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Old 07-10-2007, 06:09 AM   #1
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please help

Hiya, Many years ago I dated a girl who for ten years cheated on me and basically gave me a hard time, since then I have moved on and I have found a gorgeous women who I love to bits and who loves me more than anything in the world. The problem is that now and again I get really paranoid that she's going off me when I know she's not, she would never cheat on me or leave me but I just cant help getting worried and its making me really depressed. I know that if it carrys on Im gonna lose her and I dont know what to do, It makes me feel sick and very down. We have a 10 month old child and I want to sort myself out before it gets out of hand and lose both of them.

please help me.

thanks

 
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Old 07-10-2007, 06:25 AM   #2
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mycatwillow HB User
Re: please help

Hi,

Your previous relationship was really long, so no wonder it's still affecting you. It can't be easy to get over something like that. I don't know everything about your situtation and I'm no expert, but what you're experiency may be temporary, unless you have had depressive episodes before. Have you? Also is your current partner aware of your previous situation, and does she understand?

Maybe all you need is a little cognitive therapy to help you conquer the negative emotions when they come up. One really good book for that is "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns. It is a bit long though. There was a thread here on books not that long ago, if you do a search maybe you will find it, or some of the other members can give some recommendations.

Keep posting here, because it can be very helpful.

 
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Old 07-10-2007, 08:48 AM   #3
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Re: please help

It is only natural to have feelings of paranoia after being treated so badly by another. Remember your present girlfriend is here in the present with YOU. Leave behind the emotions from the past. Your thoughts are illogical, as you said. (I still have problems with my hubby of 10 years, (relating things to the past and the x). If she loves you she should understand your insecurities. Have you forgiven yourself for the last relationship?

 
Old 07-10-2007, 08:32 PM   #4
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renee37 HB User
Re: please help

My husband was kind of the same way. He was very insecure about our relationship in the beginning. He had several girlfriends cheat on him. For the first two years of our marriage he was always worried that I was going to leave him. I told him that I understood. We talked about his feelings and I think that it helped him because he was able to discuss how he felt. We have now been married 10 years and he does not worry at all. I think I was able to deal with this because, even though he was insecure, he did not act jealous. I don't know if I could have handled that. Have you talked to her about how you feel? I know this helped my husband and I. It really helped us because I knew where he was coming from. Just don't give up, it sounds like you have a really great woman.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 03:45 AM   #5
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Re: please help

Thank you for all your replys.

Last night I made a massive mistake by upseting her and I think Ive messed up big time.
Ive been getting paraniod and depressed for nearly 5 years now, 4 of them years ive been with my partner and she's sick of it now. I also panic alot when i havnt heard from her for a few hours and my heart goes into overdrive, she has told me if I dont see a doctor then thats the end of us.
I just dont know what to do, we have talked about it and she says she has got to a point where she is sick of talking about it.
Ive told her that none of this is my fault and that I dont ask for it to happen, its all in the brain.

also I did stop worrying for a long time but the other day something triggerd it off again.

I just hate myself now and Im just so upset.

please help

Last edited by Isle_of_Man; 07-11-2007 at 03:48 AM.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 08:35 AM   #6
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cantell HB User
Re: please help

Isle you stated the following: "I just hate myself now and Im just so upset".The last time I checked this is called yes it has a name.."feeling sorry for ones self"

At least you admit to yourself that you are wrong in your actions.
why are you beating a dead horse? have you ever heard of move on? just because one person in you life was a bad apple you can not use that bad apple to compair to other apples..if you do the bad apple wins it has scared you for life and turned you in to a bitter old apple...right? you wake up one day and find yourself all alone with nothing to show for you life but emptyness.

If you get accused of something for soooo long that you did not do how would YOU act out..give in an comit the crime or walk away and leave the accuser behind in the dust to wallow in their on misery? come on! 4 years of this. You are thinking way too hard and putting more thought into this than trying to figure out the problem and fixing it.


Stop being a whinny butt because its not all about you all the time. It takes two to make a relationship work and your lady has been carrying you far too long! no wonder she is at the end of her rope..all the talking or love in the world wont fix squat if you dont take action for yourself and make a change for the better..see? so wipe the snot and zip your pants its time to stand up and fight for the woman you love and the life you deserve.

one of the poster's ask you a question and I might have missed the answer but here it is again..
Did you forgive yourself for the last relationship you were in?
This is VERY important thing to do! a must if you will..

this is what helped me move on from a horrible 20+year marriage. i truly hope it helps you.

