ok day yesterday, did some iq testing, some behavioral reports for a couple of guys going to "shrinkage" today and tomorrow, and prepared for a presentation on human growth and development. i also fell when i crossed the st. after i moved the car from one parking spot to another (due to alternate sides of the st. parking crap), and ripped my pants at the knee--left side. bled a little....hurt a little. reminded me when i was little and used to fall a lot and scrape my knees....wanted to cry went home to change pants. put on a little antiseptic and went back. stayed until 6:15.pm. stopped by the pharm. to pick up a prescription. got home about 7pm. felt tired. threw out ripped pants. had a coffee so i wouldn't go to sleep. craig was doing something with a buddy of his.... too tired to go to that free concert in the park....besides it had been sprinkling (rain) here in the afternoon, and i thought it would be all dewey and the moisture in the air would make me feel cold.....
still need to make an appt. w/ a counselor or psych for therapy. stupid new insurance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it takes me ages to make phone calls!!!!
will be in late again today.
how are you doing?
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
Forgive me please......I smiled when I read your "play by play" of the day. Point by point. I'm sorry you hurt yourself....but I picture you being all "put out" when you fell, like dammit, now I gotta go home and change. I'm not laughing honestly...and then you kept going and in the middle of the rest of your daily events you said "threw out ripped pants"....ah...I'm sorry, I'm not amused that you fell of course, just the way you told it.
Anyways, I am doing okay......trying to maintain my boundaries as Sannah likes to call them....some days are better than others, but I'm doing my best.
I so badly want to go on vacation again. Girl, as soon as you get a chance you have to get away!!!! It is wonderful!!! Just a change of scenery. I know you have reservations about going with your dad not being well. But sometimes you need to recharge your batteries D!!!!
What a pain your insurance is!!! So now you have to make a bunch of calls to see who will cover your type of insurance? Is that right? UGH! Up here, we would just go to "whoever" and that would be it.
I havent seen any of your posts since yesterday morning....and hope you are just taking a break....maybe you're "out and about".
Anyways...just want to make sure you're okay chickie....
Write back when you have a chance okay?
I'm bumping up this thread again.....okay....you better be off having a good time somewhere or just plain taking a break. If so, that's okay of course.....nothing wrong with that. Just not normal to go two days on here without seeing you...so just want to make sure you're okay!!!! I miss ya girlfriend!!!!
i'm home now C. well, i haven't been anywhere. damn busy work-week, that's all. stayed late a couple of times. met with clinical superboss (not the other two idiots). was told what the two top priorities should be by the clinic. dir., but the other one is sicking her nose where it doesn't belong, and gives me more crap to deal with, like i'm a freakin' robot or something!! they have DEEEEEP isssues those superbosses lemme tell ya!! THEY need real bad shrinkage, girl! big time.
i'm trying to be good, and not judge (you know, judge and you will be judged), and not gossip, and all that...but during the clinical mtg. i had to get it out... it was like in that movie with jim carey or whoever, who could not stop telling the truth (he was always a lier, but then his son wished for his dad to tell the truth)....so i felt like just blurtingggggggg out the way i felt about that nurse woman...although i felt like blurting it, i took it down a notch and started easy on her, but did tell the boss that she was missing in action that one day when we were at the same place, and after about three hours came back with a new hairdo... appartently (later on i found this out) everyone knew of other such things this woman did, but nobody told this woman (my clinic. dir. bosswoman). it ws she who actually asked me what i thought about this nurse, since this nurse in relatively new. so i told her. you could tell that the boss was out of the loop big time. i couldn't help myself. GOd!!!! i felt so bad, and i even told her i felt bad about it; that i'm not usually a tell-tale, but i felt it was not fair. well, she reassured me that it was ok, and that she wanted to know. i hope it will be ok.
on the other hand, on wed. (i think)--anyway, on the 21st, i got that ring i was talking about--from craig. looks very pretty actually. and i WAS surprised. his mom sent it over from pennsylvania (pennsyltucky as i call it). when i got home, late and tired, there were flowers in a vase on the table--big bouquet. i love flowers, and i arranged them even nicer in the vase (after going to the bathroom, complaining my feet hurt, making coffee, etc.), so i sit down on the sofa talking about something, and all of a sudden i look to my left, and he's holding a box in his hand and smiling a little. i'm looking, and asking "is that what i think it is?" so he opens the box, and it was a "sparkler," girl!!! it was really, really nice!!!. i was somewhat shocked since i didn't expect to get it here, but in harrisburg, as we're going there for july 4th. apparently, his poor, sickly mom was in on it the whole time, and running around over there (guess she knew some pple), and got it for a substantial reduction in price. like i said, it's quite pretty. it's a bit over a karat, with a bigger stone in the middle and two smaller stones on the sides, set in a channel setting. it also has very little stones on its sides (not on top, but on its sides). i was surprised and excited, and happy. but by now, i don't know why, everything kind of wore off, you know....it's like whatever....
