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Old 06-19-2007, 09:04 PM   #1
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Mammato2 HB User
My first post - I'm drowning

Well I've been lurking on here for weeks and I've started to post many times. But tonight I really feel desperate and I guess I need to reach out and hope someone reaches back, even though I am reaching to a group of strangers.

A little background: I'm 35 years old, married, a working mother to two toddlers. I have a long history of depression. Medicated on and off since 1995, mostly with zoloft which I hate. I haven't been on meds in over a year.

I love my husband dearly but our marriage is a mess. We have the same fight over and over again. I convinced him to go to marriage counseling and we went to our first appointment but he refused to go back. He basically said that I have issues and when I addressed them individually then he'd consider going back to couples. He's got a lot of anxiety issues but he's gotten them pretty much under control for now at least.

I feel like my husband won't listen to me and he thinks I'm just a big old mess and he tunes me out or ridicules me or whatever. My friends are probably sick of hearing me complain. My old doctor is just an unmanageable drive for me anymore and I can't find a new one.

I've never hurt myself but I've had thoughts. I am not suicidal at all but I pick at my skin until it's bloody and scabby and I get some pleasure out of it. My husband is disgusted at my scars of course.

I have no idea how to express how desperate I feel. I'm so sad and scared and I don't know what else. I am at a loss and I don't know how I even make it through the days anymore. I'm scared of what is going to happen when I finally can't make it through anymore. I seriously think I am going to have some kind of breakdown and I just hope it doesn't happen in front of my children.

What do I do? How can I stop this? I need help getting out of this dark cave I am in.

 
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Old 06-19-2007, 09:15 PM   #2
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

Hi Mamma....
Well you are now among friends, not strangers. Welcome to this board. I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. As I just said to another new person who joined, I actually came here on behalf of my mom who suffers from depression.
Your husband needs to "learn" what you are going through in order to help you. I would think he would have some idea of how hard it is to deal with this kind of illness as you said, he has had anxiety issues. If you have marital issues, it takes two people to create them, and two people to fix them. You are not to blame.
There are lots of people here who can advise you on what to do for YOU, and how to learn to manage this....whether its medications or therapy. They're the experts, so I will leave that to them....but just wanted to extend to you a warm welcome!!! You are not alone!!! Take your strength from your children....hang in there...and come here to vent. Someone is always here to listen.

Carsam

 
Old 06-20-2007, 09:17 AM   #3
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jujubeez725 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mammato2 View Post
Well I've been lurking on here for weeks and I've started to post many times. But tonight I really feel desperate and I guess I need to reach out and hope someone reaches back, even though I am reaching to a group of strangers.

A little background: I'm 35 years old, married, a working mother to two toddlers. I have a long history of depression. Medicated on and off since 1995, mostly with zoloft which I hate. I haven't been on meds in over a year.

I love my husband dearly but our marriage is a mess. We have the same fight over and over again. I convinced him to go to marriage counseling and we went to our first appointment but he refused to go back. He basically said that I have issues and when I addressed them individually then he'd consider going back to couples. He's got a lot of anxiety issues but he's gotten them pretty much under control for now at least.

I feel like my husband won't listen to me and he thinks I'm just a big old mess and he tunes me out or ridicules me or whatever. My friends are probably sick of hearing me complain. My old doctor is just an unmanageable drive for me anymore and I can't find a new one.

I've never hurt myself but I've had thoughts. I am not suicidal at all but I pick at my skin until it's bloody and scabby and I get some pleasure out of it. My husband is disgusted at my scars of course.

I have no idea how to express how desperate I feel. I'm so sad and scared and I don't know what else. I am at a loss and I don't know how I even make it through the days anymore. I'm scared of what is going to happen when I finally can't make it through anymore. I seriously think I am going to have some kind of breakdown and I just hope it doesn't happen in front of my children.

What do I do? How can I stop this? I need help getting out of this dark cave I am in.
Hello Mammato2!

I haven't been on meds in over a year.

Let's start here. Why not? Did your doctor take you off the meds, or did you do it? If they make you feel "bad", or have adverse side effects, you should let your doctor know.

I love my husband dearly but our marriage is a mess. We have the same fight over and over again.

