depressed theres no other word to use to explain my status or my situatin,my name is sarah im 21 years old and for you to understand fully you need to know about my family dynamics im the oldest of 4 children which also means most of the responsibility falls on my shoulders and has done so since i was around 6 years of age. my dad was missing for most my life us kids came second to his friends and we were to much of a hussle for him to spend time with us he was never there when i learnt to drive, when i graduated high school, when i went to the senior prom he never went to parent teach interviews or even when i turned 17,18,or 20.
but the worst thing my father ever did to me was to force me to leave houston, about 3 months after we came back to australia i slipped into a depressive mood which slowly got worse over time i'v seen councellors doctors and phycologist i even ended up in hospital.
but with all that i don't blame my father he's human after all and he feels bad enough but no matter what i do i can't allow myself to feel happy
because in me i feel as if something has died or is missing and i cant find it but i know i need it and i also know that i can't live here like this there are times when i wish i was never born then i remember there's always a tomorrow.
i can't explain to people about depression because the truth is i don't know myself.
Sarah,iam so sorry for your sadness but understand completely where you are coming from,i think being a parent is so much harder then we realize untill we jump into it and when we are not emotionally equipped our selves we just cant give what weve never had.you have a very nice and snmart out look to understand your parents not being there for you,i bet they dont even realize.its really hard to meet everyones demands as aparent but reading your post makes me wish when my kids were smaller i could get my prioritys straight.my parents were also imotionally unavailable and it took me having my own children and years of contemplation to realize they could not give what they dont have.beleave it or not i think your doing better than you realize,your smarter than your 21 years,your right about explaing depression people who have not been there just dont get it but look at all these people here you are not alone,i really am so sorry that you are going through this,i hope things look up for you, marywoo
You must bear such a heavy load being the oldest of four. I can totally understand your feeling of not being allowed to let yourself be happy. It's like an unspoken rule that you shouldn't be allowed that right. But the truth is you do have that right. I know that feeling too and I also know that it's easier said than done. I hope you can remember that there's no crime in happiness. I'm trying to learn that myself. Opressive family dynamics can really be a hard thing to overcome. Best of luck, and silly, ridiculous happiness to you sweetie!
depressed theres no other word 
