Lilc, how are you doing? I assume there is a reason you asked for the phone numbers. Can you share anything with us (the board members) that we can possibly help you with as far as some feedback to you?
Wow. I had typed for 20 minutes. I was attempting "full-disclosure". Then I must have accidentally hit the wrong key-combo, and it is completely gone.
That's the second time I've completely lost the "pouring-out-of-my-heart". Guess it isn't meant to be...
I'm still here, I'm still on the edge, I'm still bound to earth by my dog's love.
I feel the worst about putting him through this, I know he feels my desperation...
It isn't fair to ask you for help. I'm grown (50 years old). I ought to have friends, family, acquaintances I can talk to. For most of my life I've been nicknamed things like "Sunshine", "Sweetie", "Angel", been considered fun and funny, smart, compassionate, caring, loving. But I no longer have one single human being I can talk to. I've cut them off, just like I've tried to shut off my feelings. That was a bad idea, but at the time it seemed like the prudent survival plan.
WORD: don't stuff it. It is ugly, it is toxic, it remains to be seen if it can be reversed.
I want to ask for help, but am not sure I can bring myself to do it. What is going to happen?
I'm so sorry to bother you. Guess I should journal so that someone might find it when I'm gone. Guess I don't, in my heart of hearts, want if to go that way..............
Lilc, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I used to be very independent and then I realized I was this way because I didn't trust anyone else to depend on them. I guess the key is to know who to trust? What's going to happen if you ask for help? You just might find it (help)?
Lilc, just pick up the phone and call!! Pour you heart out to whomever answer the phone. The person on the other end of the phone would rather listen to your story.
I put my family through an attempt at suicide in 1985, I will never forget it. Today my grandchildren keep me grounded to planet earth. The images of their parents telling them I left are too much for me to bare. The word "Why?" echos in my mind.
I thank you, so very much. I'm still here. things have stablized somewhat. Problem is, I can be going about my business and some little thing will make me do a right-angle turn over the edge again. What a lot of fun I am.
Here's part of the problem: I seem to have trouble articulating my thoughts and feelings orally, particularly over the phone. So I write. (Recently I've written some doozie documents, most I've deleted, but not all.) It's pretty frightening to go back a couple of days later and read how very angry I am.
Saw my neuro this week regarding my recent MRI results. Seems the MS has been "stablized" by the meds I've been on for two years now. This is good. The report also stated "consistent with MS". The thing is, with this disease and the relatively mild case I have, it is tough to get to full acceptance. So that "consistent with MS" statement is STILL a kick in the gut. I'm sure this fact, along with the more recent, apparently permanent symptoms I have, contribute to this whopper depression I'm fighting.
I thank you, you let me come here, even though I behave so badly. You care, I can feel that, and I am so very, very grateful.
Upgraded my wireless network today. The old equipment kept dropping me, and it was so slow. Maybe now there'll be one less frustration for me and I can stop by a bit more often, when I'm NOT at the end of my rope!
Lilc, I grew up with a self-absorbed mom who neglected (emotionally) my sisters and I. My dad was much better but he didn't really step all the way up to the plate for us because he had his own problems (anxiety, and low self-esteem to name a few that I could see). This caused a lot of problems for us. My two sisters still have major problems. I was able to turn my life around with therapy. I started therapy almost 20 years ago. Had about 20 appts on and off over 10 years as issues came up. I worked on self-worth, boundaries, meeting my own needs, social skills, my anxiety, and intimacy problems (I think that that is the whole list!). I have learned so much about myself and these issues over the past twenty years so now I come here to share and help others. I was never depressed but the issues I worked on are so common here on this board.
I have been married to a wonderful man for the last 15 years and we have 2 elementary aged girls. My husband and I also had to work out some issues over the length of our relationship. I am not close to my immediate family but I do see them. I am closer to some aunts and cousins on my dad's side, thank God. I am a stay-home mom. I have acquaitances and we have couple friends but I have never really had a close "best friend" before and I am working on this. I have realized that the relationship that I had with my mom led me to not trust women. I have really realized this and have been working on it over the last year or so.
Can't think of anything else to tell you. Ask any questions that you wish.