You don't have to say exactly what you 2 fight about, but who brings up this issue? Does your husband keep bringing up something and you keep fighting over it? It's obviously an unresolved issue, worthy of counseling--but the husband doesn't think it warrants a trip to a counselor or therapist!

He basically said that I have issues

Ah, so he doesn't have any problems? He's right and you're just a "mess"?
With that type of thinking, he definitely needs to be the first person beating down a therapist's door.

If he "tunes" you out, he's ignoring the fact there are problems in the marriage. Either he's afraid to face them, or he doesn't care. Do you think he's cheating?

Now for you: go on to see a therapist. Can you change the doctor you're currently seeing? It sounds like you're having a hard time trying to see a new one.
I know some people have counselors at their church. Do you have a church that you belong to? If so, have you tried talking to a counselor there?

It takes 2 to tango, so if your husband refuses to work things out, you will be left with no choice but to do what you have to do...
I can't see a man that professes to love his wife and see that she's going through a very hard and difficult time just sit there and ridicule and tease his wife -- I don't understand that.

He's disgusted at the scars? He's not even thinking that you need help?
He's a lousy, cold-hearted b******! Sorry, he's wrong for that!

 
Old 06-20-2007, 09:23 AM   #4
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jules3 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

You need meds, to be off them is not good. why would you do this to yourself? if you were a diabetic would you not take insulin? come on you have kids to raise you need to take care of yourself. get yourself feeling better first meds, therapy etc... than work on your marriage. life is too short to be miserable every day..i take zoloft for years and when i try to stop the depression comes right back what does that mean???? it means i need it...you probably need something too. good luck and keep us posted..

 
Old 06-20-2007, 09:54 AM   #5
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Survivor3 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

He needs to make a committment to marriage counseling. Bottom line. Hopefully the counselor can educate him. Otherwise, you are spinning your wheels.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 12:54 PM   #6
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Seymour93 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

I agree with the other folks. Your husband has to be enlightened...and soon. Fixing your marital woes is the ticket out of misery.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 02:27 PM   #7
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Mammato2 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

Thank you all for responding. Honestly just seeing that anyone had responded at all made me feel a little better. To respond to some of the questions...

Meds - I weaned myself off of the zoloft because I couldn't get to see my doctor. Bad, I know. The first two weeks were awful but after that I was fine until recently. I know I need to get back on something though, I just don't want zoloft.

Marriage - My husband isn't the one starting the fights. The fights usually start when I want to discuss something that is bothering me. He tunes me out or tries to brush me off and I get mad. We tend to bicker over who does more work - around the house, with the kids, etc. It's ridiculous and I'm just as guilty as he is of playing the "I've got it worse than you" game.

With my scars... he thinks that pointing them out will make me stop. I've tried to tell him that making me feel bad only makes it worse but he doesn't get it.

And now some good news - I just made an appointment with a new psychiatrist. The bad news is that they didn't have an opening until July 25th. But it's a doctor very close to my office so I can leave and do my appointments during the day (my boss is very cool about these things) and I won't have to worry about traffic or getting babysitters for my children. Yeay - there is hope. Now I just have to make it until then.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 06:42 PM   #8
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

Quote:
Originally Posted by jujubeez725 View Post
I can't see a man that professes to love his wife and see that she's going through a very hard and difficult time just sit there and ridicule and tease his wife -- I don't understand that.
Couldn't be better said, Juju!!!!!
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 06-20-2007, 07:32 PM   #9
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

Hi Mamma, this is great news!! Always good when things make life a little easier. I hope things will work out well with your new psychiatrist!!
Mamma, I fight with my husband about stuff like that ALL the time. My husband tunes me out on a regular basis. It's enough to make you want to scream. He may as well stick his fingers in his ears like a five year old. Anyways, most importantly he needs to work through these issues with you Mamma....there are two people in a marriage, not one.

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better!!!
Carsam

 
Old 06-20-2007, 07:37 PM   #10
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jules3 HB User
Re: My first post - I'm drowning

Im glad you made an appt. but maybe you can call around and get something sooner or have them put you on a cancellation list..just my 2 cents..

 
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