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Old 06-22-2007, 08:45 AM   #1
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violaroses HB User
if only i could run away,

i have posted a few times, i am so down, i have asked God to take over for me. its too big , but I keep taking it back from him so i can worry over it more. i have twin 9 year old girls, loooovvee them. i am an only child, i cant adjust to their fighting. ( i will have to though ) but emily has depression problems, everynight she writes to herself about all these bad thoughts. so i have talked to her school, and i have to get her in therapy. she misses my dad who died soo bad, when i talk to my mom she says we talk about grandpa too much, and her boyfriend says we have to get over it. that hurt them saying that.

my mom has a spot on her lung, my dad died of lung cancer. she is gettng it checked out today, she says plans on not having any treatment if is cancer- because she doesnt want to feel sick. i know i have too much stuff on my plate to worry about something that might not be, but mom i need you .

i am really depressed because i dont like my mom right now, she has been such a mean person to me, she is defensive around me. like i am going to say somethign that will tee her off.
my mom is agnostic, so we dont see religion the same way, i am tired of her telling my girls that dad is just a memory now. it hurts them, so i tell them no, grandpa is in heaven, and we have to believe their is a window he can see out sometimes and look at us.
sometimes i wonder if i will ever see the light again, the depression keeps me so heavy.

 
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:11 AM   #2
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Re: if only i could run away,

Quote:
Originally Posted by violaroses View Post
i have posted a few times, i am so down, i have asked God to take over for me. its too big , but I keep taking it back from him so i can worry over it more. i have twin 9 year old girls, loooovvee them. i am an only child, i cant adjust to their fighting. ( i will have to though ) but emily has depression problems, everynight she writes to herself about all these bad thoughts. so i have talked to her school, and i have to get her in therapy. she misses my dad who died soo bad, when i talk to my mom she says we talk about grandpa too much, and her boyfriend says we have to get over it. that hurt them saying that.

my mom has a spot on her lung, my dad died of lung cancer. she is gettng it checked out today, she says plans on not having any treatment if is cancer- because she doesnt want to feel sick. i know i have too much stuff on my plate to worry about something that might not be, but mom i need you .

i am really depressed because i dont like my mom right now, she has been such a mean person to me, she is defensive around me. like i am going to say somethign that will tee her off.
my mom is agnostic, so we dont see religion the same way, i am tired of her telling my girls that dad is just a memory now. it hurts them, so i tell them no, grandpa is in heaven, and we have to believe their is a window he can see out sometimes and look at us.
sometimes i wonder if i will ever see the light again, the depression keeps me so heavy.

Hi Roses!

By all means, do get your girl(s) into therapy.
I remember when I lost my mother, it really affected my daughter. She had her graduation ceremony 2 days after my mom passed, and both our hearts were very heavy while we were there.

She won lots of awards and had an excellent GPA!
As happy and proud as I was for her, I was also extremly sad. I felt like crying (and I did shed a few tears during the ceremony) but I cheered her on.
That's a bittersweet memory.

By your twins being so young, it's hard on any child.
when i talk to my mom she says we talk about grandpa too much, and her boyfriend says we have to get over it

Sounds like to me your mom wants to "brush off" or make light of you and your daughter's feelings of grief towards your father. She has NO RIGHT to tell you how and what to feel about this... and if you feel the need to talk about it, you go right in to see a therapist, b/c it's obivious your mom doesn't want to discuss it. She doesn't want her feelings exposed on grieving for your dad. It's as if she's bottling things up and telling you all to be quiet about it. I guess this is her way of "moving on" with her life.

As for the boyfriend, he needs to shut it up!

Does he know what it feels like to lose someone you love? Has he been through the grief and hurt it brings? If not, does he, at the very least have any compassion for those who suffer through it?
No, he wants you all to just "get over it" because he is the boyfriend and he's tired of hearing about the man who's shoes he can't fill.
It's like he's saying, "I'm here now, so stop talking about your dad."

That really makes me P. O.'d

As for your mother, I'd stay away from her. She acts like she doesn't want to hear you talk about your dad, either. She definitely needs to see a therapist -- she's denying some feelings there, and she probably has to hide them from this new boyfriend because her grieving for your dad makes the b/f feel inadequate.

How long since your dad passed and your mom got this new boyfriend?

