to feel ALIVE
I'm new here.
I've seen therapists. I'm on Prozac. I have a great husband now. He wants to have kids. I think I do. I remember a time when I thought it was what we were supposed to do. You know. Go to school, establish yourself, get married, have kids, etc. But so much of my free life has been shattered by signs "it ain't gonna happen", that I've gotten used to it.
(What are these darn smilies on the side bar for? One keeps jumping up and down).
I realized something last week. I realized that I have no ambition because I'm just going to end up dying.
My husband recently told me that he and I can go to China for a conference he has. I thought, "why? I'll go there when I'm dead". Save money, time, effort, all that stuff. That was my blue angel talking. My orange-yellow angel said, "ignore her. go for it". Then I realized that maybe I might get the short end of the stick when I actually get up there.
What if God says, "no, you didn't allow yourself and your loved ones to experience enough with you, so you are denied all things you thought you could do". Wouldn't it be nice if He actually gave me advance notice? His email address would be great!
Greece, Italy, sky diving, bungee jumping, surfing big waves in Bali. All those things I figure I can do when I'm dead and I'd have more fun because there would be nothing to lose.
I also figure that I'll find out the truth behind the Kennedy assasination and if aliens really exist. I'd find out about all of those things in due time.
But what if.
Maybe Heaven will not be all that cinema has portrayed it.
So... I've asked God to inspire me.
Children. I'm sure that it is a good tool for inspiration. I don't want it to be the only reason to have them. You know. To just fullfill my clinical needs. That's selfish.
Maybe if God, or someone who has been to Heaven, can tell me what I need to do and experience while I'm alive, it will help me to go forth.
But then that brings me back to my point. When we die, do all those things really matter? Is there someone up there keeping score? Will they have a pair of virtual goggles that will replay my days at anytime I want?
Of all things in this world I want, the one thing is to be inspired, motivated, ready. Okay, that's three things. But all within the scope of what I am in need of.
I want to live. I want to feel ALIVE.
Do you have any suggestions via personal experiences?