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Old 08-02-2007, 11:15 AM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 351
orchardlady HB User
Thumbs down My turn to cry, kick and scream

I locked myself out of my house today. I took my shopping cart to the corner store for bread, etc. On the way home I realized I had locked myself out. May sound like a simple thing, but it was a big thing to me. My new found lack of independence is getting to me big time. I don't have any staminia, I am grossly fatigued all the time. Until five weeks ago, I could go anywhere I wanted and do what I wanted, all when I wanted.

One seizure took care of all of that. So I sat on my back porch for an hour and cried and felt sorry for myself...what a waste of time. My keys were on the dining room table. My cell phone was in my car...the one I can't drive...plugged into the cig. outlet to charge. Why? Because while I was in the hospital in June and July, my house charger got lost or misplaced. So, my cell wasn't in my purse where it normally is. I had to go to the gas station on the corner...not a nice bunch of guys...not accommodating at all, but they did allow me to use the phone to call my daughter at work.

Yes, as many of you have said of late, life is hard. It is always something, and never seems to let up. The sky seems to always be gray. It is so hard to remember that even when gray, the sun is still shining above the clouds. Yesterday I was able to get a physician (my psychiatrist) to sign my proof of disability form so that I could get registered with the county transit authority.

Like many of you, I hate life. It brings me nothing but hardship and more hardship. Nothing comes easily to me, it always comes with conditions. Hardhship after hardship, complication followed by more complication.

Sadly, I know it will always be this way...never changing.


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Old 08-02-2007, 11:23 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: US
Posts: 644
Re: My turn to cry, kick and scream

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs Carolyn)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time now. I would have never known you were going through such hard I see you on the boards offering support to so many. I'm sorry.
You've lost that sense of independence...Carolyn, that's huge! I don't see you feeling sorry for yourself...I see that your grieving. Grieving the death of what you've always known as life. What more can anyone expect of you, but to have days where the grieving is more than the day before?? I think any of us in your situation would be doing the same thing...if not more often. Life is hard...there's no doubt about it. Especially when things are so out of our control! Again, (((Hugs))) to you. I hope the rest of your day is a little easier.

Old 08-02-2007, 11:28 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,146
MariaBB HB User
Re: My turn to cry, kick and scream

Carolyn, I think you handled that horrible situation better than I would of. When you're depressed even things that others might find small can seem like major catastrophies. I hope the rest of your day goes more smoothly.

Old 08-02-2007, 03:02 PM   #4
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 351
orchardlady HB User
Re: My turn to cry, kick and scream

Marie, What else could I do...I waited to see who would arrive or if I would be sitting for a few hours. Eventually, my son in law and his visiting sister drove up and let me in. One of those lemonade times.

This is one of those times when you can tell I have been in therapy for most of the past 22 years, and before that as a teenager...about 15 yrs old. I have learned so much from therapy, but alas, I am here in this board whining just the same. My personal depression gets worse every years...up to 300 mg of Effexor now...ugh!

Putting ones feet on the floor in the a.m. and pushing through the day is about as hard as it gets.

NVD...yep, losing your independence is huge. Yes, I suppose grieving is the better word to use for that situation. My car sits, I still have to pay the car payment and insurance premium, it has brand new tires on it. I will say though that my new red grocery cart is a handy dandy thing to have. So there is a bright side. And the fact that we have a transit system in the county that caters to elderly and disabled is a good thing. All I can do is work on keeping perspective on things...but at the same time, I can still sit and cry my pitty tears just the same as everyone else...I am just as good at feeling sorry for myself as everyone else. And, yes, I do this far too much, especially at night.

As to the rest of my day, it came and went as all my isolated days do right now.

Last edited by orchardlady; 08-02-2007 at 03:03 PM.

Old 08-03-2007, 07:41 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 1,401
Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: My turn to cry, kick and scream

just want to say i empathyze with your pain! i understand. i know sometimes words don't bring any comfort. i'm truly sorry about everything. but just to know you're not alone in your feelings. and like maria said, i also believe you handled that car and phone situation better than expected. you forced yourself and did what had to be done to get yourself out of that trouble. you ARE functioning, carolyn, and that's more than many depressed people can say!!

hugs to you and God bless!!
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

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