

Be angry, be mad, shout, scream pound your fist punch walls if you have to......

YOU HAVE EVER RIGHT to be angry.... I am so sorry this happened to you again. You didn't deserve this s***.

Sid

 
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Old 06-19-2007, 06:01 PM   #3
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Re: What to say?

Amber....it is so good to "see" you.............
We have all been so worried about you!!! Amber I want to say all the right things here....but there are none. There is nothing I can say that will make this all right for you! Nothing anyone can say except you were right Amber. Right about him all along.
Amber..you are wondering how you would show your face....everyone on here is going to be so happy to see your post. You are wondering what to say? All you had to say was "Hello"....and we would all have smiled. Amber, I'm not sure hon, if you've read all the threads or not...not sure what you're up for reading....but you have become so special to us.....Amber we knew there was something special about you from when we met you. I could never have imagined anything like this happening. None of us could. Amber, sweetheart, of course it is not okay. And of course YOU are not okay. How could you be? Amber, what happened is so fresh...just take time to feel what you do right now, you have EVERY entitlement. God Amber, I have no experience in this kind of violence, but I can only offer you words from my heart, because you have become so very dear to me. The more I learn about you, the more I realize what a truly incredible person you are, what you've come through...what you've endured. It's too much Amber. And you've been crying out for help for the longest time hon. I hope and pray now you will get that help....and that you can begin to heal a little. Not now....in time....when you're ready. Just hold on Amber hon. I am crying as I write this now, I know I'm an emotional person..I just wish to God this had not happened to you.
Amber.....you are so right...it has hurt long enough...way too long. Dakota said something in her post...that I thought was very true...you Amber must have some favour from above to have even made it this far in life with what you've gone though...please hold on...for your family, but more for YOU!!! Please let out your emotions...we are all here for you...and I'm sure they are taking good care of you. I hope you're okay that Ken has come here to the board..he has been really worried about you. I will say the same thing to you as I said to him....right now he and your kids are okay.....so just feel what you need to right now Amber...be angry, be ****** off...just let it out. But please hon....stay with us....because no matter what "he" did....he can never destroy your soul Amber...it's still there.....just slightly broken right now.
Please hold on Amber.....we are praying for you here.....and Amber....I know there's not much that can really help right now....but I am so very deeply sorry.....you are a beautiful soul that deserves some peace....

We love you Amber and are here for you......that I know I can say on behalf of all of us!!!!
Love, Caroline xo

 
Old 06-19-2007, 06:44 PM   #4
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Re: What to say?

Quote:
Originally Posted by NVD View Post
I've been sitting her looking at the computer for the last two hours, wondering how I was going to show my face around here again. I know that my husband has kept you all in the loop about what happened on Friday, so it's very hard coming here, wondering what everyone is "really" thinking of me on the other side.
Everyone keeps saying that it's okay. That I will be okay. That I have to be okay. That it's okay to cry. But you know what? It's really not okay. I AM NOT okay! I AM NOT okay, Dammit! This week feels like years have passed me by, and it's only been four days. Four ****ing days!
Everyone kept telling me that I didn't have to fear him. I needed to grow past the fear that I had from him, and learn to face it. That I didn't have to fear him hurting me anymore. I'm sorry I wasn't able to meet those expectations. I wanted to believe this. I really, really did. I wanted to wake up one day, and feel happy, and feel brave, and strong. But it was always the opposite. I never got past feeling sad, or scared or weak. But at least I could put on a happy face for my kids. Or hide my fear, or pretend to be strong. And now, I can't even face my kids, and I hate facing my husband. It hurts. It hurts so damn bad. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to live. It really, really hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. Hasn't it hurt long enough?
Amber
Amber,

The only thing i have felt is worry. I am glad that you posted though I wish the pain and hurt weren't a part of what is being felt. I am glad that you feel free enough here to say this is how I feel. I may not have some super tidbit of advice to give but I will like others be here to listen and be here for you. It is not fair or right that anyone should feel the way you do.

Hugs!
Eme

 
Old 06-19-2007, 06:51 PM   #5
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Re: What to say?

Amber, you asked how we really feel. we all feel so bad about the whole situation. we all want to help you in anyway possible.. i would babysit your children, cook dinners anything to help you heal...because you will heal, you might not think so right now but im telling you it will happen..you have a great husband, he loves you so much. your kids need you and thats the bottom line..so, you need to get better..take all the help you can get therapy, meds whatever..you are strong and you will get better. I can promise you that .your kids are so little, they need you to love them and be there for them..they need you to be strong, they need to count on you...take care of yourself..we all love you..

 
Old 06-19-2007, 08:52 PM   #6
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: What to say?

