I need something more then inspiration...
Well I don't really expect anyone to take the time to read this, but if you do then I appreciate it because there are much more important things in life to use time on. I have been going through some extreme frustration with myself lately that is making me want a solution. Yet I don't think I can attain that solution in my current state. I have acted through laziness, excuses, lies, confusion, etc. for the past 5 or so years. It seems like a continuous habit that I have seen therapy on and has had little effect. I don't know if it is from not having a good father to show me discipline or what, but nontheless it has embedded itself into my everyday actions and is the wall that holds back any idea I have ever had in my head. I feel like a worthless being that has gifts that should have exceeded this and are being uselessly wasted.
I have confidence issues. I am way to sensitive. I am only thinking of what people will say when I finish this thread and that self consciousness is probably holding back what I even want this to come close to. I am not self injuring myself mentally, I am just being practical when I never have been in my life. The only amount of realism I have had is in the back of my head that my half conscious/unconscious thinking habits have concealed to protect me from my stupidity. It is a cycle that creates stress, anger, frustration, and refuses to let me enjoy life or my wasted away youth.
I could go on and on about this nonsense but I will avoid not to. Long threads of this nature donate to the plethora of teen internet drama and so called "depression."
So put more frankly I want help. And I don't want help from medication, self help books, or any other ******* who thinks he knows how to help 6 and a half billion people. The only way to help oneself is through personal perseverance and motivation. I have neither, well maybe half of the latter. If you don't have the discipline to follow through with affirmations, therapy or whatever, you will not receive an inkling of change. Only ******** excuses that say "I am trying to chance."
I don't want to live this way anymore. I just started reading ATLAS SHRUGGED by AYN RAND and am beggining to realize I have accomplished nothing that I was meant to. Maybe I don't understand the whole philosophy of objectivism but from what I understand it is anything but me. I have no motive, action, goals, or anything of the nature. I am hailed as brilliant by adults, they think I am bound for success, my classmates think I will be a millionare because I read some Kiyosaki or Hill when realistically at this stage I might not even attain the success of the most apathetic jock in my classes.
I need experience. I have never worked in my life longer then a week. My parents give me money that I want to crumple up and burn rather then get free handouts. It feels like another human is exchanging my power for 20 bucks. I have a car, I need gas, I have a girlfriend, Its hard to have one without spending money on so much BS. I am not whipped like many guys are, I actually am very good with women (Or so I might be deceiving myself). My parents pay for meals, gas, and every ****ing thing I use in my god forbidden life.
Money is a sign of accomplishments (not always), but I have 0 cents of my own. I haven't worked for anything in my life. Only lied my way around my own laziness to be able to life the way I do. I want to make my own money so desperatately bad. I start a host job tommorow but I worry I won't do as well as I should because of my confidence issues and laziness.
I know I am meant for more. I know I am brilliant. I can use my sensitivity for good. I can become successful. I can use my overflowing amount of useless knowledge on something.
I have read so much but have not put any of it into practice making it wasted. I think when I read books it makes me feel like I am actually doing something even though I am not. I have studied philsophy, psychology, business, investing, american literature, and more but yet I have not used any of what these amazing people have written. I only brag about their ideas to others when I am not even using it myself.
My carpel tunnel is hurting so bad from my typing 150 wpm so this is becoming so fragmented and silly that I should be ashamed.
So can someone... anyone... give me advice. And don't say I am taking myself too seriously, because I think at this stage I need to examine my faults for what they are, not hide them anymore. Don't tell me to enjoy my youth and peers. I am not a normal teen who wants to go drink, smoke weed, think apathy is cool, and all that ****. THat is not enjoying youth. I have always though I would accomplish so much when I was young but my arrogance got the best of me and I forgot that success isn't free.
So please help me out of this black hole that is slowly sucking my life into something that wasn't meant to be. I don't believe in fate, and I know I have the power to change my current destiny. I am responsible for all of what I am as Sartre would say, and I believe that to the utmost respect.
Now I'll go to bed, and hopefully I won't wake up at noon then go back to bed 2 hours later and sleep in the rest of the day away. Time can't be attained, so why am I wasting it away?