Hi there girl...
You know D, you need to get out of that job!!!! The more you post, the more I see it. This feeling is not going away..you are not just in a rut. This job is contributing big time to your depression. Maybe since you suffer from this, this is not the line of work you should be in hon. Maybe you DO need to get into something more positive, to lift your spirits. I'm not 100% sure what you do, but I know it involves alot of evaluating of people, and their health issues. (hope I'm right there). I'm saying D, isnt this like an alcoholic working in a liquor store? You need to stay away from these triggers, you need to work somewhere that you can go every day that is positive, and enriching to you. You are right, you are a free spirit, trapped in this job. But girl, you are the only one that can change it. If you worry so much now about the finances, talk to Craig, see what you can come up with. Can you take some online courses? You know D, your career feelings are almost like your "emotional" feelings...Remember all those negative circumstances we talk about? Well, I too in the same sense feel like I am a "happy" person trapped in a negative persons mind! Because all that is around me is "dramatic, and tense, negative ALL the time". And left alone, I know I could be happy. Same with you....I really believe you could overcome this depression if your dad wasnt so ill....if you were in a job you were happy with....you know these are your triggers. So D, sadly, you cant do anything about your parents situation, but you can about the job. Figure out what you would like to do and then for now even maybe volunteer in that field if you can, to try it out. It's hard, when you get to our age, not that we're fossils or anything, but we're old enough to get in that rut. Unlike you, I never really had any career aspirations....I didnt get a chance to. My part time job as a teenager became a full time one...and then I just stayed there, and moved on to different positions. Work wise, I feel I make no contribution to the "world" whatsover, oh except that someone might like the "pretty package" we designed....or that we got a cheaper price on a certain product. Big deal. And this is where I spend sometimes more time than I do with my own family. So sure D, it is ridiculously important to be at least "comfortable" with where you go to work everyday, if not "happy". I am at the same point in life as you....with regards to making a life change...I wish to God I could "move". I would move out West...where I just went on holidays. New home, new city...new place to explore. I would love something really "different" in life....not that I dont appreciate what I have, I do. God, I hope this isnt mid life crisis!!!
Dont feel so bad about "routine"...I know it sucks but it's a place a lot of us end up, it just happens. Like you say, you need it now. Why though? Because it's safe? Because you work so hard to keep going every day and you're managing....and you dont want to upset the apple cart? You know...life has so much wonderful things to offer despite all the bad. It's sad we seem to experience more of the bad than the good isnt it? I really hope D, that maybe you and Craig could take some time to go away somewhere soon. I think you need to break from "routine" from a bit...to sort things out...to get perspective. You cant do that while you're buried in reports. Sometimes it's never a "good time" to get away.....but when your body is telling you with all these migraines and work frustrations that you "need" to take a break, then "NOW" is the "right" time. I'm sorry about all these headaches D, they suck. I get migraines often too, but I dont think as bad as yours. I read over on the Kidney Boards someone who suffers from them said, they heard they can also be caused by dehydration. Maybe this isnt why you get them...but it couldnt hurt to make sure you are drinking lots of fluids, they said cucumber helps?
You hang in there D.....talk to Craig...what does he think about your work?
Big hugs to you my friend!!!!!
Dakota....how are things right now? I know right after I sent this post to you the other day, we went off on a very deep topic...so I'm not sure you had a chance to read my post.....just wanted to address some points about your job...what do u think?
well, i re-read your response/pt. of view/advice, and it had interesting (and heavy) points to consider. and, being that it's 11:22pm here now, and tomorrow is another "work" day for me, i'll have to leave this answer (cuz it will probably be loooooong) for another time. there are too many things to think about in there. too many things to consider. too much "stuff" to ponder over... it's all good though. it'll make me think and maybe put some things in perspective and even help me sort out my head!!!! so, it's good. but for now, i just want to say i hope you all have a good, restful night, with sweet dreams, and that you'll wake up rested and refreshed in the morning.
love you all,
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
Hey there D....
I know you're just popping in right now...so probably wont hear from you till Monday...just wanted to say HI!!!! Hope you didnt have too stressful a day today at work, and I hope you can get some rest now as I know your weekend starts tonight!!!
I'm happy to have kept you company!!!
I hope you're feeling better.....keep me posted on how things go with your friends, okay? And dont get down on yourself because of it, okay? Things will work out!!! Keep your chin up - you're a great person!!!!
Have a great day Catherine!!!
i'm in the abyss again. a damn living nightmare, that's what it is. i can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so tired of this. i'm so exhausted of it all. i find it hard to even move these days. and yes, i've talked about "the job" with my "fiance" and sister, and they've brought up some good points. each has their own personality though, and my sister is more of a "doer" than a "thinker," --probably my antitehesis.
i'm too tired for words. i'm too tired to search for things......things that might make a difference towards improving my life. i get very disillusioned lately. i'm in the dmaned pit again! again, again, again. it seems like it came at the end of the fall last year and never really left. so no matter the effexor, lamictal, and more recently wellbutrin that the new shrink put me on, the hell is here to stay and seems everlasting. i'm like a horse with blinders on. can't see anything around me. i have some vision, but that's it, so i'm not totally and incapacitatingly blind. i don't know how i'm going through my days.
i've let it out to my clinical director yesterday in passing; she understood. she did mention fmla, or a leave of absence, but who's going to pay my bills???????????? maybe i shoul've never bought this co-op. maybe i should sell it NOW, and get it over with. but my sister says i'd have to pay rent anyway, no matter way. went to work yesterday just because my fiance and sister told me to go and i forced myself.