God bless! i can't believe i'm seeing you here again! but i am very glad, indeed!! we've been thinking of and asking about you very much for the past week or so. all of us here were shocked to hear what took place...not only shocked, but sad, angry, upset and justice-seeking.

now that i see you here again, i really think that this is the begining of the end of a long, long, traumatic road in your life, my dear girl!!! take it easy and step by step. you're not doing well yet, and no, you're not ok yet. you can't be ok after all this, and not after only such a short time. but you WILL be better one day!!! for now though, everyone MUST give you a break. you do what you HAVE to do, for as long as it takes, and you don't have to pretend anymore!!!!! that "inhuman" is in jail, and he'll probably be sent to prison. but i won't talk about that right now anymore...

i hope you can eat something. what are some of your favorite foods? can you ask ken to bring you some, and some favorite drinks? not heavy meals, but something light, to give you a bit more strength, you know? it's ok if you don't feel up to it though.

one more thing: you have NO reason to feel as if you can't face your husband!!!! you did nothing wrong, hon!!!! you get that into your head and don't let it get out!

take as much advantage as you can of the help you're being given there!!! rest yourself, if you can. talk to the psychs and drs. if you can. work slowly towards healing yourself from the inside. you have an indestructible spirit, amber, and i'm sure the almighty is holding you in the palm of his hand. you will win over this. you will!!!

with love and blessings,
dakota
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-20-2007, 06:19 AM   #7
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Talking Re: What to say?

Amber,

I'm glad to see you posting on here today. I thought we wouldn't read your own posts for a while. I'm glad you're posting.

No one thinks any less of you at all. You are still the same NVD/Amber that all have seen here with that same good-hearted nature.
Why would we think differently of you? It's not at all that way.

What has happened here, on the boards, is that a humongous out-pouring of love and support has gone forth for you and your family.
We can't fully understand your pain; unless we've been through the same thing, and let me add, more of us have been through the same ordeal than you know -- and a lot of us would never admit to it b/c we're not ready to deal with it.

None of this was your fault; you did NOTHING WRONG -- remember that.

I'll be glad when you start back to eating and getting your health and strenght back 100% ! You've been sorely missed by all.

Take YOUR time and allow yourself to heal and feel better. No one is expecting or demanding ANYTHING of you... all we want is for you to take your time and do whatever it is you need to do to get well. Period.

Juju

Last edited by jujubeez725; 06-20-2007 at 06:23 AM.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 10:41 AM   #8
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Re: What to say?

Amber, I am so glad to see you back! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw your thread. Amber, I am so sorry what happened... I am also so sorry for the approach that I took to try to help you. Amber, I was wrong. You were right. Your fear was beyond what anyone would think as just post-traumatic. You knew him well enough to know what to fear. I am so sorry.

From what Ken has told us about what the docs have been doing for you - sounds like you are in excellent hands.

Amber, why don't you want to face your children and husband? You didn't fail them (or yourself). Please keep posting, and I am so glad that you are back.....

Last edited by Sannah; 06-20-2007 at 10:42 AM.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 12:51 PM   #9
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Re: What to say?

Amber,

I have only posted to you a couple of times. Once here, and 2 times on the PTSD board. You have gone through a living hell that no one should ever have gone through. But you did. You made it, you are a survivor.


Amber life is all about choices hon, and you have some big ones to face right now. One of them being... Do I give up, or do I not. If you choose to give up, not only do you loose, but your husband, and your children do also. The biggest winner would be the creep that did this to you....

You can choose to live, and have your life back with your kids and husband. You can choose to live and put the creep behind bars where he belongs. You have a good husband, and many friends here to help you.....You have to choose what you are willing to fight for....

I wish you all of the best in whichever decision that you choose.......

Sid

 
Old 06-20-2007, 01:22 PM   #10
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rdyrmsg HB User
Re: What to say?

Amber - I cheered aloud for you when I saw that you had posted. You are strong. Your are resillent physically AND mentally. In your own time these traits will take you with your family into a stable future. You have my prayers.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 05:45 PM   #11
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Re: What to say?

Amber,



Reach out....Reach out for the help that you need and want....Reach out for someone to help you, to help yourself. You can do this. Your strong. You are a survivor...... You are not a weakling....

Come on Amber.....Live in the present......Grab onto life again. Open up, and LIVE AGAIN!!!!!!!

Sid

 
Old 06-20-2007, 07:42 PM   #12
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Re: What to say?

Amber.......
Are you there? If you feel like talking we are here.......
And if not that's okay....just know when you're ready...we will be here!!!
We miss you.....

Caroline xo

 
Old 06-20-2007, 07:50 PM   #13
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Re: What to say?