he said he would've done it differently (i.e., go out to a nice restaurant, etc.), but he knows i'm a private person, and i don't like too many pple around me--and he's totally right about that...i don't! --so it was actually the best thing that we had it done right here in my own living room. hey, it beats the parking lot, like that friend of mine's bf did it...guess they met in a parking lot....in the winter. before it happend, she actually told him, "hurry up stupid, i'm freezing, what are we doing here anyway?" i guess THAT really was a surprize.
so this eve, my sis, mom, him, and moi are going out to a rest. to "celebrate" i would guess. celebrate what-- i don't really know. see, i was engaged before, twice. with the first bf i ever had, and with the other one, whom i was with for 5 years (but i knew for 7), and both didn't end up anywhere. so, in my mind a ring isn't that of a big deal. i'm sorry, but that's how i feel. and i definitely have no money at this time to start looking for any kind of "arrangements" for future planning/celebrations/marriage stuff. besides, he wants to get married in a church (and i do too--we're both christians), and you have to go to some sort of marital counseling (back in the old country, i never knew of such things, cuz there they're mostly orthodox christians), then you gotta give the church at least a 6-months advance notice for weddings, etc. well. i'm ok with that. but, see with my father the way he is, my mom has just about enough money to cater to his "needs" if something were to happen to him. she would have very little left over for me...if you know what i mean. i'm sure HIS mom would help out, but.... i really never wanted and Don't want fancy-shmancy wedding hoopla.... i'm a simple person, who likes simple things...i don't want to be just a number in a big hall, bec. i've been to enough weddings... i would like something different and unique. darn...even a bard-wedding upstate would cost more $$ than a "normal" wedding... my sis went to one and she said it was just wonderful, and they danced in their bare feet afterwards....oh well....what the hell am i even thinking about, and why now???
anyway, that girl i've told you about, who's getting hitched (to the wagon) in dec. and whom i'm suppsed to help somewhat, since i'm part of the bridal party, should soon have her bachelorette party...i've looked on the web and found some ideas... do you have any ideas?
also, any realtively cheap wedding ideas?
and how are you? (i had a freaking migraine yesterday morning, before going into work, but my imitrex worked--thankfully, and i'm having a slight headache today--just took two excedrin).
hope you're doing much better. i see you've been posting a lot here lately. glad you found a good, helpful pastime, C.
sannah, how are you??
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
Oh...I am so glad you're back...I missed you girl!! Two whole days!! I was in withdrawal!!!
Okay...job stuff....kudos to you for speaking up. See....other people were noticing this womans behavior as well....so it wasnt just you. You called it right. I hope they do something about her. What goes around comes around and all that....treat people like you want to be treated. I hope this will make a change in going to work every day if she gets shot off her pedestal.
Ring stuff.......okay let me say it.....here it comes......."awwwwww".........
"A ring is not a big deal"......what? Of course it is girl. I know you've been engaged twice, but not to Craig. This is a whole new ballgame....you're both older now, you know what you want. I see good things in your future girlfriend!! (no, i'm not a palm reader but I sure just sounded like one didnt I?).
Want to hear something funny? Guess where I was when I got MY ring? Are you ready? Okay......here it comes again........"On my sofa in my living room"!!!!! YEP!!!!! Can u freakin' believe it? In exactly the same way....except minus the roses. I was just sitting there, and he tossed the box to me and said "Catch"!!!! It wasnt how I expected it....and I have no big romantic gestures to talk about....but it was perfect for me.
