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Old 07-21-2007, 03:05 PM   #1
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Feeling Anxiety and Depression

I'm really lonely and would love to hear a voice. Wednesday my grandma died. We were not friendly, and I live far from my family. Today was the memorial. My fellow "black sheep" cousin and I decided to skip it. There would have been arguments if we were there, and it's far away. We had our own private memorial. I was OK with, but now I feel guilty. I know my mom will give me a hard time. So I did the rational thing - I took the phone off the hook.

My husband and cousin went to a convention today and won't be home until late. My husband has a concert tomorrow from 2 pm on. I knew I'd be alone this weekend and thought I'd be OK.

Aside from the guilt I was feeling OK. Now I'm tanking. I'm feeling alone and depressed. I bought some books, but don't feel like reading. I don't feel like doing anything. I want to sit and obsess about being depressed. Afraid and lonely. I turned on the TV so I'd have some noise. I'm feeling so alone and depressed. I need to hear somebody's voice. I wish there was somewhere I could go, someone I could talk to. I see my therapist Thursday (after 17 days without him). I'm so lonely and depressed. It's too early to go to bed. What should I do?

I'm so tired of being sick with depression. I miss my husband. I miss my therapist. I miss my daily routine. As much as I hate working I'm lost without my routine.

Last edited by MariaBB; 07-21-2007 at 03:13 PM.

 
Old 07-21-2007, 03:29 PM   #2
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

I'm sorry. I probably sound shallow, not caring that my grandma died. I do care. However, she suffered for 2 years. I hope she's at peace. I don't think her death is causing my current depression. Her death scares me because it made me realize death is so final. Made me wonder about my past suicide attempt. My self-injury and eating disorder. No, I don't want to die. I just want this pain to go away. People don't always understand that depression is physically painful. And crippling. Where have my hobbies and interests gone? I can't make myself do anything. I just want to sleep. To turn my life off and fast-forward through this weekend. Is anybody else suffering?

 
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Old 07-21-2007, 03:41 PM   #3
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

Hi there, when more than 1 lonely ppl connect together, it might make the situation better? I feel the same a lot lately, seeing frds leaving for holiday and I have to stuck here for my stupid job, seeing those stupid ppl everyday... I understand how you feel...

I am sorry about ur granny, but I don't want to sound so mean, but ppl do die and sometimes it's better for some ppl, so please don't get too upset, like you said, it might be a relief for her.

My doc gave me some fairly strong sleeping pills, coz without them, I could only probably get like 2 hrs sleep a night, and to be honest, I have been wanting to take them one after another, not to OD, but I mean everytime the effect of 1 pill is finish, I want another one, so I can sleep for days and no need to think about anything, so I guess we might be feeling pretty much the same... if you wanna talk or vent anything, please do...

ExTra

Last edited by ExTra111; 07-21-2007 at 04:14 PM.

 
Old 07-21-2007, 04:30 PM   #4
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

Thank you so much for your reply. I ran out and rented some videos, but don't know if I'll watch them. I just had to get out of the house. It feels so good just to hear from somebody! I've been on anti-depressants for 13 years, but they haven't worked well for the last 1.5. I also have anxiety meds, but try not to take them unless it's an emergency. The only thing I can think of sleeping. The worst part of depression is that none of your interests interest you anymore. I could stare at the wall all night, lost in my sad head. I feel so paralyzed, but I can't do anything about it. I don't feel like talking to my friends, that'd be too much work. This is my third major depression attack so far this month, all on weekends. I'll have so much to talk about with my therapist on Thursday. I didn't think I would, but I really miss him. My husband won't be home for at least 6 more hours. I don't want to take my anxiety meds or start drinking. I wish there was another way to end this pain. I'm so desparate I feel like calling my therapist's answering service, just so I can talk to somebody (even if it's just for a minute).

Do you know what triggered your current depression episode, or is it all chemical?

Last edited by MariaBB; 07-21-2007 at 04:31 PM.

 
Old 07-21-2007, 05:04 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

I don't really know what is making me depressed, we think it's a bit of everything, pressure from uni and jobs, and perhaps sth to do with my childhood, coz I lost my dad when I was 9 and also some complicated family relationship with the ppl from my dad's... I dunno, and to be honest, I dont want to know... I just wanna get better...

About watching some movies, it helps sometimes, but it doesn't most of the time... this is the only thing I seem still have a bit of interest in doing... sometimes I would just turn some DVDs on and "watch" them, but I am not actually watching, my mind would be somewhere else, but at least the time seem to be passing faster...

Frds can be annoying, can they? I have got 1 frd who I like hanging out with, coz she is kind of "crazy", so I feel really relax with her, but she is going home for the summer tomorrow, and I near cried today at the station... I couldn't believe it, she is only going for a month, you know... but I guess I have been depending on her a lot lately...

