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Old 08-04-2007, 05:52 AM   #1
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unfortunate HB User
depression?

well, i'm fairly new here, but i thought this would be a good place to vent..

i haven't been feeling well lately.
i don't know what it is. i think a lot of it has to do with my low self-esteem. i'm thinking it's BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). i'm convinced i have this, because there's no other explanation for my feelings towards my physical image. it doesn't matter how dressed up i am, how much makeup i put on, or what kind of clothes i wear, i still feel like the most horrendous looking person in the entire world. i refuse to look in mirrors unless i have to. i feel ugly and HUGE- while others say i'm "pretty". i don't buy it.

the other day, my mom said something to me that really shocked me. she said "it hurts me to see you like this, just moping around. laying around all day, sleeping. i can tell your slipping into this depression." but, i never really realized i was DEPRESSED until she said something. but i can see it. i sleep a lot. i never want to do anything. i had to start homeschooling because i couldn't force myself up in the mornings, i didn't want to see anyone.

i think a lot of it has to do with my medical conditions. i got really sad after everything just started to seem to pile up on me.
i have migraines, acid reflux, a (benign) heart murmur, insomnia, and cysts in my throat.
i will have to go back in a few months to undergo more testing to find out what is currently going on with me. i'm having mustle/joint pain, and i feel like complete "crap" all of the time. it's not fun.

i just don't know what to do anymore.
sorry for the long post. i just needed to get it out..
thanks for reading..

Last edited by unfortunate; 08-04-2007 at 06:06 AM.

 
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Old 08-04-2007, 06:16 AM   #2
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: depression?

Hi there Unfortunate!
Even though I would say you are fortunate because unlike so many of us, you DO have a mother who actually cares! So, do not forget this, because it is important!
Your medical condition will improve once you know what is really wrong with you and you will find out soon enough. It is you psychological condition that I am worried about.
Low self esteem usually comes from a not so happy childhood. Was there a sibling who got more attention, praises and love? Did you have people around you who would say mean things about yourself and your appearance, who put you down in front of others? Think about it. You must have received unkind comments and you made up your mind that those comments were right. Why did you do that? Perhaps they came from people you loved and/or respected?
So nothing anyone will ever say to you will NOW change your mind UNLESS you actually come to question their judgement. Can you think of a reason why they would put you down? Were they jealous, unkind, or fearful of other qualities you have, eg your brain, ? If you can think even of one reason then you can actually start working on improving the idea you have of yourself. Focus on something you like. eg Your eyes, your hair, your skin. If people say you are beautiful, why should they be wrong? They could be right! Start thinking like this and you are on the way to recovery and to a new self image. Besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.!
Good luck and God bless you

 
Old 08-04-2007, 06:27 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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melly3407 HB User
Re: depression?

Your pain is real and I hope you can get support and compassion here. I try never to make the mistake of comparing my situation or anyone else's to who ever is reaching out. As you know, you can have a supportive family and maybe even a happy childhood and still be in the position you are in.

I guess I just want you to know your not alone, and not matter what anyone says, your experience and pain is real and don't compare yourself, just learn from others and Count your blessings of what you have and get the deserved help you need.

Mel

 
Old 08-04-2007, 06:54 AM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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unfortunate HB User
Re: depression?

thank you both for your replies.

yes, i am very fortunate to have a mother that cares.
that is an up side to all of this, thank you for pointing that out!

i was teasted in 6th/7th grade by a few boys for being chubby/ugly.
though they called a LOT of girls that to get on their nerves, it hit me hard.
my family has always been really supportive, but my brothers used to pick on me a lot. not because of my looks, but because i missed a lot of school. with severe migraines, it was hard to sit there. and mine got so bad that i would get physically ill and start vomiting. so of course i had to go home. they would always make comments that i wouldn't make it through, so i always felt like a failure.

my family never made comments, and i had a relatively normal childhood, aside from the sicknesses.

i just look down on myself.
i believe it can only take one person to say something to you to make you change your whole outlook on yourself..
i'm trying to be positive. it's just so hard when you CANT be.
:/

 
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