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Old 08-09-2007, 12:02 PM   #1
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karen51 HB User
Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

I have had depression off and on since age 15. Just since I turned fifty, it seemed to really rear its ugly head. I have been unable to work in my career of 21 plus years and been in the hospital 6 times, in less than 2 years. The last time was kind of like shock therapy. I have to stay on top of my medicine, and I have a very good knowledge of these medicines.

Just 3 weeks ago, I felt totally like giving up, did some reckless things and spent money I can never get back. My life is a mess, but I am working to get it back. I also have borderline personality disorder, so I never know what kind of mood I am going to wake up in. That really sucks. I just want so much to get back a LIFE!! I am living with a very difficult ornery old man that is no encouragement. He does not realize, that although he keeps me out of a shelter, dragging me down emotionally when I am still a little fragile makes me take 2 steps backwards.

I am trying to go back to the job that I felt so burned out on, because it is all I know to support myself financially. I pray that I can handle it. I have been doing a lot of praying lately. I feel I hit bottom during that last episode!!! I need friends to talk to which I don't have and real emotional support. This board and others are all I have right now. I so wish things were different and I still wish sometimes that my first overdose had worked.

Anyone else relate to my situation? I love to chat and I feel I can help others, just not myself.

karen51

 
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Old 08-09-2007, 01:24 PM   #2
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Hi Karen, sorry to hear about your struggles. It concerns me that this man is dragging you down emotionally. Keep posting.

 
Old 08-10-2007, 12:41 AM   #3
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orchardlady HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Karen, I too am sorry to hear of your struggles. Many of us on this board can relate, although I don't have an ornery man dragging me down. Is this a husband of many years?

Carolyn

 
Old 08-10-2007, 12:58 AM   #4
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Hello Karen,
My psychiatrist says that if I can help others, I am already taking the first step towards helping myself.
And i think he is right. Because as you will probably realise you are the one who first hears the things you say to others. Therefore, you will slowly apply them to yourself. I am !!!!
Did you also try psychotherapy? I found that medication and the proper therapy are the twin pillars which give me strength to hold on during the difficult times and have enough energy and optimism to help others during my good times!
So, welcome here as well.
PS.
I am sure you know what to do with your old man, but all in good time. When you are ready!
God bless you!
ps.
I should have said this first, before I said anything else: PRAYING HAS kept me from giving up and supplies me with the constant energy I need to want to go on everyday. It shows me that there is something a lot better at the end of it all and that all I go through is not for nothing. .

 
Old 08-10-2007, 03:03 AM   #5
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positivity17 HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Karen, Welcome to the board. I know all about the roller coaster ride and at times it can be so draining, it sounds like you are trying your best to stay strong. I wish I had something more to say, at least know that you are not alone. Hang in there!!

 
Old 08-10-2007, 08:27 AM   #6
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melly3407 HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

I know how you feel. I have suffered with bipolar depression and borderline personality since I was 15 (34 now). I guess it is something we have to cope with the rest of our lives here on Earth. My docs compare it to a person with diabeties (you will have it until there is a cure). It doesn't make it any easier.

I do have a suggestion, My doc has signed me up for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (DBT) have you heard about it? It is a group and the therapist's retrain the way you think. With borderline personalities we tend to think two ways- Sad or hopeless/ anxious and overwhelmed. This class teaches us how to be somewhere in the middle. Its a 18 month commitment but it is worth it and you learn so much. I did it for a short time for it was mandatory after my last suicide attempt two years ago. Now I have a chance to go the full course. You should check in to it!

mel

 
Old 08-10-2007, 11:40 PM   #7
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karen51 HB User
Red face Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

To all...

No the old man is my father. I do pray a lot, probably not enough, but sleep is my only solace and solitude right now. I know it is not the healthiest approach, but it works!! Today was a bad day. I feel like I am all alone, no friends, no job, no money, no independence. Nothing to do but wallow sometimes. It is hard to have no support person you can talk to. I have always valued someone to talk with and be able to share everything with, but since all this started, even long time friends deserted me...some friends huh?

I do go to therapy and take meds. I even quit all my vices..drinking being the most destructive one. It makes my brain flip and I want to take all the pills I can swallow to ease the pain and make this all end. So no more of that...that is how I have ended up in the hospital everytime. No fun there. Not to mention the pilling up bills I cannot pay.

I am really trying to get better, but my environment makes it a battle. I think my dad has a personality disorder himself. I just leave the room and stay locked up in my bedroom. He yellls at my poor mom who is sick and I hate him for that. I do have a lot of built up rage inside.

I am really trying hard to find a job so I can get the hell out of here. I hope I can hold on until then.

Thanks for all your support!!

 
Old 08-11-2007, 12:43 AM   #8
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Zedp989 HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Hi Karen, it sounds like you're going through a really rough time. I certainly understand what you're going through. Have you told your therapist everything you're feeling right now? Remember that it's the depression that makes you feel like you're all alone. When I read your posts, I know that I'm listening to a very intelligent woman with lots of kindness in her heart. Just let me know if you need to talk, because I'll be here to listen. ^_^

 
Old 08-11-2007, 09:49 AM   #9
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karen51 HB User
Wink Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Thanks Zed,

I have been told I am intelligent, and I feel like the old me had a lot of kindness in her heart. Of late, I just feel angry and bitter. If I do get a job and get a life back I think maybe making new friends and being out in the world will change my outlook a lot. I know when I tried to work the last time I felt lots better at first until the stress of the job got to me. I do want to get back into my job, because I have done it many years, and I feel I have at least some talent left in that field.

