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Old 08-09-2007, 09:32 AM   #1
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How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Hi everyone,

I've been battling this problem for a long time and it seems to me that it's just draggin' on and making things worst everyday that goes by.

I came to realization that my life has become the way it has because I, somehow, resorted to negative thinking in my life. For the past few years, I've been surrounded by negativity and absorbed most of it. My thoughts are not in tune with what I want, I sabotage myself and have been assuming that people have and always will have a reason to think negatively of me. I have bad self esteem and I find myself demovitaved to do most things I was once motivated to do on my own.

It started about 3 years ago. Things were not too good for me. I had a few friends that I was talking to and a lot of them turn out to be lying to me about something or another or just betray me in different ways (stealing money, bulluying (the adult kind!). What really dropped the ball for me is when I when through financial instability because of some personal problems I was going through (mostly illness that could not be diagnosed by a doctor, hence, convincing people that nothing was wrong with me and that I was just faking it), people just started to go away and never call one by one. I told myself, they were not friends to begin with so I let it go. But now, I find myself completely alone. I haven't had contact with another human being, except for my ex-boyfriend (who still lives with me for financial reasons at the moment) in almost 2 years. All the conversations I have are with government officials or health care workers, two set of people who have been contributing to making me feel like i wasn't worthy of listening to.

I now realize that I shouldn't have let all this stuff get to me, but the truth now is that i have let it and it's gotten to a point where it's very bad. I absolutely no one to talk to and everyone that used to know me think very little of me. I'm being judged by what I am today and not the good person I once was, and that hurt, because I never wanted to be this depressed negative person who drives everyone away. I never wanted to be a complainer and someone who just dwells on her misery. But I made my bed where now, that's what everybody thinks of me, even if they know little about me.

I know I have to start being more positive and chase off that negative energy. I've been trying and trying and trying and it's like i keep defeating myself because I get frustrated over being alone. What frustrates me the most is that my ex, who is a sex addict and had sex with other people during our relationship is getting all the help and support that he doesn't even ask for. He doesn't want to be help but yet, he has people who are willing to do it, including myself. I get frustrated when I realize that I have to deal with all this hurt and baggage alone, as if I was the cause of his faults. It's hard to watch someone who has been hurting continuously just go on about life and there's fine, while I am still wondering how I'm going to be to work through this to have a normal life again. I don't know how to start being more positive when I absolutely no one around me who even wish me good. I want to believe that I am good person and that I have good qualities and can be whatever I want to be, but everytime I think about what I've done to myself and how I became so negative, i ask myself "am I really a person worthy of being around people and being happy?" If I do all that self positive talk and try to meditate, I can't help but think that things are the way they are for me for a reason and that's because I screwed up more than too many times. I don't want to dwell on it, but truly, I can't just tell myself good positive thoughts when in reality they are lies and nothing in my life is reflecting that type of positivity.

I've been trying to read articles and tips on how to be more positive. In what I came accross, I saw articles who were directed at people who wanted to know how to deal with negative persons. All these articles where saying "Stay Away from that person; don't spend too much time with them; ignore them; run away as fast as you can; don't be around them because all they will want to do is bring you down.....
That gives me little faith that this attitude from people is going to give me a chance to be a more positive person. I became depressed because I was alone. How is everybody avoiding me and running away from me going to help me. How is being ignore going to make me feel that I am worthy person?

There were also other articles that I read about how to become positive, and they just keep saying the same thing: Think positive. Think positive. When you have a negative thought, replace it by a positive one...bla bla bla.

I know I'm going about it the wrong way and it frustrates me because I know I don't even have anyone for guidance on this. Other people can afford to pay to get help, but (not that I'm being negative) I would have to pay hundreds of dollars, which I don't have for the moment. My ex was able to get help for free for his addiction and his other passive-aggressive issues, but unless I prove to someone that I have some type of craziness going on in my head, I am not eligible for any assistance. Otherwise, right now, I just gotta be on my own and deal. No family, no one with my best interest in mind, just myself and myself that's suppose to make me believe that I am worthy of something (after most have just given up).

I am not trying to complain or whine. I just want help. I feel that everytime I ask, it makes it worst, because people see it as complaining. But all I ever wanted was some help, and because I've never been able to obtain enough money (I'm sick and no diagnosis, so if I go to work and don't have a doctor's explanation for it, I lose my job, which has happened more than enough times).