If you feel like calling your therapist, please do, or if you feel like talking more on here, please also do... do whatever you feel like doing, but please try not to drink, if you must, then maybe 1 glass or 2 is enough.... ok?

ExTra

Last edited by ExTra111; 07-21-2007 at 05:05 PM.

 
Old 07-21-2007, 05:46 PM   #6
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

Thank you ExTra. You saved me from myself tonight! I hope you can find peace from your depression and pain. Do you see a therapist? Sometimes its good to have someone on your side. I don't go to therapy to understand myself, I just go for the support. These Boards have also been a blessing. I get so caught up in my dark moods that it's hard to see around them. Tomorrow will be another day, hopefully a better one. People like you make the pain more bearable.

 
Old 07-21-2007, 06:07 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

MariaBB, you are always welcome, we are all here to support each other, ain't we?

I am not seeing a therapist at the moment, and please don't get me started on this, I am ****** off by my Psychiatrist, he is now passing me back to my GP. But I am really lucky my GP is very supportive and understanding, so it's kind of alright for now. I did some counselling before, and it was not helpful at all, but it was kind of good I could unload some stuff every week. And you are right, coming here is very very supportive... sometimes I find it's good enough to just come here and unload the stuff. Coz i have been not wanting to talk to ppl lately anyway (I know it's wrong, but I don't even talk as much as I used to a couple of months ago even when talking to my doc or my worker at the mental health team), so writing is far better sometimes...

Tomorrow... I am not looking forward to it at all, 2 frds of mine are coming, and they are really annoying, they are those ppl who can't keep their mouths shut, not even for a min... and the always end up talking a lot of rubbish... they are going to be around till Weds... HELP!!! (they are not really visiting me, but coz I live in central London, so they are staying at mine, so they can do some site-seeing...) So wht's ur plan for tomorrow then? If the weather is good, maybe going ot a park and enjoy the sun is good?? I personally never do it, but I know it helps...

 
Old 07-21-2007, 06:26 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. My hubby will be home until about 2pm, but I imagine he'll sleep late so I won't see him much. I'm going to try my hardest to keep myself distracted from depression (although I do feel so much better thanks to your communication, I'm sure the big D will come back tomorrow). Hopefully I will get to those videos I rented.

Sorry about your friends. Sometimes I really need human contact, but friends can be annoying. I sometimes feel like I have to work to find things to talk about or ways to entertain them. When depressed, it's so much work. It seems if they come over they never want to leave. I'm sorry you have people coming to stay with you. I think that would drive me nuts. Not only do you have to put up with them but you can't be depressed and cry. Hopefully we'll be back to feeling well soon.

I'm going to try to read one of the books I bought today (no it's not Harry Potter!) Thank you for keeping me company. I hope you feel better soon

 
Old 07-22-2007, 02:52 AM   #9
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

Hey, how are you today? Sorry I had to get off last night, coz it was bed time for me... coz my doc wanted me to try go to bed anf get up the same sort of time everyday... I cant really do it tho...

I sometimes feel like I have to work to find things to talk about or ways to entertain them. When depressed, it's so much work.

Very true... like the other day, my frd stayed at mine for a night, I told her right at the beginning I have to finish off my website coz it was a coursework and so I wouldn't have time for her, she would have to leave me alone... and guess what?? She did sort of sit at a corner in my room... but she just wouldn't stop talking and asking... god... I got nothing done in the end... I had a conersation with a good frd of mine the other day, we think some ppl they sometimes "expect" their frds to fullfill their wishes and they don't really think beyond themselves, we call these ppl selfish, don't we?

What's wrong with Harry Potter then? Everyone should have a copy!!! Haha, no I don't agree, I have never read a sinigle page of any Harry Potter... I dont against it, but it just doesn't interest me...

I only just got up and feel kind of alright, hope I could keep this up... hope today is a good one for you...

ExTra

 
Old 07-22-2007, 04:58 PM   #10
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

I'm doing better today, thank you. I hope your day is going well and that your visitors aren't being too much of a pain. I've been keeping myself busy by doing things around the house (cleaning), reading, etc. I don't think I will ever understand what makes my (our?) moods swing at any given moment. Seems like a very minor thing, or sometimes nothing at all that I'm aware of, can send me plumeting into the depths of depression. I can't explain why I was in so much pain yesterday but have managed to feel OK today. Not happy, but OK. And that's good enough for me. I could understand if I stopped taking my meds, but I would never do that. Too scary.

Well I hope your day was better. Lets hope we both stay well this week!