I don't mean to sound vague, but I am on another board and have been on one that I was actually kicked off for defending myself, so I am paranoid I guess that someone might pick up on who I am. I seem to have a talent for offending some folks so I am trying really hard to choose my words wisely.

One thing I wish, that somehow I could, in my career become an advocate for mental health patients. I was thinking last night how I would like to write to the nursing board about how many psych nurses are verbally abusive, which is totally unacceptable. The way we are treated in society shows so much ignorance in this world.

Also, to answer Melly, I have had DBT classes and cannot afford to go to the program here. They cost 120 a week and take no insurance!!!! I would try anything. I may move to a different county and their mental health center offers it for free, but that is down the road a bit.

You all are great and very supportive, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me...

love and hugs to all!!!

 
Old 08-12-2007, 12:45 AM   #10
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Zedp989 HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Hi again Karen, I hope that you felt a little better today after you were able to express some of your feelings here. Do you know when you will be able to see your therapist next? It sounds like you're having a lot of mixed emotions right now, which I can relate to and certainly understand. It also sounds though that you have many things to look forward to right now such as meeting new friends and finding an interesting job. Are these things making you feel a little better? Also, keep in mind that you're still that kind person that you were, it's just that you're not feeling well right now. Keep in touch Karen, I'll be here to listen when you need to talk.

-Zed

 
Old 08-12-2007, 03:04 AM   #11
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Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Quote:
Originally Posted by karen51 View Post
I have had depression off and on since age 15. Just since I turned fifty, it seemed to really rear its ugly head. I have been unable to work in my career of 21 plus years and been in the hospital 6 times, in less than 2 years. The last time was kind of like shock therapy. I have to stay on top of my medicine, and I have a very good knowledge of these medicines.

Just 3 weeks ago, I felt totally like giving up, did some reckless things and spent money I can never get back. My life is a mess, but I am working to get it back. I also have borderline personality disorder, so I never know what kind of mood I am going to wake up in. That really sucks. I just want so much to get back a LIFE!! I am living with a very difficult ornery old man that is no encouragement. He does not realize, that although he keeps me out of a shelter, dragging me down emotionally when I am still a little fragile makes me take 2 steps backwards.



I am trying to go back to the job that I felt so burned out on, because it is all I know to support myself financially. I pray that I can handle it. I have been doing a lot of praying lately. I feel I hit bottom during that last episode!!! I need friends to talk to which I don't have and real emotional support. This board and others are all I have right now. I so wish things were different and I still wish sometimes that my first overdose had worked.

Anyone else relate to my situation? I love to chat and I feel I can help others, just not myself.

karen51
I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Keep saying your prayers as I feel that is all I have sometimes. Keep posting too as I have found if I can at least help someone on a post, it does seem to make me feel like I am making a difference or at least attempting to make one.

Sorry for the question but with the Borderline Personality Disorder does that also cause the reckless spending the way that BiPolar does?

Hang in There

 
Old 08-12-2007, 12:49 PM   #12
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karen51 HB User
Wink Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Dear Jenn,

I don't mind questions at all. I know way more than I want to about borderline personality. The spending is definitely one of the problems and has caused me tons of problems with money of course!!

Here is the description:

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
* Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
* Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
* Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
* Chronic feelings of emptiness
* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
* Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms


I have most of these symptoms, but thank God I only am on the low end of the scale. People with this are the type that go in to work one day..if they are severe, and kill several people due to their own built up anger and frustration. That is one of my problems.

I fit a lot of the above, hate to list all the bad things I HAVE done related to this. People think I use it as an excuse. The bad thing is there is no real specific drug for this, but sometimes they use mood stabilizers.

I had so many of these symptoms all my life and never knew what was going on. Especially when I was severely stressed.

I will keep posting, as long as this computer keeps working, it is acting up!!

Take care,

Karen51

 
Old 08-13-2007, 07:48 AM   #13
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Hi Karen, your dad must have made your entire life terrible. I am so sorry. Keep posting...

 
Old 08-13-2007, 07:50 AM   #14
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Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

I just wanted to say that I really like the title of your post. It sums up the situation for a lot of us.

 
Old 08-13-2007, 10:53 PM   #15
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karen51 HB User
Thumbs up Re: Depression for me is an ongoing battle...roller coaster style

Thank you mycat...once in a while something creative pops in my head..lol

And yes, my Dad has made a lot of my life difficult, but I am determined to get my independence back and out of this house!!! He is a major control freak. Unfortunately, if I am not here, he will pick on my mom who has Parkinsons. I think she tunes him out a lot, but he makes me so angry and is totally irritating sometimes.

Then on the other hand he will help me out financially and surprise me sometimes. That does NOT come without cost to me emotionally. His moods are like a roller coaster sometimes!! He will never change and I have accepted that.

The good news is I have a job interview tomorrow which seems to be promising and it is a JOB!!! Plus I faxed my resume I finally created the other day to another response I got from career builder. I pray that things are turning around for me.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all mental illness go away, it is a different kind of suffering and with no support from others in my case.

karen51

 
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