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please someone i need advise.........

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Old 07-13-2007, 08:49 AM   #1
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please someone i need advise.........

Over the past 6 months my husband has gradually become more and more depressed although he never sought help for it and we both believed it would clear up on its own..............I have been with my husband for 3 years now and i have never known him to have episodes of depression so truely believed it was just a one off...............

Over the past 3 weeks however he became so bad that we have had to seek help from our doctor this morning....
He has not been able to get out of bed and has withdrawn completly into himself.He can hardly speak and when my daughter and son in law visited yesterday he shut himself in his room??? Totally alien and frightening behaviour and soooooooooo not like him!!

I have asked him what the hell is going on and he say he dosnt know he just feels that he should leave so he stops hurting me???

Anyway imagine my horror when we are sitting with the doctor that he admits that 8 years ago he had a complete breakdown and spend nearly a year in hospital and having treatment with the mental health team!!!!!!!!!

I knew nothing about this..In fact he told me he had spend time in hospital at that time for meningitis.Not true..............

He has been given anti depressants and has to go back next week.his files from his old hospital are being sent on and i was told he may have to go back in to hospital again................

I am reeling with shock...... over this and whilst i fully intend to look after him and help him all i can,i cant help feeling somewhat betrayed....This i will get over.......... But i want to know if i will ever get my husband back.........I am living with a stranger here,i have no clue who this man is he is different...............

Coul someone advise me or just talk to me about this.i would be most grateful.....beth

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Old 07-13-2007, 11:37 AM   #2
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

Hi Bethany...
Welcome to the boards!
I'm sorry to hear your trouble....I relate quite a bit to what you're going through with your husband, as I am going through similar issues with my mother. You can read my post if your interested in the "Dakota, this thread is for you"....
BOTH you and your husband need to get help. Does he go to counselling? If not, maybe he should. And even for yourself as well.
Its not an easy thing to deal with on any can just try to support him...he cant help how he feels...any more than you can help being hurt and frightened.
Just wanted to tell you you're not alone....please keep on posting!!


Old 07-13-2007, 12:05 PM   #3
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Re: please someone i need advise.........

Thankyou so much for your swift reply...........And i shall read yor post...........

He point blank refuses to go to counselling,apparently he went before during his last episode and it opened up a can of worms he refuses to deal with.....

At he moment he is saying that all he wants to do is leave and be on his own again that he now realises living with someone else is to much of a strain on him!!!

Which makes me feel like an experiment gone wrong!!

But this isnt (allabout me, as he keeps telling me) i am hoping these feelings he is having are part of the illness,and once the tablet kick in he will be ok.........

He was given CITALOPRAM today and before he was on

Old 07-13-2007, 09:19 PM   #4
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positivity17 HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

When I'm going thru a bad depression I can't be around people and I push everyone away. Partly b/c it's hell and the negativity and hopelessness cause isolation. I personally don't like to be around others when not feeling well, I don't know if I feel like a burden or what, it's just my automatic reaction to turn inward and close up. I avoid intimacy w/men b/c I don't feel whole, like a person who hasn't much to offer (even though 3 different men wanted to marry me). I just thought I'd give you some insight......your world got turned upside down and it can't be easy dealing with a depressed husband with a history. I wish you well.

Old 07-13-2007, 11:12 PM   #5
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renee37 HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

Beth, I know dealing with someones depression is so hard. Maybe he was embarrassed by his episode before and that is why he did not tell you about it. I know in the past I did not want to tell anyone that I had been depressed. Sometimes you feel like people will think differently about you, if they know. It is easier to talk about my problems on this forum because I don't actually know the people here. There are family members that I have that doesn't even know that I have a problem. They will ask me how I am doing and I will smile and tell them that I am great. I will then go home and get into my bed. Hopefully once he gets on meds. he will feel better. I know that this most be very hard for you. Our loved ones have to go through alot loving us. Sometimes they love us more than we can love ourselves. You probably never knew you would have to deal with something like this. Good Luck with your husband. I know this is very hard, just know that there are people here that care.

Old 07-14-2007, 12:02 AM   #6
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emeraldeyes114 HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........