Hi Caroline, I am here. Thank you for your kind words in your last post. I do appreciate them. I'm just trying to keep a grip. I'm trying to figure out where life is going now; you know what I mean? It's been a long day, and I've had a lot of time to sit around and think about things, and the four walls of this hospital room are getting rather old. I've tried to go through some of the posts from the "Amber" thread, but I've only gotten a few pages into it. It's too much. It's just too much to comprehend right now. It's too real still.
Anyway, hope you had a good day. I've gotten everyone's messages today, just don't know what to say, or how to say it yet.
Amber

 
Old 06-20-2007, 08:26 PM   #14
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Re: What to say?

Hi Amber..so glad you posted back. I would have understood if you werent ready....remember, no pressure right?
Reading your message gives me hope Amber. Hope that every day that passes will put some distance between you and what happened. And hope that you can begin to heal. You know Amber, dont worry about the other thread....Basically Ken as you know let us know what happened, and kept us in the loop. The entire thread is that....and us, basically just pouring out support for you and your family because you mean so much to us. I hope in that thread we helped Ken even a little. I'm sure he has so much also in his mind to cope with. And we so much appreciated that even though he was dealing with so much, he came here let us know how you were. He really loves you Amber.
So Amber....like you say, it's still too real..that's basically what it was....so dont worry about reading it right now.....or ever even Amber if you dont want to. Dont relive it, even by words on the screen, okay? Let's just start posting "forward"....
Where is life going now? To at some point, move forward and take back your life......take the time to heal your scars.....I know they will always be there, but to heal at least to the point where it's not painful to breathe as you say. And then maybe enjoy life again. No spirit like yours should be contained. It will take time Amber. No one can recover from what you've been through quickly. It will take as long as it takes....and I think now everyone realizes this is the priority. Invest time in your healing right now Amber, and you can hopefully continue your life living, enjoying your family...like you should have been all along. But one step at a time, eh? We asked Ken not to put any pressure on you.....but Amber, dont put any pressure on yourself either hon!
Remember when you were away with your daughter Amber, having her tests done....and you told me you were running to this computer...and were concerned you were becoming too dependent. Amber, I believe God brought you to this board for a reason. And that all of us who care about you realized that you needed us! For you to post here so soon after what happened, says that even if its online....you feel support here. And I thank God for that!!!
When you want to post, you just go ahead...if you just want to "hey, I'm here"...that's great. Just take your time......for you....we have all the patience and time in the world hon!!!
If you dont feel up to posting again tonight, try and get some rest and hopefully a "peaceful" nights sleep.
It did my heart good to hear from you......I know you probably dont feel like it right now, but I think you are one of the strongest people I've ever met in my life!!!
God bless Amber....
Caroline xo

Last edited by mary09; 06-20-2007 at 08:37 PM.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 08:37 PM   #15
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Re: What to say?

Hi everyone. Thanks for the encouraging posts.

Today has been a long day. I told Ken to get back to work, and to just give me time to think, and to give me a break. While he's there, I feel like I sould put on this face. I know he doesn't want or expect this, but I really do hate him seeing me this way. It's hard. It's really hard. He has shown me nothing BUT love, and yet, I can't reciprocate. He rubs my back, and my feet, and plays with my hair, but right now, it really overwhelms every nerve in my body. It makes me irritated, and honestly, makes me just want to smack him. He wants me to talk. But I just want some quite. He tells me he loves me, and I have a hard time saying it back. It is really, really hard. I know I love him. I know I do. It's there somewhere. It is. I just can't find it right now, and unfortunately, it's against the wrong person. The psychiatrist says that these are normal feelings. That OF COURSE I still love him, but I just don't have the energy to see it, or show it. I've been browsing through the beginning of his thread, and it KILLS me to see how badly he is hurting, on my behalf. It's not right. I would rather him to just leave. Leave and don't come back. I want him, and my kids to be happy. But I can't give that to them right now.
As for my kids, Dakota and Sannah, I just don't know. I'm not ready to look at their beautiful faces, and remember what risk I put them in. I KNEW this was going to happen. I knew it months ago. And I DIDN'T do anything to protect them. I'm not sure what I could have done, besides move, but I should have done something. I should have protected them better. My son was in the same DAMN room, and the only thing that I could do was to beg, and plead, and surrender to his sick twisted wants, and pray, pray like I've never prayed before, that what I could give him, was enough. That he would leave my girls alone, and pray that the ****ing gun that he had to my head was empty. And I remember at one point, just asking him to do it. Just end it now. But then, what did that mean for my kids? I miss my kids dearly. I miss them so ****ing much, but I'm not ready to see them. I'm not ready to see my son. I keep seeing his beautiful face crying to me, and reaching to me, and I just kept telling him to be quiet, to SHUT UP, praying that James would pay no attention to him. It's really horrid, and it runs through my mind constantly.
Sannah, please don't appologize for trying to help. Please don't. It doesn't matter which approach you tried to use; it really doesn't. What matters is that you all have been there for me and then Ken through it all. I don't care if you came and held my hand, I really don't think anything would have stopped him at this point.
Amber

 
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