How do I get out of this? Is there still a chance I can fix things. I've tried so many things. I'm so confused. i would be so grateful to anyone who could help me or just email me once in a while.

thanks to all for reading,

VQ
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Old 08-09-2007, 10:08 AM   #2
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VoodooQueen View Post
For the past few years, I've been surrounded by negativity and absorbed most of it. My thoughts are not in tune with what I want, I sabotage myself and have been assuming that people have and always will have a reason to think negatively of me. I have bad self esteem

illness that could not be diagnosed by a doctor, hence, convincing people that nothing was wrong with me and that I was just faking it

All the conversations I have are with government officials or health care workers, two set of people who have been contributing to making me feel like i wasn't worthy of listening to.

everyone that used to know me think very little of me.

he has people who are willing to do it, including myself. I get frustrated when I realize that I have to deal with all this hurt and baggage alone, as if I was the cause of his faults.

I want to believe that I am good person and that I have good qualities and can be whatever I want to be, but everytime I think about what I've done to myself and how I became so negative, i ask myself "am I really a person worthy of being around people and being happy?"

I can't help but think that things are the way they are for me for a reason and that's because I screwed up more than too many times.
Hi VQ, you have summed up your situation quite well and understand all of the contributing factors. We do get affected by our environment as you have explained. We can also become in charge of ourselves so that we can then choose if and how our environment will affect us. This really can be done. I read a long time ago if you want to be a different person just start acting like that person and you will become her (I personally believe "that person" is just who you really are but have been unable to be).

Do you think that you might be being a little co-dependent with your ex bf?

Please stop blaming yourself because of where you are today. IMO you were just reacting to your environment with the skills that you were taught as a child and beyond. You never chose any of this. You are not to blame for how you developed.

Last edited by Sannah; 08-09-2007 at 10:09 AM.

 
Old 08-09-2007, 11:13 AM   #3
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Hi VQ, you have summed up your situation quite well and understand all of the contributing factors. We do get affected by our environment as you have explained. We can also become in charge of ourselves so that we can then choose if and how our environment will affect us. This really can be done. I read a long time ago if you want to be a different person just start acting like that person and you will become her (I personally believe "that person" is just who you really are but have been unable to be).

Do you think that you might be being a little co-dependent with your ex bf?

Please stop blaming yourself because of where you are today. IMO you were just reacting to your environment with the skills that you were taught as a child and beyond. You never chose any of this. You are not to blame for how you developed.
Thanks for your response. I understand that I shouldn't beat myself up. But if I don't blame myself, I certainly can't blame somebody else. I can't even blame my ex. I just had to leave if it was making me unhappy. But I stayed with him and no one forced me to.

See, at times, when I try to reflect and reason about everything in a whole, I do realize that my environment and surrounding is no where near positive. I know the people that used to be around me where just around for good times and money that I had back then. But who's to blame for that? If not me, who? If I don't blame myself, how am I going to be aware that something needs to change in me? Looking for explanations as to how others have contributed to my state today has just made things worst. I can't control other people, I can't make them feel good about me, I can't make them appreciate me or love me? So, in my little head of weird logics, it only seems like I am the problem. If I wasn't such negative person and if i was in control of my health and my life, then maybe people wouldn't need to run away from me. Maybe they would find a reason to still excuse how I am because I do have something good to offer to the world.......

And of all things, I don't even know what I can bring to the world anymore. I am infertile, so can't look forward to kids, have no money, so no looking forward to adoption or other means, i am incapable of following my dreams because i'm being held by a string by the health care system and while this is happening, i'm suppose to just sit home and wait for someone to care. If i try to get a job, I lose it because my doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me. What I always wanted to contribute to the world was healing and good health. I've only been dreaming of becoming a naturopath for so many years now, even thought, I could do herbalism to start with. These are the things that saved my life when i could afford them, nothing else, and i always thought i could help people better their lives and offer them the care they really need. But the time commitment and the resources needed to even be able to start studying that, I have all lost over the years. I hate the things I used to do for a living. I'd rather be on welfare than take another customer service call and be treated like i'm brainless robot. A lot of my so-called previous friends let me down because i could have had a "career" in things that I don't care about, are trivial to me and doesn't make me feel like i'm doing anything for anyone. You know, I was in school and I just wanted to earn money, so I got this job and now, it suppose to be my life's work, my career and my devotion. I never wanted to be part of this type of work, but because i've let "opportunities" pass me (which I didn't consider them to be opportunities because they were things that were keeping me far from my goals and dreams), people got upset and judged that I just didn't want what was good for me. The moment I talk about what I truly want to do, people sigh, roll their eyes, as if I was telling them I wanted to travel to the moon. They tell me "nobody gets to do what they want to do", so I shouldn't either. If I go see people who are suppose to be trained to help me in my process, it always fails because I feel that really, they're just doing a job, and not really trying to help me. They don't have my best interest in mind and it's not that I expect that from a counsellor, but I wish someone did and someone would agree that there are creative ways to achieve certain things. From the moment I say I have no money, no job and no health, the conclusion is that i'm just sh** outta luck and nothing can be done. I've tried addressing every single one of these things (money, work, health) by myself, but to no success, because i know i keep doing it the wrong way.

