I stumbled across this forum and it feels like a godsend!
I can never remember liking myself. I dont even remember ever being really happy. I remember happy times, of course...but mostly I just go through the motions. I'm not even sure where this post is going so if anyone is reading this, bear with me and I understand if no one replies!
Im 24, and I live with my boyfriend and our puppy. My dogs (I have another who lives with my parents) are the most important things to me in the whole world, except for my mum, and we have a difficult relationship. I love my boyfriend dearly but I struggle to understand why he loves me. I dont think Im worthy. Im fat, stupid and I cant even keep our house clean. I have no motivation and Im so ashamed of myself. Yet no matter how much I punish myself I still have no motivation. I suffer from insomnia in that I can get to sleep, eventually but I cannot stay asleep and struggle to get a few hours every night. The result is that I cant get up for work in the morning and I am usually late. I feel like I have no qualities. Yet I have some lovely friends who would be horrified if they knew these things about me. If they knew the true me they wouldnt want to be my friends. I struggle to understand what they see in me.
I feel like a child trapped in an adults body. I feel like a fraud, that I cant hack it in the adult world and can't look after myself. My boyfriends sister is really vile to me, always having little digs here and there, treating me like rubbish...yet all he does is make excuses for her. Its like hes under her thumb. He wont say anything to her even when she is out of line, he just claims it makes her worse. Last night she said something really below the belt and in front of other people and my boyfriend just told me she was only joking. I cant stand her and I think the feeling is mutual but I dont undertand why she needs to be so vile about it. I am willing to be civil for my boyfriends sake. I feel like its me against his family because if I try speaking up for myself when his sisters been horrible I just get accused of being over sensitive or blamed because I did something like looked at her funny or snapped at her (which I am no aware Ive done).
Tonight I cut myself for the first time in almost a year. I havent told bf because he will be angry that I didnt go to him and talk to him. But I was talking to him while I did it...trying to talk to him anyway. He said he was leaving if I didnt get the house sorted...I am trying I really am. I made a big start tonight but I cant see how Im going to be able to do it all myself. Im terrified I wont be able to get the motivation up. If he leaves I dont know what I'll do.
I dont even know if I am posting on the right board. I dont even know if Im depressed. I just know that I wish I was dead. If it wasnt for my dogs, who need me...I think I'd end it all...but I don't know if Id even have the guts coz Im so spineless. This is only a small fraction of my story. If I had to tell it all Id be here for weeks on end!
I just needed to get that off my chest so I can maybe try and get some sleep...its 3.05am as I type this. If anyones reading this then thank you very much for taking the time!
Last edited by daftcowmoo; 08-05-2007 at 08:11 PM.
Welcome to the boards.....you are among friends here!!!
I'm not sure if you suffer from depression...maybe you do, or maybe it's a temporary thing, I'm not sure. But from what I can read, it sounds like alot of what you're feeling is caused by a lack of self-confidence. I can relate to that as I have these issues myself.
When you have low self esteem, it can really hold you back from so much in life. Eating well, being active, housework, relationships - everything suffers.
I have to say I'm probably better at "giving advice" than taking it, and I probably should practice what I preach here, but here goes. First of all.....you have to feel good about yourself, start by not giving yourself such a low username, like the one you picked.
As far as your boyfriend goes, he could be contributing to these feelings. He needs to stick up for when it comes to his sister. She is his family, but that does not entitle her to be cruel to you. I am just curious - why do you "both" not clean up the house? That is just not your job, it should be a joint effort.
I always think that by eating right and being active, is the best first start to these kinds of problems. I do not say that easily whatsover let me tell you. But it's so true that when you start to feel better about the way you look, then you start to feel better about yourself. You have more energy then to do things, such as looking after your home....and you'll also develop the confidence to stand up to your bf's sister and even your bf if you need to. I know it's a tough road, but its a worthwhile journey. These problems can be solved....dont consider throwing away your life because of this. You can work on this......feel free to come here for support along the way, you can do it!!!! Please feel free to share the rest of your story if you get a chance...maybe there's more to talk about...and to learn from.
Ali, Welcome to the board. You are not alone in feeling like a child in a woman's body and sometimes life can be very overwhelming. If you have cut in the past I'm assuming there are past issues that remain unresolved so I'm wondering if you go for counseling. If not is this something you can look into to get the support you need to feel better about yourself? It will even help you to realize if you do suffer from depression. I'm sorry you're going thru a tough time right now with feeling so badly, try to find something positive if you can even if it's the dogs pulling you thru. With the housecleaning try doing one small thing at a time if you can find the energy. And please post again so we can know how you're doing. Take care!!
Hi there unhappy puppy!
I will not even dream of calling you a daft cow, as you do yourself with your nickname! So I have renamed you.
All the welcome you have received up to now is shared by me as well.
But I want to focus on two phrases you have used:"Im fat, stupid and I cant even keep our house clean".AND
"We have a difficult relationship" with my mum.