So.....the wedding thing....my wedding was pretty small as per wedding standards. There were about 50 people....and you know what? If I were to get married today there'd be about 20 because the remaining 30 were friends and guests I dont even speak to anymore. I dont even speak to my maid of honor anymore because I have been a lousy friend to her and stopped returning her calls. I told you about that long time ago....it was my fault. I had so much going on, I just didnt have the energy. Nothing to do with her...all me. Anyways....we too did the church thing...very simple....and then we had dinner at a restaurant. The church was very antique looking, we used to go for ice cream and sit outside this church on the bench...and I always said "If I ever get married, I want to do it in this church" and so we did. The restaurant was actually an old schoolhouse....very old, very quaint. We rented the private room....I kept things very minimal. I didnt do an "open bar"...not so much for the money thing...but for our families. None of them drink and some are very religious...so I didnt want it to be a "boozeup" and them to feel any way uncomfortable. But I did serve really nice white and red wine and beer....for my friends...and they knew if they went outside to the bar and ordered any other kind of drink it would be "covered". All in all, I tried to keep the expenses down....it was our "big day"...but it was only "one day"...so I didnt want to go overboard. We actually didnt even have a DJ because no one in my family "dances"....and to rely on our friends....well what if they werent in the mood? We'd be sitting there with a big awkward empty dance floor. So we just had background music. The group there were kind of "reunited friends" because we had all worked together before and had split up so they had a great time just catching up. It was a very low key wedding but people said it was nice. We also had to do marriage classes before hand. Those were fun...I'll have to tell you about them some day.
I hope you're all enjoying yourselves at dinner right now....I'm so happy for you D....I really hope this works out. You deserve the very best life has to offer. I wish you could invite me and I wish I could be there!!!!!
Anyways...I will be there in spirit babes!!!!
I myself have had actually a really lousy day today. Got in a massive fight with my husband right in front of my parents. I knew this day would come. He exploded and it was so so very awkward, I wanted to kill him. You know I cant even right now talk about it D...I got home and went straight back out by myself for a drive. I was gone for 2 hours...just drove north out to the country....every time a car would be in front of me....I would make it my business to pass him....so that there would be no one in front of me and I could feel "alone". Have a wicked headache also, that I had this morning and just got incredibly worse from all this tension. Anyways, maybe I'll tell you about it tomorrow...I'm really beat right now....and if I dont try to chill my anger....I'll be heading to divorce court about the same time you're heading to the altar..
Yes, I've been posting alot lately....I'm getting a little bit too addicted to this board to be honest.....but you know what....when your life's issues and circumstances have left you no time or energy for friends....you come here...to find people who are just for YOU...and nobody else. This is my sanctuary these days...and where I can be myself. The fact that I'm spending more and more time here says an awful lot.
Okay enough of this...did I tell you I missed you these last 2 days? Damn!!!
Hope you're having a great time tonight!!! Wish I was there!!!
I'm getting a little bit too addicted to this board to be honest.....but you know what....when your life's issues and circumstances have left you no time or energy for friends....you come here...to find people who are just for YOU...and nobody else. This is my sanctuary these days...and where I can be myself. The fact that I'm spending more and more time here says an awful lot.
i know exactly what you mean by the above!! i also found thinking to myself that i was becoming addicted to this board, and that it wasn't very good for me, and i'm trying to not come on here too often bec. sometimes i forgo doing the damn dishes in the mornings, on my days off, you know...and/or other things...and then i find that time flies by and it's afternoon already, and i haven't done anything productive for half the day, and then i feel like complete crap... but you are right. life...issues...circumst....crap....no energy for "real life" friends.... i don't feel like talking or going to hang out with the two-three women friends i've got...esp. not on weekdays. and on weekends, i spend half the day on sun. sleeping. i wake up, read or write on here while having my coffee for a while, think of all the s...t i have to do, feel tired, don't feel like doing it, and go back to bed. and when i nap, i really nap..i mean sleep, like 3-4 hours...and then it's evening when i wake up, and the whole day is over.
this morning i woke up around 7 something, made coffee, washed some underwear by hand, gathered some pants that i want to iron for the week ahead, and came on this board (while i'm having coffee, i'm saying to myself--well, now i'm on my second cup)...
looked on stupid insurance website and found some drs. and therapists, took down their numbers, but do you think i called? no. i know i have to do it today!!!! otherwise i'll run out of these damn meds. God!!! there are also some bills i gotta pay, and the mortgage to set up...crap. i don't know why, but i really feel like crap today.
what the heck happened to you the other night? it must have been bad for you to have left the house. but it's good you did!!! i know that feeling of wanting to be completely and utterly alone. hell, that's why i don't answer the phone MOST of the time when it rings!!!! i think i'm developing another problem, with the phone now...some sort of weird phone-detachment realtionship. for me fear-factor would be to put me in a room full of phones and have them all ringing at the same time.