For the past year or so, I've been saying to myself, "I wish there was someone I could just have a conversation with and talk about things that can be done and be proactive about it. I wish I had a friend or someone from my family who would be willing to talk to me for 15 minutes about options, options that maybe I didn't think of or knew about. People think I'm so smart and resourceful, they always believe I'll figure it out. Now that it's been 3 years in this situation and I still haven't figured it out on my own, people have left me to it and I even feel like some resent me for not knowing any better and not being the "smart" person that I always was.

Sometimes, I think people don't even realize that it doesn't always have to be a matter of intelligence. And since I'm intelligent, I'm really not allowed to fail. When I failed, people got mad and upset and decided I was a bad person.



People think that helping you with something you don't want is helpful. People think that because you're worst off then them, whatever they discard for themselves, it's good enough for you.

Lastly Shanna, you said "This really can be done. I read a long time ago if you want to be a different person just start acting like that person and you will become her (I personally believe "that person" is just who you really are but have been unable to be"

I don't know if you could answer this but, What if you've been counteracting negativity for so long, you just don't remember who you used to be (which in my case, I think that last time I was "myself" was before I could speak and form words). I tried being a positive person, acting like one and it wasn't me. Not that the positivity wasn't me, but the "person" I was did not align with what I am about. It transpired through me and it created even more damage. I also did a clean up in my life and eliminated all negative people, but only to end up with more negativity around me. I was feeling lonely and just wanted to have conversations with other human beings (kinda like now) and, well, I did and none of them even have a job (neither do I,but at least, I wish I had one, unlike most people around me). They got problems and say they don't have time to be sucked into other people's negativity, but yet, I always find myself listening to their problems and being afraid of talking about mine because that would make me negative and these people won't stick around to o long. So how do I do that? Do I just pick a personality and start being that? Won't mmy true personality always end betraying me in the end?

Sorry if I have so many questions. As you can see, I don't know how to do this and my so called intelligence has not paid off in that area. LoL. Getting A's through doesn't mean anything about knowing how to deal with life. I wish more people would realize that.

Thanks

VQ
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Old 08-09-2007, 11:15 AM   #4
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Oh gosh, I'm just realizing how long I wrote. Sorry guys, I'll try to keep it short on the coming responses!!!
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Old 08-09-2007, 01:21 PM   #5
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

VQ, keep posting, you will sort this out! Why does anyone need to be blamed? What purpose does blaming serve? Realize what part you served in your situation and make the needed changes..... Do you feel that people have to be punished? If so, did this come from your parents?

You are right, you cannot control others, only yourself.

Do you feel that others have to validate your dreams? I wouldn't go there especially if you are around a lot of negative people. I would suggest being in control of your own dream and finding/using assistance when available.

Who got upset with you about your "failures". You know, I hate that word. I don't even use it. I think of it as something that didn't work out so now I have to change my plan and try something different, etc.

When you say that you were trying to be a different person I don't think that you were really being you. Maybe you were being what you thought others wanted?

Last edited by Sannah; 08-09-2007 at 01:21 PM.

 
Old 08-10-2007, 02:41 AM   #6
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

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Originally Posted by VoodooQueen View Post

There were also other articles that I read about how to become positive, and they just keep saying the same thing: Think positive. Think positive. When you have a negative thought, replace it by a positive one...bla bla bla.
VQ
Hey VQ, I have a lot to say to you! First off, you are way, way too hard on yourself. You did not cause depression and have no control over whether you have it or not. Having said that, there is something you can do about it and you have already started! The first step is awareness b/c without it you don't even know that there is a problem.....you seem to have a good idea about your situation. Secondly, negativitiy is a symptom of depression as it is also learned behavior. This means that sometimes you may not be aware of it, nor be able to get a handle on it, and that other times you have the capability to work on it. You simply start working on yourself! And what you can do is in your quote above, when you notice a negative thought replace it with a positive one, after a while your thoughts will start to be more positive. You keep doing this even though you will forget at times, just keep at it.

