Isle you stated the following: "I just hate myself now and Im just so upset".The last time I checked this is called yes it has a name.."feeling sorry for ones self"
At least you admit to yourself that you are wrong in your actions.
why are you beating a dead horse? have you ever heard of move on? just because one person in you life was a bad apple you can not use that bad apple to compair to other apples..if you do the bad apple wins it has scared you for life and turned you in to a bitter old apple...right? you wake up one day and find yourself all alone with nothing to show for you life but emptyness.
If you get accused of something for soooo long that you did not do how would YOU act out..give in an comit the crime or walk away and leave the accuser behind in the dust to wallow in their on misery? come on! 4 years of this. You are thinking way too hard and putting more thought into this than trying to figure out the problem and fixing it.
Stop being a whinny butt because its not all about you all the time. It takes two to make a relationship work and your lady has been carrying you far too long! no wonder she is at the end of her rope..all the talking or love in the world wont fix squat if you dont take action for yourself and make a change for the better..see? so wipe the snot and zip your pants its time to stand up and fight for the woman you love and the life you deserve.
one of the poster's ask you a question and I might have missed the answer but here it is again..
Did you forgive yourself for the last relationship you were in?
This is VERY important thing to do! a must if you will..
this is what helped me move on from a horrible 20+year marriage. i truly hope it helps you.
1. make a list of what I wanted to accomplish in my life
2. what was the most important things in my life..(other than yourself and how you feel) it may not seem like much but its a start. ie..wife, partner,children, own your on home, talk more to god, job etc..
3. write down why you dont like yourself (what gets you mad at yourself)
4. wright down the positive things about myself as a person that I liked.
5. changes I needed to make about myself to make me a better person and feel good about myself again.. ..because I figured out I didnt like "me" hummm who knew?
6. understand and admit to yourself that if you dont like you for who you are how can anyone else like you? much less live with you?
to make these changes happen 1-5
8. Forgive the person who hurt you..the memory will still be there but the pain will lift and go away promise.
9. Forgive yourself!! to free yourself.
10. hang this list on the fridge, look at it every day soon you will be crossing these things off your list and find you really like who you are agan.