i am disabled and have had many bouts of depression over the years. my latest problem is my husband of 37 yrs.
some history.....he retired from a 37 yr job that he worked at 8-16 hrs a day and 6-7 days a wk. when he retired we moved from new england to florida to try to better my health. when he retired and we moved 3 yrs ago, he made the statement that all he wanted to do was "nothing". well, he meant exactly that!
he is not in very good health, high bp, chol, trigl, diabetic, which is another reason i am so concerned and upset. his day consists of moving around to 3 different rooms and tv's, sitting in recliner, lying in bed, and lying on the couch. he even hired someone to cut our grass!
we come back to new eng. for 3 mos. every summer to see family, now he is saying he does'nt want to do that anymore.
he has been pulling me down with him since his retirement! my well being cannot take anymore!
i am hoping to find folks on this board that are going thru something like this, either yourself or spouses.
i have done everything from talk, yell, cry, nothing changes. he just says he's not depressed, he's lazy!
please, i need help badly....bevann
i am on alot of different boards on here and this is the first one i have not gotten any replies on. i don't understand, i have been depressed and on meds for over 25 yrs now due to health problems. hubby has not moved his a-- in over 3 yrs, making me more depressed than ever, and noone wants to talk to me? i don't understand, this being a "depression board"?
Hi there! I'm responding because I have asked a few questions lately on several differnet boards for which I am desperate for info and have not gotten any answers, so I know how you feel! LOL...
That said, I'm not just responding to say hi, because I can see you really want some help. Now, I'm nowhere near retirement age (even if I have been out of work for over a year due to illness). I'm 33, so I cannot speak from experience, but I do know that my former boss, a wonderful man who was very energetic and involved in a lot of things, suffered from depression after his retirement. (I only know this because he was a friend of the family. It was not like it was widely publicized). Anyway, if you do some web searches you will most likely find some helpful articles, but it looks like sometimes retirement can lead to depression, whether mild or not. It's a very big life change.
One of the many viscious cycles of depression is that it makes you not want to do anything, and then you don't do anything and then you feel worse.
Now it's possible he really does just not want to do anything, but I find that's rarely the case in individuals who do not have some degree of depression. But you didn't say, other than his job, where he appeared to work long hours and where he seemingly spent the majority of his adult life, did he have hobbies, things he enjoyed, places he liked to go, and now he doesn't want to do those things or go to those places? If he really did just go to work and come home for 37 years, it could be that he doesn't know what to do outside of those things.
If he's depressed and not willing to address it, that's a tough one, and I'm very sorry if that's the case. My mother is in her 60s, has been depressed all her life, with social phobia and many signs of borderline personality disorder, and she has never gotten treatment and only gets worse. (Not that her case is anything like your husband, but I do know it's difficult to convince someone who does not think they are depressed to seek treatment that could change and dramatically improve their life).
I hope some of this helps and makes sense!
thankyou so much for responding to me! hubby did have 2 hobbies he enjoyed, vegetable gardening and boating/fishing. he was never one that liked to go out to eat, movies, just for a nice drive etc. i always thought it was because he was to tired from working to much. he gave up his boat after 25 yrs. because he said he was working to much to enjoy it. he gave up gardening when we moved to fla. he has planted a couple of tomato plants each yr., but never took care of them.
i feel so at a loss of what to do, how to handle this. i still love him after 40 yrs. together, i just don't like him at all anymore!
you said you were looking for answers to a problem also? i am here if there is anything i can help you with......bevann
Bevann, a lot of people look forward to retirement and then after a while find its not that dream they were looking forward to! I think its certainly possible he's depressed but may not even know how to express it. I would maybe see about suggestingi fun stuff like gardening or whatever he likes to see if you can light some spark there. Does he still show feelings towards you. You seem to care very much.
yes, i constantly am asking him to do things. when his mom and sis came down for 5 days in april, i warned him ahead of time he would be doing some activities. he did go out to eat one nite and to fireworks another(complaining that the bench he sat on was killing him thru the whole show). when my family visits, he does'nt come along and is relieved i have someone to do something with.
yes, he still gives me attention and is good to me. i just had another serious talk with him this wk. i gave him the list of depression symtoms, only then did he admit he probably was depressed. he talked about maybe looking into fishing at a pier. i think it was to shut me up, but i will be reminding him of it when we get back to fla.
myself, i have been on different depression meds over the yrs., currently taking prozac. he has a doc appt. in sept. that i would like to see him get on meds then. has anyone had his symtoms and taken something that really worked? if so, please let me know.
hope you all on here are doing well....bevann
Another thought, I may just be thinking this based on my own experience, but how has he been feeling? I know people probably see me sometimes as lazy, unmotivated, etc, but I have been struggling with illness for a few years. Right now they're calling it cfs and fibro, but I'm still undergoing lots of testing. I'm so fatigued and so embarrassed and frustrated about my inability to move well or think straight that I sometimes don't even have the energy to make a phone call to a friend.
Just another thought. You might want to try to find out if he's feeling tired or achey or just doesn't want to do anything.
When people have bad health, they don't feel good. With such little physical activity, how can he feel good? I'm in the habit of exercise; one time I decided what the heck, take a week off from exercise. Well, by day 3 I felt so crappy, lazy, irritated, achy and stiff I couldn't believe it. But then again, my body was used to regular exercise so maybe my reaction was a bit different than an average person. The next week I couldn't wait to get back to it. I decided screw the exercise vacations. Now, as long as I don't have severe symptoms like fever or throwing up, I exercise right through illness too. It's harder and I don't do as much, but I seem to feel better for doing so.
I can't imagine how someone would feel after 3 years of no physical activity, like some sort of hellish limbo where even breathing is a task?
Lazy? Maybe at first because of overwork, but by now it is probably a unhealthy fatigued body that doesn't want to move! I bet it's mostly his body that simply has weakened down and thus anything can become a huge chore, even enjoyable activities.
I would almost bet my bottom dollar that your husband isn't lazy. i'm not some guy coming to his rescue but rather a guy who has the same problem. You know if only women would take the time to know just one thing about men...ready? TESTOSTERONE...I'll bet if he gets his levels checked.he is really low. TESTOSTERONE, is what makes men, men! I have been getting
TESTOSTERONE shots all summer now. What a difference!
Here's another little hint...If woman could figure out a way to drop a pill with
TESTOSTERONE in their mans cup of coffee in the morning...you would never need to visit another makeup counter, buy another pretty dress or for that matter even comb your hair...it's not your looks that drives men..it's TESTOSTERONE. It's what makes men want to build things, work on cars, and chase their wives around the house. But don't take my word for it...you obviously have a computer...do a search for "LOW TESTOSTERONE" and you'll see what I mean...Good luck