I know that works b/c that's something I've been doing for the last couple of years, all my thoughts used to be so f'in negative, believe me it's not easy but you have the passion in you to do this. From all the writing you've done it's apparent that you are ready to work on yourself. Well, you have to start somewhere. Now, it is very helpful to go to counseling, I strongly urge you to look into any kind of therapy whether it's sliding scale or even pro bono. Believe it or not, there are plenty of therapists out there that do care, just the same as there are plenty out there that may just be doing their job as you say.

Another thing I'd like for you to know is that you deserve happiness, that you are worthy and that you can find ways to help manage depression better whether it be posting on here and airing your feelings or getting proper meds to gain a balance. I've had a lot of frustration over the years dealing with dr.s, especially psychiatrists, it takes a lot of perserverence at times to keep going.

You can't change the past but you can work on your future! Instead of looking for who or what is to blame, think of all of it as experience. You realized that certain people were not true friends. Most people who don't suffer with depression have no idea or understanding of it in which unfair judgement calls are made. Look to those that are open minded in the future, this is a great forum to gain support, and everyone needs someone!! You definitely have no problem expressing yourself and those bad feelings you experience, you're already ahead of the game, keep doing this.

You know how I can tell you all this? Because in this last year I went thru hell, probably one of the most difficult years ever and what I came out with is hope. Without hope you're like a drowning man, if you reach out to others, even if it's just on here, you will get some hope yourself. You're not alone, VQ, and I want to pass some of my hope on to you so that you can pass it on to someone else. You want more control of your life? Start making small changes, take baby steps and be patient with yourself. You can do it!! I have faith in you.....

 
Old 08-10-2007, 08:43 AM   #7
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

you have a lot on your plate and you seem to blame yourself. it is not your fault how other people have hurt and betrayed you. You seem to carry all that pain around. You have every right to feel the way you do and it must hurt when you can't get the help you need or when someone says "your faking". I say to that "why the hell would we fake something like this"?

Anyway i have a few suggestions for you that have helped me. Start seeing a therapist that specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and then ask about going to a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group. Both of these tactics teach us how to think different. I believe it will help you with your negative thinking.

mel

Last edited by moderator2; 08-10-2007 at 10:31 AM.

 
Old 08-11-2007, 10:40 AM   #8
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Thank you all for your great responses. I actually didn't think I was gonna get any. It's true that I am hard on myself and that i blame myself. I've been dealing with this problem since I was a teenager. Going between periods of "depression" and constantly being on an emotional roller coaster. I am not, in anyway, wanting to offend anyone who's been diagnosed with depression and is suffering because of it. I know what it's like to be in that state and my heart really goes to anyone going through the same things I do.

Here's my opinion on two things though: 1) I do not believe that there is such "disease" or "disorder" such as Depression. What I like to call it is a state. Why? For 1, you can't be born with depression. It is like one of the poster said, a learned "skill" and can be acquired through environment and teachings. Now, apart from this, depression can also arise as a result of a secondary symptom to something else that is going on in your body. Hormones play a big part of it. The state of your liver and the quality of your blood is another I believe alters your mood. And food is the true devil in the blue dress. Most people think that because you eat something and it doesn't poison or kill you right away, it's safe for you to eat continually. Through changing my diet over the years and becoming vegetarian, I was able to see changes happening with me. I could only see this by eliminating it from my life and seeing the difference. I can now say that at the very least, 80% of what's on grocery shelves are things that will alter your body, the way it runs, your mood and give turn to diseases. If I went to the doctors (which I have spent over 10 years doing, until I decided to take care of matters myself), they would have never pointed out to me that 1) I was toxic from all the medications THEY were prescribing and 2) my diet over the years have resulted in accumulations of different types of defiencies and excesses. No doctors have ever pointed those things to me. Why, because I went to their office saying "i'm depressed" (something that was a result of a big pile up of physiological problems) and that's all they needed to hear. I fit the profile and give them the diagnosis myself. All they have to do is go along with that right?
Next thing I know, i'm on anti depressants, i'm being told i can't work, someone else decides on my behalf what I can and cannot do (as in, "she can't get a job because of her health", "we can't rent you an apartment cuz you don't have a job", "sorry, you can't have this job if you don't have a stable home".....). It took me becoming homeless to realize that doctors were never going to make an effort at figuring out what's really wrong with me, because, out of my own ignorance, one day, i've called myself depressed and now, no one wants to be believe that it was a mistake and something else is wrong.