 
Old 06-22-2007, 11:13 AM   #3
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Re: if only i could run away,

Hi Viola...
I agree with everything Juju said. This boyfriend of your mom gets his nose out of joint when anyone talks about your dad. He is insecure...but has no business disrespecting your father's name. You are part of your father, and so is your daughter...so when he disrespects your dad, he is disrespecting you.
Like Juju says, I think also your mom is denying her feelings...but it seems that no matter what she is content with this guy...maybe happy even? I dont know. The thing is...no matter what she is doing...she's making her choices as to how to move on with her life without your dad. And doesnt seem to be considering YOUR feelings, so you really should do the same. I'm not saying to stop loving her of course...but you need to refocus your priorities...and direct them to your daughters and yourself. No matter which way you cut it...your mom is coping....and she does have this man. Your daughters need you right now..and you need someone to support YOU. You cant get that from your mom right now. Dont worry so much about that "spot on her lung"...alot of people assume the worst (I have been there many more times than I can count)...but hopefully it will be something minor. Worry when you need to......
It's obvious you are really heartbroken about your dad....but I'm sure he would want you to go on and be happy. Just let your mom find her way....I guess it's better than her being alone and miserable. Then she'd be in your face all the time making you the same way. Put some distance between you...see her in small doses so that you dont feel like all of a sudden you've lost your mother as well.....and also so she doesnt drive you crazy.

Juju....I believe her dad passed away approx a year ago....it was recently anyways...but her mom got together with this guy very soon afterwards...that's why she came here......... man...there's so many sad stories out there in the world isnt there.

Carsam

 
Old 06-22-2007, 11:35 AM   #4
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Re: if only i could run away,

Quote:
Originally Posted by carsam View Post
Hi Viola...
I agree with everything Juju said. This boyfriend of your mom gets his nose out of joint when anyone talks about your dad. He is insecure...but has no business disrespecting your father's name. You are part of your father, and so is your daughter...so when he disrespects your dad, he is disrespecting you.
Like Juju says, I think also your mom is denying her feelings...but it seems that no matter what she is content with this guy...maybe happy even? I dont know. The thing is...no matter what she is doing...she's making her choices as to how to move on with her life without your dad. And doesnt seem to be considering YOUR feelings, so you really should do the same. I'm not saying to stop loving her of course...but you need to refocus your priorities...and direct them to your daughters and yourself. No matter which way you cut it...your mom is coping....and she does have this man. Your daughters need you right now..and you need someone to support YOU. You cant get that from your mom right now. Dont worry so much about that "spot on her lung"...alot of people assume the worst (I have been there many more times than I can count)...but hopefully it will be something minor. Worry when you need to......
It's obvious you are really heartbroken about your dad....but I'm sure he would want you to go on and be happy. Just let your mom find her way....I guess it's better than her being alone and miserable. Then she'd be in your face all the time making you the same way. Put some distance between you...see her in small doses so that you dont feel like all of a sudden you've lost your mother as well.....and also so she doesnt drive you crazy.

Juju....I believe her dad passed away approx a year ago....it was recently anyways...but her mom got together with this guy very soon afterwards...that's why she came here......... man...there's so many sad stories out there in the world isnt there.

Carsam
Carly,

Ok, it's been a year... that's still fresh!

I agree w/you in that she should probably see her mom in "small doses" so as not to cut her completely off... that's just me -- wanting to cut out the "mess".
She has to see her mom so she'll have to see the mother's boyfriend.

Maybe he'll leave out of the room so they can talk for all of --oh, say maybe -- 5 minutes???? LOL

But again, you're right: her girls need her and they can feel free to discuss their feelings with a therapist. Mom's not helping them right now.

 
Old 06-22-2007, 11:46 AM   #5
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Re: if only i could run away,

aug 24th . everything you guys are saying makes sense. i have to put distance, and get a tougher back, and i have to take care of my daughters. i just got done booking an appt for emily (9) to see somebody, .
i am not happy about my mom. i hate that i have had thoughts of i wish it was mom, and not dad whom passed; dad wouldnt do this to us. ( we dont know what he would do, but i dont think anything like this) . i miss my mom so much, i think thats why i keep putting up with torture, (miss the old ways of her, ) i try to be happy for dad, i try to make things fun. i bought the girls those skater shoes after dad died so he could look from heaven and laugh at the girls. and we do lots of neat art projects, and family stuff. but its so hard. because i am still dealing with my very own grief of dad. my favorite place to go cry is in the shower so nobody will hear me, or see me sad. my girls pick up on my emotion, they are too much like me, sensitive, feeling, : ) thank you so much ((()))

 
Old 06-22-2007, 12:08 PM   #6
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Re: if only i could run away,

Many hugs to you, Roses!

You take both girls to see the therapist.
How does the other twin take the loss?