have migraines and headaches everyday now. what is the point??????? what is the reason????? for everything??? i've been looking for support groups that meet in person, in my area but haven't found any. there are a couple in manhattan, but i hate taking the train/subway...and meeting them at 6:30pm there. at least they're on mondays, my day off, so maybe i'll try one. what the hell. i'll force myself again. i can't even believe it. i can't believe i'm that much of an incompetent. they have a support group who meets and talks and practices themes from "the secret," that is pretty close by, but it meets sat. at 1pm, and that's a damned work day for me.
i feel like i can't work anymore; don't want to talk/move/do anything anymore. tired of explaining myself and how difficult it is to get going. sister says "you have to take better care of your body. you never eat breakfast or lunch. your body's running on empty..." but i eat dinner. not enough she says. i feel nauseated when i think of eating in the morning!!!!!!!!!!! she even gave me one of those small breakfast smoothies to try. i drank it around 1pm yesterday while in the car, on my way to a mtg.
this is toooooooooooooooooo much!!!! i think i need more help than this. sister and fiance say they understand. i feel he understands better, since his mother had depression most of her life, and even went away to a couple of places for some r & r on two occasions. sister tells me i should take a walk in the evening; i should go to a yoga class with her...we've talked about yoga for quite a while. im so damned tired when i get home, i have no energy for anything. is this damn wellbutrin giving me or exacerbating my migranes/headaches?????? i can't take it Anymore!!!!!!!! the lamictal is supposed to keep me from getting too "LOW"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it doesn't seem to be doing too good of a job!
need to shower, and trudge over to keep the roof over my head. have mtg. this am where i have to present some crap. all a bunch of crap anyway. i can't see good things anymore. i'm starting to feel very angry again. at all of it. angry and super sad at my condition. i cry when the weekend comes and i wake up with another migraine. why? again. why? even on my days off. and just a few months ago, my neurologist increased my topamax (preventive for migraines). why dont' these drugs work anymore???? even the "newer" ones i'm on???? am i beyond that? maybe. i don't know what to do anymore to remove the blackness that weights my center, the core of me, so down, it's difficult to take a shower...
need to get the heck out of here. forcing myself again. ok. here i go.
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 07-11-2007 at 05:29 AM.
Dakota, I really want to say something to help make you feel better. I do. But I have nothing at this moment, because I know right now you don't need to hear anything fake, or unrealistic. I want to tell you to hang in there, but I know that's what you're doing, Dakota, and as much as it hurts, you've stayed with us. I know that sometimes that seems more than a reasonable expectation. I have nothing to offer you, I have no suggestions, or anything like that. All I have for you is my love, and my sympathy, and my thoughts, and all the cyber hugs I could possibly send. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, and I'm sorry that none of your meds are working. I'm sorry about your daily headaches, and I'm sorry that life in general has been so damn cruel, Dakota. It really isn't fair.
Love you Dakota. You will be in my thoughts, and I hope you can find a little bit of ease today. (((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))
Amber said everything I was going to say to you......she said it perfectly.
Dakota....dearest friend.....I work in a large retail pharmacy...so I sent an email to a pharmacist I know here, just asking about your medications. Of course she couldnt really diagnose anything...except to speak to your doctor...but she gave me a good idea. Not sure if you've maybe done this...but she suggested a "migraine diary"......keep track of "when" they come, how often, and how severe.....and all that surrounds them. What you were thinking about, what you were doing, what you were "eating" even....and to go through it with your doctor. I dont know hon...it may help narrow things down a little bit.
Then...I looked up this "Wellbutrin" on the net...only to find out that my SIL actually works for the company that makes it. So I emailed her this morning, just to ask if she had some good scoop on it, and any reported links to migraines. She told me basically it is prescribed alot for "treating" migraines. But then, my goodness, she was asking me who was this info for, and she was supposed to by company policy report any problems she'd heard of. I said, oh my goodness, I was just asking a question. I told her I couldnt even give her a name, because I dont know my friends "name", we are not allowed to have personal contact. So she asks me to be the contact then...and I said...geez, I cant....I really dont know all the details, and I'm not even suggesting that medication is the issue...just trying to do some research to help her. So typical...she always makes a mountain out of a molehill. Anyways....doesnt sound like they're caused by that med, but your doctor would obviously know better.
I'm sorry hon...I want so badly to help you here....to take you out of this "abyss"...to wave a magic wand and make it go away. I have a spare bedroom ready for Amber....I can get another bed....... You both know if I could....I would.......
Talk to me about this....is it a feeling? Is there something bothering you that you know of? Or is it like when my mom tells me that it just "comes over you"? I'm so sorry sweetie....you are trying so hard to fight this, and I know some days you just dont feel like fighting....but its okay to be angry...it is frustrating to feel like that so often.....whatever way you have to let it out, do it.
I know there's so many "remedies" out there, like the yoga your sister suggested, walks, drinking lots of water....but on days like you're having...I really dont think those will work. I do think a personal support group would be helpful for you D....people who you can talk face to face with....you need more people around who understand.....and who "you know understand".....
I'm sorry D.......sorry you're having such a lousy day......and I know it doesnt change anything but you are in my prayers...and you are loved D......please remember that no matter how hard it gets how special you are to people.....I'm sure we all wish so very much for you to be free of this.
Have you tried any local churches? I mean for support groups? Our church has the STEP program. When I think of STEP, I think of addiction recovery. It is, but it's for all types of recovery, not just addiction. Our church has step programs for Depression, weight management, anger management, marriage builders, boundaries. I've taken the boundaries, and Marriage builders, and will probably take the depression one if I ever get out of here. Just a thought...It might be something to look into.