And I do believe it's true for everyone experiencing depression. I know for some people, it's very very bad. But really, it can all be rooted from psychological trauma and baggage; and things that are so messed up within your body, it doesn't produce what it needs for you to think straight.

So depression is just a big hoax for me. The moment I go for help under that "diagnosis", that when there's absolutely no progress. That's when people stop looking further because they think it's one of the difficult "diseases" to overcome due to all its complexities. The only complexity in the all approach to depression is making someone believe that they are not responsible for what has happened to them, wether it was intentional or not. And in most cases, it wasn't. That I believe. People walk into their own grave without knowing what their grave look like. That's complex to me. If you don't know something, how are you going to be able to stop yourself and say "no, i should do that, or i'll pay for it later".

I refuse to say that I have no part into my depression and it just happened to me. Even if it just happened to me, let's say, because I was born with a Vitamin b6 deficiency from birth for some reason, and now I'm deeply depressed. I don't believe calling myself depressed, going to doctors who believe there is no true underlying reason for it, that's just dooming myself and leaving it to those who have no faith in me as a human being. Period.

Now whatever happened to, you are master of your destiny and you are what you project and you attrack things in your life that are part of your thoughts and your way of viewing things? How can I call myself depressed and say it's not my faut and know that the truth is, I am my own creator of my reality. And depressed people know that notion more than anybody else, we're just not aware of it. When we have a good day, we just say, that we had a good day. We don't tell ourselves, "I made my day good today and that's why it's better". We don't acknowledge the little tiny things we do different that day that just changes the whole vibe and energy that surrounds. We don't! We just say, well, that HAPPENED and it MADE me happy. The day after that, we have a ****** day because we wait for something good to happen, not realizing that we have to make something good happen in order to enjoy that day. So we wait, and it never comes, and we go back to our rut.

That's complex to me! That's a bloody vicious circle of not acknowleddging that WE are responsible for OUR state of being.

Yes, I do believe that a good psychotherapist will help, because I need to strenghten those notions and learn the appropriate means of making things happen for myself. Unfortunately, doing my own research over several years as only got me so far as realizing I need a lot of money to see someone like this. Therapists here, for me, in Ontario, cost about $150-200/session. No insurance coverage of any sort. So I have to find my own means of helpping myself until I finish school and can earn money to get help. That's good ol' capitalism for you and i'm just a citizen who has to play by the rules. I know I have to reach a certain social level to even have access to these things one day. So as much as the therapist is the answer to everything, it's not the answer the resources i currently have can pay for. I know I am master of myself and my world, my fate and my state of being, I just don't know how to handle that mastery. I've mastered how to live my life negatively and created an environment for myself out of fear and lack of self esteem. How can I say I'm not responsible for what is happening and can't blame myself? I can understand that Blaming per say, is maybe not the way to go about it. But at this point, I'm coming to some kind of awareness and I am aware I did this to myself. So I'm upset at myself for doing all the wrong things thinking I was doing right things. I'm upset I didn't know anybetter. I'm frustrated that I wanted one thing and got the complete opposite. Maybe I need to turn that frustration and blame for myself into something more productive, but I don't know what that is and that's what I'm looking for? I don't know how to not be upset at myself for not surrounding myself with the right people, and not choosing the right career path and not taking care of my health and smoking and being in bad relationships. Who else did that? No one but me. So what I truly want to know is, when you've lived your life falsely and you're now upset at what you just found out about yourself, how do you forgive yourself? How do you live life knowing that you're doing something different than before? What is it that I need to do different? What do I do with all that anger that I've let take over me for the past 2 years? How do I project myself as someone with confidence and positivity in her and share a good enerygy around me if I know I'm a person thats so negative that I've destroyed the first part of my life that way?

Let's reason on that! I really wanna to read what other people's views are on this matter!

Love,
VQ
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Last edited by VoodooQueen; 08-11-2007 at 10:47 AM. Reason: word correction

 
Old 08-11-2007, 04:08 PM   #9
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

I disagree. Depression and other mental illnesses are infact illnesses just as diabetes or heart disease. They are biologically based and therefore need to be treated like an illness, not a "state". I have Bipolar Disorder and I have seen PET Scan images of my brain compared to a healthy person. It's very real.