you're soooo freaking sweet, C!!!!--talking to me about the ring and all, and sharing your story with me!! even the way it happened with you (maybe we're kindred spirits? who knows?)... i know i should be happier, but in all honesty, i'm not. i don't know why. maybe bec. other s...t is intruding into my thoughts, my mind, and kinda takes over the "happy-happy, joy-joy" feeling?? well, first of all, from now till the weddin' it's gonna take a loooong time. then like you said, the wedding is one day. you're sooooo right about that!! that's why i don't want to spend much money on one freakin' day. besides, i DON"T like to be the focus of attention (I'll prob. have to take a dozen tranquilizers to make me feel out of it and not give a hoot); then i'm thinking, i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with one person (well, there's always divorce, if things dont' work out, i know that, and my sis is a lawyer, and she could help me out in that respect, but...), you know he and i both talked about marriage before, and we know things aren't going to "change" very much when one's married, right? like you said, we're both old enough by now to know that it's not a fantasy story anymore. i'm going to be the same woman, with the same damn headaches, depression, anxiety and emotional issues, and he's going to be the same person/man with the top priority being work, liking the yankees, meat and potatoes, and Trying to understand me when i feel like s...t. he'll be good, in that he cooks better than i ever will; if i ask for s.thing, he goes and gets it for me; massages my shoulders and head when i have a migraine; is nice and respectful to my family; reads his books in his free time....goes to work.... mind you, this is all good, and i thank GOd that he is a good person, i mean a GOOD man. but, there ain't gonna be no freakin' change,.... i don't know what the hell i thought at the begining of it all....maybe i was younger then, maybe i had more dreams or s.thing... now...it's like, crap...this is it!!!!!!!!!! yeah, maybe there will be a kid involved, if God wills it, you know, but you also know my fears in that regard, bec. of these meds i'm on. it can be done though, although i hope and pray my "eggs" won't hatch by themselves by then!!!!!
then i would love to go travelling. this has always been something i've enjoyed doing. but with "marriage" responsibilities, who the hell has time and means to go do that?? then i want to change jobs. i'm burnt here at this workplace. i need to get the hell out. but i want to do s.thing different. i can't do the same thing anymore. maybe i just feel tired. i've felt pretty tired for the entire year now. you know what C? it's sooooo true what they said, whoever "they" are..and that is, when one gets s.thing they wanted for a long time, it's not enough....one always wants s.thing more, something else, something different. why am i like that?? (you know i've only told about this engagement thing to my sis, mom, two people at work, and you?....why didn't i tell more pple about it?) i know if i were younger, i'd probably write to all the corners of the world braodcasting it...
anyway, you're a sweetheart, and thanks sooooooooooooooo much from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, and for writing even when you weren't feeling well.!!!!
i'll write more later; i'm going to write some bills now.
love and blessings,
your cybersis, D
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
Hello dearest Dakota...
How's your day been????
Listen, dont fret so much about this "joy oh joy about the ring thing"...okay? It is special D, and it will mean alot one day when you guys actually get married. But you're right....the earth is not going to move every day after you're married. Especially for me...my husband and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married...4 months before we got engaged. So basically we got married, went on a honeymoon, and then came back and said, "okay. so what now?". It's just that it is a big commitment...and all those mundane day to day stuff, you share together, you know? Even if it's from something as exciting as washing your underwear by hand....to as simple as pouring a cup of coffee!!!
I think it's a much bigger adjustment if you have not spent alot of time "living" together in any sense, you know? Then it's all exciting. But D, marriage is alot of hard work...I'm projecting my own feelings here right now. I know I've only known you a few months, but if I could be so bold as to give you some advice, that I feel is one of the most important things you could say to anyone getting married....and that is......make sure you choose someone who can express themselves..and who can talk to you. You're lucky that way D, Craig will talk to you, and you can talk to him. I dont have that in my marriage....we never "talk" about "anything". Not anything emotional anyways. It makes it really really difficult when problems come up. Yesterday's argument should not have happened, but in my relationship, the smallest incidents cause the biggest arguments. You know how I struggle with my relationship with my parents, and how much time we spend with them, and consequently the pressure it puts on my husband, with me being in the middle all the time. Anyways, yesterday...we met them for coffee, and then we were all going separate ways. We were only going grocery shopping, nothing exciting. (never anything exciting). Anyways, I knew hubby was in a mood to begin with. Then "N" decides he does not want to come with us, he wants to go with nana and papa. Everything was fine, we were laughing, no problem. Then hubby snaps at me and says "No, he's coming with US!!!" He should be with "US". By this time "N" has even gotten himself into their car seat and buckled himself in, not wanting to come with mommy and daddy. So hubby decides to trail him out of the car...he starts screaming and crying....really bad. People were looking at us, as if we were horrible parents. Anyways, he drags him out, puts him in