It is so hard watching someone you love basically fall a part in front of you. You want to help but you don't know where or what is hurting them. For some people there are things so painful that it is too much to try and deal with it. It creeps up from time to time and it can really do a number on you. People don't always react with kindness to finding out a friend or relative is depressed or any of the other mental illnesses. You learn from experience in telling people that you have to be weary. And some are just embarrassed as though it is a character flaw of sorts. With the Lithium he was on before is it possible that he is Bipolar? I know for me the need to get away or leave is usually when I am stressed to the max and severely depressed and believe truly that all I am doing is hurting those I love and who love me as well. It taints everything it touches in so many ways. I think you getting the advice to seek counseling yourself is def something to consider. Depression adds stress to you and I am sure a lot of feelings and thoughts that right now have no place to go per say.

I hope he finds his way back from the pit he is in right now. I believe that with time, therapy, and medication it can get better. Don't forget to take care of you in the process. If you don't then you can't help him either in many ways.


Old 07-14-2007, 12:12 AM   #7
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Smile Re: please someone i need advise.........

sorry to hear you are having these troubles, but I wanted to just say that I can relate to why he may not have told you about his previous breakdown.
I think when you meet someone its kinda hard to just bring up a conversation, that goes like this, oh by the way when I was hospitilaized etc...(I deal with agoraphobia and mild depression,) men would run away if I told them all my troubles up front, and then because life is good you hope that depression wont seep back in or that anxiety will take over again...also men seem to have an even more difficult time admitting any type of mental illness. So dont feel as if you were betrayed , he may have needed you not to know for his own well-being.I wish you both well

Old 07-14-2007, 03:19 AM   #8
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bethanymay HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

Thankyou for all your kind words and advise.
Currantly my husband is feeling sick ALL THE TIME with the medication.Will that pass???

He is still adamant that were he away from me and the family he would be better....He seems to have this fixation that if he stays here he will never get better..............

He says as soon as he is able he will go........
Of course i get upset and although i am sure its just another symptom of this illness,its hard to take......

He is so incredibly hard and cold right now and if i try to put my arms round him he pulls away he cant bear any contact with me............. how long before he looks at things in a different light.i want so much to help him but i cant

Old 07-14-2007, 06:23 AM   #9
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

hi beth,

did anything (that you may know of, or think you may know) happen shortly or even months before your husband fell into this episode? usually there are "triggers" for depression. although with medications and therapy and a stable environment, it can be kept at bay-- a lot of the times, there are events, people, others' actions, internal thoughts/ideas, etc., that interfere in the "smooth sailing" of life... anyone would have difficulty in experiencing these things--but more so if one has a tendency toward depression.

by the way, i'm the same, as positivity and emerald have described--usually pulling away and withdrawing to the max when i fall in that "abyss," as i call it.

you're among friends here; don't worry about letting it out~
blessings to you
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

Old 07-15-2007, 05:39 AM   #10
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mycatwillow HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

Originally Posted by Dakota_Skye View Post
by the way, i'm the same, as positivity and emerald have described--usually pulling away and withdrawing to the max when i fall in that "abyss," as i call it.
Me too. This last major episode I had was the first time I've told a couple of my friends that I deal with depression. I didn't even tell my mother until a couple of years ago. I don't want to "bother" people. I even asked one of my friends if I was being too needy.

Old 07-15-2007, 08:57 AM   #11
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bethanymay HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

Thankyou once again for all your kind words........
Today he has managed to get out of bed..But he flatly refuses to go back to the doctors on wed...Nor will he attend the appointment made by the M.H team.....

I have begged and tried but he will not go!!! And of course i cant make him............

He has has today packed all his personal belongings and sorted out his paperwork and passport with a view to leaving as soon as he can,he says.................????

He has nowhere to go so he is obviously living in a fantasy world right now........... I am just worried that i will go out and he has dissappeared on my return!!!..I have taken to going out with his wallet and car keys in my bag so he dosnt just go off to god knows where!!!

Im hoping this bizarre behaviour is all part of the depression and when the drugs kick in he will return to some kind of normality.I have a 16 year old daughter who lives here with us and she is frightened by his behaviour as well,so sudden is the change and so dramatic!!??? Is it just clinical depression??? beth

Old 07-15-2007, 09:45 PM   #12
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positivity17 HB User
Re: please someone i need advise.........

"Is it just clinical depression???"
I think this is a question for the dr. Are you privy to the conversations with his dr. or is it possible to get some information to help you properly deal with the situation at hand? Has your husband said anything about suicide? Just wondering about the severity of his depression, don't mean to scare you. Everyone reacts differently to meds but some are effective after a few days so hopefully he will get some relief. Hang in there.

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