 
Old 08-11-2007, 04:26 PM   #10
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Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

VQ, Sounds to me like first it's necessary to reach a level of acceptance for the past which writing about is good, tossing around thoughts & feelings. I think you know it's to your benefit to be okay with your past to move on, simply stated, you learn from your mistakes. Look at your past behavior's, situations you put yourself in, and what your attitude is like today. A good idea is to "fake it till you make it", just act "as if" you are positive and after a while when it feels comfortable it will become a reality.

As for your whole theory on depression, I do agree that people often have some control over their lives, however, depression can sometimes be a chemical imbalance and that is not controllable. I changed my diet a few years ago and while it helped me feel great, it didn't take away my depression. While behavior is learned, some people are born with a propensity for depression (or alcoholism) and how it plays out depends on their environment. I'm not sure but I think it's apparent that those that experience abuse as children often end up with mental illness and/or alcoholism.

Anyway, that's my thought, I've got to run. But after reading your post it seems like you think you caused your life to turn out as it did, did you really have that much control over it?

 
Old 08-13-2007, 08:00 AM   #11
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Hi VQ, you are a deep thinker! I am sure that you have many other positive qualities too! This victim/blame/responsibility argument is a very good one. Victims don't get better because victims don't take control of their lives BUT whatever got that person to the point of being victim was not in their hands. We are born knowing nothing. We learn everything from our environments. If we are taught poor role modeling, coping skills, social skills, problems solving skills and if our feelings in response to our environment cause us trouble today we did not cause this. How can a five year old cause her dysfunction? She is a victim because children are very helpless and at the mercy of the adults. This changes when you become an adult. You then must take responsibility, learn about what happened to you, educate yourself, help yourself etc, BUT you need the correct environment to do this. You must have access to ANSWERS and FUNCTIONAL PEOPLE. Without these you cannot HELP YOURSELF IMO. Sounds to me like you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF. I think that you are more angry with yourself than anyone else or anything? Keep posting.

 
Old 08-13-2007, 03:22 PM   #12
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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VoodooQueen HB User
Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
...... You then must take responsibility, learn about what happened to you, educate yourself, help yourself etc, BUT you need the correct environment to do this. You must have access to ANSWERS and FUNCTIONAL PEOPLE. Without these you cannot HELP YOURSELF IMO. Sounds to me like you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF. I think that you are more angry with yourself than anyone else or anything? Keep posting.
Not to disregard the other part of your post, which I do agree with. What caught my attention is what I quoted. I've always known that my environment was bad for me. This environment includes: my parents, my sisters, my ex-boyfriend and his family. This is who I was left with because I cleaned up anybody else that was negative around me. I haven't been in touch with my mother is over 4 months. I've stayed away from my sisters because they both just got themselves back to a normal point in their lives. My boyfriend is a chronic passive agressive, sexual addict, self-destructing user and opportunist. His family doesn't understand why I don't tolerate him.

Then there's me.

I haven't had a conversation, even on the phone, with another human being with no self-defeating or victimizing mentality in years. I don't know such person and now that i'm mind contaminated and I've learned to resemble people around me so I can be accepted, by somebody, then no matter how wrong my attitude and personality is, changing gets frustrating through everyminute I try to do it. I hate doing this alone. I feel I won't get anywhere by myself. I've wasted the past 7 years trying to make it alone. I couldn't have done better to prove to myself that I couldn't make it by myself. I've become that person that everybody hates, that everyone gets warned to stay away from. I just want to learn how to be with people, but I really just feel like I was trapped in a wild zoo and I have no clue how to be civil anymore. All I have left is tears and anger. I'm trying to find a way to be positive and I can't find nothing to be positive about. I can't have a career because I can't be diagnose for my menstrual disorders. I can't have children because my disorders have already taken that away. I spent the frist 25 years of my life looking forward to a career and children. I really don't know what else there is. What's a woman to be when she's just good for welfare and can't have a family. I swear, I've only been searching and looking for something the uplift myself, but I dig in my head and find nothing. Then I get frustrated and angry. Then I feel sorry for myself. Then I get mad at myself for sitting there and being uncapable of getting a grip. I just go in circles... and I'm just tired of myself and this whole dance I do.

Thank you Shannah for taking the time to respond. I'm grateful for the dialog. Thank you.
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VoodooQueen

 
Old 08-14-2007, 06:18 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: How to be positve when there's nothing positive to look forward to?

Dearest VQ, keep coming here then - we are positive! Also, focusing on what you lack (family, career, etc.) would bring you down. I am an advocate of focusing on your strengths not your weaknesses.

 
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