Sannah, you frankly sound like a great "best friend" candidate! (I have issues regarding "best friend" too, will share at a later date.)
It's pretty amazing how tough it is to "undo" things we got from our parents. My relationship with Mom was pretty bad, up until the last 6 months of her life. She's been gone 6 years and my perspective is so different now. Seeing Dad without Mom has given me much insight into where I got the bulk of my disfunction!
Have you perchance, over the course of therapy, had to deal with rage?
Sannah, that sounds so wonderful, so "alien". No anger issues. But, that's "normal", isn't it? Tell me it's really true.
That MUST be how the movie "Thelma and Louise" ended up being called a chick-buddy-road-trip flick (or something like that). Which, of course, enraged me. I guess that's an "old" movie now. But it was the most profoundly real movie I've ever seen (and I'm 50).
Doing somewhat better this week. Unfortunately, it seems my disposition is hopelessly bound to my circumstances. I've had a "victory" at work. Also, the long-awaited contract my Boss/Roommate and I have been stressing over arrived today. And my boss/roommate went home yesterday, I'm on my own (with the dogs) for a few days.
I don't know if I've explained my situation here. I live in Arizona, I work in DC. My boss, friend - more - and I started the company 4.5 years ago. We've been sharing an apartment (and virtually all of our time) working in DC. We go home to AZ every 3 weeks or so, where she has a family, I have an apartment and a (crazy) Dad. That's enough for now.
I'm rambling, guess I'll go to bed now. Just wanted to check in.
Hey Lilc, everyone is different. I didn't have anger issues but I certainly wasn't normal. I had many other issues to fix. It seems that anger is very common with many folks and I see no reason why it can't be worked through just like I worked through my different issues.
Tell me more about your views on "Thelma and Louise" please. You haven't told me enough yet for me to understand.
You sound very successful in your career. This is great! I could NEVER run a business. These are skills that are not in my pocket! We are all so different in what we can do successfully and with ease.
Can't wait for your next post. This is like unwrapping a present. I have no idea what is inside this package (you). You sound like a very complex person. These types of folks are my favorite!
The first time I saw Thelma and Louise was in a theater, an afternoon show. I remember so vividly walking out into the bright sunshine and being unable to utter a word.
Two entirely "ordinary" women having entirely common experiences (yes, including the rape thing) stepped over the line. To me it seemed to be a tiny step rather than a big leap. It seemed like they were living pretty much ON "the line", and that it took one small detail, Thelma's gun, to tip them to the other side. I have steadfastly kept as much distance between myself and guns as possible because I have no trouble understanding what Louise did.
Had the movie ended there I would have been profoundly impacted. But it goes on, and they repeatedly encounter men that, (even when confronted with the gun,) do not take them seriously. More ordinary life experiences.
It brought back an experience I'd had several years earlier. It also helped me decide to get on Prozac.
OK, enough for now, I have to go to work now!
Hope you are doing well today. As always, THANK YOU!
Lilc, that movie was so long ago (has it been 20 years!) that I could barely remember it but your description did jog my memory. So I guess what impacted you is how easy it is to step over the line and the experiences of men not taking women seriously? I remember when I was in the frame of mind when I could see how easily it would be to step over the line of sanity. I have stepped way back from that line now and I am not even close to it. Please share more on this if you want. Seems like there is more to hear here.
Yes, you understand exactly what I said. And, based on your statement that you have moved way back from that line, I think you understand the sort of "continuum of emotional health" I seem to have in my head! This is nice, I can't recall feeling so understood before.
This might be another example: I am considered a "nice", "polite" person. Not confrontational. (aka, "Minnesota Nice".) On occasion, however, when someone else's behaviour seems to me to be outrageously rude, I will snap. One time, at a restaraunt with a friend and her teenaged daughter, the service was bad, then worse, then worse still, and the waitress NOR the manager ever uttered the words, "we appologize". An hour into the dining experience, I snapped. The teenaged daughter later told her mother, "I've never heard so many F-words. Even Eminem doesn't say the F-word that much."
The problem is, once "the line" is crossed it is SO MUCH HARDER to get back to the other side...it's like an oil spill, I can't ever clean up all the ill will.