our car, and true to form, when "N" gets upset, he throws up all over the place. Hubby starts yelling at him, when he's really ****** at me....and then my mom comes over and says "let me just take him". Oh my god, the look my hubby gave her. I said to her "please just leave it - I'm really in the middle here". Anyways, they left, and I screamed at hubby all the way home. I was so upset that he chose to have his explosion and do it in front of "N". He thinks no one respects his decisions. That's fine, but take it up with me, not "N". I am the most angry because he upset him so much, then screamed at him while he was vomiting, and then we both screamed at each other all the way home. I know you cant shield kids from arguing...but this is screaming. And I swore I would never do that to my kid, since I listened to it all my life. To this day, I cringe when I feel tension. Anyways, I call my mom to say "sorry for the awkwardness", she starts screaming at me because of hubby, saying she wont put up with him treating "N" that way again...and he should grow up, if he is going to be like that she never wants to see him again". What the hell? That's so extreme because of one incident. I was so ****** at her...I said "can you not see how in the middle I am here....I just called to say sorry, not for you to add more stress to the situation" and then I hung up. So then as I told you I went driving. Tonight we are still not speaking.....we barely spoke today, and it was only about "N". He has tried a couple of times to speak to me and I have blew him off. I could easily let it go. But you know what? I'm not going to...because we have not talked about what happened. All he ever wants to do is brush it under the rug. Dakota, I'm surprised I dont fall daily with all the bumps on that rug. We never talk about these things, he thinks he does nothing wrong. And I'm stuck here with all these feelings, and he doesnt even talk about it. I could say so many things to him...he will say "I dont know"....what is that? Why pour your heart out to someone and have them just say "I dont know". Its infuriating. And when he does this...I say to myself...and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this guy?". Oh D....I'm so ****** at him right now. You said that if you ask Craig to get you something, he will. He'll massage your shoulders, etc. I asked hubby the other night to get me a glass of water. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him roll his eyes and then I heard a big sigh. Because that was such a ridiculous request.
So, D....you're lucky if Craig will "talk" to you.....it is so important. You know also...even Amber......although she has so much in her life that is ridiculously out of control, I do envy her something. And that is, as I have spoken with Ken....she has a very loving husband. Someone who can talk about his feelings...and who although it may not be the best way....at least he tries to help.
Anyways D......enough of this ****.......I'm done talking about it....thanks for listening.....I'll just cool off tonight and I guess let it go (again) tomorrow. There's that peace I'm always making!!!!
Travelling? Sounds fabulous!!! I know its tough to do when you have so many commitments. Make sure you guys get a good trip or two in before you consider having a child....cause it's a whole different ball game after that. Now that is something that is going to change your whole life. But that's another story girlfriend. I am so looking forward to that day for you!!!
Sorry, I think this is going to be a long one......hope you're still with me!!!
Well that's just it....I know he has issues with having my family around so much. And I've always told him, that I appreciate what he puts up with. I really have lately made more efforts to keep them separate so he doesnt see them as much. But Sannah, they also look after my son three days a week, so it's bound to happen. Anyways, as far as the talking goes....as I said to Dakota....when he gets upset..he just keeps "silent"...and if I press him... I get "I dont know". He thinks that Nicholas should always be with us on our free time...and of course I want that too...but sometimes...little kids have more fun with nana and papa. I dont see that as he is choosing them over us, he is only 3. My issue with him, is not that he gets fed up with them...because I understand that. It's that he did it in such a way, that I wasnt prepared for...and he ended up really upsetting me and our son. And afterwards...just talked to me like "small talk", knowing I had to go out driving for 2 hours to calm down. Wouldnt ask me when I got home if I wanted to "talk"....just "what do you want for dinner". I have my faults Sannah I know....but it's really hard to be in a relationship where when you need to talk, it is all one sided. You just end up feeling like a nag because you're the only one talking, and you feel like a big *****!! I know his parents are the same, they dont "talk". One goes away from the other for a month...they dont even call each other. When my husband moved out on his own when he was 18, his mom was out of the country. He walked into his dad, who's face was hidden behind reading the newspaper. He said "dad, I'm moving out today"....His dad just said "ok" and didnt even lower his newspaper to look at him. So I think he's not used to talking about things. But where does that leave me. All talked up and no place to go!!! When he sees me on the computer now, he says "Oh are you talking to your friends again"? Joking, obviously....but I say "well yeah, I have to have "someone" to talk to"...and he doesnt say anything....it really gets me down sometimes.
What do u think Sannah?
Caroline, I have read about couples where one pushes/pursues and the other runs or avoids I think? This came to mind for me here. Do you lose your patience and start yelling frequently? What I have read is this causes the avoiding partner to retreat. I could see how his upbringing would cause him to be this way but I don't think that he is hopeless.