on tuesday i have an app with my doc about all the stuff. i wrote her a letter-which ive held off doing, but i actually genuinley needed to write because some stuff i dont understand, theres mountains of it and i wont remember or be able to get it across if i dont write it.
on tuesday i was at a house party, ended up with my freind again, who is gentle but is looking for something. he says he just wants affection returned from others and stuff. but im the worst person to go to for it, not puropsily. but i dont know what it feels like, i feel nothing-its like trying to feel affection for a chair or a table-i just dont understand it at all.
he rubbed my hands and stuff, but i tried doing what was natural and just stayed limp, it didnt occur to me really, but then he looked hurt so i moved my fingers a bit-but it felt VERY wrong, and i feel nothing for anyone like that so its hopeless.he tried kissing me and i said no and pulled away, he tried giving me suggestions, i know he is trying to understand but he doesnt no matter how hard he tried, everything he said just contraditted all my feelings and it just isnt in his realm of understanding-so i felt really cold then.
i got quite depressed that night, i wasnt in the mood in the first place. they played a game were you say what you have done with people and take a shot if you have. but eveyone could laugh and joke about it, remember it as happy times or just being young and silly. but all i remember is it as a ****** time, being confused and disconnected, kissing strangers and giving out handjobs to strangers in crowded bars, just feelinng totally empty and trying to force myself to feel, or being angry and almost castrating people, and being very drunk at times. i felt really alone, like they all knew something i didnt, its something they just take for granted and id give anything to know what it feels like to feel affection for someone, but i just dont get it.
i watch couples sometimes and cant understand how they feel anything, what does it feel like?? how they know what to do and all. i wm embarressed and worried about what i wrote to my doctor, i told her about the tightness down there and the pain i get sometimes, but i dont know if im different or its what people get sometimes, for a long time i thought it meant i was attracted to people but i cant understand then why i dont like that feeling of affection, to me it just feels disgusting. i asked her to tell me if this is what affection feels like, and then i will know if that is the signal for me to squeeze the persons hand, is it like you have to make the affection?? like you get that feeling and thats it but its just a different feeling for me?? i feel twisted that this is all i have to go on to know how i like someone and i dont even like it-i feel repulsive and like im crawling in my own skin
what if everyone gets the feeling in like their hands or something and thats how they know to squeeze the person shand, and i get it in dirty places and im disgusting then.
im also seeing her about cramps and all, so im a bit scared. is it stupid i talk to her about this?? is she meant to be telling me what i feel?? its just i dont know who else to ask who is medical and would know. ill see keira after the app too so thatll be good to calm me down.
well, what do you think, does anyone have any suggestions as to how to feel affection, how do you know wat it is, i just feel empty.