I believe that those labels you have used on yourself have first been used by people close to you, people you trusted and loved and depended on and so you have absorbed them as true, without questioning them.( Was it your mum or siblings who called you fat, stupid and incompetent, darling?)So you are going about in life fulfilling those qualities they have attributed to you, unless of course, you stop and think.
Am I really that daft and incompetent as they say? Are you? Come on, honestly now!
Don't you have qualities that You appreciate about yourself?
What about kindness and humility and good manners and a loving nature, and tender heart, which bruises easily and needs to be nurtered very carefully?
( I gathered those qualities from what you have written!!! YES, really!!!)
What about your job or any education you have got?What about any hobbies, or skills? Don't you find any good things to say about youself on these areas? What about your devotion to your Bf and your love for your mother and your pets? I know you have all these and a lot more. If only you would give yourself a moment to stop and think. If only you could find it in yourself to love yourself and forgive yourself a little. Things would look so much better!
As for your relationship with your mum, show me someone who has had a good and positive relationship with her mother and I will show you one with a good self esteem and positive outlook in life! Unfortunately mums shape us from even before we are born. So, a good start would be to understand this relationship of dependence and of usually unfulfilled expectations and NOT take any BLAME upon ourselves. After all how quilty is a child who maybe loves to draw but receives the "stupid" label because she takes her time spelling? How quilty is she if her mother cannot show love and appreciation to her child properly?
I could go on and on....
All I am saying is: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE CALLED ANY NAMES EVER AND NO ONE IS EVER AS BAD AS ONE THINKS ONE IS. Usually it is the better people who are the least appreciated...
Think about it...
We are here for you...
Wow I didnt expect to recieve so many replies. Thank you, to you all from the bottom of my heart.
My username comes from my love of cows. Its not about me. I collect everything to do with cows, soft toys, figures, mugs etc. I even have a flashing cow...it pulls its coat open and its udders vibrate. Its very funny.
Anyway, everyones kindness has really touched me and I'll admit brought tears to my eyes. Ive never been able to deal with it when people are nice to me when I feel I dont deserve it.
As with the house cleaning, my bf thinks that, as I havent cleaned all of the house once by myself since we moved in its time I did it. So hes refusing to help this time. I kinda see his point but not really to be honest.
Thaliak, you were right when you said about my family calling me fat and stupid. I am a comfort eater and put on a lot of weight, although I am not built to be slim, and my mum wont leave me alone. Im trying to lose weight and I am losing it slowly but surely and I am seeing a dietician but nothing is ever good enough for her. My brothers have called me stupid many times in the past. One of my brothers inparticular was really horrible. My siblinbgs are a lot older than I am and this brother, we will call him R, always took a unhealthy dad-like interest in me. He would read and comment on my report cards from school, if I attended an after school club like guitar lessons, or drama lessons, he was ALWAYS the group leader. I feel like Ive never been able to escape from him. I have always been really bad at math and struggled to pass. One day when I was about 14 I passed a test. Albeit it was only by a few marks but I still passed and was over the moon. My brother shot me down in flames though, he said "well it isnt a really good pass". I feel like nothing is ever god enough.
I was never allowed to spread my wings or rebel when I was growing up. I always had my sister and brothers on my case as well as my parents, who, im my opinion, were really harsh in their punishments, especially my mum. Its a running joke in my family that I had two mums and three dads, but I never found it very funny.
My mum is always giving me "advice" that I don't want or need. I cant sit down over a coffee with her like other mums and daughters do, we cant go out for lunch or shopping because we always end up arguing. She never understood the teenage problems I faced because she was nearing 38 when I was born so is really old-fashioned. Any problems I tried to talk over to her were dismissed. I would go as far to say that I was afriad of her when I was growing up. She was never violent...but her tounge could cut a diamond. Words are all she needs. Shes told me time and time again that I am a big disappointment to her and my dad, because I didnt do well in college and was thrown out for not passing anything (I will add here that I never wanted to go to college in the first place, her and my brother R forced me into it so its not suprise that I didnt do well, my heart wasnt in it), or because I didnt go on a once in a lifetime trip that I was offered in my job (I had a BAD feeling about it). My sister is the eldest and achieved hardly anything at school. She works part time in a clothes shop and has three daughters and a husband with his own business, mum is proud of her. My other brother is a self employed joiner with one son, a wife who left him and an addiction to weed. His son lives with him and his girlfriend and HER son, both adults in my nephews life arent very nice to him. My mum is proud of him. My brother R, has a degree and a well paid, high powered managers job. Naturally she is proud of him. The fact that none of the others visits my mum half as much as I do, that my other brother is always arguing with them, my sister is a weirdo who alienates herself from us and that R still owes my parents a fortune that he will never pay back counts for nothing. I have never smoked, drank too much for a while as an 18 year old, I have never been in trouble with the law, yet I cant do anything right.
My sister had a difficult relationship with my mum too when she was younger. My mum is very very stubborn and refuses to see things from other peoples point of view, she thinks she knows whats right and whats best for her children. Shes also a firm believer in TOUGH LOVE so thinks telling me I'm fat and look awful and to hold my belly in when I go out is going to make me lose weight. She cant grasp the fact that it just makes me unhappy even more and eat even more. She cant understand the fact that telling me these truths about myself will just make me go to bed and not want to come back out.
