being in bed all day, self-isolating for nearly a year, ain't fun AT ALL. i'm sick of being this way even though i'm scared to death of going 'outside' again. very contradicting i know. thinking of going out is like forcing myself to suicide, which is something i dont want to.
although the depression stuff is still weighting on me, never get better, but i feel like i need to do what i gotta do to save myself.
so in a week time, i plan on getting a job, of course, an easier-not-so-demanding job first. but before that, i need to get my hair done (never cut my hair for a year and now i look like some mad people ) and just to groom myself up abit.
i still have weak confidence in myself and having hard time keeping my promise so i thought dropping a message here will remind me to keep my words. so check me back after a week to see if i keep my promise or not. hopefully i do.
great job llouis! i'm so glad you've managed to pull yourself out of that pit you were in!!! i know it must have been hard to do, but you did it. that's how things are in life sometimes. we need to pull ourselves up even if we have to crawl...
yes, please let us know how it's going whenever you feel like writing back!
much luck to you!!!
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
llouis, it's a contradiction alright! Getting back into the world is scary after living in isolation. I hope you feel as good as you look when you get your hair cut. You're making a start which is great, just do little baby steps, one thing at a time, be easy with yourself and don't forget to give yourself credit for pushing yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back! Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I wish you luck with making your changes.
thanks guys for the encouragement, i hope i dont let everybody and most importantly myself down.
ok, today i'm going to dedicate the whole day just to get my hair cut. does that sound too wasted?? i duno, even getting a new haircut makes me nervous. i'm so used to this moron style and it's freaky to imagine getting different style. i had butterflies since last night, i dont have a good night sleep either. it's a small thing but why am i so overwhelmed?
another thing, i'm scared of going into saloon. i dunno how your saloon look like at your country, but at my place, it's intimidating. the place is so hip and the hairstylists are young, gorgeous and trendy. and there i am, feeling like a peice of crap walking inside, even thinking of just makes me wanna cry. i know i'm over dramatic but cant help.
but the good news is, i still have hours to get ready before stepping inside. (really really intimidating as hell)
Gosh, i still cant believe i did it. thank god for the courage to walk the first step.
it's frightening to even tell the stylist how i want my hair to be cut. when he asked me, i basically choked.
but then it went on smoothly as he started to cut my hair. but it's intimidating everytime i looked myself in the mirror, i felt like i see someone ugly, paralyse crap starring back at me. i kept remind myself not to be harsh towards myself and stop the comparing becoz the fact is, i look terrible next to the gorgeous looking stylist.
i eventually get it done, and to be honest, i kinda like my new haircut. at least better than the moron hair i got over the past year.
after i went home, i immediately took a picture (not a frequent picture taker, in fact i hate taking picture), not sure why i took it, but i guess it's a way to remind myself how i used to be in the future. when i look at the picture, i can somehow have the belief to tell myself, hey i'm not that ugly after all.
i felt better becoz at least i've done something. but i keep telling myself "don't base your self-esteem on your hair", coz you might just have a bad hair day tomorrow
so until then everything is stable, next week i'm gonna start looking for a job and hopefully everthing goes according to plan. peace out!
Great start llouis, you faced your fears, pushing thru to get results-congratulations!!! I'm glad you feel good about yourself. Don't forget to have the same attitude when you're looking for a job. Best of luck!!
unfortunately my fantabolous hair didnt help much on my so-called first interview since my 2-year-of-unemployment. yeah, i failed to get the job.
it wasnt some kind of high level job, in fact it doesnt require any cert at all, yet i failed. damn!
it's a clothing shop and they are looking for so-called 'young & energetic' salesperson. i walked in, asking for the job and the boss came up to me, asked me a couple of questions. i did ok on the Q&A session. well obviously i did lie to cover up my depression and 'stay-home' times coz as much as i hate to say this, mental instability is a big no no to employers.
then i was on one-hour work-trial. soon came a customer, so i aprroached the customer, while the boss was standing behind me, basically checking on how i cope. i can feel the attention he was putting on me, it's kinda nerve-wracking!! even though i was all shaky inside, and i did tremble when i speak, but overall i pretty much held my composure together. after all the service, the customer left without purchasing anything.
after the trial, he told me i wasnt suitable!!! Damn! i was shocked becoz i thought i presented myself well, but i think he saw me shaky while dealing customers. yes, i was anxious coz i havent connect with real people for almost a year.
depression makes me teary very easily . i got teary but kinda held my tear back as he told me that i was too old for the job. WHAT!! bad excuse . it's hurting my self-esteem badly, i mean badly! i know depression has got me wasted so many precious years, but what he said just validate the fact that i did wasted my time dealing with the madness in me!
i got home and felt like flame burning in my heart for hours. i couldn't believe i failed to get a simple job like that. Am i too old? just because i dont look all trendy like the rest of the stuffs doesnt make me old. just because i get a little bit nervous doesnt mean i cant handle the job. but i soon come to realise that the real world has no mercy, business means no 'trial & error', it's a fierce competition out there even for a simple job. i guess all these times of home-bound make me lost in touch with the reality. then i looked in the mirror and started to realise i do look 'old', not aging but all these years of crying, miserable and sadness kinda all crawled onto my face, which makes me old.
disappointed, furious, down-hearted, restless....this is how i feel right now. i tried to cheer myself up by telling myself at least i can have an excuse to rest for a few days while looking for another job. (not fully cheer-up though, being reject can be hard to deal, especially for me.)
(again try to be optimistic)
i'm sure i have no probs getting another job. well i may be 'old' but i'm still sought-after!
(trying to comfort myself )
#1. fake it until you make it.
#2. dress for success.
Llouis, I'm sorry! But don't give up! My husband and I actually had this conversation about a week ago. We realized that both of us DO NOT ACCEPT FAILURE. We spend a few minutes being upset or whatever, but our minds have moved on about how to overcome the obstacle. We are both like this. We both came from very unfortunate circumstances but we have both made very good lives for ourselves because we just get up and move on and we have both dealt with numerous "obstacles" to our success. We just both have only seen "failure" as an obstacle that must be overcome and nothing more! Failure has never meant to us that we are stupid or useless or whatever. Keep moving!!!!!
Aside from moving or someone dying, interviewing for a job is one of the biggest stressors in life. Just think of that interview as a practice run, so what if you were nervous, after all you are human. Keep your head up and think positive!!! There is a job waiting for you....
"too old for the job. WHAT!! bad excuse ."
I wouldn't take that too much to heart, it probably was just an excuse, you may be a little out of practice so give yourself a break!!
hey, thanks for all the advices, i really appreciate that
no, i know i wasnt at the edge of giving up yet. i mean sometimes i would rather be at 'outside' than be 'inside', if you get what i mean. the feeling of driving your car, looking to your left and right and feel that you're just the same like everybody else, working 9 to 5, make things all right.
and guess what, after another failed interview, i got a job!
it is a part-time job, selling formal attire, so i'm basically happy with that.
i'm so nervous because i'm getting started this weekend so i pray i dont make some social fux then