 
Old 07-22-2007, 05:21 PM   #11
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

Hihi, good that you have been able to keep urself busy today, I have spent most of my day sleeping... which is very bad, it means I cant sleep tonight, but I was feeling really anxious today, so sleeping was the only way to shut my brain down... my frds only arrived in the eve, we had dinner together, and now they have gone to bed, so now I have got a moment of quiet... keke...

Yes, depression is like a joke, one dya you might think you are fine, then you might think you are getting better, then the following day could be like a slap on a face, coz you might feel absoultely crap... it's not fun at all, is it?

Today has not been good at all, coz my mum told me somthing that could be rather scary... well... I don't feel worried at all, but my mum was kind of crying down the phone, coz she was worried... she has only just been told that Thalassaemia runs in the family, and apparently half of the family members are carriers, my cousin has been diagnosed recently, so she is worried about I might have it as well... I am not really worried at all, coz the worse case would be I might be a carrier, but it doesnt affect my health at all. Coz if I had the major thalassaemia, I probably would havd died already (ppl normally would be diagnosed before the age of 10)... I guess I am more angry that how can the members in the family keep it to themselves for years and dont even bother telling other members, THIS IS A FAMILY THING THAT PASSES THROUGH THE GENES. How can they be so selfish for years? They are now making me hate them even more than before (I have always hated them anyway.). ANyway, as soon as I heard, I just couldnt stop shaking, again, not that I am worried, but angry...

I also had a messy mood swing at my work place today, I shouted at my staff (he is kind of under me... kind of). He was making a joke ou tof me, and I just shouted at him in front of like 5 ppl and left... I feel pretty bad after... but I lost control at the moment...

Anyway, so has ur husband goen to the concert thing yet?

ExTra

 
Old 07-22-2007, 05:38 PM   #12
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

I just looked up major thalassaemia on the Web cuz I had never heard of it. I agree that it is totally selfish for your family not to disclose this - especially since it is heridatory. Many diseases are more treatable if caught early. Whether they thought you might have it or not they should have said something.

The only "diseases" that run in my family are depression and anxiety. Unfortunately for me, I seem to suffer more than my siblings. Or they are good at hiding it. My brother, sister and mom take ADs, mom uses tranquilizers too. My grandma who just died had bad anxiety. I guess we're lucky not to have thalassaemia or something like that, but as you know it sucks.

Hubby's off at his Korn concert, he left around 2 and will be out till long after I'm asleep.

Although I'm doing better today, I can't wait for the work week to start. Tomorrow night I go to my eating disorder support group. I tried a few depression support groups but didn't click. I get a lot of support at the ED group. A lot of ED sufferers also have depression and anxiety.

I would have been ready to smack my friend if she were chatting away while I was trying to do my schoolwork! It's stressful enough without someone rambling in your ear.

 
Old 07-22-2007, 06:17 PM   #13
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

Apparently my grandad (from my dad's) was the source, and my mum told me he always knew himself had some blood disorder, but he always refused any treatments and kept it as a secret. Yeah, my grandad did have a lot of things he wouldn't tell anyone, so as most members of my family... sorry, but they are the most selfish ppl, and I honestly think a couple of them might have some mental illnesses (My aunts, and one of my cousin are totally weird), and I might have well got my depression from one of them... who knows... but I guess it doesnt matter anymore...

It's really annoying, now I need to get a blood test done to see if I have got it or not, it's just annoying... and waste of time, really... what if I have it? I will be fine in our case, but it means my kids in the future would have like 25% of getting providing my partner doesnt have it... or 50% if my partner has it... anyway... I never want to have any kids anyway...

I am really sorry about your family, I sometimes think mental illnesses are far more annoying that anything else, coz there isn't much we can do about compare to physical illnesses, and sometimes it's so hard to even get help or the right treatment...

Depression and Anxiety often come hand in hand anyway, and as you said, a lot ppl who have mood disorder would have an eating problem as well... I think I have lost about 10lb. in the past couple of months... but it's kind of fine, coz I have still got a bit of fat to lose... keke... (my doc doesn't like it when I say this joke...), coz it's not a healthy way to lose weight, but I can't help it...

It's good that you have got work to do tomorrow, I properly have to "look after" my frd and her family as her family is arriving tomorrow... I don't know, I might say I am sick or something tomorrow...

Hope you ED support group thign go well tomorrow, I would never be able to do it, coz I can be very shy sometimes... I can't even express myself fully to my docs, let alone a group of "strangers"...

 
Old 07-23-2007, 09:54 AM   #14
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Re: Feeling Anxiety and Depression

Quote:
Originally Posted by MariaBB View Post
I don't go to therapy to understand myself.
Why?

 
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