1. make a list of what I wanted to accomplish in my life
2. what was the most important things in my life..(other than yourself and how you feel) it may not seem like much but its a start. ie..wife, partner,children, own your on home, talk more to god, job etc..
3. write down why you dont like yourself (what gets you mad at yourself)
4. wright down the positive things about myself as a person that I liked.
5. changes I needed to make about myself to make me a better person and feel good about myself again.. ..because I figured out I didnt like "me" hummm who knew?
6. understand and admit to yourself that if you dont like you for who you are how can anyone else like you? much less live with you?
7. Plans to make these changes happen 1-5
8. Forgive the person who hurt you..the memory will still be there but the pain will lift and go away promise.
9. Forgive yourself!! to free yourself.
10. hang this list on the fridge, look at it every day soon you will be crossing these things off your list and find you really like who you are agan.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 09:21 AM   #7
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Re: please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isle_of_Man View Post
Thank you for all your replys.

Last night I made a massive mistake by upseting her and I think Ive messed up big time.
Ive been getting paraniod and depressed for nearly 5 years now, 4 of them years ive been with my partner and she's sick of it now. I also panic alot when i havnt heard from her for a few hours and my heart goes into overdrive, she has told me if I dont see a doctor then thats the end of us.
I just dont know what to do, we have talked about it and she says she has got to a point where she is sick of talking about it.
Ive told her that none of this is my fault and that I dont ask for it to happen, its all in the brain.

also I did stop worrying for a long time but the other day something triggerd it off again.

I just hate myself now and Im just so upset.

please help
Do you think you could have ptsd? Just a thought. I have it because of being married. Cheating, lying, critisizing, belittling DOES wear you down. I ask because you say - "you stopped worrying for a long time." That is how ptsd symptoms come about, through a trigger. One day I am fine, the next I feel so numb and sad. I KNOW my thoughts at bad times are illogical, BUT as illogical as they are.........nothing stops you having them. I understand that it is not your fault. Given the chance, I would much rather have less stupid, illogical, doubting, worrying thoughts floating around in my head. Check out the ptsd site. It may help. Also, are you on any meds. It's taken my years to admit to myself I do have issues of a mental nature!!!!!!!!! - but I'm not mad, honestly.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 11:25 AM   #8
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Re: please help

Thank you again for all your replys.

12 years ago I went with a girl who use to be really nice to me for a few weeks then all of a sudden she would say things that were nasty and go out and not see her for days, I cant believe I never ended it staight away but I was young and bloody stupid. sometimes she use to talk to me funny like she didnt like me anymore and not kiss me or hold my hand, ya know just the daily things that we use to do. She use to be very strange after a night out with the girls and later on she'd tell me that she had been with someone else. she also use to be very sneaky with the phone and make out it was one of her friends but I wasnt that stupid.
So now whenever my current girlfriend txts someone or goes on nights out I panic or if she says something strange it suddenly makes me feel down. I just dont know why I get like that bcus I know she wouldnt cheat on me and I know she thinks the world of me, she buys me things tells me she loves me every single day (atleast ten times a day), Im just scared of losing her, she is so pretty, people in the street or at her work jsut cant keep their eyes of her, she is so friendly with men and women and always takes peoples phone numbers so she can txt them and I get jelous and when I think she's acting strange thats when I go into panic,depressed and moody mode.

as you can see from my name i live on a small island so I live 3 minutes away from my ex who still gives me and the missus a hard time, I cannot stand my ex, I can never forgive her, her family tried to run my baby down a few months ago which was very upsetting. so as you can see I cant go anywhere without the ex bringing back bad memories.

Sorry about my english gramma.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 11:59 AM   #9
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positivity17 HB User
Re: please help

If this madness has been going on and affecting your life for that many years and may result in your relationship possibly ending I would suggest seeing a therapist. With an effective therapist you can help to understand your behavior and begin to change it. Your past had a traumatic effect on you and needs to be dealt with somehow, you are aware of this problem, that's a start. Talking about it will help you to come to realizations about yourself, keep posting!!

 
Old 07-11-2007, 01:19 PM   #10
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Re: please help

Thank you p17

I think thats what i might have to do, i can go on like this anymore.
I dont even feel like eating bcus im so worried and im worrying for nothing. its all in my head and i need to get it out. its even giving me headaches and its horrible, im 28 now and need to get it sorted and keep my family together.

 
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