Your feelings are not uncommon, Roses. We all feel angry, hurt and start blaming ourselves and trying to rationalize the matter, just to see if there's something we could have or should have done to prevent losing the loved one.

Then, after you work things out, you find there was nothing you could do.

It's part of life's cylce, part of a process that we all go through as long as we're on the face of this earth.

 
Old 06-22-2007, 12:21 PM   #7
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Re: if only i could run away,

Isn't it amazing how differently people deal w/loss?! Viola, you are doing your Dad justice in letting your twins grieve as they may over him, give yourself credit for being strong! We all know time heals so I hope you are gentle with yourself even if your Mom is making it harder on you by not being available to you when you need her. My thoughts are with you.....

 
Old 06-22-2007, 08:19 PM   #8
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Re: if only i could run away,

Hi Viola.....
What was your relationship like with your mom before your dad died? What was "she" like? Has she completely changed?
Did she have a doctors appointment today? You mentioned she was getting that spot on her lung checked into today....
I know you feel bad for thinking it would be easier if it had been your mom that passed away.....dont feel bad for that. You're not actually wishing your mom was gone by saying this....I think what you are wishing is that if she had gone...you'd know for sure you'd still have one parent left....but now you feel like you have none? As if you lost them both? Is that right?

Carsam

Last edited by mary09; 06-22-2007 at 08:23 PM.

 
Old 06-23-2007, 10:53 AM   #9
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Re: if only i could run away,

thats right carsam, I feel like I have lost both parents. i guess i have learned moms personality borders on the obsessive, like she gets a hobby, and she will work day and night and be loving life doing her one hobby. my dad and i were best friends. we would always ask mom if she wanted to go to coffee with us, and she would say no, she is doing ****/
it hurt when she met steve and she wanted to do all these things with him, but she didnt want to leave the house when dad was alive. she ws always into her family, her grandaughters. now she just want to live for steve.
her spot on her lung was nothing, whew/

my other daughter elizabeth, well she will crawl in my lap and cry, wishing things were different, and the same before grandpa died. steve and my mom are taking the girls out to icecream today, i think they are going to tell them in their own words that mom is moving away. she will be leaving soon to go back to his place. (his place has a trailer, no toilet, i think he just put in running water for mom).
they dont treat my husband well, they think he is the enemy, dad put him in charge and he is looking out for my mom, but instead of approaching us lovingly when it all happened, mom in a really growly voice said this is what is going to be and i am a grown women, single, and i will do what i want. and she was soo bitchy- her voice, she never gave us a chance to do it nicely,

i was with her everyday since dad got sick, everyday i held her hand when she cried, and then she turns around and is such a well big meanie. and she gave peter(dh) dads tools and then she demanded them back, said circumstances have changed. and every phone call she would be mean about it, so one day i just pushed the very heavy tool chest down the street to my moms house who lives 3 blocks away, and a man sent from heaven helped me drag it down , and now my hubby is still mad at me/ i just want to love everybody.
thank u guys so much for listening. it really means alot.

 
Old 06-23-2007, 07:10 PM   #10
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Re: if only i could run away,

Hey Viola....
You sound like me....you have a very big heart...and sometimes it lands you in a pile of trouble. It's so big, it blocks your vision and you cant see properly. You just want to "love everyone"...and live in peace. What's wrong with that right? Nothing...except sadly life is not like that. Your mom is acting right now like a teenage girl with her first boyfriend. Everyone else takes a back seat and she's in that "the world revolves around him" type of feeling. We all know it.
But in saying that, she's not a teenager. You know what her relationship was like with your dad. If she truly loved him...if it was devastating for her to lose him...then this is how she's coping. It may not be the healthiest way, but its her way. Viola, it doesnt sound to me like there's anything you can do to change anything right now. It's like when you see your kids headed down a bad path....you can tell them what you feel...but they will insist on making their own mistakes. All you can do is hope they dont fall too hard and be there to pick up the pieces. Your mom is like that for you. All you can do is be there...if it falls apart for her. And in the meantime....take care of you, your girls, your husband. Dont let her upset you...you are trying to deal with your own grief in your own way. Maybe talk to a therapist? It sounds like you are mourning "both" of your parents. I'm sorry....
But know that your dad is watching over you......and I hope that one day when I'm in heaven (hopefully) then I'll be looking over my son...and if I see he misses me, and loves me...I'll know I was loved and that I did a good enough job. I'm sure that makes your dad happy. And I'm sure he would want you to try and carry him in your heart, but move on and be happy. Try to do that one last thing for him...I know it's hard...but in time it will get a little easier.

Carsam

 
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