I was never liked much at school, I had a couple of friends but I was picked on a lot. I lost my virginity at the age of 17 to an older man , who should have known better. It was a blind date and he knew a friend of my family. I had never even kissed a guy before that day. What followed was a few years of drink and drunken sex, letting men use me because I felt I didnt deserve any better. Letting them use me because I felt it was the only way I could feel close to someone for a short while. I met my boyfriend and we knew each other for two years before getting together, I put him through a lot. I wasnt ready to be with someone I needed to get a f*** buddy out of my system first. But we got there in the end.
I know most of this post is just incoherent babbling. This is the way its going through my head!
I went for counselling a couple of times when I was bhout 19. I hated her. I felt like she didnt care.. She was saying things like "get a boyfriend" like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. I felt like Id be as well talking to a wall. I didnt go back after a couple of sessions.
I was getting on ok for a year or so there, a few low points but nothing like this.
I thought you would like to know that I have made a big effort with the house. Im not nearly done but there is a big difference already. He's given me till the end of August to get the house cleaned up properly or hes says hes leaving.
Thats whats keeping me moving....
Thankyou very much to everyone for your kind wordds of widsom
Hi there "unhappy puppy!"
I am glad the "daft cow" had to do with your love of cows, yet I cannot help but wonder why that is....! Personally I feel like a "silly cow"!!(sometimes!!!)
Anyway, it does not make me feel happy that I was right about your very difficult relationship at home. But, I again would like your permission to say two things:
1. Your writing skills are VERY good indeed. You have a very natural flare of not only expressing you inner thoughts and feelings but also of expressing them freely and coherently! That to me shows intellect and a cultivated inner world.... So, DO NOT let anyone ever let you down about your so called failures at school. You do not have to prove anything to anyone, EVER. You know as well as I do that there are so called educated people who cannot put two words together to save their lives and others have never even finished primary school and have such wisdom and maturity (like yours by the way) which make one wonder where on earth it all came from...!!!
2. You seem to have already clearly recognized where all this low self esteem of yours comes from and from the way you have expressed yourself and described your siblings' lives and their behaviour to you, you seem to have distanced yourself very nicely from them and their VERY ABUSIVE behaviour. So, in looking critically at the past, you have already taken more than the first step in understanding the source of your low self esteem and your I-am-good-for-nothing attitide. So it is up to you TO STOP IT AND NOT LET IT RUN YOU DOWN.
It is up to you every time someone gives you s*** TO TURN ON THE FAN AND RETURN IT TO THEM!!! Not by abusing them verbally or otherwise, but by secretly giving yourself an inward, private all- knowing smile, which will eventually make you stronger, more resilient and confident. THIS SHOULD TEACH THEM. Your recognition of the reality behind everything that has happened to you will be a very nice slap on their faces, thank very much! And the more confident you become, the less abuse and ultimatums you will tolerate from everyone and the less time you will want to waste with any of them, including your BF.
I am really looking foward to seeing you blossom, my dear puppy! You are well on the way. I have confidence in you.( Even more because you have also managed to control your urge for confort eating all by yourself. Well done)
God bless you darling
Kisses from Silly cow
Daft, I am really sorry about how your family has treated you. Sounds like they beat you down pretty good. That first counselor that you had sounds really bad. Do you think that you could try again? As children we learn how to feel good about ourselves by how our family treats us IMO. You heard some pretty destructive messages. I am sorry. The way that your family treated you wasn't right and the messages that they told you were harmful and cruel. You are not what they said that you were. Please believe this. Keep posting.
Thank you to everyone for your kind words. Especially to you Thaliak. I feel like Ive come into a community here. I feel safe here. I feel accepted for all my faults.
I have been reading a fantastic book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Its a Toltec wisdom book, not a self help book really. WEll it is kinda a sedlf help book. It teaches you how to change your thought processes. Its hard to stick to the agreements though but I am trying and have manged to stick to one of them a tiny bit.
I think everyone should read it.
Boyfriend seemed happy with my cleaning, he says that he didnt expect me to do as much at one time and I did better than he imagined. Theres still a long way to go but I feel like I might just get somewhere.
Tell me a little about you guys...I'd like to get to know you!
Ali, sorry I haven't had the chance to respond again, you sound 100% better and I'm very happy for you. I've read that book you mentioned and got a lot from it, over the years I've been able to change a lot of the messages put into my head as a child. I agree with Sannah's take on things. Parents may try to do the best that they can and leave us with alot of room for improvement. I grew up in an abusive environment and it's taken me years to finally realize that I have worth and deserve to be happy, even the fact that I can tell you this is amazing!!! Just remember that you can set your own boundaries in how much time you spend with your mother. It's also your right to answer her abusive comment with "when you say that my feelings get hurt". Keep doing your thang Ali, you sound great, keep it up!! Also, for the future counseling can help you with this growth process, somtimes we don't hit on the right therapist right away. Try to keep an open mind. Good luck!
Thaliak, I, too, got a lot from your postings -- thanks!!