So Many Thoughts (sorry long)
Hi All! I don't even know where to begin. Today was not a good day at all. My eyes are like golf balls now. I've been dealing with depression for 12 years and just don't know if and when it will end. I do ok for a while and then it hits me out of nowhere. I especially feel really down before my period (sorry guys!!!). My gyno says I have PMDD and wants me to try Yaz. Everything that I've read about it sends up red flags. All I read about is major mood swings. My gyno says it may make my depression worse. I can't afford that.
I have so many self image issues. I think I want to change therapists and look for a female. But I feel guilty and HATE starting over. I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I never like my body. Eventhough I've lost about 50 pounds from my highest weight, I still see a fat girl. I realize I always look for the approval of others. For example...I'm in my friend's wedding next week. In early May I hit it off with my partner in the wedding. We ended up smooching one night. We kept in touch briefly until he stopped. He was recently out of a long term relationship and has been being "leashed around" by his ex. We kept in touch through text messaging. I never called b/c I didn't want to be in his face, just out of a relationship. He eventually stopped writing. Not that anyone does but I don't handle rejection well. I turn it into "what's wrong with me?" I've never asked him why he stopped writing. But I feel stung. I try to act normal around him, like it was nothing. But I don't get guys. The day after meeting and exchanging numbers, I wrote to him. He then took the initiative a few days later. I was thrilled. Out of the blue he stopped. Why even bother to begin with? Is it he liked me one day and then changed his mind? On July 4th, while boating with him and my friends, I sent him a text that read "why do you hate me?" He responded, "I don't! What makes you say that?" UM I DON'T KNOW...BECAUSE YOU BLEW ME OFF!!! I had some liquor in me when I sent the text. How come liquor tells you dumb moves aren't dumb? As soon as I sent it, I regretted it. Now this is the kicker. I don't know if others who deal with depression have this happen. I think he has a major drinking problem and has a lot of growing up to do. I know, in the long run, I don't want or need a person like that in my life. I can say I deserve better and it's his loss but why do I still feel like I did something wrong? It's never that particular guy; it's the feeling that I'm in the wrong. I find myself drawn to guys who don't know how to help themselves. Drawn to the tortured ones. I don't want someone who drinks too much or lives his life according to friends. But yet I still want him to tell me it was him and not me. WHAT IS THAT????
It's the week before my period and I've been crying all day. I feel like I've been given depression because I've done something wrong and this is my punishment. I'm a good person! No one deserves this. Now a days...you don't like your nose, get a nose job. You don't like your thighs, get lyposuction. I'd lay on a table in a heartbeat if I could get this out of me. When will it end? Why do I want the approval of someone I know I can do better than? I know it's his loss but it takes me forever to pick myself up. I have to be with him next week. I try to act ok and make normal convo but feel I repulse him.
I'm sorry I just wrote a lot and babbled...so many mixed thoughts. Appreciate any advice!!! I'M SOOOOO CONFUSED!!!